Steve39 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hi I'm new to this forum and some of the posts I've read have really helped, however my Fiancee of 9 years took me completely buy surprise on Sunday and told me that she wasn't happy and she was leaving me; I was speechless, numb, gutted and devastated. She was in floods of tears as she told me and asked if I wanted to talk; I said, "NO, what is there to talk about you seem to have made your mind up". I didn't get angry, I didn't cry or beg for her to stay I just felt sad, sadder than I've ever felt before. She attempted to speak to me several times before she left and I just didn't want to, all I could say was WTF and I can't believe that this is happening, but again I was calm and when I did finally speak to her I said that I only want the best for her and I Love Her. She explained that she hadn't been happy for a couple of months and I was so shocked as we have had an affectionate almost perfect relationship for the past nine years. Looking back I haven't been attracted to her for several months as we both got into the comfort zone, I would return from the gym in my gym clothes and she would return home to immediately remove her makeup and sit in her comfy pyjamas. She had also put a lot of weight on and just generally let herself go, now of course I realise that this is when she was unhappy. She has also a history of depression which sometimes can take it's toll not only on her but me too. I'm the positive one in our relationship and if something is going wrong I will sort it. I suffer with stress too but it always work related as I own my own business; but I never bring my work home, even mentally. We loved doing everything together, we'd socialise together, snuggle up on the couch and watch the latest shows. We'd also do our separate things so we'd having stuff to talk about and we wouldn't get bored of each other. I know that this is not just her fault as she is awesome inside and out, but I felt myself getting frustrated with her lack of energy and I was probably short and irritable with her which wouldn't of helped. It's now the forth day and I am sticking to the NC, I've deleted her from Facebook so I'm not tempted to look, I've also taken her of my favourites on my phone so that I don't ring her by accident. All my friends and neighbours are in shock over this to as they have also commented on what a great relationship we had and some have mentioned how jealous they were of our ease and love for each other. I've kept a brave face in public and kept my feelings inside but I'm broken, I love her so so much but right now the feeling isn't mutual. I really didn't see it coming, last month she gave me an awesome birthday weekend, we were moving to a bigger house and booking a holiday. WTF I've just read some of my old messages from her from during an average day and she would always tell me she loved me and always be so caring. I think as I write this I'm just trying to come to terms with what has just happened I know I'm doing the right things as well, I've been going the gym twice a day, working on my home and trying to keep busy. I also realise that deep down I'm doing this in the hope she comes back and she sees how lovely the home she left looks and she sees how much healthier I am............but deep down I've accepted that she may never be back. I'm gutted. I'm away on a lads weekend this weekend to help cheer up two of my friends who recently separated from their partners and look what happened to me. Some of her things are here still and I'm terrified that she will come and get them whilst I'm away, and I expect I'm right. It will destroy me when I get home and know she's been there. I didn't even say goodbye to her, I'm a fool. I don't blame her for what she's done but I feel so empty and lost right now. I want her more than anything to go to her Mums and realise what she's just given up, but it may never happen. I have several committed relationships in the past but never anything as great as what we had. I'm going to stick to the NC rule as it will help me move on or possibly give her time to think, but it's eating me up inside Right now I feel like my world has ended and I know someone will say time is a great healer, which it is, but I'm really worried I've lost the best thing in my world.
