SadnTrue Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I have been with my bf for about a year. Planning to get married in Aug. in Vegas. Just a quick wedding. I just turned 40 and he is 38. Both out 2nd marriages. We already live together and all. It is going well except the fact that he is getting alittle carried away with what he is doing lately. I go to the gym everyday and he expects me to wear a bagging ugly t-shirt, if I dont he gets pissed. Yesterday I wore one of my Victoria Secret (Pink) shirts cause it is more comfortable working out and he got pissed and he hid all my tank tops/low cut shirts. I found em but he said if I wear em he'll throw em away. Now I am 40, a guy is not going to hit on me at the gym! I do look good for my age, but they are going to hit on the young 20 something than me lol I told him this and he says he cant take that chance. He also has been getting mad at little things like if I dont sit with him in the morning before work, he says I can do the housework later, I need to spend those few minutes with him before he leaves. And if I leave him while he's eating dinner, or dont meet him at the door when he gets home, just little things like that. I cant go for walks by myself or to the store by myself unless its for groceries. This is odd to me. He was alittle like this at first but it has gotten worse so not sure if its something I am doing or him?
man_in_the_box Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I very much advise you stand up for yourself in these type of situations. You are going to lose yourself if you let other(s) walk all over you.
ja123 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Red flags. Next he'll order you to stop seeing your family and friends. 2
phineas Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Maybe you should get a job. Not a full time job, just a part time you can work mid day so you can surprise him with gifts. something you can work in between your morning & evening duties right after you go to the gym would be perfect.
Author SadnTrue Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I agree- He already has a problem with me going out with my friends. I cant anymore without him. So I havent seen them in months. I will say something to him today, not sure how it will go
Emilia Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I agree- He already has a problem with me going out with my friends. I cant anymore without him. So I havent seen them in months. I will say something to him today, not sure how it will go This guy is controlling and showing signs of being a potential abuser long term! You have to leave him and certainly do not marry him!!!! Once he feels he has enough power over you, this will escalate Domestic violence against women: Recognize patterns, seek help - MayoClinic.com 1
man_in_the_box Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Never neglect your friends that way you only put yourself in a more and more vulnerable and exploitable position. I absolutely loathe these kind of relationship dynamics and I wish more people would get themselves together and give a big f--- you. I think its almost morally wrong to completely isolate a person from the rest of the world to make them 'yours'. Although in the end the responsibility lies on themselves to break free. 2
man_in_the_box Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Then he should've addressed her behaviour and put up some ultimatums. It's almost impossible to stop someone from doing something they want to do - and if that's something their partner cannot live with then they have a serious compatibility problem. Perhaps they should not be together if trivial issues cause so much strife. The answer is never to literally take over their lives and tell them what someone can and cannot do.
man_in_the_box Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hehe, I guess Lohan is a whole story by itself. But hope it was clear that what I was talking about partners in a romantic relationship - not government-civilian dynamics. It's not my responsibility to lock up drug addicts that are a threat to society in my basement and get them clean. However if said drug addict is my partner its obvious that I'm the first person that's going to take action. Extreme example perhaps but I hope it gets the point across.
Author SadnTrue Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Hmmm- I am a blond, but not a bimbo. I go to school full-time, so even a part-time job wont work right now. I had one about two months ago and a guy I worked with kept hitting on me and my bf seen it, so he made me quit. He just made it very hard to work there, would come by and call if I didnt answer his text. So I decided to go to school full-time, something I wanted to do since I was in my 20s, got derailed cause I have a disabled son I stayed home with for awhile. And I think your wrong when you say he doesnt love me. What he is doing is wrong, but if he didnt love me why would he get a house with me and propose and put me at the center of his world? He is always there for me, taking care of me and the family. Seems like he would do the opposite if he didnt love me.
