meat department Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hi I am new here and this is my story: I met a guy online 7 months ago and we agreed to have casual sex once a week and that is what we did. It was not an affair, just a sexual relationship (a really good one). I found out this week that he is married, apparently happily (well the spouse is happy). I have tried texting and email him but he won't respond. I am in the middle of a divorce from someone who cheated on me so I am concerned that this could hurt my divorce. I am also shocked that someone could have sex with me for 7 months and have a secret wife. My question is this: What do I do? I am at a loss and I can't really ask to many friends because admitting this is embarrassing.
Journee Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I believe that everyone deserves to know the truth about their own life. Deserve to know who it really is they share a life with. It is an affair. Sex outside of a "committed" relationship is most certainly an affair. I hope that you are not wanting to continue this with the married person. As his wife is not the secret, you are. I do not have any legal advice to offer but in my opinion, the betrayed wife deserves to know. For her health and sanity. Everyone involved needs to be tested for STDs. Chances are this is not new to him. Good luck 4
Author meat department Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks. I have no interest in continuing this. I got tested yesterday. I just am not sure I am willing to tell since I am in the middle of a divorce. I just feel bad for her, she seems nice.
Author meat department Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I do live in a fault state so I will wait till after my divorce is final. I have no idea how to tell her. Thanks for the response.
underwater2010 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hi I am new here and this is my story: I met a guy online 7 months ago and we agreed to have casual sex once a week and that is what we did. It was not an affair, just a sexual relationship (a really good one). I found out this week that he is married, apparently happily (well the spouse is happy). I have tried texting and email him but he won't respond. I am in the middle of a divorce from someone who cheated on me so I am concerned that this could hurt my divorce. I am also shocked that someone could have sex with me for 7 months and have a secret wife. My question is this: What do I do? I am at a loss and I can't really ask to many friends because admitting this is embarrassing. Yes....you need to tell her. I am sorry that he lied to you.
Realist3 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hi I am new here and this is my story: I met a guy online 7 months ago and we agreed to have casual sex once a week and that is what we did. It was not an affair, just a sexual relationship (a really good one). I found out this week that he is married, apparently happily (well the spouse is happy). I have tried texting and email him but he won't respond. I am in the middle of a divorce from someone who cheated on me so I am concerned that this could hurt my divorce. I am also shocked that someone could have sex with me for 7 months and have a secret wife. My question is this: What do I do? I am at a loss and I can't really ask to many friends because admitting this is embarrassing. I'm a little confused here. You said it wasn't an affair, but you want to tell the BS? Seems like you met up with a good liar. Why not just be done with him if it was just casual sex?
Author meat department Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I am confused too. It was casual but I found this forum and I read all these posts about how if you have slept with a married person you should tell. So I figured I would ask for opinions from people.
Author meat department Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Wow thanks for that life tip. I would have never thought of that without you bringing it to my attention. This is not something I normally do but please judge harder. 3
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) If you are in a fault state then it is probably wise for your divorce to process. But yes, telling the betrayed wife is considered the right thing to do by most people here. The exceptions are almost always wayward spouses themselves (or "other" men/women). Overwhelmingly, betrayed spouses want to know, even though it pains us to hear. The BW deserves an opportunity to make an informed decision about her life and you may be the only reasonable opportunity for her to know. She needs to be tested for STDs and make decisions about the rest of her life; it's the only one she gets, you know? How do you do it? I recommend asking for a face-to-face meeting. Tell her it's about her husband, pick a public place and ask her to meet you. Be sure to bring whatever evidence you have. The married man will lie, deny, minimize, and then lie some more. But the betrayed wife tends to believe her husband over a stranger so you need to bring copies of text messages, and whatever else you might have. Whatever you do, don't minimize the truth to try to "spare her feelings." Just be honest, apologetic, and explain that you just didn't know. It's the right thing to do; it's just difficult. Edited April 12, 2013 by BetrayedH 1
Author meat department Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Betrayed H thanks for the thoughtful words. I don't know her at all but I do agree she needs to know.
