loredo21 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 For those that have experienced False R or that experienced successful R what are the signs that it is one or the other. I have already hurt H enough and wonder if I am cut of for R after all. He deserves better. I love our family unit, but am not sure that is enough for me. What are the signs that I need to move on or signs that I have what it takes? Perhaps it is as simple as "if you have to ask, you already know"....but I am all over the place. I ask in all respect and would appreciate the same in return. I DO NOT want to be this person who thinks False R is ok. It is not by any means ok to me. I am struggling here and would like some input. What can I do to move things in the right direction? Many thanks!
Spark1111 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Two questions... Do You love him? And, Do you appreciate what a wonderful gift he has bestowed upon you in renconciliation? Oh, and one more.... Do you have the courage to heal his pain, whatever it takes, while working on yourself to truly understand WHY you would choose something as self-destructive as an affair? Whether you continue to reconcile or not, that last question is the most important. If you do not have the courage to introspect, go to counseling and find your particular WHY, you will continue to flit from one relationship to another. What are you afraid of, Loredo? 3
Author loredo21 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Yes to the 1st 2. I am not sure I have the courage for anything honestly... I am taking the steps to figure out why I am the way I am and what in my life has led me to screw up almost every adult relationship I have ever had. I am very low on the self-worth self-esteem scale. Though I should think I am quite awesome, i don't. I always find a way to sabotage everything in my life and the A was bottom for me. I am in IC and have been for a while now. It is MC that I am avoiding. I am probably afraid to rehash things.
Decorative Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 The nerd in me needs to point out that a false recovery is when the betrayed spouse thinks the affair is over, but it continues. What this sounds like to me is that you have not decided whether or not reconciliation is the right choice for you. Without continued cheating. That's different. And I think you need to face your fears and go to marital counseling. And ask the hard questions. And have to answer them. I think the only way out of this is through it. You're much stronger than you think. And you deserve a happy life. You do. And so does your spouse- with or without you. 9
Spark1111 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Yes to the 1st 2. I am not sure I have the courage for anything honestly... I am taking the steps to figure out why I am the way I am and what in my life has led me to screw up almost every adult relationship I have ever had. I am very low on the self-worth self-esteem scale. Though I should think I am quite awesome, i don't. I always find a way to sabotage everything in my life and the A was bottom for me. I am in IC and have been for a while now. It is MC that I am avoiding. I am probably afraid to rehash things. You absolutely can be awesome from this day forward! You need to do that for yourself, your H, and most definitely your children as you will be their only mother for the rest of their life and will have a PROFOUND effect on them. Conflict avoidance, low self-esteem, and poor communications have lead you to this point in your life. DO NOT ALLOW those same traits to force you to walk away from something or someone that is really, really fine. Do NOT sabotage the good. Start reading and learning and educating yourself. It's TIME to start SLAYING SOME DRAGONS. And it's time to start believing that no matter WHAT it takes, you will FIND the courage to be a better you, first and foremost, for yourself. 3
Artie Lang Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 i read your thread on the "other" side also just to get a better idea. you really need to tell your husband your true feelings. if I'm correct, you recently posted a thread titled "what you miss most." it seems to me that you're still piningfor this OM. you're not "all in" because you haven't properly addressed your affair. furthermore, your husband seems to he type of BS that rugsweeps and avoids all conflict/confrontation..... he's a conflict avoider. not good when trying to reconcile. you refuse to do any of the heavy-lifting involved when that is solely on you to try. i feel that you don't try because you really don't want this marriage. you're only there to keep the facade of a happy family. 2
Author loredo21 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 ahhh i thought I may be confused of the definition of False R. No there is no continuing affair. Been NC for 9months now. No chance of that ever changing. And I am fine with that. I have no interest. It has nothing to do with exMOM. Yes I did have a post about What you miss the most. It was because I saw XMOM and it freaked the hell out of me. I had a reaction, and that reaction was to come here and write down what I missed about the A. I don't know why or what that was to accomplish, but it was supposed to be therapeutic and probably a stupid idea. Over it. My issue now is trying to do the work to make this R work and make my M everything I want it to be. Thank you all for the support and encouragement! I love the "time to slay some dragons" quote!! It makes me feel powerful! I am going to make a MC appoint asap. And definitely talk to H about my feelings. I have thus far and will try to keep that open line of communication. sadly, even if it hurts. 1
Artie Lang Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 it wasn't a "stupid" idea to bring it up or even post it..... its what you felt. i responded to it by telling you these feelings should be held for your husband. i got a snarky reply, but whatever. what i tried to convey was that you should share these feelings with your husband- i mean EVERYTHING. your husband seems to have a passive approach to this. you're correct in thinking that he should be more "aggressive" in his stance to your infidelity. he seems content with the status quo, while you're sinking. this is not helping your reconciliation. furthermore, you might still love your husband, but that doesn't automatically mean you still want the marriage. 2
BetrayedH Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I hate to sound like a therapist here but if you had to say, what do you think you're afraid of? What are your biggest fears? Once you know them, I suggest you tackle them head-on. You will typically find that it's not as scary as everything you made it out to be. MC is a great place to do this because it's relatively safe. The third party in the room has a tendency to keep discussions reasonable and moderated. If MC is one of the things you fear, I suggest you follow-up with making that appointment. Get it past you. Then, as Spark would say, slay the next dragon.
Act Two Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I feel ya with this one. It's tricky when you are trying to separate out ending infidelity and fixing yourself there, and knowing if your marriage is cooked even without that. For me, I've been in consistent IC for about a year and it's somewhat frustrating to me that I haven't made more progress in figuring WHY I chose a path that went against all of my values and who I say I am as a person. Spark is right on in that you have to figure that out for yourself regardless of whether your marriage works or not. It's a lot of work to dig deep and find answers to the questions about how you chose to cheat despite the destructive consequences. It really has to go deeper than any issues in the marriage and has to be about shining the light on the issues at play in your own mind and heart. Maybe you should really focus hard on that first and just fixing yourself, and in finding answers to WHY you cheated and where things broke down in yourself, you will find you are a whole person again and better able to make decisions about the marriage. 4
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