MrCastle Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I made this thread because I have grown tired of the mumblings and goings on of the dating forum. I know this will fall on mostly deaf ears, but I have to make it anyway. It feels like 95% of the dating threads are physically based. As in: "I can't get a date because I have x body type" "I can't get a date because I'm x height" "I can't get a date because I'm x race" Then there are people who come in and reinforce those negative body images. "Yeah, if you are x height, that's probably why" "Yeah, I prefer to date x race so yes you will struggle" Surely I am not the only person who has seen all ethnicities, all body types, from flat chested women to hourglass figures, skinny guys to fat guys and everything in between, from bald to a full head of hair, from short to tall people land dates. Land long term partners. Fall in love. That's because those people have accepted who they are. There are few things you can do to improve your physical outside of working out to make sure you are in the best physical shape you can be in, and cosmetic surgery, although I am against cosmetic surgery. You cannot change your ethnicity, or your height, or your body type (to a degree) What you can do is accept who you are and believe that we are all people. That if we work on our personality, develop good character, and believe in ourselves, we can achieve anything we want in life, not just in terms of dating. Stop limiting yourself by using your physical appearance as an excuse. Be happy with who you are, accept yourself. Being comfortable in your skin is the first step to improving your dating life. I've met successful people from all physical types, they all had one thing in common--they accepted themselves. The ones who have been unsuccessful, whether they were unattractive or could pass as a model, have all lacked confidence and acceptance. 26
PJKino Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 To be honest i never gave my height a thought till i came online where it seems to be a tall man shrine and forums throgout the internet seemed to be 95% no i would never date a short man Even the few who might date one say you have to "make up" for your height with other things as if admitting every women sees it as a negative 1
miss_jaclynrae Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Yep yep yep! It's like beating a dead horse though... Saying it doesn't seem to work around here, people tend to turn it back around some way or another. 6
iris219 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 This is probably good advice for men. For women, I don't really think it matters.
tbf Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 To be honest i never gave my height a thought till i came online where it seems to be a tall man shrine and forums throgout the internet seemed to be 95% no i would never date a short manOnline is a strange place since it draws like so it can work like an insecurity amplifier of daisy chain behaviour. Even the few who might date one say you have to "make up" for your height with other things as if admitting every women sees it as a negativeStop and think about this. This is exactly what Castle is talking about. Acceptance rather than resignation. If you're below average height, it's not a strength in the dating arena, just like it's not a strength to be a woman who's 6'2". But it can either be detrimental or neutral, reliant on acceptance or resignation of perception, where instead, you play to your strengths. 7
todreaminblue Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 i like your thread hesitant to write in it in case i kill it that would be upsetting....... this i sgoign to sound whack but i think havign compassion from others is an aphrodisiac, two fold....one you look deeper than aesthetics and two the person you are being compassionate with feels warm and like they have a friend who gets them, feelings grow from there........i develop deep feelings stemming from witnessing a compassionate soul, feelings that are constant and once they hit me i cant ignore them....i have found guys develop feelings for me.......for the same reason..because i have compassion....... i think people who are compassionate loving and giving...shine brighter........they attract like souls but also people who take advantage of a generous heart....thats th edown side....there is always a down side to everything i think if you look for good in people.....they see the good in you...its prgressive and an eternal principle.....lasts beyond the wrinkles, the weight, the height, the culture, the race the age......its an idealistic way to look at love.....but....one that holds true.......thanks for posting this thread castle, made me all dreamy after the thread that made me sad....feel better now.....wrote something positive....hugs....deb 4
ThaWholigan Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Online is a strange place since it draws like so it can work like an insecurity amplifier of daisy chain behaviour. Stop and think about this. This is exactly what Castle is talking about. Acceptance rather than resignation. If you're below average height, it's not a strength in the dating arena, just like it's not a strength to be a woman who's 6'2". But it can either be detrimental or neutral, reliant on acceptance or resignation of perception, where instead, you play to your strengths. I remember during my most insecure years I was studying my natal chart properly for the first time and reading my aspects and placements. I was deeply upset at what I considered to be bad placements and resigned to my fate before I even really truly analyzed them and whether they were even detrimental or not. It was at the point where I started to touch upon the idea of acceptance. Since then, I haven't completely managed to deal with all my insecurities, but I'm far more accepting of myself than I ever was now. I also learned that any thing that I have that could be detrimental could eventually contribute to a strength or an advantage in a related area. I can't turn all my weaknesses into strengths, but I don't need to. I accept things as they are - ironically that's the only time you can change things . 4
