HUGE blow up with the ex, need some support :(

[iouaname]

I went NC with my ex, and he continually attempted to get in touch with me. Then he called me this weekend from an unidentified number and it sent me into a huge tailspin when I spoke to him. The tailspin has lasted almost all week, but tonight took the cake. I contacted him (I know I know), which I know was a mistake, to apologize for my half of the weekend and to just leave it off on a good note that we need space. Instead, he decided to scream at me and tell me that I am too much pressure for him and he needs to be able to go out and enjoy himself without me being a bother to him (I mean, seriously? I haven't spoke to you in TWO MONTHS before this weekend )

 

He embarrassed me, humiliated me, made me feel worthless and dejected and crazy, told me we had an unhealthy relationship and that he needed to take space for him and that I needed to just give him space.

 

Now I'm the one that needs to be taken space from? When I've been no contact with you for months and YOU reached out to me underhandedly?

 

This is the lowest I've ever felt in my life.

[Damsel in Distress]

Oh no! Please just remember that the horrible way he is treating you and spinning things is all about HIM and HIS ISSUES. yes, it's an unhealthy relationship - BECAUSE OF HIM.

 

Please take this as a sign that you MUST let him go. Get back to NC where you were doing relatively well and restart the healing process. He treated you HORRIBLY and maybe seeing just how cruel and manipulative he is will help give you the strength to make a clean break with him.

 

I'm SO SO sorry. You didn't deserve to be treated this way. HE contacted you.. then flipped out when uou contacted him. Go back to NC. Stay strong!!!

 

And this is yet another cautionary tale about what happens when NC gets broken And this isn't the first story I've heard this week where they used an unidentified number. Gosh so manipulative!

 

P.S. This is is gonna sound so off-topic, but I couldn't help but think about that Taylor Swift song about Never Ever getting back together - she has a line in there about the guy needing space when they haven't seen each other for two months. Like, really?! And you speak to him for the first time in 2 months and that's pressure?! What the??

[iouaname]

I don't know what to do. I'm having major panic attacks. I just got told off and hung up on like I'm some sort of insane person? WHEN I'VE BEEN GIVING HIM SPACE FOR TWO MONTHS AND HE'S BEEN TRYING TO CONTACT ME.

[iouaname]

Oh no! Please just remember that the horrible way he is treating you and spinning things is all about HIM and HIS ISSUES. yes, it's an unhealthy relationship - BECAUSE OF HIM.

 

Please take this as a sign that you MUST let him go. Get back to NC where you were doing relatively well and restart the healing process. He treated you HORRIBLY and maybe seeing just how cruel and manipulative he is will help give you the strength to make a clean break with him.

 

I'm SO SO sorry. You didn't deserve to be treated this way. HE contacted you.. then flipped out when uou contacted him. Go back to NC. Stay strong!!!

 

And this is yet another cautionary tale about what happens when NC gets broken And this isn't the first story I've heard this week where they used an unidentified number. Gosh so manipulative!

 

P.S. This is is gonna sound so off-topic, but I couldn't help but think about that Taylor Swift song about Never Ever getting back together - she has a line in there about the guy needing space when they haven't seen each other for two months. Like, really?! And you speak to him for the first time in 2 months and that's pressure?! What the??

 

He knows I am going through a depression - so he calls to "check up on me" which incites my anxiety and worsens my depression, and then decides that it's too much pressure on him to be worrying about me. It's absolutely unfair and it's sending me into an insane downward spiral. He told me he needs space from me but will contact me when he's ready. Uhm - REALLY?

 

I just feel so at the end of my rope

 

Oh - and I have no intention or hope of getting back together with this guy. I ****ing hate him. That is gone, completely. I don't care if I ever hear from him again, he's a piece of ****. I just hate the way that this has now made me feel. He took my dignity and power away after I worked so hard to gain it...

[iouaname]

The ******* called me from a private number twice at 3am last night, after yelling at me and telling me to give him space and making me feel completely insane and worthless. I was asleep so I did not answer.

 

I just feel so depressed and worthless, like all of the work I've done in getting over this was for nothing

[Infnitysign]

The ******* called me from a private number twice at 3am last night, after yelling at me and telling me to give him space and making me feel completely insane and worthless. I was asleep so I did not answer.

