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My Break up experience and what I am learning from it - What have you learnt from?

Starrdust

By Starrdust
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Starrdust Member

Starrdust

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Hi all,

 

I’m going through a break up and wanted to share my experience and what I have learnt. I woke up feeling different about the whole situation and decided that maybe my thoughts might be helpful to other who is going through a similar situation. Ex dumped me three weeks ago and have had LC. My hurt is fresh and to some extent im scared that my healing is too quick :-s

 

My break up story:

 

About a year ago I met a lovely guy on a night out. I didn’t really like him in the beginning but he grew on me and I fell in love with him. He fell in love with me pretty quick too I think. However a red flag that I ignored at the time was that he only broke up with is ex a month before meeting me. He was in that relationship for 3 years and was his first love. Any way oblivious to this red flag, we carried on in a relationship. I had to go away for a bit due to my dad getting ill. This distance caused a strain on the relationship. He would ignore my texts and calls, no longer bother to know how I was and would talk to all these girls on FB. He started to distance himself with me emotionally and this is were I made the biggest mistake. I became needy, I started to text him constantly and I would get no reply so I would carry on texting till I got a reply. He then dumped me at xmas saying “ I cant deal with the distance, im not waiting for you to come back and youll find your mr right”. I was HEARTBROKEN but surprisingly I managed to go NC because I knew that he didn’t treat me that great. He then contacted me this January being all friendly. I went with it and we got back into a relationship. He said he wanted to marry me, I was the one, he wanted me to have his kids etc. We loved each other and felt we understood each other.

 

UNTILL 3 WEEKS AGO. We went on a night out and he was his usual self, all lovey dovey. I got completely drunk and blacked out ( I can assure you guys that this is not my usual behavior and this is the first time ive ever blacked out). Next thing I know is I wake up in my bed naked with my bf at 7am. I woke up panicked with a extreme hangover. I was scared for some reason and I asked him what happened. He said “nothing” but my mind wasn’t in the right frame of mind and I kept asking him via text what happened. On the 2nd day I was satisfied that nothing happened and that I was extremely hungover/ not thinking straight. Everything was fine, he was still all loved up with me or what it seemed liked. Then I noticed over the following days he seemed to have backed off. I asked him whats wrong and he said “im not sure what I want any more after you accused me of taken advantage of you”. I never accused him, I only wanted reassurance about what happened. I know that I shouldn’t asked him repeatedly but I guess the lack of trust showed here. He wanted time to think but this is were the neediness kicked in again. I kept texting and then he came out with it after a week of no reply “ I don’t mind being friends but not a relationship”. I said “ do you want us to work?”.. he said “ yes I do, love you” so we were back on. But he was still distant so I carried on with my “text message terrorism” like an idiot which pushed him away. I got no reply for a week until this Sunday. He wrote in his text “Yes its over, lets be just friends”.. I said “ok” but then sent 3 texts declaring my love but ended saying im happy to be friends. This was all torture, it hurt that I was dumped by the same guy twice without him even seeming like hes lost something special. I feel like his option or back up girl that he runs to when theres no other girl interested in him. I went NC until I caved in and texted yesterday saying “ how are you?” ..i got breadcrumbs “ im gd and u”, I said “ im good thanks” and his reply was “gd gd “. Knife to my heart that someone who wanted to marry me 3 weeks ago could change and be so cold.

 

I want to remain NC from now on. Who knows if I will ever hear from him again and wether I will cross his mind. All I know is that this is about me and my healing. I care for him and would like to be friends in the future but at the same time I don’t want to be a door mat and get walked al over again.

 

P.S I had a bf before this guy and we went out for 5 years. Im 23 so he was my first young love. I got over him and learned to love again with my ex. I guess what I mean to say is that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. :)

 

Lessons I have learnt from this break up:

 

DO NOT SHOW YOUR EX TRAITS OF NEEDINESS/INSECURITIES – BIG NO NO! – It pushes them further away from you and you end up looking desperate and unattractive. It is a sure method of getting an ex to never come back. Keep your self dignity and control. Do not make the mistake I made iin my sheer desperation of losing him, instead show that your world hasn’t crumbled without them. Mistakes happen. All you can do is learn from them and move forward.