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Good luck with your divorce. Doesn't sound like fun but not many of the stories around here are. I've found that making as many ethically sound decisions as possible at least helps you trudge through with your self-esteem intact. While you may not know her and thus, didn't actively decide to take part in her betrayal, it's just common decency to help her remove the knife from her back. At least give her some truth and then conventional wisdom says that you can walk away from it. You may not be the most popular person with her initially (and odds are that they will initially try to reconcile) but most come around to having some gratitude for the truth. 2
Author meat department Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Yes! My spouse cheated (maybe) with men he met on CL, I found the email trail and just left so I had no moment of being told. I do thank you for not making me feel even worse. All I can think about is the poor wife and how happy she seems on social media (yes I should have checked 7 months ago but I didn't)
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Yes! My spouse cheated (maybe) with men he met on CL, I found the email trail and just left so I had no moment of being told. I do thank you for not making me feel even worse. All I can think about is the poor wife and how happy she seems on social media (yes I should have checked 7 months ago but I didn't) I don't think many of us do background check on those we date. Perhaps we should. I can relate to your story a bit. After my wife's affair, my ego was in the toilet and I was starved for external validation. I just wanted to feel desired and had my own brief affair. It was way out of character for me and didn't take long to regret (it was a trainwreck, actually). At least in your case, you had moved on from your primary relationship. Unfortunate for you that you've gone from one crappy relationship situation into another.
Author meat department Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Yes! I just wanted some external validation that I didn't drive my husband to men (and with time I realize exactly how silly that sounds) so I signed up for a dating site looking for that validation. I went out with this guy a few times and he seemed legit. Looking back over the last 7 months I have a dream schedule for cheating, very flexible work schedule. I wasn't clingy, didn't text unless I wanted to "see" him. Even though it was casual we did agree to be exlusive (hindsight I know he wasn't) and so I honestly am just shocked that I am in this situation. I don't want to continue on but I do want answers. I know that I won't get them but that is the hardest part. For some strange reason I want him to explain himself, I think that you don't get to have sex with me twice a week for 7 months and not explain yourself but I could be wrong because I have never been in this situation. As for his poor wife, I have to tell her and they might have an open marriage but I seriously doubt that. Now I have rambled. Forums are fun!
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Yes! I just wanted some external validation that I didn't drive my husband to men (and with time I realize exactly how silly that sounds) so I signed up for a dating site looking for that validation. I went out with this guy a few times and he seemed legit. Looking back over the last 7 months I have a dream schedule for cheating, very flexible work schedule. I wasn't clingy, didn't text unless I wanted to "see" him. Even though it was casual we did agree to be exlusive (hindsight I know he wasn't) and so I honestly am just shocked that I am in this situation. I don't want to continue on but I do want answers. I know that I won't get them but that is the hardest part. For some strange reason I want him to explain himself, I think that you don't get to have sex with me twice a week for 7 months and not explain yourself but I could be wrong because I have never been in this situation. As for his poor wife, I have to tell her and they might have an open marriage but I seriously doubt that. Now I have rambled. Forums are fun! Try not to beat yourself up too badly. Infidelity deals a massive blow. We all want to feel desired and desirable. Infidelity makes us feel rejected big time. You went outside your normal bounds to recover and paid a hefty price. I suspect you learned the hard way. I think what eventually helped me most was the realization that my wife's cheating had little to do with me. It was something broken within her. She violated her own standards. That isn't about me. And your husband's issues weren't about you. As for closure, I'm afraid few of us get it from our exes. The vast majority of the time, it has to come from within. I know I will never get an explanation from my exwife about what the hell happened or why. They are almost always conflict-avoiders and compartmentalize their actions so much that they don't understand them and can't/won't explain them. Again, they are broken in a way and so relying on them to be able to move yourself forward is a fruitless undertaking. As with any form of grief process, acceptance is the last and toughest stage. Just my $.02
Recommended Posts