 

I just feel so depressed and worthless, like all of the work I've done in getting over this was for nothing

 

Dont be his stupid emotional tampon let him be miserable without you and you need to learn how to be strong and control your emotion and dont fall into his little guilt game.

 

Initiate NC and dont look at his facebook every 5 minutes because that will just hurt you knowing that he is having fun and you're not. Go out with friends try new things and take alot of fun and positive pictures and treat everyday like a blessing and post them on your fb. Most of all dont talk about how much you miss him or love him to your friends because they will probably tell him and he knows that you has all the power in the break-up and he can manipulate all your emotions to his liking.

[Damsel in Distress]

GRRR!!! I ouaname, you might want to consider changing your phone number. Calling from a private number in the middle of the night is not something he is doing because he's worried about you being depressed. You need to protect yourself from him and his manipulation.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi!

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this! What he's doing is, IMO, emotional abuse&manipulation and certainly repulsive behaviour.

 

He has, because of his deep issues&defense mechanisms, the need to bring you down and make you feel and look in his eyes, like you've said, as worthless, crazy, ... That way, he can try to convince himself that he's great & that you're the problem, even though he subconsciously knows that he has issues, and that's what driving him to further try to humiliate you. The more he'll push against you, the more he's doing it because on some level he knows how many issues he has. Just another reason it's great that you're no longer with him...

 

 

I'm sorry that you're going through depression. My parents, my sister and my at the time gf went through it, and I know how hard it was for them even with me trying my best to help them and lift them up.

 

May I ask what steps have you taken to address the depression, the consequences of the break-up, ... ? Maybe if we talk about this, we can all give you our advice, suggest books, what we did to help ourselves,.... Also there are special sites on the internet with great advice (I know when I was looking at online, trying to educate myself to better help my ex gf,...).

 

Btw, I think it's very admirable that you left him in NC for two months and didn't break until he forced himself upon you! I'm very proud of you!

 

And like others have said:

- change your phone number (it made me feel a lot better and in control)

- tell it only to your friends that you trust, and tell them to not give it to ANYONE

- get off facebook for some time, so he won't be able to contact you there via a fake profile etc.

- think about changing your e-mail (unless you need it to stay the same due to work reasons etc.).

- tell your friends to not mention him to you, to do their best to make sure you don't hear, see, ... , from/about him.

- make new friends, where you can start with a clean sheet

 

All these things gave me back a lot of feeling of being in power, of being in control of what happens with me. Perhaps you are different than I am and sth else will help you more.

 

I look forward to hearing more from you, I hope you are finding our posts helpful! Don't hesitate to write!

 

Best wishes:bunny:

[iouaname]

Thank you so much for the support, everyone!

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this! What he's doing is, IMO, emotional abuse&manipulation and certainly repulsive behaviour.

 

He has, because of his deep issues&defense mechanisms, the need to bring you down and make you feel and look in his eyes, like you've said, as worthless, crazy, ... That way, he can try to convince himself that he's great & that you're the problem, even though he subconsciously knows that he has issues, and that's what driving him to further try to humiliate you. The more he'll push against you, the more he's doing it because on some level he knows how many issues he has. Just another reason it's great that you're no longer with him...

 

I think that that is what has made it so tough for me! The way he talks to me, he makes it seem like he is doing nothing wrong and that all of this is me putting my emotional baggage on him.

 

May I ask what steps have you taken to address the depression, the consequences of the break-up, ... ? Maybe if we talk about this, we can all give you our advice, suggest books, what we did to help ourselves,.... Also there are special sites on the internet with great advice (I know when I was looking at online, trying to educate myself to better help my ex gf,...).

 

- I've been posting here, seeking support from people with experience.

- I've gone to the counseling center, so I've been seeing a therapist as well as the director (because I believe that the center is concerned that I might be a suicide risk), and a psychiatrist who has prescribed medication to help with the depression and the anxiety.

- I have reached out to a lot of family members and friends for support, and have tried to be more social here at school.

- I've been doing the best that I can (although I have lost a lot of focus due to this recent development) to do well in school and to get through the semester.

 

at this point, I am willing to change my phone # and block his email address. We only have one mutual friend who I trust enough to talk to.

