Poiulkjh Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 9 years ago I was so wrapped up in deppression/anxiety/gambling addiction/unemployment due to a record/lack of opportunities due to being disconnected from part of my family/friends, plus the fact that my immediate family hated my wife who I had brought to the US from S America with our 2 kids, thought she was a money grabber etc etc. Plus my wife cut me off sexually and emotionally. If I needed some moral support , she would say " Ask God for help"., " Im not here to mother you ". " Im not here to pat your head ". etc etc. She had become a Christian and thought if I did the same thing my life woyuld change. She started to mention this guy who she saw on a proffessional basis. He provided a service, I wont mention which one for discretion reasons. But its a normal everyday service women use. She started talking about him, how wonderful he was, he much she felt sorry for him etc etc cos the the guys wife who couldnt have kids ( they have them now) , how it was unfair for him etc etc. She also was friends with his wife who attended the same church etc. Sometimes the guy was so kind he would provided the service for her at night, often 22.00 or even later. Normally he worked till 21.00 at the latest. She mentioned all the other clients were jelous etc that she got special treatment. I called this dude a gay cos in my gut I felt somthing wasnt right and I started to dislike him. She retorted " Hes not gay, hes 100% hombre". " Hes married" etc etc, me calling him gay seemed to upset her. Was she having an emotional affair??
Bryanp Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Sounds like she was having a physical affair. Physicians do not provide this type of service so late in the evening. The fact that she told you that he is 100% hombre says a great deal. How would she know this if she was not sleeping with him? I am sorry but it sounds like she is playing you for a fool. Good luck.
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 (edited) Sounds like she was having a physical affair. Physicians do not provide this type of service so late in the evening. The fact that she told you that he is 100% hombre says a great deal. How would she know this if she was not sleeping with him? I am sorry but it sounds like she is playing you for a fool. Good luck. Thanks bro for your opinion. I know some would excuse her with all the the baggage I had. Never thought I would use a word like baggage!! The guy wasn't a physician. He did something in the health beauty field and even though I was in a haze at the time I did pass by a few times and his place of business was often open till 21.30 clients and a few employees. The funny thing was why didn't she schedule day time when our 2 young boys were at school? Edited April 11, 2013 by Poiulkjh Added details
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Someting I didnt mention because I had to take a phone call was that this whole thing was re-awakened in my mind by a little event a year ago. I was about to search one of wives cel contacts whilst she was showering because I had lost his number and found that the last contact she had looked out was the GUY in question. I confronted her about it by just asking calmly who ..(guys name)....... is. Her face was very shaken, afraid and something was not right. I have also asked her about it since and she got very pissed and turns ultra cold towards me. Maybe it was just an inncocent friendship and Im tripping.
CarrieT Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 He did something in the health beauty field and even though I was in a haze at the time I did pass by a few times and his place of business was often open till 21.30 clients and a few employees. Let me guess.... the guy is a massage therapist. I'm willing to bet your wife is getting "a happy ending." 2
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 (edited) OK so this doesnt turn into a guessing game of clownish wisecracks !!He was a hairsylist in a salon that often closes at around 21.30 when most of employees leave. Except for him on 15 odd occasions for my wife. Shame I was so foggy to do anything about it and was out of my city, comfort zone etc. Edited April 11, 2013 by Poiulkjh details needed to be added im dyslexic
TaraMaiden Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 So he's a hairdresser - and on 15 different occasions, he was alone "After hours" with your wife..... Oh...Really....?? :rolleyes: Did her hair look wonderful every time?? Ho long has she been seeing him? 1
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 So he's a hairdresser - and on 15 different occasions, he was alone "After hours" with your wife..... Oh...Really....?? :rolleyes: Did her hair look wonderful every time?? Ho long has she been seeing him? 15 times was an exageration. More realistic was about 7 times alone over 1 year and a half or so. Probably not alone at the beginning . The salon in question was an ethic Latin american one and often closed later. The nouberhood was not 100% safe so I doubt the female employees would stay alone. If your not trying to make a chump of me and your actually trying to be helpful but are just a little blunt then thanks.
