Multi-dating: How do you keep up??

[lovinglife1]

After taking advice from friends, I've decided to try dating multiple people at once (not sleep around though) and I'm having trouble managing it all! I'm so used to dating only one person at a time, whether or not we are exclusive, that I find myself forgetting details about one, having to go back and reread texts or emails to recall little things from another, or having to look at their profiles again, etc. (I am online dating by the way, plus friends are trying to set me up as well.) How on earth do people do it? I'm always so busy, it's hard enough dating one man! Is this normal when joining a new OLD site and do the emails/date requests eventually simmer down? I have two first dates on Saturday (one for lunch and one for dinner), one on Sunday (brunch), and had to turn down two others because I felt bad enough double booking on Saturday! It seems so wrong. lol

 

I know I need to do this so I don't make the past mistake of focusing on one person, only to have it end, so any advice on how to date multiple people at once would help. Thanks!!

[SJC2008]

After taking advice from friends, I've decided to try dating multiple people at once (not sleep around though) and I'm having trouble managing it all! I'm so used to dating only one person at a time, whether or not we are exclusive, that I find myself forgetting details about one, having to go back and reread texts or emails to recall little things from another, or having to look at their profiles again, etc. (I am online dating by the way, plus friends are trying to set me up as well.) How on earth do people do it? I'm always so busy, it's hard enough dating one man! Is this normal when joining a new OLD site and do the emails/date requests eventually simmer down? I have two first dates on Saturday (one for lunch and one for dinner), one on Sunday (brunch), and had to turn down two others because I felt bad enough double booking on Saturday! It seems so wrong. lol

 

I know I need to do this so I don't make the past mistake of focusing on one person, only to have it end, so any advice on how to date multiple people at once would help. Thanks!!

 

Multi dating is a trap and makes people sting people along. I like girl A a lot and girl B is cool but I don't know if girl A likes me the same so I'm not going to let girl B go just yet. Rinse and repeat...

[Sivok]

What you're doing is fine.

 

In the future though I wouldn't recommend meals for first dates - especially blind dates (OLD is pretty close to that). You seem like an empathetic girl and I don't get the vibe that you'd walk out on someone during a dinner - but imagine sitting down with a guy and realizing you have no chemistry after 10-15 minutes in. Long, potentially awkward dinner.

 

When multi dating, it's best to stick with something really casual like coffee or a walk. You can also do drinks, but I'd recommend making it more casual like 'hey im going to be at so-and-so bar with my friend, bring a friend and come along'. These dates are the best because it's easy to transition to something else if you feel there's a spark with the guy. Went out to coffee and it's going well? Maybe head to lunch. Drinks go well? You guys can bar hop, go dancing, or grab a bite to eat.

 

Those are the best ways to handle mutli-dating because trust me, going on tons of eject-proof dates like a meal and having things not clique will wear you down very fast.

[rocketman122]

multidaters are scum. if I found out you multidated when we dated, there would be no more dates. Ijust hope youre honest and let them know this up front. Im not certain many will stick around.

[Mary Shadows]

I'm dating several people too. And also having to recall certain facts about their lives. I would say to keep it light and polite and have fun.

[salparadise]

I tried it a few months ago and had the same difficulties- trouble remembering which stories I had told to whom, what info each one had, etc. It didn't take me long to realize a few things... people start seeming generic when you're doing this and that's not good. m-dating inherently involves managing information on a per person basis and it feel deceitful even though you're technically not lying.

 

On Saturday you have two dates... if the lunch date asks what you have planned for the rest of the day what are you going to tell him, and if the dinner date asks what you did today... sure you could say you had lunch with a friend, but that's not exactly true. Or you could say you had a lunch date, in which case it could be quite awkward and the guy might even decide to walk out or something.

 

There's also the expense... oh yea, that's just a guy problem, but do you feel ok having different guys buying you lunch and dinner? I started doing the walk or coffee type things to avoid picking up checks for women I wasn't ever going to see again, and to keep it short if warranted. Then, I had a second date with a woman after a fantastic coffee date that went on for hours- dropped a bunch of cash on a nice restaurant and entertainment afterwards, had a nice time or so I thought, and then the bitch didn't respond to texts afterward. Screw that.

