.. venting..

[uniqwa]

well I deactivated my fb account for what I hope will be the last time..

I know he doesn't want to be with me.. I don't even think like that anymore..

I just keep thinking about memories.. I look at his pics.. and I literally feel like crying my ass off every single time.. the guy who I saw forever with, my first.. Kinda just drop kicked my ass like an old shoe..

He moved on to "better" things.. I should do the same, I should let him go but in my heart I literally hold on to what I had.

If I don't let go, I'll never be able to move on. I should because he doesn't want me. He seriously didn't want me then and he told me he felt sorry for me..

I genuinely loved him, I still love him. ( not the ******* he turned out to be)

I loved who he was with me, and I can't get over him.. I've tried talking to guys, I've gone on one date.

I haven't kissed anyone since him, I haven't let anyone touch me.

I feel like because he was my first that is what makes is extra hard, I am 20 years old, I was ready to "settle", he had fetishes for being in an open relationship, I allowed him to do that.

I literally feel as though, I am constantly struggling. I struggle to be happy. I struggle to literally talk to people, because I am so miserable.. I have to talk to my family, I literally try and be supportive, I try to give my full attention and not seem uninterested..but I honestly just want to sleep and I'm never hungry. I want to curl up and just try and forget him.

He's not attracted to me.. Doesn't love me.. I should do the same.

but it's not that simple for me.. It's not as simple for me to let him go..

two months and I'm sure he doesn't think about me. he doesn't care. He's not in love with me..

I Know I need to let him go.. but its extremely hard for me..

I hope that I can just stop looking at him now.. i know that's what a lot of people do, they throw away old pics, I love him still and even though he's hurt me it's been a nightmare.

I saw forever, its been dead. I just can't let go and I don't know how.. I get this extreme pain in my heart like it's being squeezed.. I get the memories when I'm trying to sleep. I never sleep. I'm literally like a zombie.

but one thing does help. " he doesn't love you. He would rather die"

he had told me that he would rather die.. that hurt like a motherfker

but It's kept me going. He literally does not love me.. never did..

Anyways.. I'm hoping that by not looking at him.. I can be happy, I can try and forget him, I've tried other things, but they don't work. Nothing works. I've been extremely depressed and holding onto something that isn't coming back is extremely obsessive..

It's literally got me dealing with so much, I can understand that he doesn't want me. I can understand that i wasn't his type. I can even understand that he felt sorry for me..

I can't understand why my logic conflicts. WHY my logic does not rule over my emotion. I should not be depressed going on 3 months and he's long gone. He's long gone and in love and I'm holding on to memories that literally haunt me.. I shouldn't be this broken still.

[hinatticus]

It took me 3 years to fully recover from my first love. That was like 15 years ago. Guess what? I've had other loves, even made a baby with one. Point is it will all be a distant memory. You seem to know what's right. That's a good first step. Believe me, it will all be a distant memory... Completely forgotten...

 

Good luck

[CompleteFailure]

My emotions are driving me, good and bad. My logic justifies everything my emotions say because I don't have the strength to fight them. Do we really have control over our emotions? Yes, if we choose to. I've been choosing wrong. I should move forward now. So should you.

[uniqwa]

The problem with that is.. I literally love him.. It's easier said then done.. I know he's moved on, he's happy.. I'm just going to give it time... It takes longer then what I've expected, when you're madly in love with someone, that feeling doesn't die over night.. I know it's a process, we do have control over our emotions.. BUT I'm human as are you.. One night isn't going to cut it for me and I've come to terms with that. I fell hard, I'm literally a one man type of girl, I've always been that way.. basically I'm a catch in that regard, but that's what makes it so tough.. I literally didn't look at other men, I didn't think of other men, I still haven't. I will give myself time, because time is literally the only thing that will fix things for me. NOT my mind although very strong, I choose to be human and not a detached robot, killing my emotions would cause me to build barriers and the next person I am with, I'd like to not have higher walls.

[CompleteFailure]

Agreed, this thing I define as love hits on so many levels and comes and goes as it pleases, without any logic of when or where. Yesterday I could drop dead of the suffering, today I could care less. Perhaps, we really only have a choice over which emotion to follow. Logic is just there to help guide us to one of those many choices.

[uniqwa]

I'm not over him.. I tried.. I couldn't even deactivate my fb.. I'm going to give myself more time. I need time. Is that normal? idk I feel that how everything happened was so stupid. It was literally so stupid.. but time..

[siankat]

Uniqwa...ask yourself if you would have wanted to be 30 with his kids..he's shagging around and all the lying and sneaking that comes with and spending money on other woman that should be spent at home. At 40 when he's trying to date 20 years olds again, at 50 when your kids are grown and making their way in this world. At 60 when you don't even like him anymore because being young gave you hope, so much hope for a future with this guy that was never realised even though you had him. At 70...you look at your life and wonder what you did for YOU. He won't change hun. And the next girl will get the same serenade and then duped into a relationship and then he will reveal himself when it's too late for her. This guy, the way he spoke to you, that is not loving or even courteous so i don't think you really did miss out on a good guy. And by the way the fool in his life is not with him because he's a changed man and in love. She is with him because many women date crappy guys. Wishing you well and hope your upswing comes soon

[siankat]

And it is normal to grieve for so long. It's proportional to how deeply you felt. One bit of advice i would give. When you look back as someone else said, you won't have these horrible emotions physically taking over your body when you think of him (this is what you want right?). So in the meantime, and i know for me it's like this, get on with other things even if they seem harder than normal, even if it's half, third, quarter what you normally do, because when you look back at this time, you will want the memory that you still did things and that your time was filled with more than just the pit of despair thinking about him. It's the memory of what you DID in your time that will remain. Not how you FELT.

 

Try it now.... try and feel a negative emotion (anger, sadness etc) you felt at one time over something that you no longer do. It's hard right? We cannot feel, or unfeel at will. But memories of how we used and filled the time now will always be with us.