TaraMaiden Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 You're in denial. Everything about your wife's behaviour is highly suspicious, yet you refuse to consider the fact that she may well be cheating on you, and probably is. You write asking for advice, and when we give it, you try to justify your responses and expand and clarify. The point is, you already suspect your wife, and her behaviour is erratic. You need to open your eyes and maybe do a bit of investigating.....
BetrayedH Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Time to check phone records, financial records, and internet history. Stop confronting her. Play stupid. Go into investigative mode. We can give you other things to check but start with the things I mentioned above. I'm guessing the guy's business is locked up when your wife has her after-hours, special, late-night appointments, right? 2
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 You're in denial. Everything about your wife's behaviour is highly suspicious, yet you refuse to consider the fact that she may well be cheating on you, and probably is. You write asking for advice, and when we give it, you try to justify your responses and expand and clarify. The point is, you already suspect your wife, and her behaviour is erratic. You need to open your eyes and maybe do a bit of investigating..... You are right. Maybe my big ego and being a fairly good looking guy etc gets in my way a litlle. How can this happen to me when girls are giddy for me. I,m very very street smart but when/if all this was happening my mind was so numbed, I was half chump, plus I was living in another city without trusworthy friends etc. But then again many of those ethnic Colombian, Brazilian, Mexican, dominican hair salons often still open till the last client leaves in most big cities. Can be 21.00 to 23.00 depending. But your right investigation is the key. But what if it happened but finished 7 years ago and they only occasionly talk. I'll put somthing on her cel>. Thanks I key logged a year ago, but got nothing
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) You're in denial. Everything about your wife's behaviour is highly suspicious, yet you refuse to consider the fact that she may well be cheating on you, and probably is. You write asking for advice, and when we give it, you try to justify your responses and expand and clarify. The point is, you already suspect your wife, and her behaviour is erratic. You need to open your eyes and maybe do a bit of investigating..... Time to check phone records, financial records, and internet history. Stop confronting her. Play stupid. Go into investigative mode. We can give you other things to check but start with the things I mentioned above. I'm guessing the guy's business is locked up when your wife has her after-hours, special, late-night appointments, right? She was having her hair done there in the past. Over 7 years ago. As far as I know anyway. I did pass it was when she was in and it was half locked up, couldnt go in as had 3 year son with me in car and its not a safe nouhborhood. The salon was owned by the guys wife. New info just done a companies check and found out that another nearby salon she was frequenting up to 2 years ago became partly owned by the guys wife. The dates are pretty close. I even went to that one with her, the guy wasnt working there. He's moved onto to bigger things. Edited April 12, 2013 by Poiulkjh
Bryanp Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 I have to ask. Why do you remain with a wife who has cut you off emotionally and sexually and treats you very poorly and is mean to you as well? Clearly she seems to have no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 I have to ask. Why do you remain with a wife who has cut you off emotionally and sexually and treats you very poorly and is mean to you as well? Clearly she seems to have no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck. Why? her coldness towards me is not constant. there are definitely warm days too. Also I really have had some heavy baggage and she has been on the receiving end of some sh.. from me in one sense and my immediate family . I , in reaction to her coldness became a moody needy weak ******* type and that made her worse. Plus we have 2 kids and i love them and I love her too. Even now I am telling myself that at worse she had a emotional. You think she should of treated me better even with all the **** I gave her , ie gambling and everything that comes with it.
TaraMaiden Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 You guys need your heads knocking together, and some serious Relationships counselling. You have little respect for one another, hardly any trust and your communication skills utterly suck. Those are the three supportive components of a marriage. Trust, Respect, communication. If even one of those is frail and non-functional, the other two alone cannot sustain the relationship. The fact that all three are highly questionable, is really a huge wake-up call. Or should be. because this relationship is fast heading downwards towards the rocks.