 

That was sort of the last straw for me. I'm just not a multi-dater. I started a thread on here about it and caught all kinds of harsh criticism- apparently some people think it's evil. Doing the OLD thing you may need to meet a lot people before setting down to dating one person, but I suggest trying to be as selective as possible about who you meet, then about who you go out with on a real date, and quickly narrow it down to one when you find a good one.

 

I've narrowed it down and am dating one person and I once again feel like a person of integrity and I feel valued and respected. Maybe it's different for women- in fact, I'm sure it's different in some ways but my advice would still be to narrow it down to one as soon as you find one you're interested in.

[StanMusial]

After taking advice from friends, I've decided to try dating multiple people at once (not sleep around though) and I'm having trouble managing it all! I'm so used to dating only one person at a time, whether or not we are exclusive, that I find myself forgetting details about one, having to go back and reread texts or emails to recall little things from another, or having to look at their profiles again, etc. (I am online dating by the way, plus friends are trying to set me up as well.) How on earth do people do it? I'm always so busy, it's hard enough dating one man! Is this normal when joining a new OLD site and do the emails/date requests eventually simmer down? I have two first dates on Saturday (one for lunch and one for dinner), one on Sunday (brunch), and had to turn down two others because I felt bad enough double booking on Saturday! It seems so wrong. lol

 

I know I need to do this so I don't make the past mistake of focusing on one person, only to have it end, so any advice on how to date multiple people at once would help. Thanks!!

 

Tru dat.

 

I literally do not have time to date more than one girl at once. My attitude is, if you're going to do something, do it right... when I was younger and dating around I tended to half-ass it.

[CryForNoOne]

The expense doesn't bother me too much because I like to eat out and view it as an opportunity to visit places I might not if I'm dining solo or with friends. So I'm living in the moment in that regard. If your attitude is it's an investment in a future GF then yes it will be frustrating if it goes nowhere. I've only had one girl not reply to the next day courtesy text after dropping $50 on cocktails. I wasn't going to ask her out again anyway but that was just rude. I did get wise and found a place that is classy but has happy hour all day Monday and until 8pm all other nights. Every first date starts there now...

[CryForNoOne]

multidaters are scum. if I found out you multidated when we dated, there would be no more dates. Ijust hope youre honest and let them know this up front. Im not certain many will stick around.

 

WTF then all men and women who aren't struggling to get a date are scum. Sometimes it takes a week + to schedule dates and if you've got multiple candidates, it's inevitable.

 

That said I found other than the "I already have plans" or "I had lunch with a friend" vagueness before you meet, total transparency is the best policy once we've met. I was in a potentially awkward situation last week when I was with my Friday date and bumped into my Wednesday date, whom I had already setup a second date with - and she was also on a date. I immediately introduced all parties and diffused the situation. I then told my date who the other girl was and we laughed about it. I liked Friday much more and cancelled my date with Wednesday girl but we're likely to hang out again as friends. Since then Friday girl and I openly disclosed dates we had subsequently. We are both really into each other so we've both kind of reassured each other that those dates were already scheduled, obligatory, and went nowhere so it's working so far. I haven't been a true multi-dating situation extended over several dates with 2 women. Frankly its not in my nature as I always tend to focus / obsess over one.

[sabre80]

WTF then all men and women who aren't struggling to get a date are scum. Sometimes it takes a week + to schedule dates and if you've got multiple candidates, it's inevitable.

 

That said I found other than the "I already have plans" or "I had lunch with a friend" vagueness before you meet, total transparency is the best policy once we've met. I was in a potentially awkward situation last week when I was with my Friday date and bumped into my Wednesday date, whom I had already setup a second date with - and she was also on a date. I immediately introduced all parties and diffused the situation. I then told my date who the other girl was and we laughed about it. I liked Friday much more and cancelled my date with Wednesday girl but we're likely to hang out again as friends. Since then Friday girl and I openly disclosed dates we had subsequently. We are both really into each other so we've both kind of reassured each other that those dates were already scheduled, obligatory, and went nowhere so it's working so far. I haven't been a true multi-dating situation extended over several dates with 2 women. Frankly its not in my nature as I always tend to focus / obsess over one.

 

That was my main reason why I did multidating. I had to schedule everything. However if I liked a woman enough to ask out on a second date I stopped looking for more dates with others. Though due to the time lapse in scheduling dates I might have has some overlap.

