8confusedmale3 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Not sure what is going on with my "girlfriend" I began dating a very nice woman 8 months ago. I am in my thirties and she is in her early forties. Neither of us ever married. After 4 months of everything going excellent, she texts me while I am in my office and asks me to call her when I get a chance. We will refer to this as "freak out #1". So I call her and she breaks off our date for that evening and goes on to say that she doesnt want to lead me on as she has been sensing I wanted something serious. She tells me what a great guy I am and maybe we can "hang out" in the future. I talk to her for a bit and then say "sorry you feel this way, goodbye." The next day, I texted her asking her if she wanted to talk (because I was floored by this coming out of the blue) and she told me she wants sometime to think this over. She said she was confused and did not know why she is acting like this. I was polite and told her OK and to make whatever decision is going to make her happy. I proceeded to go No Contact. Less than a week later, she texts me saying she misses me and is ready to talk. Ok great. We plan a night out/ date. We talk. She says she really didnt give me a fair chance and is now ready to. She goes on to say that if we are going to be serious together, she would like to be atleast engaged two years from now. I am kinda floored by all this sudden "seriousness" from her while the entire 4 months I have been with her I have just been going with the flow. She also said she wanted to move slow together. Talk about talking out of both sides of her mouth. After this talk of becoming "official" things go excellent again for another 2 months. After our next date or two she says to me that she is really "glad we are back on track together." A week or two later she said she is happy "we can start moving forward together." The next time we see each other after Valentine's day, she invited me over. She made me dinner. After dinner, we cuddled on the couch and made out like we usually do. I told her I loved her. (this is after being together 7 months) She had no response and pretty much pretended she didn't hear it. We proceeded to go into the bedroom and make love. We got our groove on rather passionately. More so than ever before because while in the act, our eyes locked together for a good 20 or 30 seconds. After we were finished, as we were cuddling she said that we had to talk again. She proceeded to tell me that she doesnt think she can be serious with me. I told her "OK, lets just say goodbye then." After I said that she back pedaled and told me a story about how her friend had a guy friend who kept pursuing her and she (my girlfriend's friend) finally fell madly in love with him. Im sitting there kinda dumbfounded by this whole thing. She says lets continue with the status quo, but we are just gonna be "friends" and most likely nothing more. Being confused, I agreed and now 2 months later, she still treats me like her boyfriend. She is adamant that we can't see other people and that we have to be exclusive. Ummm, I thought we werent serious?? We still have sex together. We still go on dates. She still introduces me to her friends as her "boyfriend". She reaches to hold my hand when we our out together or even driving in the car together. She kisses me in public. We had a rather deep conversation the other night over dinner and she held my hand across the table while we were talking. Other material facts: We didn't start having sex until we were together 3 months. We see each other once or twice a week (both busy adults) Neither of us have or want kids. We never sleep together after sex. She always throws me out or leaves. I found this odd. Once we fell asleep together. She woke me up at 4 am and threw me out when she realized what happened. When I was helping her move into her new place, I set up her computer and router. While setting up her computer, I noticed (no I wasnt snooping) that she was searching on google for ways to get over her ex. BIG RED FLAG Mind you, she broke up with him over 2 years ago and has dated several other guys in between me and him, however she has been with me the longest. I cant help but think this has something to do with it. We were talking one night and asked me that if she moved away if I would miss her. A small bit of smart-ass came out of me and I told her "I thought we are just friends, so I dont really have a horse in that race, do I?" I proceeded to ask her if she would miss me, and she said yes she would. I'm really confused here? Do I have a commitaphobe on my hands? Did I drop the L word too soon? Is this ever going to go anywhere? I do really like her and really care about her. In fact this is my only issue with her, her inability to commit or let me know how she really feels. Her words say she doesnt love me, but her actions say the exact opposite. I'm confused, any advice is appreciated...........
