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Finances, how do you guys handle it when you are not the spender?

ceres12

By ceres12
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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ceres12 Member

ceres12

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So at the moment i am not working my husband is the only one working we have NO BILLS what so ever AT ALL! Just probably cable and like 5 bucks a month for cell phone charges and car insurance is like 15 bucks a month. Yet somehow there is no money ever in the bank so much money is spent on crap every time he goes to the store he does not even look at a price tag just swipes. I can't stand it i have always been a saver always and it is getting me very frustrated! Also, when his friends want to go out omg so much money spend on crap like liquor or cigars stupid things he does not even use!

 

How do you guys handle spouses finances? specially when you are not the one making the money. Am frustrated!!! Every time i see a dollar i save it as much as i can other wise we would have nothing!! He makes at least 4,000 a month no bills, no electricity no nothing we don't have to pay for rent nothing and i don't get it and we have yet to see a 1,000 each paycheck!!! Our savings is nothing! I dont know how to control his spending! I have been wanting to buy us new furniture and things for the home but there is no money! :( any advice?

 

oh and also we dont have kids so there shouldnt even be any reason for spending how do you control finances with someone who doesnt even look at the price tag and does not thing about spending?

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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Have you ever tried to sit him down and discuss the finances and your goals for the future?

 

I would think that's what most people who merge their finances together would do.

Discuss how much comes in, how much needs to be aside for bills, mortgage, etc. How much needs to be put aside for future goals (renovations, furniture, vacations, etc..)

 

How old are you guys?

how long have you been married and sharing finances?

When did you leave your job?

Do you plan on working again?

 

And where is it that you live where you pay no rent AND you car insurance is $15/month (that last one blew my mind). Are you sure you really know what your monthly expenses are?

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january2011 Established Member

january2011

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I agree with everything in TigerCub's post:

 

 

  • Talk about shared goals that might need financial support
  • You need to address your own employment status
  • Mutually agree who manages the household finances
  • Agree what happens if you are not going back to work and you need money for things

 

 

If your outgoings don't amount to much then it's no wonder he thinks that he can spend whatever is left over because all your bills are still taken care of.

 

Does he agree with you that you "need new furniture and things for the home?" If he just thinks of these as nice-to-haves and not a priority then he's not going to think that he should use his salary to pay for them.

 

If I were you, I wouldn't talk about "controlling" finannces. I'm not your husband, but if I were, talk of "controlling" the money that I work hard to make would have me running for the hills. Therefore, I suggest that you focus on finding out how he sees his salary contributing to your shared life together.

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Els Established Member

Els

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Totally agree with TigerCub. Sign me up to live in such a place too! :eek:

 

I honestly think it's worrisome when you're talking about how you can 'control' his spending especially when you're not contributing. I could understand your frustration if it were the other way round - ie he's not working and he spends all your money on cigars etc - but in this case IMO I don't see your point of view at all.

 

It seems both of you are chugging along okay, since you have all your basic needs met, no kids that need to be taken care of, etc. If you feel you want new furniture for the home and are worried about the savings, can those not wait til you get a new job? None of that sounds especially urgent.

 

You can talk to your H about it, but really, if you approach it from the angle that we're seeing here, you're going to make him very (understandably) defensive and annoyed.

analystfromhell Established Member

analystfromhell

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When someone else's behaviour is as blatant and irritating to me as your husband's spending habits seem to be to you, I ask myself who can change and who can control. In this case, it seems unlikely that he places enough value on your relationship to either change or control- I'm assuming of course that you've talked with him about your concerns on numerous occasions and made it VERY clear (I'm talking GUY clear, not women clear) how you feel about his behaviour and how it's impacting your life and relationship.

 

So, can you get a job? If so, can you entirely segregate your finances? My SO and I had this issue and we 'solved' it by separate bank accounts, separate credit cards, separate cars, etc. We have no accounts in common- she spends what she wants and I do the same. Obviously this isn't the common situation but when the situation has gotten to the point where one person isn't going to change and the other can't stick the behaviour it seemed a reasonable course.

 

Bottom line- you cannot expect your SO to change their behaviours- it's pretty unlikely they will do so unless it directly impacts them and even then, if their habits are ingrained enough, they can take themselves down before their behavior changes. You are not responsible for your husband's debts if you have separate accounts- set up an account, say you'll pay certain bills (keep them in HIS name) and insist he puts enough money into your account for you to pay the bills. If he doesn't leave.....

