jmargel Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Socom, Don't base her love or her wantingness to come back if she doesn't come back by this weekend. Don't give her a time-table. Remember, let it upto her. She needs time to think things through. Counseling takes a long time to achieve your goals. We've been going since May and it's still helping us as a couple and as an individuals. Also, please check my link in my signature. It will lead you to a post I made about couples having problems. I also got alot of good feedback. It will give you some ideas on how to help you out. Sounds like you two have communication issues, and also you got too comfortable in being in a relationship with her, to the point where you took her love for granted. That happens alot unfortunetly, usually with the person doing it, totally unaware of what they are doing.
Scott S Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Originally posted by Scott S And again, DO NOT push the return-time issue right now. I know it's difficult & I know I keep saying that. But it is important. She has been needing some space, & when you intrude on it, it's aggravating the situation. Originally posted by jmargel Don't base her love or her wantingness to come back if she doesn't come back by this weekend. Don't give her a time-table. Remember, let it upto her. She needs time to think things through. Counseling takes a long time to achieve your goals. We've been going since May and it's still helping us as a couple and as an individuals. So we do have concurrence here. So you know we are giving sound advice.
Author Socom Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 Yes the advise has been great and i thank all of you for it. As far as the communicatuon issues. YES... We have severe problems there which are being worked on now. And what was said about being to comfortable in the relationship. This is so very true. And again you are right i did not know it until she left. So since then I have promised myself to fix those problems while she is gone. I know it sounds like it is hard to do if she is not there. But, in many ways I had no other choice but to do it like cooking and cleaning. So she has noticed that and knows that I have done it. (we once used a maid service). I think that she is impressed that I took the time and did those things. Although she laughed at me because the kitchen was all messed up. When i say messed up, things are not where I got them from. So in a nut shell it was communication, but the biggest thing was how comfortable I was in the relationship. Again, thanks for all the help from all. I will write back when i get back from counseling.
Author Socom Posted September 24, 2004 Author Posted September 24, 2004 Ohhhh.....Where to start! Well we went to counseling and I think that everything went very well. We got a lot of issues in the open and started how we feel about them. My girl stated that she was coming home btw Sat - Mon. Which I guess is good that she at least has a time line. We talked about the reasons why she is coming back and why she wants to come back. That whole area was fine. The only thing that i do not understand is why the wait. I know I have to be patient. But I feel that I can't prove the things I need to prove to her if she is not home. Anyway, She came to the house for a few hours last night and we had a great time, with her and the kids. We went out to eat as a family and basically had a great time. But then it came time for her to leave. It kills me to watch her walking out the door. It just kills me to think that she is going somewhere other then home. The kids started to cry and stated that they wanted to stay. So i guess the only thing that i can do is wait until Sat, Sun, Or Monday. A question that I have is if she doesn't come home on Monday what should I do??? Should I take a who cares approach?
Scott S Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 I'm glad the session went well. Hope the weekend brings good news for you all. I know the departure was painful. I'm sorry. So i guess the only thing that i can do is wait until Sat, Sun, Or Monday. A question that I have is if she doesn't come home on Monday what should I do??? Should I take a who cares approach? You would just have to wait until she's ready. Like we said before, she wanted the tim & emotional space. When you keep intruding you keep pushing her away. It's like a sore that won't heal because you keep licking at it. I don't know what exactly you mean by a "who cares" approach. If you mean acting discourteous & indifferent, then no don't do that. If you mean not becoming or acting anxious & needy, & giving her the time & space she wants, then yes, do that. Good luck. Hope it goes well.
