Can anyone shed some light .. :(

[Devastated77]

Hi,

 

Can anyone please help me as I am so confused...the link to my original story is here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/384485-broke-no-contact-after-3-days-no-response

 

He contacted me on my bday, texted to say happy bday...we spoke for a bit and he said he still didn't know what he wants and that he wasn't coping with life at all...I said that's fair enough but I needed clarity and need to know what is happening as he hadn't actually told me it was over...I said it was unfair to me to keep putting it off. He didn't reply to my last message.

 

Then later that night, I got a text from him saying he loves me and he is sorry that he isn't coping with life...I was very worried about his mind state so called him...we spoke for 5 mins and he said he loved me and wanted to be with me, so I said we needed to speak face to face. We arranged it for the next day.

 

The next night, we saw each other for about 2 hours...he said he missed me and he wanted to get back together...one thing led to another and we had sex...he said he wasn't going anywhere and he wanted this. He said it wasn't our relationship that was the problem, he felt with what he was going through it was easier to push everyone away so as not to hurt them.

 

Next day (yesterday), we spoke a bit over facebook message...and I asked if he was happy we were back together, he said "are you" I said I asked first...he said he was, but was worried...I said what about...he said "that you think everything is fine". And I said no, I don't...we didn't have much chance to discuss anything and we still need to, he said I know we do...he said he needs to be happy just like I do, I said "you said our relationship isnt the problem"...and he said "sometimes it is". So I said "I'm not discussing this over fb or text, it needs to be face to face". He asked when, I said that night...so we met. We talked for a long time...said alot of things...he said he didn't think I understood how messed up his head is with not coping with anything...I said of course I do, as I have been through it myself. I said I understood, but it isn't fair to keep me dangling on a string...I asked him several times if he had come to break up with me, he said no...that he wants me in his life, he loves me and wants to be with me...but then said he doesn't think he should be in a relationship because of how he is...I said "bottom line, do you love me?" he said "yes"...I said you're either in or out...I need to know because this is messing with me just as much as it is you...he said he was in. We had sex again (yes I know, bad idea)...and after it he said he was in for the long haul...I said no more trying to break up over fb or text, that if he does that again I will drive to his work and force him to see me and tell me to my face, as I do not believe you break up with someone after 13 years over a text. I asked him several times if he was sure about this, I asked if he wanted me to cut contact again while he sorts himself out, I gave him heaps of options...all of which he said no to. That he wants to be with me and wants to stay in contact and that he wants me in his life.

 

Today....he has been on fb constantly but not replying to any of my messages...now I am at a complete loss.

 

Please any advice would be good....should I cut contact again and see if he talks to me? I am worried about doing that as he kept saying he thinks he should leave me alone as he isn't good for me and that he keeps hurting me...I said several times he is hurting me more by pushing me away. If I do cut contact, in his head he will think it's for the best for me and just never contact me again...at least that's what I am scared of.

 

I thought I was over the crying, but have done nothing but that today...I am so confused. I don't want to tell myself we are back together even though he says we are because he keeps acting the opposite...he also says he doesn't care about himself and doesn't want to get help for how he is feeling.

 

It's all very well to tell me to piss him off and move on...but I have been with his man for 13 years....we have shared everything...I thought of us as soulmates. I am doing much better in myself with my depression and he sees that and says it's because I was without him, but that was not the case.

 

HELP

[CompleteFailure]

There's a lot of he said this and he said that about how he feels and what he wants etc.. That's all that is, talk. He's saying what you want to hear so he gets what he wants. You making threats and not doing anything about it is just talk as well. He knows this, that's why he'll just keep taking advantage of the situation.

 

He doesn't care about changing himself or trying because you are willing to do all the hard and dirty work and give him whatever he wants without him even asking. Who is stressing out? You. Who is ignoring you and still getting what he wants when he wants? Him.

 

If you are satisfied with what he gives you when he gives it, don't stress about the other stuff. It's just games and its working. He's not respecting you or anything you've discussed. He will continue to disrespect you until you start respecting yourself.

