ladydesigner Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Just thought I would update. My marriage is in shambles right now, but my WH and I are finding our way back. I had another DDay in March of 2012 and had found "I love you" and "I miss you" texts. WH claimed nothing happened but a kiss, yada yada yada, you know the drill. Anyways I kicked him out and he begged to do anything to fix it. My requirements for reconciliation were NC, IC, better boundaries with women. Well he broke NC 3 months into R and I spiraled into such a deep depression I attempted suicide and went into inpatient. After I got out he seemed to be trying, but not enough and definitely not remorseful. 6 months later I became a super sleuth and was able to retrieve all texts (deleted too) from my WH's phone. Sure enough I found out WH had a EA/PA with his employee for 2 months. I confronted with my new evidence and he confirmed it. I just lost my **** at this point and cycled between rage and depression until my final DDay on Thanksgiving Day 2012 I went out of town and put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car and caught the OW in the car with him that day:( I was devastated and done. I calmly asked him to come home and we would start discussing visitation with kids and where he would be staying. He didn't want to leave, so we slept in separate rooms. I ended up in inpatient again and when I got out my WH told me nothing matters to him but his family, that he would move, put gps on his phone, IC whatever I needed. He knew he had done this to us. I started to see remorse that day and everyday since then. I have finally been able to put the focus back on myself and not on him or his A, that is his dirty detail to keep, and I am getting stronger each and every day. Every day I am surviving this thing called infidelity. Hope you are all well!
TigerCub Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 (((ladydesigner)) It made me so sad to hear of what you went through. I'm sorry that his mistakes got you to such a dark place that you would consider ending you life I'm sad that he didn't smarten up before the 1st inpatient visit or after it. I know you are attempting to work things out now that you see his remorse, but honestly, he doesn't deserve you. I'm glad that you are focusing on yourself now. I wish you nothing but the best. Please take care of yourself. 3
2sure Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Oh god, you and he sound very much like my x and I. Please take a look at one of my journals, written just after our last reconciliation. He sounds like a serial cheater. Some will say he can't stop, but I say won't. It is HIS problem, it probably has nothing to do with you personally. Obviously, decisions will be made. But right now, like you said...you have to take care of yourself. Get your head together. Different mind set. No more effort and worry put into IF he is cheating. Keep his freaking problem away from you and your kids, and keep breathing. A new mind set, and energy spent on positives will lead you to a better place. I'm here for you 5
Author ladydesigner Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks you guys for your words of support! I am sorry you are going through this and i hope you get help but why are you two still together? You have both cheated on each other so why continue down this path? In answer to these questions. I have been in IC for 2 years and am now on medication that helps my depression and mood stability. The reason we are still together is because we love each other have been together for 17 years and have 2 kids who love both their parents. My WH is showing me everyday that he wants the marriage, otherwise I wouldn't have stayed. He is putting in the hard work and he handled all the rage I have thrown in his direction this past year. Yes we have both cheated and we are both responsible for the marriage falling apart. I am hoping with time we can mend it. We are going to start marriage counseling again. I'm not putting a guarantee on it though. I only live day by day now
Author ladydesigner Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Can I ask is it really fair to kick your H out of the house for cheating and so on when you yourself cheated and never admitted to it? Probably not, but I was so mad at the time it would have been in his best interest to leave. I disclosed my A to him when I found out about his EA and came fully clean and answered all his questions. My A had been over for 4 years at that point. I had a revenge affair to his first A. My WH left me for a week after I told him about my A. I mean can you really judge him for saying things like "it was just a kiss" when you are doing/did the same thing? I don't judge him for that. What upsets me is that he kept the A going, while telling me all of this.
Author ladydesigner Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Im not trying to pick on you but I just don't understand it all No worries there. Sometimes I don't understand it either
Summer Breeze Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 LD. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I find it both amazing and inspiring that after all that you guys are still working so hard to keep it together. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Author ladydesigner Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 LD. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. I find it both amazing and inspiring that after all that you guys are still working so hard to keep it together. I wish you all the luck in the world. Thanks! While I know most would not have stuck around I am giving it another go around. My WH is putting in a lot of effort (as am I) and we have been openly communicating about his A and mine. He has been in IC exploring family of origin issues, while I am in IC stabilizing my mental health and getting stronger emotionally.
PhoenixRise Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Thanks! While I know most would not have stuck around I am giving it another go around. My WH is putting in a lot of effort (as am I) and we have been openly communicating about his A and mine. He has been in IC exploring family of origin issues, while I am in IC stabilizing my mental health and getting stronger emotionally. LD I am so glad that you are getting stronger emotionally. Nobody deserves to be put through the wringer the way you have been. I want to ask if you have a bottom line. How far are you willing to allow yourself to be pushed before you say enough? Your husband may have family of origin issues. He may have abandonment issues. His issues may have issues and all the issues may be real and legitimate. He may or he may not be able to resolve those issues, however much he may truly want to. But at some point you have to decide to care more about your own mental health and emotional health and more about your own self worth than you care about him or the marriage. I'm not taking a shot at you for choosing to try again. I hope I'm not coming off that way. I get it. You love him and you want/hope that he can be emotionally healthy. I just hope you have a bottom line here. A well defined consciously thought out bottom line that will let you know you need to stop saving him and the marriage and save yourself instead. I really wish you the best 1
seren Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 LD, only just read your post so am late to responding. I wish with all that I have that you find peace and contentment. I am so very sorry to hear just how desperate you felt and hope that right now you are in a better place emotionally, mentally and are finding your feet. Infidelity is crap, I seriously don't think people understand how devastating it can be and how powerless it can make people feel. I hope it continues to go well, keep getting IRL support and get strong. Take very good care seren xx
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