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ceres12 Member

ceres12

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Thanks for all your responses:

 

Some clarity:

 

Yes i am sure of our monthly expenses, we live over seas we live in a military base which we pay no electricity no bills for the house at all what so ever, we get a monthly allowance EXTRA aside from regular check for food and even free things that we need to replace around the house in case something needs repairing they will fix it for us or change it or what not so it cost us nothing. They pretty much take care of everything.

 

About me working and shouldn't control his spending because it is HIS money, Technically because we are married he gets paid extra money for been "married". So technically i am not just painted in the wall. The reason why i have no job at the moment is because I had to quit my old job back home due to him getting orders to another country. Secondly he does not want me to work, believe me i have tried and every time i have brought it up he tells me no, that there is no need. Yet i do not see a dime, Now his mom called and says that he needs to pay for his parents bills which is even more excellent since we barely have savings.

 

About the furniture, we just moved to this base we have no furniture no dining set no nothing that is why i want us to invest in simple things for our home. The military gave us furniture too but it is temporary is lent and we need to give it back. Besides it is for US.

I have told him about savings and he completely agrees but then for work for example he goes to lunch and buys everyone food WTF! over 100 dollars!! and then if his friend comes over he buys him food as well or pays for his crap like its frustrating!

I am not asking to buy anything fancy i could care less but our home is our home and i feel as a woman i want our home to have at least curtains you get me? Idk am very frustrated asking him to buy things it is such a hassle and when i mean things i mean like simple things like going to go and get shampoo i dont know I hate it. I want to work believe me i do but he says for what i dont need to, but that is not what a marriage is supposed to be like at least i dont think it is where you do your thing i do my own otherwise we would have stayed in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. Its supposed to be different am a little frustrated and then now with his parents talking in a pushy and dominating way that he needs to pay for their bills because they cant afford it kinda frustrates me but i know it is his parents but how are we going to pay for their things when we barely safe a paycheck!

 

anyways thanks for all the feedback i appreciate it and the best option is the having our accounts separate is the best so he can see that he is the one spending our money to bits.

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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Thanks for all your responses:

 

Some clarity:

 

Yes i am sure of our monthly expenses, we live over seas we live in a military base which we pay no electricity no bills for the house at all what so ever, we get a monthly allowance EXTRA aside from regular check for food and even free things that we need to replace around the house in case something needs repairing they will fix it for us or change it or what not so it cost us nothing. They pretty much take care of everything.

 

About me working and shouldn't control his spending because it is HIS money, Technically because we are married he gets paid extra money for been "married". So technically i am not just painted in the wall. The reason why i have no job at the moment is because I had to quit my old job back home due to him getting orders to another country. Secondly he does not want me to work, believe me i have tried and every time i have brought it up he tells me no, that there is no need. Yet i do not see a dime, Now his mom called and says that he needs to pay for his parents bills which is even more excellent since we barely have savings.

 

About the furniture, we just moved to this base we have no furniture no dining set no nothing that is why i want us to invest in simple things for our home. The military gave us furniture too but it is temporary is lent and we need to give it back. Besides it is for US.

I have told him about savings and he completely agrees but then for work for example he goes to lunch and buys everyone food WTF! over 100 dollars!! and then if his friend comes over he buys him food as well or pays for his crap like its frustrating!

I am not asking to buy anything fancy i could care less but our home is our home and i feel as a woman i want our home to have at least curtains you get me? Idk am very frustrated asking him to buy things it is such a hassle and when i mean things i mean like simple things like going to go and get shampoo i dont know I hate it. I want to work believe me i do but he says for what i dont need to, but that is not what a marriage is supposed to be like at least i dont think it is where you do your thing i do my own otherwise we would have stayed in a boyfriend girlfriend relationship. Its supposed to be different am a little frustrated and then now with his parents talking in a pushy and dominating way that he needs to pay for their bills because they cant afford it kinda frustrates me but i know it is his parents but how are we going to pay for their things when we barely safe a paycheck!

 

anyways thanks for all the feedback i appreciate it and the best option is the having our accounts separate is the best so he can see that he is the one spending our money to bits.

