Socom Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Just wondering if counseling works if the people are on a break?? Me and my Girl have been apart for almost 3 weeks at her request. She says that she needs time to think. She left the house which we share and only took some clothes. She has 2 children and they are very confused. We have had a lot of good times and some bad times. I have tried from the minute that she left that i wanted her back and how much i loved her, thus the counseling. I guess the questions that I have is will it work better if we are together or apart. Since the time she left we have talked a lot and spent a lot of time together, which in some ways is good and bad. I just want her back and she tells me that she wants to come back and will soon. What do I do? Keep asking her so that she knows that i am serious? Or left her make the decision? I am just very confused. Any advise will help.
Honesty Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Counseling will work as long as you don't wait too long. If you love each other and are willing to cooperate it should work
Author Socom Posted September 16, 2004 Author Posted September 16, 2004 Like i said we have been apart for 2.5 weeks and the appt is tomorrow. So you know what i can expect? What they will ask?
Scott S Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Like anything else, one's success is a function of one's motivation to succeed. Where someone is committed to making genuine, substantial changes, counseling is very effective, whereas if someone isn't committed, well... The type of counseling depends on the issue the couple and/or individuals are having. Couples counseling is helpful in some cases, if both are willing. The main purpose is to re-open communication, & clear the obstructions that are preventing it. Individual counseling is to make the "counselee" look inward, to find out what make him/her do the things he/she does, & provide the tools to make the requisite changes. You said she wants to come back, & will soon. So let that be. If you continue asking her, it may sound like nagging or badgering, which is a very effective repellant. Show her that you're serious by getting the counseling, let her see the changes in you. That will speak far louder volumes than anything you can say to her.
Author Socom Posted September 16, 2004 Author Posted September 16, 2004 We are getting counseling together. Today actually in about 2 hours. I know that it will work, but the only question that i have is she tells me that she wants to come back and loves me but, she is not back. I love her with all my heart and i dont want to push her away, I just want her to know that how serious I am about this. I miss her so miuch and she tells me that she misses me so much, so WHY isnt she back?
Scott S Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 We are getting counseling together. Today actually in about 2 hours. I know that it will work, but the only question that i have is she tells me that she wants to come back and loves me but, she is not back. I love her with all my heart and i dont want to push her away, I just want her to know that how serious I am about this. I miss her so miuch and she tells me that she misses me so much, so WHY isnt she back? I would say she's still thinking about the things that made her need a break. You haven't said what those things were,or whether she told you anything more specific than "needing time to think," so I can't really comment further on that. You've told her you want her back, so she knows that. She knows you're in counseling, so she knows your serious. I think it's unnecessary, & possibly counterproductive to keep dwelling on that with her. I understand that you're confused & anxious, but you need to let the process work. The relationship should not be based on neediness, so you need to not act or be needy.
netrie Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Hi, Please go to therapy with or without her. You are the one suffering and it is now weighing on you--it is your problem. In other words, you cannot change her or make her love you. Work on you and things will fall in place. If she wants to make it work, she will come through but take care of you first. How did the first counseling session go? Netalia
Author Socom Posted September 16, 2004 Author Posted September 16, 2004 Scott, Well, she says it is the way that i have been treating her and acting. And it first i thought it was only an excuse, but the more that i think about it I really was not spending a lot of time with her nor were we talking a lot. So yes, I do take responsibility for that and think that it is what caused her leaving. We have lived together for 2 years and there have been many really good times and some bad times. I think that that the issue that we really need to work on is trust. We have both been in really bad relationships and have been cheated on in the past. So in a way I think that i dont trust her as much as i sould and the same goes for her. I am slowly proving to her that she can trust me and that i want her back and love her deeply. The other bad part of this is she has 2 children 3-8. I treat them like my own and they see me as dad. So this in many ways is hurting all of us including her. She just transfered her son's school to closer to where she is staying, she says that when she is ready she will transfer him back, but right now it is too hard driving back and forth. I can understand that. Well its off to counseling.....Wish me luck By the way thanks for your comments
netrie Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 I think it's unnecessary, & possibly counterproductive to keep dwelling on that with her. I understand that you're confused & anxious, but you need to let the process work. The relationship should not be based on neediness, so you need to not act or be needy. Scott, He needs to go through whatever feelings he is "feeling." If it is neediness-- so be it. It needs to run its cycle. Men need to learn to let go and FEEL! Netalia
Scott S Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 OK, so you know the things you need to work on. It took a little while to get to this state, so it will take a little time to fix it. The good part is that she does want to come back when she's ready. The trust issue may be a big part of your problem. If you tend to act insecure in a relationship that can quickly become a source of tension & conflict. Well its off to counseling.....Wish me luck Good luck. Let us know how it goes today. BTW are you in couples counseling, or each in individual? By the way thanks for your comments You're welcome. Hope they're helpful!