[Cutiepie1976]

First, understand that some posters have a difficult time finding dates. You will get a fair amount of displaced anger and bile as a result. Don't take it personally. The guys you are going on dates with are also multi-dating, as you discovered. Additionally, most first dates go nowhere. They are one and dones because of a lack of chemistry, a deal breaker that gets uncovered, or incompatibility on something or other. It would be absurd to not plan anything else until after each first date.

 

In terms of your question, it's really no different than remembering personal facts about different friends or different people you meet at a party, in a large business meeting, or at any social gathering. I think you're making it more difficult in your mind than it has to be. View your dates as the interesting people they are and have fun getting to know them, rather than viewing dating as a series of random facts to memorize. That's the impression I'm getting from your question, but I could be wrong. Apologies if I am.

 

I'll admit I don't engage in exchanges about meaningless trivia that I see some do. Honestly--favorite color, TV show, movie, etc.--these aren't things that determine suitability of a boyfriend or whether I might want to pursue a relationship with someone. Instead, I focused on and asked about the things that mattered to me in making my decisions. Those tend to be easier to remember...even years later when you randomly bump into someone as routinely happens for me.

 

In terms of remembering to follow up on promises--use whatever system you use in the rest of your life. For me that meant calendar reminders (added on my smartphone in the moment) and an up-to-date Excel spreadsheet containing my action list.

 

When I did OLD, I did 6-8 first dates on weekends plus typically a few more during the week itself. My first dates tended to be long and involved. My goal was to look for a connection and determine whether there was anything worth continuing. When I first started, I would schedule brunches, breakfasts and lunches, not just dinners and special events. I realized, however, that guys I dated during the day were at a huge disadvantage. It often ended up feeling like a business meeting. So I learned to stick with evening and night dates. You'll quickly figure out what works best for you.

 

If you're a people person and your profile conveys an accurate version of you, the option for a second date is yours pretty much. In the vast majority of cases, I wasn't interested. Occasionally, it took a second date to figure out how I felt. In one case, it took four dates. The other three became long-term relationships, and they bowled me over from our first date. For perspective, I exchanged messages with less than 10% of the guys who contacted me and went on first dates with a small fraction of those with whom I had exchanged messages. That still meant just under 100 first dates to get to three relationships. Considering other guys who ask me out stops when I'm asked to be exclusive and someone's girlfriend. As you discovered the hard way, until then you are both free agents.

 

I've had three long-term relationships from three brief stints on OLD. I got the outcome I was looking for each time with a guy I would otherwise have never met.

[CryForNoOne]

That was my main reason why I did multidating. I had to schedule everything. However if I liked a woman enough to ask out on a second date I stopped looking for more dates with others. Though due to the time lapse in scheduling dates I might have has some overlap.

 

My interest in a woman drops off a cliff the moment I meet someone else I like more. So multiple first dates is very healthy from my perspective because when I have options, I'm focusing on someone I genuinely like rather than succumbing to my obsessive tendencies.

[CryForNoOne]

First, understand that some posters have a difficult time finding dates. You will get a fair amount of displaced anger and bile as a result. Don't take it personally. The guys you are going on dates with are also multi-dating, as you discovered. Additionally, most first dates go nowhere. They are one and dones because of a lack of chemistry, a deal breaker that gets uncovered, or incompatibility on something or other. It would be absurd to not plan anything else until after each first date.

 

In terms of your question, it's really no different than remembering personal facts about different friends or different people you meet at a party, in a large business meeting, or at any social gathering. I think you're making it more difficult in your mind than it has to be. View your dates as the interesting people they are and have fun getting to know them, rather than viewing dating as a series of random facts to memorize. That's the impression I'm getting from your question, but I could be wrong. Apologies if I am.

 

I'll admit I don't engage in exchanges about meaningless trivia that I see some do. Honestly--favorite color, TV show, movie, etc.--these aren't things that determine suitability of a boyfriend or whether I might want to pursue a relationship with someone. Instead, I focused on and asked about the things that mattered to me in making my decisions. Those tend to be easier to remember...even years later when you randomly bump into someone as routinely happens for me.

 

In terms of remembering to follow up on promises--use whatever system you use in the rest of your life. For me that meant calendar reminders (added on my smartphone in the moment) and an up-to-date Excel spreadsheet containing my action list.