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 You guys need your heads knocking together, and some serious Relationships counselling. You have little respect for one another, hardly any trust and your communication skills utterly suck. Those are the three supportive components of a marriage. Trust, Respect, communication. If even one of those is frail and non-functional, the other two alone cannot sustain the relationship. The fact that all three are highly questionable, is really a huge wake-up call. Or should be. because this relationship is fast heading downwards towards the rocks. I think your right . At the beginning you felt sorry for me now your starting to see I'm not or wasn't Mr perfect. One of my wives favourite sayings regarding me is "don't judge a book my its cover". But she ain't perfect either no matter how Saintly she likes to present herself. Am looking at counsiling right now will take your advice . You think 1st session should be just for me or we both go? How much should I say? Thanks again
TaraMaiden Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 You suggest to your wife you both need to go. you say whatever is in your minds and heart. Counselling is not necessarily designed to keep you together, but it is designed to bring out honest, sincere factors you want to discuss and clear the air.
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) You suggest to your wife you both need to go. you say whatever is in your minds and heart. Counselling is not necessarily designed to keep you together, but it is designed to bring out honest, sincere factors you want to discuss and clear the air. OK thanks for the advice. One thing I didnt mention was that we had a pretty bad argument where I accused her of being cold, distant etc etc and of having a lover. She was having her monthly at the time and was tired and stressed with work and the kids and left the house with them. I didnt lay one finger on her I swear but smashed up a TV among other things. Went to a hotel and came back to her wanted a seperation. After several days of explaining I loved her, plus the kids overhearing and begging her not to seperate we reconciled. I had this thing in my mind that the reason for her coldness in the bedroom was an affair. Theings from the past played in my mind. I feel I was like a volcanoe, it was only a matter of when and how. No matter what though I would never get physical with my wife. As I have seen accidents happen. This explosion happened 10 minutes after they had left. . Shes now very loving. The other nite I talked to her about the danger of emotional affairs ( Ive been reading up on this site) she just listened for about 10 minutes but didnt say a word or ask me why I was talking about this. She has always said she hasnt cheated on me but for her that probably means just sex. Also over the last 7 years she has seroisly developed a religiuos fixation. I'm talking 20 bibles and 100 Christian self help books. Has been to 10 different churches in 9 years. Edited April 12, 2013 by Poiulkjh
TaraMaiden Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 First of all, having two threads is really confusing, because the information you're giving us is split between two places, and secondly because to be honest, I can't really figure out what the hell you want from us. I'm still confused about the time line... When and how you had sex, when she was having this connection with this guy, what you did when and why.... I really think it's incoherent and inconsistent. You're all over the place with this, and I for one can't keep up. In a nutshell, tell your wife you want to go to MC and sort your problems of Trust, Respect and Communication with someone who is professionally qualified to help you guys move forward and who can get a handle on exactly what it is you're talking about. Sorry, but flitting between two threads is impossible.
Author Poiulkjh Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 First of all, having two threads is really confusing, because the information you're giving us is split between two places, and secondly because to be honest, I can't really figure out what the hell you want from us. I'm still confused about the time line... When and how you had sex, when she was having this connection with this guy, what you did when and why.... I really think it's incoherent and inconsistent. You're all over the place with this, and I for one can't keep up. In a nutshell, tell your wife you want to go to MC and sort your problems of Trust, Respect and Communication with someone who is professionally qualified to help you guys move forward and who can get a handle on exactly what it is you're talking about. Sorry, but flitting between two threads is impossible. I made 2 posts because its sometimes good to isolate questions, problems etc etc so people can asnwer 1 question directly. 1 question might be completly different and get different answers if isolated. You got the time-frame wrong even though it was clear in the post plus you very well know I am stressed, havnt slept much in last few weeks because of my mom's illness, maritel problems, plus other stuff I havnt mentioned. You may be unemotional and 100% coherant because this isnt your problem and from the number of your posts you seem to be a regular senior poster. I wasnt looking for a bunch of people to jump to conclusions , passive aggressivley refuse to take in details and ptretend not to understand them. Jeez, Im done here.
TaraMaiden Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 It wasn't clear in the post at all - and I'm not the only one to be confused by you. I'm sorry, but posting 2 threads is just confusing FOR US. It may be clear in your mind, but we're not psychic, and you keep adding new information... Look, I hope things work out for you, but you need to de-stress.... Thanks for your input.... 1
Recommended Posts