Scott S Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Originally posted by netrie He needs to go through whatever feelings he is "feeling." If it is neediness-- so be it. It needs to run its cycle. Men need to learn to let go and FEEL! OK, let me re-phrase that. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They simply are. What gets people in trouble is how they act on those feelings. In my observation (and experience from years ago) acting insecure, needy, & distrustful has proven detrimental to the relationship. My ex was very insecure in our relationship, absolutely convinced that I was destined to run off with some 19 year-old blonde size 4 tall. Ironically, it was her that left for another man, but in the meantime it irritated me no end, & frankly I found it insulting (especially in view of what eventually happened). What I was trying to convey is that one should not define his/her entire existence in terms of a relationship with someone. Each of us needs to have our own lives as well as our relationships.
Author Socom Posted September 16, 2004 Author Posted September 16, 2004 Where to start??? Well we went I think that in only the first session things went well. I learned from my girl that she has not been getting the emotional support as well as time with me. Also, she thinks that i am afraid to committ to her. We live together for over 2 years and share everything. That is more then I have ever done in any relationship. To her suprise she learned that i was planning on givving her a ring for her birthday which is on the 29th of this month. Funny how things turn out. But i am glad that we went and are starting on working the little things out that can turn so bad if not taken care of. She still wants to come home but like she said today she is too afraid that things will be good for the beginning and then turn sour again. So, We are taking it slow and starting off i guess you can say like a new relationship. The person that we saw had a lot of good advise like allowing her to make her mind up on her own when she is ready to come back home. She said that I should tell her how much i love her and miss her as much as i see fit. But not too much to drive her away. So i guess that is bits and pieces for now. I am feeling a lot better and I think i am going to go and try to eat. WOW....this is going to be the first time in over a week. Thanks to all of you for helping.... Tomorrow morning she will be over and i guess we will see what happens
netrie Posted September 16, 2004 Posted September 16, 2004 Hi Scott You are very articulate! Are you in the counseling field? How old are you? Now, you do not need to answer and I will understand-----just curious. Netalia
Scott S Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Originally posted by netrie You are very articulate! Are you in the counseling field? How old are you? Now, you do not need to answer and I will understand-----just curious. Hi Netalia! Oh, you're too kind! No, I'm not a counselor. I have neither the talent nor the personality for that profession. I'm an accountant, & I'm 44 years old. I've had many of these experiences earlier in life, wondering if something was wrong with me. Now I see that they're more commonplace than I would have ever imagined, & I don't feel so bad now.
Scott S Posted September 17, 2004 Posted September 17, 2004 Sounds like the session went very well. Glad to hear it. You're both taking giant steps in the right direction. Now you know what to work on. Bits & pieces. Slow & easy. Not overbearing or smothering. Just like we've been telling you. Best of luck to the both of you!
Author Socom Posted September 17, 2004 Author Posted September 17, 2004 Yes, i think that it went well. We talked for a few hours today and meet for lunch. we talked and had fun. She to0ld me that she will be coming home soon. So in a ways I am happy, but like the saying goes actions speak louder then words. So i will wait. It seems that the weekends are when I loose some ground, because that is when we dont have a lot of contact. So i guess we will find out soon. I want to thank you all for you help with this.
Author Socom Posted September 21, 2004 Author Posted September 21, 2004 Well, things have been slow but good. On friday we were talking and she said that she is coming home very soon. She said that she can't wait and she is not happy where she is. She told me that she was going to be home either Monday or Tuesday (today). Since then we talked a lot yesterday and i guess i was pushing and she said that she is coming home but not sure when. She said that it was a bad idea to tell me a day and said that she will be home and I will know it when it happens. So she called me very early in this morning (1am) and we talked for about 1 hour. she stated that she was talking things over with her friends and she will be home very soon. We talked a lot, actually I think that it was the most open in the communication end then she has been during this entire break up. She then said that she will likely be home before Friday but no later then Friday. So like I said we talked for about an hour and then said that she loves me and will call in the morning. I ended up calling her this morning about 0800 hrs and she was her normal not in a good mood morning person, but things were good. She said that she was going to take a nap and then she will be calling me back as soon as she got up. Anyway, during the past few days while we were talking I stated that I still would like to contnue to go to counseling and she agreed. Although it was only 1 session it made up both think and understand what was going on with eachother and how to work at fixing it. SO thursday is our next session. Can't WAIT!!! I do have a question. FOr about a year we have been talking about having a child. We talked about it alot. I guess you can say that we really didn't try but we did not do anything to aviod it. Like if it happens it happens. We both want this and when we were talking about it the other day she said that she wants to get pregnant within the next 3 months. Is it still ok to try or should we wait for things to get better. I know things are getting better now, but all better, like home and together everyday?