[Devastated77]

So do I just go back to No Contact? He said he loves me and wants to be with me, why would he say that if it's BS?

 

How do I start respecting myself when all of this just keeps happening? If I pull away and do NC whilst we are meant to be back together, what if he just never contacts me again? He says he pushes me away so as not to hurt me, but is this even true? I don't know how much of it is the depression or if he is just playing games.

[todreaminblue]

Hi,

 

Can anyone please help me as I am so confused...the link to my original story is here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/384485-broke-no-contact-after-3-days-no-response

 

He contacted me on my bday, texted to say happy bday...we spoke for a bit and he said he still didn't know what he wants and that he wasn't coping with life at all...I said that's fair enough but I needed clarity and need to know what is happening as he hadn't actually told me it was over...I said it was unfair to me to keep putting it off. He didn't reply to my last message.

 

Then later that night, I got a text from him saying he loves me and he is sorry that he isn't coping with life...I was very worried about his mind state so called him...we spoke for 5 mins and he said he loved me and wanted to be with me, so I said we needed to speak face to face. We arranged it for the next day.

 

The next night, we saw each other for about 2 hours...he said he missed me and he wanted to get back together...one thing led to another and we had sex...he said he wasn't going anywhere and he wanted this. He said it wasn't our relationship that was the problem, he felt with what he was going through it was easier to push everyone away so as not to hurt them.

 

Next day (yesterday), we spoke a bit over facebook message...and I asked if he was happy we were back together, he said "are you" I said I asked first...he said he was, but was worried...I said what about...he said "that you think everything is fine". And I said no, I don't...we didn't have much chance to discuss anything and we still need to, he said I know we do...he said he needs to be happy just like I do, I said "you said our relationship isnt the problem"...and he said "sometimes it is". So I said "I'm not discussing this over fb or text, it needs to be face to face". He asked when, I said that night...so we met. We talked for a long time...said alot of things...he said he didn't think I understood how messed up his head is with not coping with anything...I said of course I do, as I have been through it myself. I said I understood, but it isn't fair to keep me dangling on a string...I asked him several times if he had come to break up with me, he said no...that he wants me in his life, he loves me and wants to be with me...but then said he doesn't think he should be in a relationship because of how he is...I said "bottom line, do you love me?" he said "yes"...I said you're either in or out...I need to know because this is messing with me just as much as it is you...he said he was in. We had sex again (yes I know, bad idea)...and after it he said he was in for the long haul...I said no more trying to break up over fb or text, that if he does that again I will drive to his work and force him to see me and tell me to my face, as I do not believe you break up with someone after 13 years over a text. I asked him several times if he was sure about this, I asked if he wanted me to cut contact again while he sorts himself out, I gave him heaps of options...all of which he said no to. That he wants to be with me and wants to stay in contact and that he wants me in his life.

 

Today....he has been on fb constantly but not replying to any of my messages...now I am at a complete loss.

 

Please any advice would be good....should I cut contact again and see if he talks to me? I am worried about doing that as he kept saying he thinks he should leave me alone as he isn't good for me and that he keeps hurting me...I said several times he is hurting me more by pushing me away. If I do cut contact, in his head he will think it's for the best for me and just never contact me again...at least that's what I am scared of.

 

I thought I was over the crying, but have done nothing but that today...I am so confused. I don't want to tell myself we are back together even though he says we are because he keeps acting the opposite...he also says he doesn't care about himself and doesn't want to get help for how he is feeling.

 

It's all very well to tell me to piss him off and move on...but I have been with his man for 13 years....we have shared everything...I thought of us as soulmates. I am doing much better in myself with my depression and he sees that and says it's because I was without him, but that was not the case.