Author MrCastle Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Understand what people say online and how they react in real life is different. When a friend shows up to a bar with his new girlfriend and she's flat on both ends, when they leave, me and my other friends don't look at each other and say "Whoa, what's up with John? He's dating that chick? She's so...flat.." Just like when I'm in the dating world, women don't say "I don't know. You're...kind of short?" We just live our lives. You're attracted to who you're attracted to and that's it. Talk of physical stuff never happens. I'm a 25 year old college boy and my friends and I don't talk negatively about body types at all. We don't secretly diss heavy girls, or flat girls, or any of that. Yes we'll gush about nice asses but we don't negatively talk about girls who aren't as curvy. We just don't care. 4
chex Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 (edited) This is probably good advice for men. For women, I don't really think it matters. A woman constantly saying "I'm so fattttt ... " in that whiny sort of way, will NOT land a boyfriend with a quality personality. The guy'll be turned off by her insecurity; they'll have a shocking lack of fun together, she's probably possessive as hell which is an almost universal turn-off. Not to mention immature, validation-seeking. Edited April 11, 2013 by chex 2
Author MrCastle Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 A woman constantly saying "I'm so fattttt ... " in that whiny sort of way, will NOT land a boyfriend with a quality personality. The guy'll be turned off by her insecurity; they'll have a shocking lack of fun together, she's probably possessive as hell which is an almost universal turn-off. Not to mention immature, validation-seeking. Truth. I have dated such women. Beautiful women too, but extremely insecure and self conscious. They'd always say "Why are you with me. You can do so much better." Or it's like that overly attached girlfriend meme "I was going through your texts, who is "mom"? I don't care how hot you are. If you act like that, no sale. 2
candie13 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I'm fine with myself, I like myself, I can even have a great time by myself, and luckily for my dates, I am also sociable, the more, the merrier, ! My issue is that I've been in relationships for 10 years, so before my current bf, during the last 2 years of dating around, I've realized I started to miss that. I thought long about it, and understood that I could sense when a guy was around only for a good time and that bothered me. So, I sort of weed those out. I'm 32, had 2 years of celibacy that I really enjoyed and yeah...I guess I am not interested in FWB or dating around, aimlessly, anymore, so I stopped . In my case, key to successful dating, is being true to yourself and to what you truly are searching for. Not ready for exclusivity? Say so and don't settle. Not ready for a relationship? Idem. Fair to you and those around you. 2
Fondue Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 That may bet he first key to dating, but I think this is definitely the second: I have found success in dating only arises when you make an opportunity for it to do so. This being, EXPOSE yourself. Ever watch that movie Yes Man? Do that. I adopted this idea a little while back, and you have no idea how many people you start to meet. Don't think, "it'll be boring," or "I won't like it,' or "I'm not gonna fit in," etc. Just go. ****ing do it. You just meet people because it happens. It's unavoidable. Some artistic event? Some music show? Some theater production? Party? Club? Particular bar? Skydiving? Beach? Go! If someone mentions an idea, don't mull over it. Do it. I've done some things recently that I would have NEVER imagined participating in my life. Hell, I went to see Vagina Monologues the other day. Guess what? Made some new (female) friends. Immerse yourself, and you will meet people. Some people are women (or, at least lead to women). You will find a woman. 5
Ruby Slippers Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 This is probably good advice for men. For women, I don't really think it matters. I beg to differ. My ex and I just got back together. One of my biggest struggles with him last time is that I worried I wasn't pretty enough for him. He's very good-looking and could easily get someone hotter. Not long before I broke up with him, he invited me to his company's holiday party. He manages a lot of people and they naturally look to him as a leader, so I knew we were going to be the focus of quite a bit of attention. As his date, the way I look is a reflection on him. And he's only going to become higher-profile and more visible in his career in time. Do I have what it takes to stand up there confidently with such a smart, successful, gorgeous guy? I'm not saying I'll never feel worried or insecure again - but this time around, I'm much more relaxed, just being myself. He came back and has been telling me every day exactly why. Right now, it feels destined to work out and be a wonderful relationship. But I'm going to have to continue to accept myself and be secure in my own skin for that to happen. I'll do my best 6
MissIndependant Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I love this thread and couldn't agree more! That is all 1
Author MrCastle Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 I love this thread and couldn't agree more! That is all Well thanks 1
mesmerized Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I think it matters for women too. The issue I have with some people on this forum is that they seem to see attraction in shades of only black and white, a trait is either attractive to all or attractive to none. And there's always an excuse when people say otherwise. People do need to learn to accept themselves, and the things that they cannot change, and know what they can change (should they want to). Otherwise, how can anyone else accept them? It does matter for women for sure but not nearly as much as it does for men. An unattractive woman is still going to struggle a lot to find a quality partner, no matter how much confidence she has. 2