Mack05 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 (edited) Steve you would be amazed how much this happens. To make a relationship work for the long haul is a very hard slog. It requires so many attributes on both sides. There is a reason divorce rates are skyrocketing these days. You are doing everything right. Going to the gym and staying NC. If you can keep that up for the next 6 months, you will come out of this dark hole a hell of a lot faster. Sadly you are just starting out on the grief cycle. I know what your ex is going through. I have suffered from depression and weight gain. There is a saying that you can't be happy in a relationship, if you are not happy within yourself. That is very true. People suffering with depression live their lives in denial. Their thought process is not that of an emotionally healthy person. They tend to fantasize about how they used to be, before the depression and weight gain hit. They make promised to themselves to put things right, to be an ever better version of their old selves in future. They will 'dream' a lot about this magical future. The problem is 'walking the walk' is a hell of a lot tougher then 'talking the talk'. When you are kidding yourself the slightest things sets you back. You receive some bad news or have a tough day at work. You think to yourself, methinks I will have a pizza tonight yum yum. I will start my getting back to me strict regime tomorrow. Except tomorrow you feel guilty that you ate the pizza, so fish and chips and some chocolate bars are on the menu. The sad thing is you are not even enjoying the food. You are just scolding yourself for being so weak. Over time this negative self image just becomes worse and worse and those dreams of a happy future just become more and more unrealistic. Because of her failed attempts to get herself back together, she will then turn the blame on the person closest to her. She will think to herself "if you were making me happy then I wouldn't be this sad". This thinking is very miscued and not fair. There are two stake holders in a relationship. The first and foremost responsibility of the stakeholder is to make themselves happy (before entering a relationship) and keep themselves happy (for the relationship duration). In this journey called life, that is very hard to do over a long period of time. When you are happy inside you are at your very best in a relationship. You become more unselfish, caring, loving, approachable etc etc etc. When you are sad inside the opposite happens. It is hard watching someone we love slowly self destruct. When your partner gains weight it's very hard to bring the topic up. The comfort zone is something nearly every couple as to deal with at some stage in their relationship. The damage being done by someone with depression/low self esteem to a relationship is slow and steady. Like chipping away at a wall. Little chips are not going to make much difference at the beginning, but when you chip away at the wall for a certain length of time the wall is unrecognisable. Not only that it is no longer solid and secure. All you can do Steve is hope somehow she comes to her senses. This is probably unlikely, but you never know. Time apart could be the jolt she needs to figure things out. If she does come back maybe you can both rebuild that 'wall' together. In the meantime prepare as if she is not coming back. Just keep doping what you are doing. It's hard and I won't kid you, it is going get harder. Just try keep doing something positive everyday, no matter how small it is. Try buy the book 'getting past your breakup'. It's on amazon. I found it a brilliantly written book. Edited April 11, 2013 by Mack05
Author Steve39 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Hi Mack05, you are so insightful and deep down I know that everything your saying is right. At the moment I feel so frustrated and hurt and I want to get hold of my partner and say all these things and point out what she's throwing away. I feel even more frustrated that she is actually a Clinical Behavioural Therapist and she treats people who've broken up and so forth so she's doing the opposite to what she tells her patients to do Everyone who knows her is convinced she'll come back but I don't want to hold onto that belief as it will make things so much harder if she doesn't. Therefore I'm going to try to be positive, although I struggled today in the gym when I read your post as it made me cry properly for the first time so I had to leave before anyone noticed the 6ft4ins daft bloke crying. I'm also craving alcohol all the time as I went without yesterday and I wasn't able to sleep, and to boot one of my close friends was meant to keep me company yesterday let me down. It's actually nearly 11:00am here and my local bar is opening soon and all I can think about is drinking myself stupid. Anyhow Mack05 I really, really appreciate your kind words it meant more to me than you know.
Mack05 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 anytime mate. As you know when boozing though, the temporary 'high' is followed by a HUGE low. As for her not recognising things in herself, I think every single one of us suffers from this. It's always easier giving advice then taking/following advice.
Lost_Soul_86 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Steve i know where your coming from, i too have just been broken up with out of the blue after 9 years, this happened 5 weeks ago and im still sitting hear left completely and utterly heartbroken. I don't know what to do with myself all he told me was "we both aren't happy"(that's a first i knew of this unhappiness) "i don't know what i want out of life anymore" "i think im supposed to be on my own" "im sick of living my life for you" but then he say's ill always love you and im always going to be hear for you. All of these things keep going around and around in my head and nothing i say can convince him to wake up and give us another chance. I love him with all of my heart and soul this is the man i have been with since i was 17 (hes 4 years older than me) the one i was supposed to marry and have kids with, i wish there was a magical wand i could wave to make everything better again. At least u still have hope and other peoples hope that she may still come back, all people keep telling me is "it does get easier, you will move on" i don't want to move on! Please don't loose your hope as much as it kills you to think she may not come back, don't ever loose hope! We have a rented house we live in together and our own unfinished house were building, a dog, the list goes on i just don't understand how someone after 9 years could just throw it all away without even seeming like they care?! I don't even know where to begin in moving any of my stuff out! I'm sorry there is nothing i can say to make you feel better, Just know that i know where your coming from and i too am feeling the same hurt and emptiness that you would be feeling, I sympathize with you buddy i really do. I truly hope that there is sunshine after the storm and i hope for both of us that, that sunshine isn't to far away. Take care of yourself
Blckrooster46 Posted May 8, 2013 Posted May 8, 2013 Hey Mack I am going through something similar right now and would love your guidance on the subject. Here is a link to my post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/391621-broke-up-out-no-where-first-loves If not I understand but I would really appreciate some guidance and perspective.
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