HUGE blow up with the ex, need some support :(

[cavalier99]

Feeling a bit better tonight. Me and all of my roommates spent the night playing some games and chatting and trying to keep me distracted! This has been such an emotional drain on me. I have never in my life been told that I am a burden on someone and I don't know how to react.

 

This guy first told me he wanted to marry me one day, then broke up with me but told me he wanted to stay friends, then told me that he wanted to just 'be there for me' when I needed him, and then decided now that I am emotional drain and he can't handle me. Even though I have desperately avoided him for two months Ugh.

 

I think you were doing really well until this incident and I have admired your strength.

 

Just get back on the horse and stop thinking so much (i know ...easier said than done) . Ha i bet you not going to break NC now and if he does call you, you will hang up without saying a word.

[iouaname]

Quit focusing on everything he assured you of, and start looking ahead, not behind.

 

It's not what he assured me of that bothers me - it's the fact that he has made me feel like the crazy, clingy ex who won't leave him alone, after I had gone for two months ignoring him and trying to move on.

 

You're right though that I have to stop living in the past.

[iouaname]

I had a rough start to the morning, couldn't get out of bed until 2pm. But now I'm up and trying to just move on with my day. I am going to Starbucks with my roommates, and then going with a gay friend to a drag show tonight And then the roommates and I are doing a movie.

[iouaname]

It's so tough not to dwell. I'm the kind of person who ruminates on things and just kind of picks and picks at things and is never truly satisfied no matter how deep I dig - and so you can imagine how bad I am in this kind of a situation. I just don't know how to shut the thoughts off.

 

Seriously - anyone thinking of breaking NC, anyone who has their ex reaching out to them and wondering if they should respond, use this as an example. Any contact with your ex sets you back WORSE than square one...

[iouaname]

Today marks the four month mark since we broke up. Things were looking up for a while until what has transpired recently, and now I just feel kind of all over the place. My focus is gone - I was doing really well with focusing on school and just putting my all into the goals I had made and now it just all feels down the drain.

 

I'm not sure exactly where to start with the working on healing myself...

[TaraMaiden]

Exactly in the same way you started before.

 

With one step, one at a time.

[iouaname]

Just want to pop in and thank everyone for the support once again. I'm doing much better. I'm still a little down about how things transpired, but I'm trying to just put it behind me and move forward. I have been able to get my focus for school back and am feeling semi-normal again. Over the weekend I hooked up with a guy from my building (tmi I know ) and have a date with a different guy this Wednesday night!

 

If anything, this weekend has shown me for certain that I am better off without my ex in my life. He's a selfish, emotionally manipulative ******* and I deserve much better.

 

Thank you again to everyone who was there for me during this tough time!

[TaraMaiden]

TMI?? My @ass!

 

NEI!!!

 

(Not Enough Information!!)

 

Woo-hoo!!

 

You go gurl!!

[anna121]

Awesome!

 

Nothing helps heals a broken heart than getting flattery and attention from someone else.

 

Yes, you're vulnerable and therefore at risk and you have to be very strict with yourself blah blah blah

 

But given what you've been through, I'd say you've more than earned a bit of ego-stroking from a member of the opposite sex. I would keep it light and flirty and DEFINITELY not focus on just one guy.

[iouaname]

Having a bit of a rough morning. I'm frustrated, mostly, that after two months of not speaking with him, he gets in contact with me just to tell me that we definitely have no future together and that our relationship was unhealthy and codependent I'm also frustrated that it ended with him telling me that we needed to take space for a few months.

 

Does anyone have any advice on what to do when you feel you've lost the upper-hand? Through being the one to implement no contact, I was feeling dignified and in-control and now that he has been the one to implement it (although obviously I agree with it), I feel like I've lost my power in the situation. It's so frustrating...

[anna121]

It stings, but I've found that there's equal power in not responding. It's human nature, once an ultimatum of that kind is issued, to expect a response even if the whole point of the ultimatum is "don't respond." People begin to second-guess themselves, and even to feel some guilt or regret. At least, that's been my experience.

