crederer Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I just broke up with my girlfriend 6 weeks ago. We were together for a year. We had what seemed to be a great relationship. Our personalities were great together and many people commented on how they were jealous of our relationship because it seemed so good. Well on Christmas day, she wanted to take a nap and have me wake her up at a certain time. My phone was in my car charging so I checked hers for the time. Well, there was a text right there, it was the last thing she did before she took the nap. It was to her ex that said "it's times like this that I miss you the most". This guy is 45 years old, married with children. She's 25. I was so hurt. I didn't bring it up right away as we were staying at her parents. She appoligized saying she doesn't want a relationship with him anymore, she's just having trouble dealing with her emotions. I wanted to believe her, but naturally I had some trust issues after that. She promised not to talk to him anymore. Well, she lied about that. A couple months later she broke up with me. She said that it was due to her depression and she feels she can't be a good girlfriend (basically in so many words, she gave me the "it's not you, it's me" routine). She wanted time to get her head straight and maybe get back together in time. She would be taking this time to heal herself and not be seeing anybody (apparently). We have a lot of mutual friends, they say she's a mess and still talks about me quite a bit. They didn't outright say it, but I got the impression she was seeing this guy again. It's extremely insulting that she left me, a guy that treated her with the utmost respect and love, for a guy that wouldn't leave his wife for her, and they basically live out of hotel rooms. She's his piece of ass. Now she's meeting me for coffee, as I asked if she'd be open to it, which she replied "of course!". My feelings are so mixed right now. Some days I think I'm better off, some days I want her back so bad. Some days I'm angry. I think about her ALL the time. I think a lot of this has to do with her depression and she has demonstrated some tendencies of self sabotage over the last year. I don't know for sure if she's seeing this guy, either. I don't know if I'll try to get her back or not. If I do, it will be on my terms not hers. I want to meet with her so I can get some things off my chest, either way (i.e how her actions affected me). Any advice?
Emilia Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I don't know if I'll try to get her back or not. If I do, it will be on my terms not hers. I want to meet with her so I can get some things off my chest, either way (i.e how her actions affected me). Any advice? Welcome to LS You mean you want someone back who has lied and cheated and doesn't care whether she ruined someone's marriage/family/happiness? Sure, go ahead
january2011 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Let her go. She chose someone else. You are not responsible for her life choices. You cannot save her from herself. Move on with your life. 1
Author crederer Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) Yes, the logical part of me wants that. I don't even know for sure if that's the case (seeing this man). It may just be me being insecure. I've had times where I've missed an ex too while in a committed relationship so I understand how she feels. Difference is I didn't text them telling them that. The purpose of this meeting isn't to get her back either. I have a lot of things I feel I need to say in order to properly move on as I have hooked up with a couple girls and I feel guilty as if I betrayed her. I just want some proper closure but don't know if this will even help. Edited April 12, 2013 by crederer adding more info
Emilia Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Yes, the logical part of me wants that. I don't even know for sure if that's the case (seeing this man). It may just be me being insecure. I've had times where I've missed an ex too while in a committed relationship so I understand how she feels. Difference is I didn't text them telling them that. The text wouldn't be her fault necessarily but I don't like how she handled this. January is right anyway: she is not your responsibility. I'm sorry you are hurting but you have to get through this
Author crederer Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Thanks for the responses. I guess the main piece of advice that I'm looking for is during this meeting, should I spill my guts about how I feel about her actions or should I take the high road and just wish her luck?
Chi townD Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Dude, if you're looking for closure I think you've already have it through her actions and not with her words. Her actions showed you that she was still emotionally attached this this other dude while she was with you as evident through the text you found. Her lies to you about why she wanted to break up ONLY to find out that she's carrying on a secret relationship with this married man. At this moment she values a 45 year old man, mariied with kids more than you. That's the fact that you have to realize. Dude, if you meet up with her, all you're going to get is a bunch of lies and a bunch of excuses. So, what's the point of going at all?
Emilia Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Thanks for the responses. I guess the main piece of advice that I'm looking for is during this meeting, should I spill my guts about how I feel about her actions or should I take the high road and just wish her luck? Why do you want to meet her?
Author crederer Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) I think that I want proper closure. I want to hear a reason. I want her to know how her selfish actions affected me. I want to know if she meant what she said about taking time or if it was her idea of letting me off easy. Also, she has a **** ton of my stuff still and I want it back. Also, we hang out in the same circles, we are bound to run into eachother (I ran into her roommate/best friend 3 times in 6 weeks already) and I want to limit the awkwardness when that time comes. The break up was awkward and emotional I don't want that to be the last conversation we had together before bumping into one another. Edited April 12, 2013 by crederer more info
Emilia Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I think that I want proper closure. I want to hear a reason. I want her to know how her selfish actions affected me. I want to know if she meant what she said about taking time or if it was her idea of letting me off easy. It is unlikely that she will say anything that will give you a peace of mind. You said she is all over the place. Do you think a person in her situation is able to give someone a peace of mind? She needs it herself, no? Also, we hang out in the same circles, we are bound to run into eachother (I ran into her roommate/best friend 3 times in 6 weeks already) and I want to limit the awkwardness when that time comes. The break up was awkward and emotional I don't want that to be the last conversation we had together before bumping into one another. Your priority should be your healing and moving on
Author crederer Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 I was hoping this discussion with her would in fact help me move on. But thanks for the tips guys. Maybe I'll just arrange to get my stuff from her roommate.