 

Ok, so that will prove that you were right all along, but will not fix the situation one bit.

 

You need to talk to him about what specifically should be put aside for the things you need as a family and for little things you may need for you.

 

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner earns all the money and I almost have to ask for an allowance, or plead for him to get us the things we need.

 

If he doesn't want you to work, then he needs to make a financial plan WITH you and go from other, otherwise, you should get a job and not be left at anyone's mercy.

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ceres12 Member

ceres12

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Thank you tigercub, I did talk to him about saving and he agrees but one thing is agreeing and saying something and another thing is actually doing so we will see how this turns out. Now his parents expect for him to pay (actually more his mother than his dad his dad never really disturbs for anything his mom is the dramatic one, now she is wanting him to pay for their debt which kinda ticks me off too because they always act like they need stuff. I mean i get it its his parents and if my parents were in need i wouldn't even think of it twice and i would help them immediately. But one thing is having your parents that NEVER have asked for anything and one day they are in deed in a tight spot and another is asking ALL the time for money. I found out that last year (me and him were still dating) i found out that his mother was telling him that they needed money and this and that same old story and acting all dramatic and he gave them pretty much half of his paycheck to later find out for my own they never really needed anything, his mom told me bluntly herself so it is not a rumor it is true, and my husband knows nothing he is completely blinded by his mother. His mother just got that money he was sending them and saved it for herself. Now that she is asking for money i dont believe if she needs it or not she sounded annoyed as in like your married you make money now your going to have to give us money too and told him you know just because your married doesnt mean you can forget about us, she is very selfish. The day after we were married we didnt even have a honeymoon we just slept over at our parents house after the wedding we were so tired can you believe this woman called all night and all morning asking him when he was going over to his parents house??? I left it alone i didnt say anything i just hope one day on his own he figures it out, and not by me. So now we are been pressured and forced in to paying this debt they have with bills and what not that i dont even know if it is truly because they need it. Another thing is that what if her son wasnt working what would they do? If he didnt have money what would they do is what i dont get because they would need to take care of their businesss as best they could. Another thing is his mother is claiming that they dont have money yet she wants to spend thousands to travel across the world to come to our house which a trip from the US to were we are at is over $2,000 and she is not going to come alone so its not even $2000 is more how do you suppose they will pay for that? So is she telling the truth or lying about them really needing us to pay off their bills. This is also a concern. What do you think? Is frustrating enough we are newlyweds still and have yet to have furniture for our home or simple things like at least a curtain. We need to settle and she is making it even more difficult aside from the fact we have no savings. I fear my marriage will fail since finances are one of the reasons why some even divorce or so i have heard :(

 

i am going to insist in getting a job am not asking for his permission am just doing it even though he doesn't want me to work its just that i am afraid this gives him more comfort to spend even more as he pleases or even send his parents all our money.

Edited by ceres12
TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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Thank you tigercub, I did talk to him about saving and he agrees but one thing is agreeing and saying something and another thing is actually doing so we will see how this turns out. Now his parents expect for him to pay (actually more his mother than his dad his dad never really disturbs for anything his mom is the dramatic one, now she is wanting him to pay for their debt which kinda ticks me off too because they always act like they need stuff. I mean i get it its his parents and if my parents were in need i wouldn't even think of it twice and i would help them immediately. But one thing is having your parents that NEVER have asked for anything and one day they are in deed in a tight spot and another is asking ALL the time for money. I found out that last year (me and him were still dating) i found out that his mother was telling him that they needed money and this and that same old story and acting all dramatic and he gave them pretty much half of his paycheck to later find out for my own they never really needed anything, his mom told me bluntly herself so it is not a rumor it is true, and my husband knows nothing he is completely blinded by his mother. His mother just got that money he was sending them and saved it for herself. Now that she is asking for money i dont believe if she needs it or not she sounded annoyed as in like your married you make money now your going to have to give us money too and told him you know just because your married doesnt mean you can forget about us, she is very selfish. The day after we were married we didnt even have a honeymoon we just slept over at our parents house after the wedding we were so tired can you believe this woman called all night and all morning asking him when he was going over to his parents house??? I left it alone i didnt say anything i just hope one day on his own he figures it out, and not by me. So now we are been pressured and forced in to paying this debt they have with bills and what not that i dont even know if it is truly because they need it. Another thing is that what if her son wasnt working what would they do? If he didnt have money what would they do is what i dont get because they would need to take care of their businesss as best they could. Another thing is his mother is claiming that they dont have money yet she wants to spend thousands to travel across the world to come to our house which a trip from the US to were we are at is over $2,000 and she is not going to come alone so its not even $2000 is more how do you suppose they will pay for that? So is she telling the truth or lying about them really needing us to pay off their bills. This is also a concern. What do you think? Is frustrating enough we are newlyweds still and have yet to have furniture for our home or simple things like at least a curtain. We need to settle and she is making it even more difficult aside from the fact we have no savings. I fear my marriage will fail since finances are one of the reasons why some even divorce or so i have heard :(