 

When I did OLD, I did 6-8 first dates on weekends plus typically a few more during the week itself. My first dates tended to be long and involved. My goal was to look for a connection and determine whether there was anything worth continuing. When I first started, I would schedule brunches, breakfasts and lunches, not just dinners and special events. I realized, however, that guys I dated during the day were at a huge disadvantage. It often ended up feeling like a business meeting. So I learned to stick with evening and night dates. You'll quickly figure out what works best for you.

 

If you're a people person and your profile conveys an accurate version of you, the option for a second date is yours pretty much. In the vast majority of cases, I wasn't interested. Occasionally, it took a second date to figure out how I felt. In one case, it took four dates. The other three became long-term relationships, and they bowled me over from our first date. For perspective, I exchanged messages with less than 10% of the guys who contacted me and went on first dates with a small fraction of those with whom I had exchanged messages. That still meant just under 100 first dates to get to three relationships. Considering other guys who ask me out stops when I'm asked to be exclusive and someone's girlfriend. As you discovered the hard way, until then you are both free agents.

 

I've had three long-term relationships from three brief stints on OLD. I got the outcome I was looking for each time with a guy I would otherwise have never met.

 

Wow! 100 first dates and you kept a spreadsheet??? I personally find nothing wrong with that, but why is it when a guy talks about multiple romantic interests on here, he gets labelled and slandered...

[Cutiepie1976]

Not sure what you mean by that. I was serious and focused on finding a long-term relationship. Your threads including the photos you post of these women, leave the impression that your primary purpose is to collect FWBs and obsess about whether they are "thin" enough.

 

I am not sure what you find unusual about an action item list but OK...to each his own...I guess?

 

My word is my bond. It's why I'm successful in life and my career. If I promise someone I will do XYZ, they are assured it shall be done, done well, and completed well ahead of the timeframe given, no matter how seemingly casual the conversation or random the suggestion. That's true whether I'm interacting with my boss, my colleagues, my friends, my siblings, a casual acquaintance I met once at a meeting somewhere, or...yes...a date. It's all on the same list! My boss likes to say, if you want something done, give it to the busiest person you know. He's right. Busy people are efficient and effective at cheerfully getting things done.

 

I ran into a former OLD date from a couple of years ago last week while we were both out of town on business. Total surprise. He asked me about my tennis game (he'd played varsity tennis in high school and college and had given me tips way back when) and something personal we had discussed. I asked him about a civic project he had been spearheading when we last spoke and something regarding his dad, that we'd also spoken about. We easily remembered all the things we'd discussed with each other because we had been genuinely interested in learning about each other and figuring out if we might have a connection. Neither of us needed to whip out spreadsheets or cheat sheets to have a fun, friendly, meaningful conversation. We both found each other genuinely interesting and had a fantastic date way back when. He just wasn't what I was looking for in a boyfriend. We had moved on to other dates.

 

If you need notes to remember people, then you're picking people who aren't genuinely appealing to you, or you aren't bothering to see the person as an individual worth knowing.

Edited April 12, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[reaver]

Not sure what you mean by that. I was serious and focused on finding a long-term relationship. Your threads including the photos you post of these women, leave the impression that your primary purpose is to collect FWBs and obsess about whether they are "thin" enough.

 

 

Thats because alot of men hold women to expectations that they themselves cannot fill.

[CryForNoOne]

Hey peace! I said there is nothing wrong with what you did. I admire your focus. I took a very methodical approach to OLD dating and scored a lot of dates in a very short period. I seemed to get a lot of flak for that mere fact alone. I got comments that my approach was off putting etc. Someone joked "do you keep a spreadsheet?" No I don't but it found it amusing you do and yet nobody commented. I freely admit I have a hangup with thin girls. Can't help it. But at least it can be a reflection of lifestyle and something many women have control over. I'm 6'1 175 and make an effort to stay that way and ask the same. There are so many people here hung up on race, height, IQ, income... I've read it all...

[Cutiepie1976]

Understood. Aside from posting pictures of women without their permission, I'm not necessarily giving you grief.

 

As for the various hangups you reference, those threads, at least when I've been on here, are started by guys blaming some perceived flaw for their dating results. I'm not sure blaming everything on your height, race, or whatever the person views as their unacceptable defect, is necessarily productive, but we're all entitled to our personal views on things and the outcome that results from those views. Hopefully, they'll eventually find whatever it is they seek.