 

I guess that I look to him for validation. I don't want to be turned into the crazy ex in his mind, I wanted to walk away from this with dignity and instead it feels like no matter what I do, I'm always crazy/manipulative/a burden/unhealthy. I'm so angry at him because I feel it is entirely his fault that it has devolved to this. Yes, I could have made better decisions as well but I was never cruel to him the way that he has been to me.

 

I just need to know that it gets better. That some day I can stop caring what he thinks about me, and that I'll be happy again and not constantly struggling through this...

[iouaname]

I just don't know how this happened. I don't know how someone I gave my all to, someone who I used to be so close with, could just turn around and be like "YEAH WELL RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE :mad:" and behave in such a cruel way towards me. I have done my best to deal with this with dignity and to keep my composure despite the anxiety and depression but he doesn't even give me the chance... and now I feel like I'm in a constant state of trying to be happy with myself and trying to not be 'that crazy ex' to him.

 

I just feel so low

[Infnitysign]

I just don't know how this happened. I don't know how someone I gave my all to, someone who I used to be so close with, could just turn around and be like "YEAH WELL RELATIONSHIPS CHANGE :mad:" and behave in such a cruel way towards me. I have done my best to deal with this with dignity and to keep my composure despite the anxiety and depression but he doesn't even give me the chance... and now I feel like I'm in a constant state of trying to be happy with myself and trying to not be 'that crazy ex' to him.

 

I just feel so low

 

Grab life by the horns and be happy for yourself. You are a adult and someone else's love can not be something you live for. You are a human being and being dependent on one person love will never heal how they hurt you.

 

Don't give them the power to make you feel misserable when everyday is a blessing to be alive and experience new things everyday.

 

I had a friend(a girl) that was always abused by her boyfriend physically and mentally and she never took my advice and she can never see how she can live without him. She used to cut and starve herself all the time and then I made a list of all the bad things her boyfriend did to her and I forced her into an intervention and her older brothers found out and beat the crap out of her ex boyfriend and now she see's that family can probably be the best support and healing system.

 

Make a list of all the things he did or said to you that made you feel like crap and put it somewhere you can see everyday either on the frig or on the front door as you walk out of the house.

[cavalier99]

Sorry gal. Hang in there. Youll be fine this will just be more fuel to move on.

 

Id change your number and block his email. No good will come of any more contact. He sounds like he really behaved like an a hole. Hell probably want to appoligise. Dont give him the chance.

 

Stay NC until indifferent. Cav

[fancy feast]

and trying to not be 'that crazy ex' to him.

 

I think he already filled that role himself.

 

Try not to feel down about this. He blew up your phone, pulled the creepo move and dialed from an unknown number, then lost it when you stood up for yourself. Weak sh*t.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi. I was about to post my reply when I figured out it was more than 5 pages long:) Since I don't want to take up all this space on the thread and potentially discourage further replies, I'll send it to you in a private message (or two:laugh:). Hope it will help!

 

And yes, I strongly agree with what others have said!

[Mack05]

Iouaname I am a big fan of NC, but sometimes I feel it doesn't have to be always the rule. Clearly you are rebuilding yourself. Kudos to you for that. Clearly this has been a set back, but it doesn't have to be.

 

The mind when used negatively is very debilitating. I mean your psyche shouldn't be telling you he has your power. Sometimes you need to reaffirm things with yourself. You can get your power back without having to talk to him BUT....

 

There is nothing worse then being blindsided. You get screamed at and when it's over you feel in a state of shock. You can think of a million rebuttals now, but at the time you are so in shock either nothing comes out of you mouth or the wrong thing comes out of your mouth.

 

Many will disagree with this. That's cool. I like to think outside of the box sometimes, but why don't you send him the following mail/text.

 

"The last time we spoke you make it very clear you needed space. Not only will I give you space, you will NEVER hear from me again. I won't let any person to speak to me that way. Who do you think you are? After all, wasn't it you that rang me first on the weekend? Or in your deluded mind did you just forget that fact? If you hadn't called, I would never have bothered you again. I realized that I am far happier without you in my life.