 

DO NOT TORTURE YOURSELF BY TRYING TO RELIVE THE PAST – I cannot stress this point enough. The dumpee has a habit of reliving the good memories and torturing themselves by thinking about the ex 24/7. I can assure you that your ex is only thinking about you for a fraction of the time that your thinking about them. Do not waste your time and energy fantasing all situations and analyzing the past. You’re a wonderful and beautiful person, you don’t have the right o torture yourself like this.

 

PEOPLE CHANGE AND SO DO THEIR WANTS/NEEDS – This point is very true. Sometimes people change and their needs no longer fit with you. That ok and its acceptable. It hurts but its still ok. Life is always changing; nothing ever really stays the same. The ability to accept this fact is what will help the healing quicker I think. If someone can’t stand by your side through your own changes then its really not worth your time.

 

DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS IN HOPE THAT IT WILL ALL WORK OUT. – The amount of times I’ve ignored red flags such as passive aggressiveness from an ex is beyond count. I’ve do this because I like to see the highest potential in that person. I don’t fall in love with them, I fall in love with the best version of them so all the other issues gets overlooked. Don’t do this, it will inevitable end in disaster if you don’t talk about it with your partner or if you don’t acknowledge that thee problem exists

 

 

LIFE IS SHORT – STAY PRESENT. Don’t torture yourself through this break up, love yourself, nurture yourself and know that life is crazily short. If someone doesn’t want to be in your life then so be it. You deserve to be happy and there are 7 billion people in this world. There will be and endless no of people in the world that will love you entirely and you will love entirely back. If I had only 1 week left to live I know that my ex would be at the back on my mind because this time is for ME. To love Me, to grow, to explore and to love people who wanted to be loved by me.

 

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” – Buddha

 

 

FOCUS ON YOUR STORY NOT HIS/HERS. Your story is your own and not his/hers. Stop letting them control your thoughts, your emotions and your choices. Their story is theirs, let them move on and deal with their own drama. You don’t need to be a part of it. This is your story, find someone who understands how precious you truly are and not for just a night/day but for an eternity.

 

 

Some links that have helped me and that have some really good quotes:

How to live in the present

Elizabeth Gilbert Quotes (Author of Eat, Pray, Love)

 

One of my favorite quotes for the Eat pray love book is :

 

"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It's called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome's first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It's one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won't let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured - the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.

 

You have all helped me so much in the past few days – Thank you so much.

 

What lessons have you guys learnt from your break up experiences?

 

What do you think of my situation? What stage of break up do you think I am in?

Sorry for it being such a long post ☺ and Thank you for reading my story.

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Starrdust Member

Starrdust

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Oh sorry for all the spelling and grammar errors. I wrote this on my phone so had a tough time editing it correctly :-)

venusianx13 Established Member

venusianx13

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Wow, Starrdust, very nice, well thought out post. And very valid points. I must say, though, that wisdom comes from experience, and this experience, painful as it may have been, has made you all the more wiser going forward. That's something to be grateful for.

 

I was with someone for 6 years who loved me only for what I could offer to him. What this did was cause me to feel like a walking ball of anxiety. Constantly wondering, worrying about what he was doing, who he was with. He did cheat on me - 3 times that I know of. The fear I had of what life would be like without him was so debilitating that I never felt I had the strength to leave. All this time, I was hoping things would change; they didn't. I was frozen in fear, anxiety, low self-esteem. I finally saw that waiting around for things to change was incredibly ridiculous, and so, I changed. I became stronger. I found interests and had outside friends, and connected even more deeply to my spirituality. I finally found the strength to leave him.

 

And a few months later, I met someone wonderful. :) I honestly never knew this is how good a healthy relationship could be, because I've never truly had one (romantically). My SO is so very transparent with me, it was shocking at first. And most importantly, he treats me so, so well. We have respect for one another. Looking back, I had lost respect for my ex, and he had absolutely NO respect for me. Big key ingredient to be missing from a relationship for so long.