Author MrCastle Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 what if a girl weighs 250 lbs or a guy weighs 350 lbs, and they accept it? are they dateable? I said in my initial post the best you can hope for is to change what you can, and that includes being in the best physical shape you can be in. Overweight people have a choice to lose weight. 1
chex Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 what if a girl weighs 250 lbs or a guy weighs 350 lbs, and they accept it? are they dateable? You can change your weight, without hella expensive procedures or huge risks. If they passed someone's looks parameters, then yes, they'd probably be dateable. 1
Author MrCastle Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 It does matter for women for sure but not nearly as much as it does for men. An unattractive woman is still going to struggle a lot to find a quality partner, no matter how much confidence she has. Here's my question then. Why are a large amount of dating threads made by guys complaining they are too short, too skinny, or too ethnic to find that hot babe. Why are there very few women complaining about being flat, or having a big nose, or being overweight, etc. 2
mesmerized Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) Here's my question then. Why are a large amount of dating threads made by guys complaining they are too short, too skinny, or too ethnic to find that hot babe. Why are there very few women complaining about being flat, or having a big nose, or being overweight, etc. Have you seen the female hotties on this forum?? they all seem to have big boobs and perfect bodies. Actually, there are things about my appearance that I think hold me back in dating. I just don't feel the need to make a thread here about them because I already know what the typical posters here are going to say. I have asked a few of my favorite posters who I trust and respect and that's enough for me. Perhaps we are just less whiny in public and smarter in how we handle our issues. Oh and haven't you not seen all these threads by women about how men will finally choose a better looking woman over them? That alone means insecurity about their looks. They don't need to make a thread about their specific body parts like a few men do. Edited April 12, 2013 by mesmerized 4
Author MrCastle Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Have you seen the female hotties on this forum?? they all seem to have big boobs and perfect bodies. [/Quote] Mehh who cares about boobs. Actually, there are things about my appearance that I think hold me back in dating. [/Quote] Not according to Wholigan I just don't feel the need to make a thread here about them because I already know what the typical posters here are going to say.[/Quote] That you're beautiful? That's what Wholigan says I have asked a few of my favorite posters who I trust and respect and that's enough for me. Perhaps we are just less whiny in public and smarter in how we handle our issues. This forum is good for getting your thoughts out, in my opinion. If there really are things about yourself you have issues with, here is a good place to let em out
Imajerk17 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 To be honest i never gave my height a thought till i came online where it seems to be a tall man shrine and forums throgout the internet seemed to be 95% no i would never date a short man Even the few who might date one say you have to "make up" for your height with other things as if admitting every women sees it as a negative There is a woman whom I am casual friends with who has in her OLD profile that she wants a guy who is at least 5'11" (I stumbled onto it by accident). She is currently dating a guy who is 5'5". 1
chex Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 It does matter for women for sure but not nearly as much as it does for men. An unattractive woman is still going to struggle a lot to find a quality partner, no matter how much confidence she has. The thing is that confidence actually helps attractiveness quite a bit. I mean, it's not gonna cover up major stuff like being 250 pounds, but simply your body language, the way you're standing, the way you talk, where you look while you talk, how you move, it all effects your attractiveness.
todreaminblue Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Here's my question then. Why are a large amount of dating threads made by guys complaining they are too short, too skinny, or too ethnic to find that hot babe. Why are there very few women complaining about being flat, or having a big nose, or being overweight, etc. speaking from an overweight woman's perspective....who do i have to blame for my weight....what do i have to complain about....why should i complain to people who dont care.....the only concern i have about my weight at the moment is it doesnt allow me to achieve my own goals...which is to be healthy as i can be ...as fit as i can be....and the only person who can do anything about that is me....and i am .....and its freaking not easy.....but ill get there...i have nothing to complain about in the mean time......deb 2
chex Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 There is a woman whom I am casual friends with who has in her OLD profile that she wants a guy who is at least 5'11" (I stumbled onto it by accident). She is currently dating a guy who is 5'5". Girls have so many personal exceptions to their "rules" .. for example, my girlfriend says she only likes older guys. BUT WAIT I'm younger than her. It's pretty funny because she even said this after she started dating me, and I got really confused. Then I decided "whatever, at the end of the day, I'm the one she's screwing."
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