Scott S Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Slow but good is at least good. I'm concerned you may have "jumped the gun" a bit this morning, though. She said she would call you, I would have let her do so. So let her do so. Now is not the time to be pushy. If she doesn't call today, then don't call her, & don't panic. She'll call tomorrow, then, or you'll see her Thursday. I hope the Thursday seesion goes well. I would advise not to keep pushing for a return date, as that seems to continue as an issue. Have you noticved that every time you do, she keeps putting it off? So... I do have a question. FOr about a year we have been talking about having a child. We talked about it alot. I guess you can say that we really didn't try but we did not do anything to aviod it. Like if it happens it happens. We both want this and when we were talking about it the other day she said that she wants to get pregnant within the next 3 months. Is it still ok to try or should we wait for things to get better. I know things are getting better now, but all better, like home and together everyday? You two have to decide & agree what's right for you, of course, but if I were in your situation, I would need at least a year of things being better every day. You acknowledged that you still have a lot of issues to work on. A child will not make that any easier. Parenthood is the single largest responsibility the average person will ever undertake. It's a challenge under the best of circumstances, & I think that your situation is far from that right now.
Author Socom Posted September 21, 2004 Author Posted September 21, 2004 Scott, I know....I know..... Its so hard to let her make the move as far as calling. But, on the other side when we were in counseling I was advised to let her know and make her feel my love and see it. I asked how far do I go, and the response was.... You need to be presistant so that she knows you really love her and want to work this out....But, you know your limits and you should not break them. So in a way i do understand what she was saying. And like the saying goes it is so easy to say. I just got done talking to her a ew minutes ago. She called and we talked and she was so happy to tell me that she will be home before I know it. So in so many ways that was important to me. Because she is telling me this. However, the only time frame is "sooner then you think". Which I think will be monday at the latest, because of her plans for the weekend. I guess I can live with that. But really what choice do I have? As far as the baby. When talked about this for a long time and mostly when things were good in the relationship. I still want to but i do not want that to be the reason to keep up together. Like I said she has 2 Children from a previous relationship. So trust me I know how hard it is. And yes there are many issues that are in front of us now. But they all seem like they are so minor. Which in most cases they are, but we neglected them and they got out of control. I know am not saying that if she comes home today that our problems will go away. I am only saying that when she comes home things will be getting better then before and as long as we both put the effort forward it will work. So for her birthday in 2 weeks I am taking her to a resort in the Poconos (Pennsylvania). I always have done special things for her on her birthday but mostly it was at home or in the area. I really think that this will be go to show that I am starting to change and see that she has inportant needs. Not saying that this will be important to her because of where it is, but because we are leaving the area and there is no chance that I can get called. That was a huge issue with us. Because of my work I get called in alot for overtime when things happen. Things that no one can control. And as we talked she understand that i guess. But only time will tell.