 

As for what you've gone through, I think you are doing an amazing job of processing it. Share you story, any emotions you may have, and then let it go and get on with life. It's fantastic that you aren't repressing your emotions, it will help you heal. As for the stage you are in, I see evidence of acceptance in you. It doesn't mean you won't feel bad here and there, but you realize that this is temporary, as all feelings are (as everything is) and you are well on your way down the path of healing. Very impressed by you. :)

Edited by venusianx13
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OwlSoul Established Member

OwlSoul

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The things I have learnt:

 

I. People always look for someone better. ALWAYS. Honestly, if you'd have to chose between your old partner and a new, better, more bautiful, more caring version of him/her you'd chose the new partner.

 

II. Continue the intensive self-improvement (physical, social). Otherwise your partner will jump to something more appealing once there will be a chance.

 

III. The best way to attract someone is to not try to do it.

 

IV. Telling what you feel/your secrets will just hurt. Oh baby, never ever tell how do you feel about your ex. He/she will believe it, and moreover, you will believe in it to.

 

And many many other things :p

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Starrdust Member

Starrdust

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great post

 

Thank you!

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Starrdust Member

Starrdust

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Wow, Starrdust, very nice, well thought out post. And very valid points. I must say, though, that wisdom comes from experience, and this experience, painful as it may have been, has made you all the more wiser going forward. That's something to be grateful for.

 

I was with someone for 6 years who loved me only for what I could offer to him. What this did was cause me to feel like a walking ball of anxiety. Constantly wondering, worrying about what he was doing, who he was with. He did cheat on me - 3 times that I know of. The fear I had of what life would be like without him was so debilitating that I never felt I had the strength to leave. All this time, I was hoping things would change; they didn't. I was frozen in fear, anxiety, low self-esteem. I finally saw that waiting around for things to change was incredibly ridiculous, and so, I changed. I became stronger. I found interests and had outside friends, and connected even more deeply to my spirituality. I finally found the strength to leave him.

 

And a few months later, I met someone wonderful. :) I honestly never knew this is how good a healthy relationship could be, because I've never truly had one (romantically). My SO is so very transparent with me, it was shocking at first. And most importantly, he treats me so, so well. We have respect for one another. Looking back, I had lost respect for my ex, and he had absolutely NO respect for me. Big key ingredient to be missing from a relationship for so long.

 

As for what you've gone through, I think you are doing an amazing job of processing it. Share you story, any emotions you may have, and then let it go and get on with life. It's fantastic that you aren't repressing your emotions, it will help you heal. As for the stage you are in, I see evidence of acceptance in you. It doesn't mean you won't feel bad here and there, but you realize that this is temporary, as all feelings are (as everything is) and you are well on your way down the path of healing. Very impressed by you. :)

 

Thank you lovely. I was just my two cents on the whole break up situation. Im so sorry you've gone through something similar. I definately had a similar feeling with him wanting me only for what i could offer and boy is that a horrid feeling. But it makes you realise though how much you dont want that kind of relationship. I think your definately right about the fact that sometimes we like to look at the relationship through rose tinted glasses just so we can feel good. Respect and trust are important, thats something I have only learnt recently. Im so glad your in a loving relationship, i hope to one day have that and realise all my heartache was worth it. Self growth is so important and I'm so glad ive figured that out recently. Im looking forward to not being my own enemy but rather my own best friend. Thank you. I like the fact we all support eachother through these difficult times. Your all such good hearted people :)

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Starrdust Member

Starrdust

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The things I have learnt:

 

I. People always look for someone better. ALWAYS. Honestly, if you'd have to chose between your old partner and a new, better, more bautiful, more caring version of him/her you'd chose the new partner.

 

II. Continue the intensive self-improvement (physical, social). Otherwise your partner will jump to something more appealing once there will be a chance.

 

III. The best way to attract someone is to not try to do it.

 

IV. Telling what you feel/your secrets will just hurt. Oh baby, never ever tell how do you feel about your ex. He/she will believe it, and moreover, you will believe in it to.

 

And many many other things :p

 

I really like the point of "The best way to attract someone is to not try to do it."- Its so very true. Thank you for highlighting something new to me. Ive spent so much time trying to chase the one and it never happens. But as soon as I get busy with myself their seems to be a guy walking straight into my life. And your right, people do always want something better - I learnt that the hard way. Thank you for the points :)

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Starrdust Member

Starrdust

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Anyone else have a break up experience they want to share? How there feeling? And what they are learning from it?

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