Mint Sauce Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 background: ex left me for a friend of ours, about a year ago, after they enjoyed an affair for a few months. I did not see it coming, I trusted her completely, and she did not voice any unhappiness. In hindsight, I could have seen some red flags, but only a few very subtle ones really. I'm seeing someone new for a few months now, and as I grow more attached, I find myself struggling with trust issues. When undressing yesterday evening, I noticed some scratches on her buttocks, not from me, and my mind went into overdrive...She had no explanation for them. She was betrayed by her exH, who finally left her and their daughter for one of his APs, so she's very clear she would never do that to her partner. But, she did have a short affair early on in their marriage, which she portrays as a youthful indiscretion, having only been with her husband (they were a young married couple, each others first). In any case, even if she had a clean slate, I'd still suffer from these trust issues, I believe. I know it's irrational fear, and I don't act upon it, but I'd like to get rid of it. I stopped my IC in autumn, my therapist was convinced I could do any further healing on my own. Any advice from those who have been betrayed?
Spark1111 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 it's not irrational. It's probably very normal. As I reconciled, I do not have any solid advice for someone back on the dating scene, except the same rule I had to apply to my own marriage: Consistantcy and transparency of actions over time earn trust. Also, discuss it with her. Discuss all your insecurities and try to come up with a plan of action to reassure each other. Both of you have been betrayed, so it stands to reason both will have episodes of insecurity. Nothing wrong with that. Does she own a cat? Have dry skin? Scratch herself in her sleep? I mean, I understand why you reacted. Anyone would question marks in certain areas. I always have bruises on my legs and friends would question them with one eyebrow raised as if my H might be beating me. I finally realized they are all 32 inches high which corresponds with my desk at work, the one I often jump up from and clumsily bash into. 2
Silly_Girl Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I struggled greatly at first, in my current relationship, expecting him to turn in to my ex any second. Thought he would turn out to be some Jekyll and Hyde character as that's what happens, right?... I even tried (feebly I admit) to end things as I felt sure I would ruin everything with my horrifying paranoia. That would have been the biggest mistake of my life. In the end - and I don't know whether this works in all cases - I came clean. I realised I could risk pushing him away but fronting it up, or I'd definitely push him away if I didn't. And it worked for us. Because he didn't understand how often it could crop up, and over such insignificant (seemingly) instances he needed me to tell him, he needed me to explain, so that he could be patient and loving and reassure me. All the while the reason for my issues were a) past treatment and not b) that I had seen reasons not to trust him (big difference between those) he was fine and really really helped. For me I think communication is key, as is distinguishing between genuine mistrust (which is usually for a reason) and old scars that make your mind do silly tricks and contortions. I really hope you can get some traction on it, the impact of this stuff can't be overstated. 3
BetrayedH Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Four-letter word for you... T I M E I have managed to almost thoroughly shake my trust issues, although my GF went way out of her way to reassure me. She understood and was proactive. The girl BCC'd me on her official dump emails to other guys that she had dated. When I once found my paranoid self wanting to trail her somewhere, I just decided to stop. She hadn't done this to me; my exwife had. Where I am more concerned is about being emotionally invested. My heart is guarded and that hasn't been resolved; perhaps it never will. It's as if you might be able to betray me, but I refuse to care as much as I did before. It's not the healthiest way to build a relationship. Fortunately for me, I'm not in a rush. 3
Author Mint Sauce Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Thank you all for your kind responses. They are very much appreciated. There are some wonderful people here on LS I recognize a lot of what is being said: BetrayedH: it is exactly now that I'm letting my guard down (first time in my life I experienced such a defense mechanism btw), that these trust issues come up. You and Silly_Girl seems very lucky in having found these caring and understanding new partners. I think I can indeed communicate these insecurities to her, although she already stated that she doesn't have them. She seems rather emotionally robust compared to my all-too-fragile heart And some of my triggers may be too specific to actually share with her (e.g. when she smells differently). Spark, that desk story is a good way to put things in perspective, but no cat or dry skin. She's a bit clumsy though, so she probably did it herself taking her stockings off.
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