 

i am going to insist in getting a job am not asking for his permission am just doing it even though he doesn't want me to work its just that i am afraid this gives him more comfort to spend even more as he pleases or even send his parents all our money.

 

Ok....

You said that you talked to him: Good for you!!! That's a great first step.

 

You say that you will see how things go and you're kind of unsure if he will do anything after the talk - that's where you set a schedule with him.

I'm not sure what you guys agreed on in your talk.

But for example, if say buying curtains and setting aside money for more furniture is on the list, then set a date for when you're going to go buy the curtains.

And set a date for the both of you to open a joint account that will have automatic withdrawals going to it from his paycheck.

 

The account is joint so he will still access it (as he should rightfully be able to), but with automatic withdrawals, it's an easier way to save because the money will be out of his regular account and he wont really think about it much.

 

See if he does these things according to the schedule that the both of you come up with - if he does and he's showing that he wants to work together to do these things with you, then I think you should give him credit.

 

If he doesn't or if you guys create the account and he's taking money out of it for no reason - then getting a job is certainly the way you should go.

 

As for the mom issue:

- She's his mom. He should help her out if he has it in him to do so.

- She told you that she didn't need money, but maybe she's just saving face and didn't want to admit to you that she's strapped for cash.

- Even if she is selfish and takes money she doesn't need (which would be terrible and I'd hate it), at the end of the day that's an issue that he needs to handle on his own. He needs to handle his mom.

 

I can totally understand how it's frustrating but if he's choosing his parents over his "family" with you then that's something you're going to have to decide on (if it's acceptable or not).

 

Maybe you can gently talk to him about it and explain how you need things, and that since he doesn't want you to work, his priority is to provide for his wife, then whatever is left over, fine give to his mom. But he can't neglect you and your needs especially since the no work thing is his wish.

 

I think people should always try to help their family out, but within their limits. He can't give it all to mom when his own home is falling apart.

 

SO talk to him about that and suggest that you guys save a little every month in the "Help Mom Account" but only with the left overs (after the things in your own home are dealt with).

 

Hope some of that helped.

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ceres12 Member

ceres12

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tigercub: you have been so helpful in the advice given and i will definitely give it a shot. It is his mom you are absolutely right and like i said i wont say a word i will let him find out on his own eventually. His mom spends countless on many things even led her husband and her into bankruptcy she spends on countless things not needed. But they make a lot of money. I do not mind helping his parents out because they are after all his parents but because of their lack of responsibility is what kind of upsets me since am dealing with my own husband's lack of responsibility with our finances. My husband's father always argued with his mother due to her spending this led them into countless of fights and he even wanted to divorce her more than one because he felt like a slave working just for her he never bought anything for himself, she would spend countless of hours in the channel QVC am not sure if you recall that channel shopping. She is always asking for money she did not need. But it is her mother and i respect that he needs to help them regardless of the need for money been true or not and i support it as i hope he would support me when and if my parents ever needed any financial help it is family. So i agree with you i will not question it or anything he needs to find out for himself.

as for me and him, i wrote down a plan we can try and he is willing to do it and agrees, he also supported me and we went with me looking for our furniture for our home since we are still trying to settle and get our home together. He is trying and i love him so much and that is why i am so scared of our financial issues since there is no need. About the whole taking care of our needs first then helping his parents within our limits i could not agree more, i completely agree with this as well except i wouldn't know how to word this to him without sounding offensive :( this is exactly how i feel as well. Also, he wanted to add his mom to our bank account for her to have complete access to our account can you imagine! Thankfully this did not happen. But i hope he does not reconsider. One thing is lending her money and giving it to her and another is this woman having full access to our finances and doing as she pleases. This made me worrisome as her history of been careless with money. Besides we are a marriage we have no access to his parent's bank account why should she? very infuriating. What do you think of this? Also, thanks again for your feedback i appreciated it very much.