Quiet Storm Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I think that I want proper closure. I want to hear a reason. I want her to know how her selfish actions affected me. I want to know if she meant what she said about taking time or if it was her idea of letting me off easy. Also, she has a **** ton of my stuff still and I want it back. She likely doesn't even know the reason why she is so attached to the married guy. She just knows that he creates intense feelings in her that are hard to forget & let go of. She is the type to just float through life, making poor choices, self sabatoging, never looking inward, and leaving a trail of heartbreak in her wake. Logically, you are a much better catch. Since she seems to be ruled by her emotions, though, your job, your marital status, your love for her....won't matter. If her friends even say she's a mess, it sounds like somethings broken in her, likely from family or origin issues or past trauma. Her unhealthy attachment to him could be a bond stemming from unresolved issues with a male abuser or abandoment issues with her father. All of that happens behind the scenes in her mind though, so she won't be consiously aware of it. She will just feel very attracted or even addicted to him. His attention validates her like no one elses. It would take deep introspection or counseling for her to get to the point where she is self aware. I agree that your focus should be on healing and moving on. You can love someone, but still logically know they are not a good partner for you. She has showed you many qualities that do not bode well for a committed relationship. She keeps making bad choices, and seems very selfish. It sounds like she doesn't think very much of herself. She even told you she doesn't make a good girlfriend. When someone says that, BELIEVE THEM. They know themselves and what they are capable of better than anyone. Statements like "you deserve better" or "i'm not a good girlfriend" aren't declarations of a desire to change. They are disclaimers, a warning to you that they aren't going to change and do not see themselves as good relationship partner. You should keep yourself busy with friends and activities that you love. When you think of her, immediately replace that thought with something else. You goal should be getting her our of your head. Llooking for closure, wondering about her and the married guy...will only keep you stuck. You dodged a bullet here...there is a bright side. You just don't see it yet.
Author crederer Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) She does have self esteem issues. She's physically very attractive but is often down on herself. As for her depression we've had many discussions regarding the cause. This is the part that particularly frustrates her because she came from a very loving family, very close with her parents and sisters. She doesn't know where it stems from. She said she's never had any sort of real traumatic experience that any other person has experienced. I really don't think it's a "daddy" issue. The first time she fell into a depression was when her grandmother died almost 10 years ago now. To me, it seems like she's going through a mid life crisis at 25. All the sudden nothing in her life was good enough. She has a masters, but her education isn't good enough. She just got out of University, and is working her way up relatively quickly (2 promotions in 6 months) and her job is not good enough. She has good friends, but she's been shutting them out for the littlest of things. Now, evidently, I'm not good enough. The only thing she seems to care about is her immediate family. It's terribly confusing. Also, we had NC for about 5 weeks. Last week she confided in me over text (immediately after I asked her to meet) and she started confiding in me about what's been going on in her life, how she's been having trouble sleeping, needed to take some pills a couple times that were meant for emergency use only. I don't know if that means she's becoming more interested or if she's just comfortable talking with me about serious stuff. As I said prior, I don't even know if she's back with this guy, I basically just assumed she broke up with me for him as it was about 2 months after I discovered her text. Edited April 12, 2013 by crederer additional info
Quiet Storm Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Regardless of where the problems stem from, she's definitely got issues. Low self esteem, depression, trouble sleeping, she's perpetually unsatisfied. Problem is, she's like a bucket with a hole in it. It just can't be filled. She'll blame and try to change exterior things like jobs, friends, boyfriends...but none of it will work because the problem is within. Loving someone like this drags you down.
Author crederer Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Yah......it's true. I said to my friend the other day "it's hard to love someone that hates herself so much". Thanks for the encouragement to do what I really know is the right thing.
darkmoon Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 any woman that chooses a married man has self-sabotage issues, half-way thru your post, i guessed and why it's self-sabotage is that a side-piece doesn't have a proper christmas, weekend or birthday, what a raw deal a side-piece might want to tell me how her MM he is, yes, well, his wife is not your common enemy 100% of the time he liked her he picked her to marry, he has breakfast with his children, his wife still cooks, people leave a situation when they can't stand it and he's still living with her, he spends christmas with his in-laws, ffs
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