Author Socom Posted September 24, 2004 Author Posted September 24, 2004 Yes, I know about the intrusion, but it is so damn hard. Esp because when we spend time together it is almost like we were never apart. Little things like kissing and hand holding. I guess I am just being selfish just wanting it all, all the time. We have plans next week for her dtr's birthday which is at our home. So I really think that she will be there by monday. I hope anyway. When we were in counseling they asked if this is really what I (we) want. As I think about it. YES ... it is I have never fought for anything this hard in my entire life. She told me the reasons that she wants to come home is she loves and misses me, the kids are home sick along with her, and esp her son is having a hard time with dealing with it. Because of his school and all of his friends. But the most important thing is that we are woking at this and I remember from a post that you said in the past that it took a while to break and it will take a while to fix. That is so true. I dont wantto believe that but I know that it will be a long and hard road. But what I have also told her is that when she somes home things will be a lot better then it has been in the past few months and she agrees with me. So all the signs that I have are vbery positive. Even her best friend has been in contact with me and has told me the same things that she is telling me. When they were talking ( GF & best friend) she was telling her the story and her best friend told her " if that is the way that you fell you need to go home right now". Now i know that you should only do the things that you want to and not let anyone else's thought affect that. But, she is so different. I know that she was very concerned as to what her friends think. So now that her best friend is supporting her decision to come home that is a very good thing. She called me at 1am today just to talk and that was special to me. She said that she will be over today and never came or called. But, she was feeling sick over the past few days so I think that her sickness is what caused her no contact. I know that I will talk to her today, not sure when but soon.
Kat Posted September 24, 2004 Posted September 24, 2004 It works for some and it doesn't for others. If you already know the answers counselling will only annoy you
Scott S Posted September 25, 2004 Posted September 25, 2004 You're right. It's hard! One of life's paradoxes is how long it takes to build something, but how quickly it can be destroyed, & how long it takes to repair it. The World Trade Center took almost 20 years ot construct, but less than 90 minutes to obliterate. It will take some time to rebuild, & there will be some occasions of backsliding. Be watchful for them, & try not to let it escalate into another separation. I'm glad to read her friends are being supportive & encouraging. At least I hope that's what it is, & not them being pushy about getting back together. Obviously, she would not appreciate feeling like people are ganging up on her. Good luck, have a great weekend!
Author Socom Posted September 26, 2004 Author Posted September 26, 2004 And hard it is!!! Well we talked yesterday (saturday) and we meet for a few hours. She tells me that she will be home no later then Monday. So at this point I am in the really can't wait mode. It sucks!!! But, I have no other choice but to deal with it. I do understand what you mean about watching out for signs. We have been talking and we have agreed to not fight about petty stuff. I know that we can say it but we also have to do it. It will be hard but I think that we can both do it. She told me last night that she was going to call and still has not. It is killing me. But I know that in tim eshe will call. I am sure that she is just busy or something. Man I really cant wait. We have plans for her birthday which is next week and it is going to be so special to her. (and me) waiting...........
jmargel Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 Let us know if she comes home today. Also, read my link in my signature, it'll help you out next time you two are in a disagreement. Continue counseling and when she does come home, be yourself. Don't smother her but don't act distant. Remember to do something together at least once every two days. Such as going for a walk or something little. Also remember to listen to her. I find the easiest way to do that is when you are discussing something and you oppose her views, before talking, put yourself into her shoes and think what you would want if you were her.
Scott S Posted September 27, 2004 Posted September 27, 2004 Originally posted by Socom She told me last night that she was going to call and still has not. It is killing me. But I know that in tim eshe will call. I am sure that she is just busy or something. Man I really cant wait. We have plans for her birthday which is next week and it is going to be so special to her. (and me) waiting........... Yes, in time. In HER time. And if you really do care, you will allow her the time. I know this has seemed like an eternity, but you have only been separated a few weeks. When couples go through a trial separation, they often last several months, that is, 5-6 months, often longer. Then once back together, there is a LENGTHY readjustment period. One can expect a trial separation & the aftermath to occupy at least a year of one's life. Good luck. We're all cheering for the both of you!
Author Socom Posted October 2, 2004 Author Posted October 2, 2004 Hey!!! Sorry It has been a while since I have been on here. She came back on Monday afternoon and we have been busy doing things. 1 problem that we had was my lack of time to her. So now I have given her all my time. She says that it is good but she is going to need some time to adjust. Which is fine. She keeps saying that it feels good to be home. And a few nights ago she grabbed me out of no where and told me that she missed me so much. That was th best thing that I ever heard, because it was so meaningful when she did it. We have just been staring at each other for days. Although it feels wierd and things are not the same as they were in the past. I know that it will get better. I will keep all of you posted as much as I can. And again thank you for all your help.
Scott S Posted October 4, 2004 Posted October 4, 2004 Great! Wonderful to hear. I PM'ed you earlier. Good luck, & remember what we've been telling you!
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