 

These dynamics are rarely black and white is my point.

[iouaname]

I am fine with not having contact. In fact I got used to it after the two months that I spent ignoring him. It's more the terms that we left off on no contact. Before - it was on my terms and I had taken back some of the power that I felt I had lost through the breakup. During the two months, he continued to reach out and act as though he wanted to be friends. When he finally gets ahold of me - he decides that we need space for a few months It's just... disheartening to feel like I am never able to get the upper-hand on the situation.

[Ayeo]

I totally feel for you. Mine has contacted me after 6 months, why, to offer some holiday pics!!!!

 

Then when we reach out back, say we miss them still, they even say they miss us, what do we get? Silence, she stopped replying. She made me feel so bad about the way I was and stuck her knife in, I will never understand why.

[iouaname]

Yeah, it's tough. And he had the nerve to tell me that he would speak to me "in a few months" It just bugs the **** out of me that I had the control over the situation and that I gave it up and he came in and just took it for himself. It's frustrating, for sure. Knowing how he is, I expect to hear from him again and that alone gives me anxiety.

 

I'm doing better, just a bit disappointed in myself overall. I know that he is a big part to blame - but I do feel that I could have handled the situation much better and that I did myself a huge disservice by continuing the communication once contact did get broken. I feel like I came across as insane and am a bit humiliated.

Edited April 17, 2013 by iouaname

[iouaname]

I keep having the urge (well, not so much urge because I am not going to do it - I guess desire? ) to contact my ex and 'sort things out.' I just hate feeling like I lost the upper-hand over the situation and I hate that he is carrying this perception that I am not strong and not stable (and that I am feeling it about myself.) I worked so hard for two months to preserve my dignity in my eyes and his and now I feel like I've lost it and it's been eating at me

 

In other news - I have a date tonight. The guy is nice and I am giving him a chance but I don't think that I'll be interested in being anything other than friends. I think I'm just not in a place right now where I should be in a relationship, I think I have a lot of self-sorting out to do...

[Minneloa]

I am sorry to hear about your recent interaction with your ex. It sounds awful, and I can only imagine how frustrated you are.

 

Your recent posts contain concern that you have lost the power/upper hand in the situation and worry about how the ex now perceives you. As much as possible, I urge you to set aside this train of thought. Since you are no longer in a relationship with him and do not want any further contact with him, who has the "upper hand" is a moot point. Trying to "sort it out" would certainly be futile and only increase your frustration. Holding on to the power struggle also keeps you invested in him emotionally.

 

I know this is easier said than done. But from what I understand, you have lost a lot of respect for him given his recent behavior and treatment of you. Use that anger! Who cares what the big jerk thinks of you?

Edited April 17, 2013 by Minneloa

[iouaname]

Yeah, I know that trying to sort things out with him won't do any good and that I really just need to sort things out with myself.

 

I just got back from a date with a guy and it was awful. He was an absolute show-off ass and I spent the entire time feeling down that I didn't have a connection with him (or anyone) like I did with the ex. Is that normal?

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi,

 

sorry for not replying sooner, had a lot on my plate last couple of days.

 

I hope you're feeling better in general. For me things started to get better only after I:

- started to work and try to see the "real her", instead of my ideal image of her. By that I mean when I started to really analyse and think of all the bad things she had done etc., write it on paper etc.

- I started to work on my issues and realise why I had put up with her manipulation etc. for so long (when I started reading those books, do the exercises, attended therapy)

- I went complete NC with her, wrote to her that she is to never contact me again, that if she sees me on the street, to not contact me etc., and that this is the last time she'll hear from me.

 

And even then I took me months (I don't know exactly how many) to start feeling much better. But it did, and now I'm just sorry I didn't do this much sooner. But it was my first love and I guess I had to learn my lesson:

 

Before, I made the mistake of just trying to survive day by day, still leaving the doors open for her (we talked occasionally because of my student body position etc.), still hoping that she'd come back, mistake of not thinking about the "real her". But after a certain point, I started doing all I mentioned above and things started to go much better.