 

cherrypum: as i wrote before, we do pay bills but just small things such as cable and cellphone and little things we have no debt we try to when we buy something just have the money at the moment and pay it off. we dont have credit card debt or anything as such since we try not to rely on credit cards as it is a double edge sword and it is easy to get in debt that way, so for example when we bought our TV we paid it cash since we have the money at the moment but if we didnt we would wait to have the money and then buy it when it is something that costs a lot. Also, we live in a military base so we pay nothing for housing water electric etc. we dont have children and where we live car insurance its extremely cheap and we also get money for food every month due to us been military, and both his car and my car are completely paid off so this is where my frustration came in since there is no reason for us to not be saving money every month.

 

I like the idea of the write what we both agree on paper and have us both sign it to make it more clear that we need to both be responsible its a great idea that way it is not directly pointing at him and i will also be held accountable. As well as the we situation, i also dont try to bring this subject up every day as it is also exhausting and i wouldnt want to drive him crazy with everything that is going on he is really busy at work.

 

 

I spoke with him and came up with a plan now lets see next month if it works out.

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

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tigercub: you have been so helpful in the advice given and i will definitely give it a shot. It is his mom you are absolutely right and like i said i wont say a word i will let him find out on his own eventually.

 

Glad I can help Ceres :)

I didn't mean don't say a word to him about the spending with the mom. I think you should express your concerns but I meant that it's between him and his mom and he'd be the one that tells her no to some things.

 

His mom spends countless on many things even led her husband and her into bankruptcy she spends on countless things not needed. But they make a lot of money. I do not mind helping his parents out because they are after all his parents but because of their lack of responsibility is what kind of upsets me since am dealing with my own husband's lack of responsibility with our finances. My husband's father always argued with his mother due to her spending this led them into countless of fights and he even wanted to divorce her more than one because he felt like a slave working just for her he never bought anything for himself, she would spend countless of hours in the channel QVC am not sure if you recall that channel shopping. She is always asking for money she did not need.

 

That's terrible.

I have a friend who was taking care of her parents, but they were squandering whatever money she gave them, so at the end, she ended up paying things directly for them rather than give them cash.

That might be something your husband should consider - totally good to help his mom, if she needed a bill paid or whatever, but he should pay it directly rather than give her money that will end up getting spent on the shopping network!:eek:

 

But it is her mother and i respect that he needs to help them regardless of the need for money been true or not and i support it as i hope he would support me when and if my parents ever needed any financial help it is family. So i agree with you i will not question it or anything he needs to find out for himself.

 

 

as for me and him, i wrote down a plan we can try and he is willing to do it and agrees, he also supported me and we went with me looking for our furniture for our home since we are still trying to settle and get our home together. He is trying and i love him so much and that is why i am so scared of our financial issues since there is no need. About the whole taking care of our needs first then helping his parents within our limits i could not agree more, i completely agree with this as well except i wouldn't know how to word this to him without sounding offensive :( this is exactly how i feel as well.

If it were me, I would just be honest and say something like "Baby, I know that's your mom and I do think you should help her. i think that every month when we do our budgeting we should put some money away for helping your mom after we have put aside all the money we need to take care of our home and reach our goals. I'm all for helping family, but we have to do it within our means"

 

Also, he wanted to add his mom to our bank account for her to have complete access to our account can you imagine! Thankfully this did not happen. But i hope he does not reconsider. One thing is lending her money and giving it to her and another is this woman having full access to our finances and doing as she pleases. This made me worrisome as her history of been careless with money. Besides we are a marriage we have no access to his parent's bank account why should she? very infuriating. What do you think of this? Also, thanks again for your feedback i appreciated it very much.

 

Yeah...Hells to the NO on that one.

She's financially irresponsible, if he does that, get a job and a separate account and draw up post nuptial papers so that when his mom burns through all his money and he's forced to declare bankruptcy you will be safe.

 

Honestly, that's like allowing an alcoholic access to your liquor cabinet. Terrible idea!

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