b52srock Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Well, made it through the anniversary. Good thing I started a new job that day or I would have been utterly miserable. As it was, I had my day of sobbing uncontrollably on Sunday rather than the actual anniversary on Monday. Would have been 18 years. So, now that I've made the decision in my mind to actually have papers drawn up for a legal separation (rather than this informal sh*t of the past six months) I'm in a bit of a quandry. Husband has a conference here in town this coming weekend (fire convention). Our best friend's birthday is on Saturday. I've already been invited to out with our friends for the birthday celebration, but I know I'm going to run in to the husband at some point during the evening. Inevitable. Am I horrible to be thinking about making him jealous by dancing with other firemen that I know are going to be there? I've already decided to watch the alcohol intake that night because this gossipy little town doesn't need much to turn a mole-hill into a mountain. But I have decided I'm not going to sit at home alone. Been doing that for the past six months, and the counsellor said that had to stop. Thoughts? Suggestions? Advice?
ready2moveon26 Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 As corny or cheesy as this may sound, welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy. I am in the same boat. My husband and I have messed around getting anything legally done for the last 6 months as well and we talked tonight, well I talked...he yelled, and I've got him to start thinking about getting me his half of the money to make ours final. I am SO ready to be done with him. The best thing that came out of our marriage was our daughter. Good luck!
Author b52srock Posted September 16, 2004 Author Posted September 16, 2004 Thanks! And Wow, at least you talk and he yells. Around here its nearly utter silence. We tried counselling. He quit going after two sessions (I don't think he liked what he was hearing). He shows up occasionally on the weekends to see the kids, but if they aren't around he high-tails it out before I can suggest any kind of discussion about our situation. He's on the road a lot with his job, but can't seem to find the time to call his kids either, yet says they're the most important thing to him and he doesn't want to be a weekend father. He can't give me a reason for moving out other than "not feeling loved". Guess the love notes in his gym bag or the Broncos tickets (for family time) or the suggestions of romantic weekends away weren't enough. I finally gave him an ultimatum, an ending date for all this, Sept. 13th, our anniversary. He managed to show up on the 12th, sat around reading the paper (kids weren't home), waiting to see if he could use the washer and dryer! I finally told him that "18 years ago this was one of the happiest days of my life. Have a terrific day." Slammed the lid on the washing machine shut and walked back to the living room. He didn't even bother to come out of the utility room to confront me about it. Just walked out the back door. THAT ticked me off worse than if we had fought. Guess it was kind of the last straw. Getting his laundry done for the coming week was more important than our relationship. Wish I knew why he's running so hard and so fast away from all of this. He's always been a man that confronts things head on, but now...its just strange.
Butchey Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Hi b52srocks, I just read most of your previous posts and I wish you alot of luck. I went through something similar years ago with my ex. I was the one not talking. What I found out about myself was that I was in denial. My ex cheated on me and I had a big hand in the dowfall of our marriage. I think your husband is in denial over something, maybe infidelity, I don't know. You should keep seeing a councilor by yourself. Your life is changing for the better. Keep moving and whatever he does don't let it affect you. Don't lower yourself to make him jealous either. Go have a good time and let the party be a source of enjoyment not retaliation. You want to move forward not backward.
Author b52srock Posted September 19, 2004 Author Posted September 19, 2004 The counsellor has basically said she doesn't have any reason to see me again. As a matter of fact, she said it had been so long that she was sure we had worked things out without her. She feels he needs many more sessions with her to work some things out, but in the meantime, she doesn't want to see me anymore. To be honest, the only good thing I got out of seeing her was being able to tell someone everything, finally, that had been going on for years. You see, we have all mutual friends, and I don't think its fair to put them in the position of feeling like they have to choose sides, so consequently I haven't told any of them even half of what has been building for years. I feel in my heart that he's hiding things, probably lots of things, but I was willing to look past those if he was willing to come home, make some changes, and really, truly try to make things work. So far, he's made promise after promise "I'll go see the counsellor", "I'll come over and watch the marriage tapes", etc, etc, etc. None of it has happened. So now, tonight, I'm going to stop hiding in the house, locking myself away from the world. I'm going to dress up, and I'm going to enjoy the evening with friends. If he happens to turn up, so be it. I'm not going to let him control whether or not I'm having fun.
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