'Scarcity Mentality'

[iplaymybassinthesun]

I've read a little bit about this and I think I definitely have this frame of mind when it comes to women. I'm afraid to put myself out there into the dating world.

 

I haven't really ever done so (I'm 30), and I realized that the reason why I'm, not necessarily fearful but that I avoid going out of my way to do it is a) I'd have to go out alone because I have no friends I can do this with and b) I feel like if I fail or am rejected, it will be another ten years. Is this a common irrational fear?

 

My younger brother getting married this summer just has me thinking about all this. He dated a hell of a lot when he was younger and he's settling down already. It's not a race, I know. I feel there's something off when your little bro has always fought the women off with a stick and is now married with a family, and you're still like that kid in middle school who is too timid to pass that note in class to the girl he likes.

[Estate]

It's actually very common, and you're not alone at all.

 

But if you want to get over any sort of "fear" you just have to face it.

It's not easy but you have to do it sometimes, then it will become easier when it becomes more natural.

[ses]

Don't get too wrapped in your head. Don't feel rushed and overanalyze yoursełf. Talking to women may scare you sh--less but you have to do it. It will get easier and better with time and experience. I promise you that not all women bite (and if we do, it may just mean we really like you). Good luck!

[TigerCub]

It's actually very common, and you're not alone at all.

 

But if you want to get over any sort of "fear" you just have to face it.

It's not easy but you have to do it sometimes, then it will become easier when it becomes more natural.

 

I admit that guys have it tougher because they usually are expected to do the approaching and therefore risk rejection a lot more than girls, but I agree with the above. You just have to force yourself in the beginning to just get out there even if it is on your own and try to meet people.

 

My bf told me that he actually had to do that (before we got together), he actually pushed himself to go to a bar or a club, even on his own and just have a drink and try to at least talk to 1 girl. He told me that the first time he did it he was really nervous but he was glad that he forced himself to do something out of his comfort zone.

[Estate]

I admit that guys have it tougher because they usually are expected to do the approaching and therefore risk rejection a lot more than girls, but I agree with the above. You just have to force yourself in the beginning to just get out there even if it is on your own and try to meet people.

 

My bf told me that he actually had to do that (before we got together), he actually pushed himself to go to a bar or a club, even on his own and just have a drink and try to at least talk to 1 girl. He told me that the first time he did it he was really nervous but he was glad that he forced himself to do something out of his comfort zone.

 

It is true.

 

I was having a rather interesting conversation lately with a female friend. She often got the idea that when a guy approaches her, she might turn him down if she gets the impression he's really smooth or slick and that he just approaches every girl he sees, but the reality is that the same guy has probably been psyching himself up all week just to go out and do that one approach in a cool and calm manner.

 

It's not always easy for guys to be honest. But if you're not in you won't win. Guys like the above can either brush it off and actually go chat to another girl who might be more receptive or they can go back home afraid to ever approach again. Which guy do you want to be?

[iplaymybassinthesun]

Guys like the above can either brush it off and actually go chat to another girl who might be more receptive or they can go back home afraid to ever approach again. Which guy do you want to be?

 

I certainly don't want to be the guy who 'never approaches again' after one or two awkward situations (that I didn't mean to cause) anymore. I've have been that guy for 11 years. I have lots of friends (but only one or two close ones), many acquaintances and musician friends, but I still avoid approaching. I can't seem to find a way in to the process. I basically have people in my life thinking that its not important to me to have any intimate relationships because they never hear me talk about it and they never see me try.

[c57dood]

This will sound immature, but no matter how hot or pretty a girl is, she poops and farts and it smells just like ours. Keeping this in mind, behind all the glitter and makeup she's just a human like you and me and suddenly they're less intimidating.

 

Approaching should always be done with a light-hearted and playful demeanor. Get her smiling or laughing and your chances to see her again go up ten fold. Heck, most women will politely decline if they're not interested, not bite your head off. And if she does get nasty, be glad she's doing it upfront and not months down the line!

Edited April 12, 2013 by c57dood

[iplaymybassinthesun]

This will sound immature, but no matter how hot or pretty a girl is, she poops and farts and it smells just like ours. Keeping this in mind, behind all the glitter and makeup she's just a human like you and me and suddenly they're less intimidating.

 

Approaching should always be done with a light-hearted and playful demeanor. Get her smiling or laughing and your chances to see her again go up ten fold. Heck, most women will politely decline if they're not interested, not bite your head off. And if she does get nasty, be glad she's doing it upfront and not months down the line!

 

It's not immature. Just straightforward, and you're right. Women are people too. Not goddesses. Not meant for pedestals. In fact, I have no nervousness or anxiety at all around any women unless I'm physically attracted to them. Then, it's game over. I forget to be lighthearted and playful. Instead, I just walk away, thinking "wow I really wanted to communicate with that person that I'm attracted to her, but I don't want to offend her, catch her off guard", any number of things...like I give myself an instant and endless list of reasons why. "Wow, she's attractive. She is too! It's a shame I'll never meet any of them, and simply admire from afar"...yeah, it's dumb what my mind does.

[iplaymybassinthesun]

Are you successful at something in life? How did you become successful at it?

 

I doubt that you went on a forum and talked about it. You went out of your way to learn it and you kept pushing until you succeeded.

 

Your ability to get a girl is no different than any other skill. Yes, some people are more naturally inclined. But if you work hard and if you REALLY want it, you can definitely get it.

 

 

True. This has happened to me. I guess what I've done is turn meeting women, pursuing these types of relationships into something where hard work doesn't determine success. I've turned it into something cerebral, dictated by things like 'luck' and 'fate' and something that can't be learned, because all the emotions involved aren't linear, logical and rational. As I said in a previous post, I've always had an over-abundance of thoughts and been terrible in dealing with these emotions.

[Estate]

Well it's no use telling you it's "easy" because I've been there and hen you're not used to it then it doesn't seem easy at all.

 

But there is no "process" to meeting a girl. If you see a cute girl waiting for a bus, there's no reason you can't go say Hi. It's not awkward, it only is if you make it.

 

It's your world, don't be bothered by what anyone might think, chances are they don't think negative at all. Most people only wish they had the same courage.

 

Try making small talk, then build up to being more up front about liking them and wanting their number.

You'll get there, baby steps. But unfortunately nobody will do it for you, get out there this weekend, walk around town and just say Hi to random people, after about 5 it won't even seem odd anymore.