mojo71 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I want to start by saying thanks for taking the time to read my post. I need some advice on a situation that is threatening to destroy a 5 year relationship. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years. Im 41 and she is 45. We both are divorced with kids. I've been married once and she has been married twice. She has a job where its easy for her to look at peoples bank accounts. Recently she came to me and told me she was snooping around looking at her 1st ex's girlfriends bank account info. Her first husband cheated on her and left her for this woman. Why would she care to snoop around this womans bank records after the divorce has been final for over 6 years??? Not only did she snoop around the mistress's account, she also snooped around her 2nd ex husbands account. Why? I told her I disagreed with what she did and she got very angry with me. Is this wrong? Why would someone want to relive the pain from past relationships? I tried to explain to her that Im not stalking my ex's boyfriend or the man my ex cheated with. So why would she do something like that. She went on to say it had to do with wanting to know if the 1st ex's girlfriend (the mistress) is paying rent to the 1st ex so she can see if it clarifies his claims of being broke all the time. Im confused. Thanks for any advice on this matter.
TigerCub Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I want to start by saying thanks for taking the time to read my post. I need some advice on a situation that is threatening to destroy a 5 year relationship. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 5 years. Im 41 and she is 45. We both are divorced with kids. I've been married once and she has been married twice. She has a job where its easy for her to look at peoples bank accounts. Recently she came to me and told me she was snooping around looking at her 1st ex's girlfriends bank account info. Her first husband cheated on her and left her for this woman. Why would she care to snoop around this womans bank records after the divorce has been final for over 6 years??? Not only did she snoop around the mistress's account, she also snooped around her 2nd ex husbands account. Why? I told her I disagreed with what she did and she got very angry with me. Is this wrong? Why would someone want to relive the pain from past relationships? I tried to explain to her that Im not stalking my ex's boyfriend or the man my ex cheated with. So why would she do something like that. She went on to say it had to do with wanting to know if the 1st ex's girlfriend (the mistress) is paying rent to the 1st ex so she can see if it clarifies his claims of being broke all the time. Im confused. Thanks for any advice on this matter. So does the 1st ex owe her child support payments and he's using the broke excuse or something? Even if he was, even if his ex was paying him rent - it wouldn't change anything. I dunno, what she's doing is legally wrong because she's using her position to gain personal information about other people - that's wrong. Her weird interest in her exs is concerning and I wouldn't like it. How long have you been together? How long after her 2nd divorce did you get together? I think her interest in her 1'st ex's gf is somewhat understandable because that was the woman he left her for - BUT after a 2nd marriage and now her relationship with you I would think that she should have moved on by now, yeah I dunno, what she's doing is concerning and weird, and most likely illegal. What are your options though? She will most likely still do it and just not tell you about it from now on. Is it something that you really see as a reason to break up? 1
Author mojo71 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 He doesn't owe her anything. He has paid CS all along. He has made it difficult sometimes but overall he's done what he should do. We have been together for almost five years. The first ex and her have never gotten along and caused a lot of conflict between us. He even took me to court! I helped her secretly move out of the 2nd ex's house while they were still married and we started dating soon after. I know..not a wise move. My only options are to accept it and let it go or break up I guess.
TigerCub Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 He doesn't owe her anything. He has paid CS all along. He has made it difficult sometimes but overall he's done what he should do. We have been together for almost five years. The first ex and her have never gotten along and caused a lot of conflict between us. He even took me to court! I helped her secretly move out of the 2nd ex's house while they were still married and we started dating soon after. I know..not a wise move. My only options are to accept it and let it go or break up I guess. Sorry you did mention in the OP that you dated her for 5 years, guess I had forgotten Yeah if the ex doesn't even owe her payments, there should be no reason for her to go snooping into his financial info. Maybe she really never got over what he did to her. That doesn't mean that she's not committed to you, it just means that she's always going to be curious about him and his gf. What she's doing is morally wrong, but I don't think she will stop. I guess yeah you just have to decide if you'll accept it or break up with her. How are things in your relationship otherwise?
Author mojo71 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 The relationship is dysfunctional. I feel I have to make all the changes and she doesn't do crap. Everything is always my fault because during this stressful relationship I was clinically diagnosed bi polar. She uses that against me anytime something goes south. She bathes her 12 year old son, he sleeps with her when he has nightmares..hes a fu@#ing baby. She has ruematoid arthritis and waits on her kids hand and foot. She em,pties the garbage she does everything while they play video games. I cant relate to that. My family has told me I have changed before their eyes over the past 5 years. I think I stay with her because Im afraid of being alone. 41 and starting over? Ive been on dating sites before. they suck.
TigerCub Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 The relationship is dysfunctional. I feel I have to make all the changes and she doesn't do crap. Everything is always my fault because during this stressful relationship I was clinically diagnosed bi polar. She uses that against me anytime something goes south. She bathes her 12 year old son, he sleeps with her when he has nightmares..hes a fu@#ing baby. She has ruematoid arthritis and waits on her kids hand and foot. She em,pties the garbage she does everything while they play video games. I cant relate to that. That sounds really creepy. My family has told me I have changed before their eyes over the past 5 years. I think I stay with her because Im afraid of being alone. 41 and starting over? Ive been on dating sites before. they suck. 41 isn't old. I think it would be sad to waste more of your life with someone you don't even want to be with, with someone that makes you feel bad you are bi polar, and blames you for a lot of things. I know all relationships have their challenges, but you don't even seem to want to be there.
Author mojo71 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I don't. Im just afraid of being alone. This is the second longest relationship Ive had.
Emilia Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I think I stay with her because Im afraid of being alone. 41 and starting over? Ive been on dating sites before. they suck. I'm 40 and it was easier in my 20s yes but there are still lots of available people to meet, especially for a man as lots of women in their 30s like men in their 40s. Meetup groups are great for expanding your social circle
Author mojo71 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 How do you go about finding meetup groups?
Emilia Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 How do you go about finding meetup groups? Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup
Author mojo71 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks! Im going to check that out 1
Emilia Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks! Im going to check that out It is great. Any interest you can think of just sign up to a group. I've made lots of friends this way, met some cool guys too
Author mojo71 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 (edited) Should I or do I have the right to share with her that some things she does " with her kids" creep me out? Edited April 11, 2013 by mojo71
foreverandalways Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 bathing her 12 year old son is more creepy to me than her looking into people's bank accounts. I taught my son to shower himself at 6 years old, and I only went in there if he really needs help. He's 8 now, and doesn't need any help at all. Anyway, I would think that "starting over" at 41 is much easier than if you're in your 20's. Of course, I'm not in my 40's yet, so I dont know for sure...but I'm thinking that people are more established in their lives. They've lived and learned, and they have clear expectations of what they are looking for in a relationship and a lifetime bond. Rather than 20 somethings who like to go to bars and clubs looking for random hookups that might end up turning out to a relationship. I got out of my marriage and was seeking a FWB. For the strangest reason we had sex the day we met (completely out of my character at the time). And we've had an instant connection since day 1, and have been together for 9 months so far.
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