 

And yes, it will be tough for you to feel great connection with someone so soon after the breakup, especially since in your mind you probably still have this ideal image of him, all the great memories. Three months after the breakup (when I still hadn't begun my healing, NC, analysing etc.) I made out with (I see now) a really awesome girl, but the next day I felt like I had "cheated" on my ex, felt bad. But it gets better with time and work you put into getting over him.

 

So yes, you'll meet bad/stupid guys on your dates, and you'll meet some great guys as well. Just try to give yourself a chance of happiness by doing the work of getting over him.

 

Also, I think it might be too soon for you to start another serious relationship. I mean, casual dating, rebounds etc. is ok if you're into it, but don't go into another serious relationship so soon. My advice is for you to wait longer, and first try to work on yourself, to try to learn how to be happy on your own.

 

For example, you said you felt the need to be validated by him. I think it would be best for you to figure out why you felt such a need and to work on it (books, therapy, support groups, talking to friends etc.), so you won't feel the need to be validated by anyone again. After that, your dating life will be much better.

 

Because until then, you'll be looking for men to give you validation, and that's not, imo, a good recipe for a healthy relationship...

 

Anyway, I hope this helped, I have more to write if you want, and I hope you'll post more soon!

[TaraMaiden]

I think it's good in a way.

Your people-picker is refined, and you recognise idiocy straight away.

 

But difficult as I know it must be - try not to compare new dates with your ex-.

Nobody will ever be the same as him.

But they will all be different, and they have a right to be "evaluated" on their own merits, not somebody else's.

If you have standards (and you obviously do, because last night's offering was a one-date wonder!) then that's a good thing. But your standards should be yours, not a benchmark set by him.

And one day, you'll meet a guy about whom you think "Oh yeah - I like you a whole lot better - !!"

[iouaname]

[highlight]Calvin-[/highlight]

 

I am doing better in general, thank you! I still have a lot of ups and downs, but overall am in a much better place than I have been in a long time.

 

As for what you said, I agree completely that I am not at all ready for a serious relationship and that I have a lot of things that I need to work out. I have started a journal for myself in which I do a lot of reflecting and goal-setting, and I am in therapy right now and doing a lot of reading.

 

[highlight]Tara-[/highlight]

 

You're right that these guys don't deserve to be compared to my ex, it's not fair for them or for me. While I was on this date, I just found myself wishing for the chemistry I guess. I don't want to say that I dislike 'men' because that is obviously not true, and I don't want to sound jaded towards them, but I just have trouble finding ones that fit what I'm looking for. Sometimes I wonder if my expectations are too high?

[iouaname]

Having a tough morning. I'm now one full week no contact since the huge blow-up and the only thing I can think this morning is how badly I want to reach out and talk to him, to mend things. I have considered all morning sending a "peace-offering" e-mail because I am just so upset with how badly things happened. It bothers me that I think like this, too. It bothers me that it ended on such a bad note because of him, but that somehow I am the one that wants to make peace about things. I just keep telling myself "He is moving on. He does not want to hear from you. Don't embarrass yourself any further."

 

For some reason, it was so much easier to stay no contact when he wanted to hear from me

[Minneloa]

Sorry you are having a tough morning.

 

This is your monkey mind speaking. Please do not listen to it. Absolutely no good can come of contacting your ex, and you know this.

 

What can you do today to distract yourself and refocus your thoughts? If it is nice outside, I would start with leaving the house.

 

Stay strong, sister.

 

M.

[iouaname]

I'm thinking about just drafting the email and then just sitting on it, with the hopes that once I've written it and got the feelings off my chest, I won't even feel the need to send it to him...

[Minneloa]

Write away! But don't send.

 

You can also post it here if you want:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/117844-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex

[cavalier99]

Definitly dont send anything. It doesnt matter how it ended because your NEVER going to speak to him again. He doesnt exist anymore remember?

 

Burn him out of your mind into oblivion. This is how we become indifferent. NOT sending emails. Remeber what happen last time you broke NC. You want more suffering? Cav

Edited April 20, 2013 by cavalier99