 

HELP

 

 

someone a poster on this board once said......if they are soul mates why do they leave? soulmates wouldnt....not exact quote but it was along those lines........and what you thought was true what you shared still was not enough to keep you together..13 years is a long time mine was fifteen..he is pushing and pulling you now, giving you confusion and heartbreak what kind of soulmate does that ...not the one for you ....i am sorry he is a dick .......talk to the people on here and stay strong ...there are lots on here who struggle with going no contact .......go no contact again and wish you love and happiness with someone who loves you in your future...:bunny:....deb

[CompleteFailure]

So do I just go back to No Contact? He said he loves me and wants to be with me, why would he say that if it's BS?

 

How do I start respecting myself when all of this just keeps happening? If I pull away and do NC whilst we are meant to be back together, what if he just never contacts me again? He says he pushes me away so as not to hurt me, but is this even true? I don't know how much of it is the depression or if he is just playing games.

 

No don't just go NC unless you're willing to walk away. Why would he say that? Gee, I don't know

 

It keeps happening because you're allowing and putting yourself into situations where it happens and you get taken advantage of. So stop that unless those interactions are secretly what you're after as well.

 

He says he pushes you away to not hurt you but you've told him what he's doing is hurting you. Unless he has a problem where what you're saying to him does not register mentally, than apparently he has no problem hurting you.

[Devastated77]

So if I don't go NC, what do I do? Do I arrange to see him again and...do what?

I'm not willing to walk away because I love him however he is acting like...what? Like he doesn't love me? I don't even know how to describe how he is acting.

[Mack05]

I think your boyfriend recognises that this is an unhealthy relationship and it is no longer working for him. I think you are both too emotionally immature to make this work RIGHT NOW. I think he is having an internal war with himself over all this and he is dragging you into it. Hence the confusion. Hence the pull-push behaviour. He probably wants to leave, BUT 13 years is a long time and I'm sure he loves you. The thing is though a relationship needs a lot more then love to survive.

 

In it's current state I can't see how this relationship can work. I think right now he is slowly but surely disengaging emotionally. At some stage he will cut the chord when he feels strong enough too. When he does it will be utterly devastating for you, as there will be no way back. No amount of begging, pleading, promises of 'change' will help.

 

I could tell you what I would do in your shoes. I would leave go. I would take control of the situation. That doesn't mean give up. I think he needs to see something different from you. I would tell him you will give him all the time and space he needs to work through things, because you love him and want what's best for him. Tell him you feel its necessary to stick to strict NC until he knows EXACTLY what he wants. Tell him also that you are actively going to work on your flaws during your time apart and suggest he does the same. You both can only make these real and genuine changes outside the confines of a relationship

 

Just ask him to do one thing for you. To meet you just before Christmas for a beer. Why Christmas? Well you can't make the changes you both need to make in one or two months. With Christmas there is always that bit of magic in the air which can only help. You both need time (plenty of time) to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of making this work. Repairing the damage to a relationship and then moving forward together. Your relationship is like a wall badly damaged about to fall. If you stay and push him you will just chip away at this wall until it comes tumbling down.

 

Would this be hard. Absolutely. Incredibly hard. It will require incredible inner strength and motivation but if you show him a new stronger you it could change everything. There is a huge gamble involved in this strategy. By letting him go now, you could be letting him go for good. This it is a gamble worth taking. He is already heading towards the exit door. Even though sometimes he takes a step back (just to be sure) he is still heading towards the exit door.

 

That is what I would do in your shoes. I know you won't and I'm pretty sure he will leave. It's just a matter of when.

Edited April 12, 2013 by Mack05

[Devastated77]

Mack, it's not such a bad suggestion. At this point, nothing much else can make it worse. So I am actually thinking about doing that.

 

One question - if I do tell him that, what do I do if he says it's not what he wants? Because that's what he keeps telling me and that's why I'm so confused...

[i.am]

How old is he? My ex is 30 and we had been through such situation once. He was very unsure. He snapped after a major argument. We got back together a month later but constant arguments made him give up on our relationship 2 months later.