 

I only called because unlike you, I am a caring genuine person. All I wanted was for us both to move on in peace and goodwill. Instead, I have to listen to your angry bile. Lesson learnt. Never again. I wouldn't take you back if you were the last man on the planet. Enjoy your space, now never contact me again. Goodbye"

 

If he replies you auto delete without reading. Power back

Edited April 11, 2013 by Mack05

[MovingOn2013]

I went NC with my ex, and he continually attempted to get in touch with me. Then he called me this weekend from an unidentified number and it sent me into a huge tailspin when I spoke to him. The tailspin has lasted almost all week, but tonight took the cake. I contacted him (I know I know), which I know was a mistake, to apologize for my half of the weekend and to just leave it off on a good note that we need space. Instead, he decided to scream at me and tell me that I am too much pressure for him and he needs to be able to go out and enjoy himself without me being a bother to him (I mean, seriously? I haven't spoke to you in TWO MONTHS before this weekend )

 

He embarrassed me, humiliated me, made me feel worthless and dejected and crazy, told me we had an unhealthy relationship and that he needed to take space for him and that I needed to just give him space.

 

Now I'm the one that needs to be taken space from? When I've been no contact with you for months and YOU reached out to me underhandedly?

 

This is the lowest I've ever felt in my life.

 

 

Ever thought he might be a narc/bdp hun?

 

He's the crazy one, not you

[iouaname]

Thanks again for all of the support, everyone! I am in some emotional distress right now so I can't think clearly, but I appreciate the support. I am reaching out to many people for support at this time. I am determined to get through it...

 

Mack05 - I will sit on the idea. Right now I just feel like I am too emotionally volatile to make any decisions. I am not sure if he will attempt to reach out and apologize. It's hard to say. Now that the situation has caused HIM emotional distress, I think he'll back away.

 

MovingOn - no, unfortunately I don't see him as bipolar or narcissistic. I let others off-the-hook for their behavior very easily, while simultaneously am very hard on myself. I look at what has gone down between him and I and all I see are my mistakes, and all of the bad things he has done are in response to my mistakes. And no, he is not the type to take responsibility for his faults while I am the type to be over-apologetic about my faults.

 

Calvin - thank you so much for the thought out PM! Once I get a bit of a clearer head (I have not eaten in three days due to all of this), I will respond. I'd love for you to continue posting here as well! You have a lot of great insight.

 

 

 

Right now I just feel like my life is becoming an Alanis Morissette album, and this happened at the worst possible time because I have an overload of school work that I need to be focusing on.

[iouaname]

Bit of an update... I reached out to a once mutual friend (my ex and this friend had a huge falling out because my ex is an ass, as you can tell.) Anyway he was comforting me, and told me that I was lucky because apparently my ex had cheated on me and was going on dates for the first few months of our relationship

 

How do I even process this information? I don't even feel anything. I'm just numb. Should I be angry? Upset? Vengeful?

Edited April 11, 2013 by iouaname

[TaraMaiden]

Ah.

That puts a whole new perspective on the psycho's behaviour.

 

he's a prize wanker.

 

Honey - what are you doing??

 

You contacted him for no reason at all, really, didn't you?

 

Oh dear.....

Talk about sticking pins in your eyes and flossing your nose with razor wire....

 

Sweetheart - ENOUGH.

This is self-inflicted anxiety.

You really need to change your number and if it comes to it, move state!!

 

It saddens me, truly, to see you go through this.

 

You wrote me a long PM - I thought you were getting a handle on this??

 

Iouaname I am a big fan of NC, but sometimes I feel it doesn't have to be always the rule.

 

Yes - it does.

 

YES - IT DOES.

 

In THIS case, more than most - it absolutely most definitely DOES.

[iouaname]

Ah.

That puts a whole new perspective on the psycho's behaviour.

 

he's a prize wanker.

 

What? I don't know what that means?

 

You contacted him for no reason at all, really, didn't you?

 

Oh dear.....

Talk about sticking pins in your eyes and flossing your nose with razor wire....

 

Sweetheart - ENOUGH.

This is self-inflicted anxiety.

You really need to change your number and if it comes to it, move state!!

No, not at all! I did not contact him, he contacted ME. Or do you mean afterward? Yes, his contacting me went horribly and I called him back to apologize and be adult and leave it civil, and then he freaked out on me. Then he called me twice at 3am. This was all AFTER he reached out to me though and began the cycle, I did not contact him first if that is what you are implying.