todreaminblue Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Not sure what is going on with my "girlfriend" I began dating a very nice woman 8 months ago. I am in my thirties and she is in her early forties. Neither of us ever married. After 4 months of everything going excellent, she texts me while I am in my office and asks me to call her when I get a chance. We will refer to this as "freak out #1". So I call her and she breaks off our date for that evening and goes on to say that she doesnt want to lead me on as she has been sensing I wanted something serious. She tells me what a great guy I am and maybe we can "hang out" in the future. I talk to her for a bit and then say "sorry you feel this way, goodbye." The next day, I texted her asking her if she wanted to talk (because I was floored by this coming out of the blue) and she told me she wants sometime to think this over. She said she was confused and did not know why she is acting like this. I was polite and told her OK and to make whatever decision is going to make her happy. I proceeded to go No Contact. Less than a week later, she texts me saying she misses me and is ready to talk. Ok great. We plan a night out/ date. We talk. She says she really didnt give me a fair chance and is now ready to. She goes on to say that if we are going to be serious together, she would like to be atleast engaged two years from now. I am kinda floored by all this sudden "seriousness" from her while the entire 4 months I have been with her I have just been going with the flow. She also said she wanted to move slow together. Talk about talking out of both sides of her mouth. After this talk of becoming "official" things go excellent again for another 2 months. After our next date or two she says to me that she is really "glad we are back on track together." A week or two later she said she is happy "we can start moving forward together." The next time we see each other after Valentine's day, she invited me over. She made me dinner. After dinner, we cuddled on the couch and made out like we usually do. I told her I loved her. (this is after being together 7 months) She had no response and pretty much pretended she didn't hear it. We proceeded to go into the bedroom and make love. We got our groove on rather passionately. More so than ever before because while in the act, our eyes locked together for a good 20 or 30 seconds. After we were finished, as we were cuddling she said that we had to talk again. She proceeded to tell me that she doesnt think she can be serious with me. I told her "OK, lets just say goodbye then." After I said that she back pedaled and told me a story about how her friend had a guy friend who kept pursuing her and she (my girlfriend's friend) finally fell madly in love with him. Im sitting there kinda dumbfounded by this whole thing. She says lets continue with the status quo, but we are just gonna be "friends" and most likely nothing more. Being confused, I agreed and now 2 months later, she still treats me like her boyfriend. She is adamant that we can't see other people and that we have to be exclusive. Ummm, I thought we werent serious?? We still have sex together. We still go on dates. She still introduces me to her friends as her "boyfriend". She reaches to hold my hand when we our out together or even driving in the car together. She kisses me in public. We had a rather deep conversation the other night over dinner and she held my hand across the table while we were talking. Other material facts: We didn't start having sex until we were together 3 months. We see each other once or twice a week (both busy adults) Neither of us have or want kids. We never sleep together after sex. She always throws me out or leaves. I found this odd. Once we fell asleep together. She woke me up at 4 am and threw me out when she realized what happened. When I was helping her move into her new place, I set up her computer and router. While setting up her computer, I noticed (no I wasnt snooping) that she was searching on google for ways to get over her ex. BIG RED FLAG Mind you, she broke up with him over 2 years ago and has dated several other guys in between me and him, however she has been with me the longest. I cant help but think this has something to do with it. We were talking one night and asked me that if she moved away if I would miss her. A small bit of smart-ass came out of me and I told her "I thought we are just friends, so I dont really have a horse in that race, do I?" I proceeded to ask her if she would miss me, and she said yes she would. I'm really confused here? Do I have a commitaphobe on my hands? Did I drop the L word too soon? Is this ever going to go anywhere? I do really like her and really care about her. In fact this is my only issue with her, her inability to commit or let me know how she really feels. Her words say she doesnt love me, but her actions say the exact opposite. I'm confused, any advice is appreciated........... I dont know what she is thinking it is a bit push and pull from what you have written what is it you really want from the relationship...or with her..do you see a future....or not......deb
Author 8confusedmale3 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I certainly see the potential to have a future with her. We share the same values, want the same things, etc........ I don't mind putting the time in if there is atleast a chance for a future. If there is no chance in hell of a future with her, I'd rather say goodbye now. My friends told me she is scared. Its obvious she really "likes" me.........
ses Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 What do you seek with her in the long-term? Do you see a future? You need to clearly articulate to her any and all expectations. Compatibility might be an issue. She might just want a warm body at night, nothing more. You sound far more invested in the relationship. I think you deserve better. Kicking you out of bed and not reciprocating feelings are both red flags; the latter more so than the former. If she can't communicate her desires to you then I would break it off. Nobody deserves to be treated like a faucet: hot and cold.
Author 8confusedmale3 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 verbally she communicated that we are "friends" her actions communicate that we are more i'm all for taking things slow, but its like she spoiled the movie for me already by telling me there is nothing at the end of the rainbow she may very well just want a good man in her life and we may have hit her comfort zone and thats all i am getting or everytime she feels it getting serious, she gets scared and freaks out whether it be because of past heartbreaks, fear of being tied down i do know she is not keen on getting rid of me...........
Author 8confusedmale3 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 long term, i do want to marry SOMEBODY ive been with her 8 months, i do not know if I want to marry HER, it is not out of the question though her being wishywashy is a strike against her though, I can tell you that
ses Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 long term, i do want to marry SOMEBODY ive been with her 8 months, i do not know if I want to marry HER, it is not out of the question though her being wishywashy is a strike against her though, I can tell you that Her lack of commitment is a red flag. I don't think she is someone to invest in a serious LTR with due to her ambivalence. I couldn't handle a guy who had the inability to align his verbal and physical actions. It would drive me crazy and I would eventually end the relationship. You deserve answers as her partner. If she can't handle questions about her commitment then that signals she's not mature and ready for a relationship. She may enjoy having you by her side, but don't you think you deserve a lot more?
Author 8confusedmale3 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 oh I damn well know I deserve a lot more however, now in my thirties, after some of the "winners" i have had, i am beginning to get afraid that this one may be the best it gets......... sort of like do i try to trade this hand of cards for a better hand?
ja123 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Overall, I'd say a lot of your fundamental needs are not being met. She is not treating you with respect. Kicking you out of bed? That is so disrespectful, not to mention hurtful. Listen, she's probably a nice person but, for whatever reason, she's got issues that are interferring with your (and her!) happiness. I'd jump ship, if I were you.
Author 8confusedmale3 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 I'm a guy......if it wasn't for the great sex, i'd be gone already......sorry its true I am fully aware that my emotional needs are barely being met at all from her........ In my opinion, she has the emotional maturity of a 21 year old I'm moving up in the world though, my ex who is now 34, has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old:rolleyes: Getting kicked out of bed...........maybe thats just karma for what i did to females in my early 20's...... 1
Recommended Posts