 

Mack05, you seem to understand alot about such. How I wish you will be able to tell me what is going on with mine too...

[Mack05]

Mack, it's not such a bad suggestion. At this point, nothing much else can make it worse. So I am actually thinking about doing that.

 

One question - if I do tell him that, what do I do if he says it's not what he wants? Because that's what he keeps telling me and that's why I'm so confused...

 

Look up a poster called AloneinParadise -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/383258-got-new-email-today-don-t-know-if-i-can-resist-her-want-take-her-back. He is going through the same thing and its handling it amazingly well.

 

If he says to you this is not what he wants, you need to explain to him there are two of you in the relationship. You explain to him that it is clear he is very confused and until he knows EXACTLY what he wants you can't be in contact with him.

 

He will respect this show of strength, indeed he may even come back after a few weeks. You still need to remain strong. Unless you are 110% sure he wants to stay in the relationship then you have to stay away from him..You both need extended time to take a step back and view the relationship from outside the box. You both need time to address your personal issues.

 

It is beyond hard to watch someone slip away, but I honestly feel it's your only shot. It come down to how much if you want it. If you want it enough, then you can do this.

Edited April 12, 2013 by Mack05

[Devastated77]

Ok. And what if he moves on in that time, without bothering to tell me face to face that it's actually over? Do I reserve the right to ask

him to tell me face to face after 13 years? Can anyone move on quickly after 13 years? Especially someone who says he is depressed?

 

And my other question is - IS he depressed, or does he just want out? And if that's the case, why not just tell me that when I aske him straight out if he wants to break up?

[Mack05]

Ok. And what if he moves on in that time, without bothering to tell me face to face that it's actually over? Do I reserve the right to ask

him to tell me face to face after 13 years? Can anyone move on quickly after 13 years? Especially someone who says he is depressed?

 

And my other question is - IS he depressed, or does he just want out? And if that's the case, why not just tell me that when I aske him straight out if he wants to break up?

 

When you meet in December you will both know exactly where you stand within 10 minutes. He may move on, he probably will. You need to prepare for that possibility..

 

During your time and space you need to focus solely on you. If he does move on, the blow won't be as severe because of all the hard personal work you would have put in on yourself. If you don't put the work in you are bringing nothing new to the table. If you bring nothing new to the table, if you are incapable of evolving and maturing this relationship is effectively over.

 

As for him, he is confused. He probably wants out but realises 13 years is a long time. Dating in your 30's and 40's is not much fun believe me. Because of this sometimes the fear gets too much and we just 'settle'. If he is not happy within himself/depressed he can't be happy with you (or anyone else). He needs to figure that out on his own.

 

This is why is so important to show him something new. Force him to rethink how he views you and the relationship. By you taking control you are showing him strength. People gravitate to strength like bee's to honey. If you just sit there crying and pleading asking him for a second chance or asking constantly where you stand it screams desperation. Desperation leads people to the exit door.

Edited April 13, 2013 by Mack05

[Devastated77]

I'm trying to view this as a breakup already, so that I can go through the pain now and not be hit with another blow later. But the thing that really confuses me is - he says he isn't coping with life, that his head is so messed up, that he is pushing everyone away, not just me - HOWEVER. He still functions fine at work, still goes to visit friends and still goes and does his hobbies with no problem. Is this the behavior of someone who genuinely is depressed, or is he just using that as an excuse because he doesn't know how to tell me it's over?

[Mack05]

I'm trying to view this as a breakup already, so that I can go through the pain now and not be hit with another blow later. But the thing that really confuses me is - he says he isn't coping with life, that his head is so messed up, that he is pushing everyone away, not just me - HOWEVER. He still functions fine at work, still goes to visit friends and still goes and does his hobbies with no problem. Is this the behavior of someone who genuinely is depressed, or is he just using that as an excuse because he doesn't know how to tell me it's over?

 

I really think this is it. Some guys just don't want to look the bad guy..These guys are cowards.