Emilia Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hmmm- I am a blond, but not a bimbo. I go to school full-time, so even a part-time job wont work right now. I had one about two months ago and a guy I worked with kept hitting on me and my bf seen it, so he made me quit. He just made it very hard to work there, would come by and call if I didnt answer his text. So I decided to go to school full-time, something I wanted to do since I was in my 20s, got derailed cause I have a disabled son I stayed home with for awhile. And I think your wrong when you say he doesnt love me. What he is doing is wrong, but if he didnt love me why would he get a house with me and propose and put me at the center of his world? He is always there for me, taking care of me and the family. Seems like he would do the opposite if he didnt love me. Ignore the bimbo comment, this is a free forum, anyone can post However, your boyfriend sounds very controlling. Did you look at the link I posted previously? 1
johan Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hmmm- I am a blond, but not a bimbo. I go to school full-time, so even a part-time job wont work right now. I had one about two months ago and a guy I worked with kept hitting on me and my bf seen it, so he made me quit. He just made it very hard to work there, would come by and call if I didnt answer his text. So I decided to go to school full-time, something I wanted to do since I was in my 20s, got derailed cause I have a disabled son I stayed home with for awhile. And I think your wrong when you say he doesnt love me. What he is doing is wrong, but if he didnt love me why would he get a house with me and propose and put me at the center of his world? He is always there for me, taking care of me and the family. Seems like he would do the opposite if he didnt love me. He might love you, or he might love having you. You can't always tell the difference. I only say this, because for all the limitations and demands he's making, it's clear he's ok with keeping you essentially captive. It makes the entire relationship about him and what he wants, and maybe occasionally about what you want when he feels inclined. Whether you enjoy your life and feel free to live it are not so important to him. Whatever standards you have for yourself are secondary. Your judgment about things is replaced by his. Ultimately so will your identity. Would you do that to someone you love? 6
Els Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hmmm- I am a blond, but not a bimbo. I go to school full-time, so even a part-time job wont work right now. I had one about two months ago and a guy I worked with kept hitting on me and my bf seen it, so he made me quit. He just made it very hard to work there, would come by and call if I didnt answer his text. So I decided to go to school full-time, something I wanted to do since I was in my 20s, got derailed cause I have a disabled son I stayed home with for awhile. And I think your wrong when you say he doesnt love me. What he is doing is wrong, but if he didnt love me why would he get a house with me and propose and put me at the center of his world? He is always there for me, taking care of me and the family. Seems like he would do the opposite if he didnt love me. Sounds like you have your mind made up. Not sure why I'd want to spend precious time trying to convince you otherwise - it's your life. Good luck with this guy. I sincerely hope for your sake that this is as far as his controlling nature goes, or we'll find you in an abused women's shelter in a couple years' time.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 SadnTrue, ignore the advice about getting a job. It was ridiculous. Second, DO listen to Johan's advice. This man doesn't treat you like an equal. He's hiding your clothes and he's upset when you aren't at the door to greet him? This is all very, very unhealthy. Please consider seeking therapy if you are going to continue on in this relationship. But my suggestion is to break it off with him before things esculate any further. 2
Author SadnTrue Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 "The Fudge"- (nice name) anyways, glad this is funny to you. I never said I was going to stay, as you speak, or shouldn't speak, I am looking into places to go. Emilia- yes I looked at that link, Thanks so much:) I had just asked him what he thought about me getting a pt job while going to school ft, this was his response via email- NO. You are not getting a job. Your school is more important. We will make it. You will not start looking for a job until you are done with school.
Els Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 SadnTrue, ignore the advice about getting a job. It was ridiculous. IMO getting a job is a great idea, although phineas' reasonings were pretty ridiculous (sounds like he posted on a totally wrong thread actually ). Nothing like financial independence to help someone break out of a potentially abusive R.
Emilia Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 NO. You are not getting a job. Your school is more important. We will make it. You will not start looking for a job until you are done with school. So what are you going to do?
johan Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Sadntrue, I think you're going to have to decide whether this relationship is for you. Now that you know what he wants, you should expect this to be the theme of your relationship going forward. The time to make a decision is coming. 2
Author SadnTrue Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I am not going to jump the gun just yet. I am sticking to my guns about wearing what I want and I'll see what he does tonight when he gets home. If he really does throw my stuff away, then I will leave.
Emilia Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I am not going to jump the gun just yet. I am sticking to my guns about wearing what I want and I'll see what he does tonight when he gets home. If he really does throw my stuff away, then I will leave. Please keep us posted
TheGuard13 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 1. An attractive blonde 40 year old woman who wears Victoria's Secret Pink stuff, and wears it well, yeah, she's going to be seen as kind of a bimbo by most. . Own it, honey. Especially if you're going to stay with this guy. 2. This guy sounds like a real catch. I read the thread title and expected to see something about a woman whose man wanted her to wear sexy clothing that highlighted her strengths instead of baggy, frumpy stuff that did her a disservice. Quite the opposite here. This guy is wildly insecure and very controlling. I don't know that this would end up being physical abuse down the line, but it's definitely a form of emotional abuse, and very unhealthy for a relationship. I think you seriously need to go to couples counseling if you're really going to consider marrying this guy.
Disenchantedly Yours Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 IMO getting a job is a great idea, although phineas' reasonings were pretty ridiculous (sounds like he posted on a totally wrong thread actually ). Nothing like financial independence to help someone break out of a potentially abusive R. Forgive me for not stating everything as perfectly as you Elswyth. By the way, by saying Phineas' reasoning are "pretty ridiculous", you are forming a judgement. I thought that was something you never did?
CarrieT Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I would call off the wedding pronto... This type of behavior is indicative of more bad news to come. The fact that you can't talk to your friends is another Red Flag. 5
FitChick Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 What was his ex-wife like? For example, if his ex cheated or flirted with every man she met and dressed slutty, that would explain his controlling behavior. If your ex-husband was more successful than he is, he might be insecure, afraid you will run off with a better man. That would be a good starting point for a discussion of his behavior.
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