Scott S Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Its so hard to let her make the move as far as calling. But, on the other side when we were in counseling I was advised to let her know and make her feel my love and see it. I asked how far do I go, and the response was.... You need to be presistant so that she knows you really love her and want to work this out....But, you know your limits and you should not break them. Was that the counselor or your gf that said all that? I think you're trying to do that. The grey area here is where does being persistent end & being possessive/needy/overbearing begin? It seems you keep crossing that line. So in a way i do understand what she was saying. And like the saying goes it is so easy to say. I just got done talking to her a ew minutes ago. She called and we talked and she was so happy to tell me that she will be home before I know it. So in so many ways that was important to me. Because she is telling me this. However, the only time frame is "sooner then you think". Which I think will be monday at the latest, because of her plans for the weekend. I guess I can live with that. But really what choice do I have? You don't have much choice, as you have decided & comitted to saving this relationship. That ball is in her court for now. As far as the baby. When talked about this for a long time and mostly when things were good in the relationship. I still want to but i do not want that to be the reason to keep up together. Like I said she has 2 Children from a previous relationship. So trust me I know how hard it is. And yes there are many issues that are in front of us now. But they all seem like they are so minor. Which in most cases they are, but we neglected them and they got out of control. I know am not saying that if she comes home today that our problems will go away. I am only saying that when she comes home things will be getting better then before and as long as we both put the effort forward it will work. The issues may seem "minor" to you, but the fact that she has separated from you indicates that she disagrees. You're right, they will take a lot of work & effort on the part of both of you. With that in mind, I merely wished to remind you that a baby is VERY high-maintenance, & would likely divert your attention (both of you) from the issues you're trying to work on. So for her birthday in 2 weeks I am taking her to a resort in the Poconos (Pennsylvania). I always have done special things for her on her birthday but mostly it was at home or in the area. I really think that this will be go to show that I am starting to change and see that she has inportant needs. Not saying that this will be important to her because of where it is, but because we are leaving the area and there is no chance that I can get called. That was a huge issue with us. Because of my work I get called in alot for overtime when things happen. Things that no one can control. And as we talked she understand that i guess. But only time will tell. That sounds nice. I've never been there, but I'm told it's quite beautiful there. I know it's a popular honeymoon destination. Leave the cell & pager at home then. On that last point, is it possible that you've been letting work come between the two of you? Has she complained about that, either before, or in counseling now? The perception of someone being married to their work has wrecked countless relationships. A friend of mine used to manage a restaurant. He routinely worked 80-90 hours a week, including every weekend & almost all evenings. His 2 children were growing up not knowing their dad, & his wife was really beginning to resent it was well. It wasn't easy, but he made a job change to one with more reasonable hours, & now you see their whole family together, he's really gotten involved with Children's Ministry at our church, & they've re-connected as a couple in ways he could never have imagined. I don't know how practical this would be for you, but perhaps it's something you should consider. After all, you're supposed to work for a living, not live for working!
netrie Posted September 21, 2004 Posted September 21, 2004 Originally posted by Socom She just transfered her son's school to closer to where she is staying, she says that when she is ready she will transfer him back...By the way thanks for your comments What a mess that the boy is being dragged along while she goes through her "motions." If, of course, I understand what I just read correctly. HOw old is the boy?
Author Socom Posted September 22, 2004 Author Posted September 22, 2004 Yes netrie, you did read that correct. I tried for over a week to tell her what she was doing. She did hold off for a while before making the change. But, like she said I changed hime and can very easily change hime back. Yes it is wrong. But I did agree with the reasons that she was doing it. The distance that she was driving 2 times a day would be enough to drive anyone crazy. Anyway, when she did that I lost what little hope that I had left. I really was ready to walk away defeated. But, for some reason I still tried and I guess it worked. Things have been going really great with us and She says that she will be back home before the weekend. So i guess my point is I lost all hope but still tried. Not sure why other then the love that i have for her. All my effort is now starting to pay off. I think that if we would have stayed together and did not have this break things would not be good. They may have been times, but overall not good. So in many ways this was the best thing for our relationship. It made me really think about what i have and what i can loose. I will never make that mistake again.
Scott S Posted September 22, 2004 Posted September 22, 2004 The main thing is that you believe in the relationship, & hung in there. I'm very happy to hear that things are working out. Now, be very attentive to continue the good work you both started, & careful not to backslide into the old habits that caused all this.
Author Socom Posted September 23, 2004 Author Posted September 23, 2004 I know what you are saying Scott. I will try my hardest to not allow that to happen, however, I know how hard I am going to try to stray away from that I just hope that she is goingto give the same amount. I guess in a way you can say that it was good work, But more so Long, Hard, and hurtful. Do I think that all this effort was worth it? YES... As for Today we have another counseling session at 1. So i hope that it goes as well as the last. When we were there last week she told us to go and do things again. Starting slow....Dating in a sense. But as i look at it we really have not done anything other then talking. I think we have been together for maybe 3 hours in the past week. Some is my fault but mostly her fault. But at the least we did make progress by talking. i.e. coming home. I know words really mean nothing unless there are the actions to support those words. Which I really have not seen yet. I have said many things over this break and I have supported some of what I have said. And need the time to finish the rest. But, with the time constraints that we have been having I am not sure when that will be. Anyway, she CLAIMS that she will be home Saturday night or Sunday.............TIME WILL TELL.........
Scott S Posted September 23, 2004 Posted September 23, 2004 Make no mistake, it will take effort. Habits can be very hard to break. Hope the session goes well today. You mentioned "fault." Be VERY careful not to start finger-pointing. This isn't the time. She has issues to work through, just like you do. A Blame-Game will add NO value, & will be very detrimental. Work on YOUR issues, as she works on hers. And again, DO NOT push the return-time issue right now. I know it's difficult & I know I keep saying that. But it is important. She has been needing some space, & when you intrude on it, it's aggravating the situation. Good luck in the session today.
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