 

Devastated, a strong man doesn't leave his woman. He is strong for her throughout the relationship. The times he is weak he knows his 'teammate' will support him and be there for him. She won't try to change him, just encourage him and let him be him.

 

I just don't believe in people leaving cause life gets hard. They are quitters in my eyes. If they don't want me in their life good luck to them. Unless they move mountains I wont give them a second chance and neither should you.

Edited April 13, 2013 by Mack05

[i.am]

There are really people out there who are like that. They really mean it when they say their lives are in a mess and they really mean it when they say they don't know what they want.

 

And for your position, you have a choice - to allow him to pull you along with his mess up life or be strong to be on your own and be happy.

 

He will take a long time to figure out his mess up life. So are you willing to be "tortured" by him?

[Devastated77]

...so here is my update since a couple of days ago. Wanting any advice or thoughts, please, as this is doing my head in.

 

Friday, he sent me a text saying "good morning baby"...then he froze me out again for the rest of the day...went on fb constantly but didn't talk to me, except late that night we arranged to see each other Monday.

 

Saturday, much the same thing...good morning baby text, then not much...he went out that night to his mates.

 

Sunday, I messaged him in the morning and asked him to call me...he was on his way out, said he would call when he got there. He didn't, sent me a text around lunchtime saying "dunno if you will get this...not much reception here". I said "that's ok, can you call me when you get home please." He said "why?" I said "I just wanted to talk on the phone for a few min, and ask about tomorrow (monday when we were meant to meet.) He said "I have no idea about tomorrow, I have alot on at work". I said "it's important that we see each other. If you finish late I will come to you." His response was "I will be late every night the way things are going. I can't take pushing for me not to work late when I have that much **** to get done. Sick of everyone f***ing pushing me". I said "I understand that but you said you wanted this. You said you had no doubts at all." (Which he did say to me on the thursday night when we last saw each other.) He said "I dont but all this pressure is driving me insane." Now, I got a bit mad at that, as I had placed no pressure on him whatsoever. HE said monday, I backed off on texting or talking at all. So I replied "I have not pressured you in the least and to say that is not fair. I have backed off on texting and let you have some peace." He didn't reply for about 7 hours then texted me saying "My phone is about to die and we only just left." I didn't reply.

 

Next morning (Monday), I get a text: "Good morning baby. I'm sorry I didn't message I got home about midnight" then he tried to call me. I called back and we spoke for a few mins. He said he was sorry about yesterday, that he understood I wasn't pressuring him, I asked again if he is having second thoughts as it appears so, he said he definitely wasn't. I said he needs to put more effort in then because what he is doing isn't fair. He said he knew I wasn't ok and that it was because of him, and that "he feels horrible for what he keeps doing to me." Later that day I got a text that he couldn't see me due to work. Then he froze me out again, going on fb all the time and not replying to my messages.

 

So this morning, I called him...spoke briefly...he said he misses me....loves me very much...I said this ignoring my texts and going on fb has to stop...he claimed he wasn't doing that and I called him out on it, as fb tells you when people have been online...he said he didn't know why that was doing that. We finished the conversation with him telling me he loves me.

 

Now we are back to the same bloody thing - he is on fb and not replying to any texts and I have no idea if I am seeing him tonight.

 

Talked about mixed signals...I have NO IDEA what is going on. He SAYS all the right things, but acts completely differently...Mack, I was still going to follow your suggestion of telling him we will have NC for awhile and then meet up later...but how the hell can I do that when he won't even make the time to see me so I can?!?!?! And he's saying all these things, but acting like a tool! Please help

[Mack05]

I asked you to read aloneinparadise threads and see how he dealt with a similar thing. There is no change with this update. He is pulling, then pushing. This will continue until one day he pushes and there is no longer any 'pull'

 

You haven't set up any firm boundaries, so he just walks all over you with little regard to your feelings. You are allowing this..You need to set your firm boundaries now and don't tolerate him breaking those boundaries. If he won't meet send him a mail/Facebook..