 

 

You wrote me a long PM - I thought you were getting a handle on this??

I was attempting. I made the mistake of thinking that I could go no contact with this man and do it in a civil and mutual manner, because I felt as though when I tried to do it on my own - he would not take the hint. Maybe I made a mistake in doing this but it was pure intentioned, I swear.

[TaraMaiden]

What? I don't know what that means?

 

The definitions are actually not strong enough in their meaning. It means so much more, and deeper....

 

No, not at all! I did not contact him, he contacted ME. Or do you mean afterward? Yes, his contacting me went horribly and I called him back to apologize and be adult and leave it civil,

 

There was absolutely no need for you to do this at all. HE did not deserve an apology form you - if anything, he is the one who should have apologised for using a nasty trick to get you to reply - calling from an unknown number!!!

 

Change your number.

It's vital you do this, now.....

[iouaname]

There was absolutely no need for you to do this at all. HE did not deserve an apology form you - if anything, he is the one who should have apologised for using a nasty trick to get you to reply - calling from an unknown number!!!

 

You're right, I guess that just goes back to my need for validation and my tendency to forgive others easily but not forgive myself. I don't know if you'll care or believe me - but finding all of this out and being treated this way has made me despise the man. I do not want him back in any fashion, I do not want him as a friend now or in the future, and I don't want to hear from him.

At this point I think I just have to turn my "bitch" mode on and stop being the nice gal who gets walked all over...

[iouaname]

Feeling a bit better tonight. Me and all of my roommates spent the night playing some games and chatting and trying to keep me distracted! This has been such an emotional drain on me. I have never in my life been told that I am a burden on someone and I don't know how to react.

 

This guy first told me he wanted to marry me one day, then broke up with me but told me he wanted to stay friends, then told me that he wanted to just 'be there for me' when I needed him, and then decided now that I am emotional drain and he can't handle me. Even though I have desperately avoided him for two months Ugh.

[TaraMaiden]

OK, enough now.

 

You have to stop going over all this crap. Hashing and re-hashing old news....

 

"He said this, he said that, he said the other, this is the guy who promised, this is the jerk who proposed...."

 

Jeesh!! It's all blah-blah-blah and you're just filling your head with mess!!

 

The problem is you're over-thinking and re-living which does two things.

It makes you depressed and keeps you stuck in the past.

 

you have to stop it.

For two reasons:

 

One, it doesn't matter any more. It's over. Done., Everything that was said is redundant and superfluous, irrelevant and pointless.

 

Two, Actions, my dear. Actions.

Speak louder than words.

 

His words were sugar-sweet.

His actions were utter poison.

 

Quit focusing on everything he assured you of, and start looking ahead, not behind.

Otherwise, all you're doing, is kicking yourself in the behind, and not moving forward.

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi.

 

Wow! Sadly I'm not surprised. When I was reading your posts earlier, a part of me was thinking that I wouldn't be surprised if he had cheated on you. Not because you wouldn't be a good girlfriend (I've already said that I admire many things about you), but because of his personal problems&behaviour. He reminds me of my ex, who had cheated on me.

 

In a way, I hope this will help you get over him quicker. Cheating & lying is something really horrible, and I hope this will be the final straw to show you how better you are without him and how bad he was.

 

I think my ex gf cheating&lying was the thing that eventually helped me the most to get over her&not want to be with her ever again. I realized that I could never forgive&forget, that I'd never trust her again enough to get married to her etc., and that I never could be happy again if we got back together. She had hurt and humiliated and betrayed me too much.

 

And I realised I probably could never be "friends" with her, even in 10, 15 years. I cannot maintain any kind of personal relationship with someone who has lied,..., to me so much.

 

It is painful now for you, I understand, and it will take some time for you to process this, but I hope it will help you get over him more quickly.

 

And yes, allow yourself a period of time to be angry, furious, hurt, ... , because of this, get it out of your system. And in time it will be easier for you to get over him. But don't hold on to the pain for too long like I did.

 

Hang in there, I wish you all the best! Hope my advice from the PM will help! If you want to talk, we're here for you.

 

Best wishes!