zevahc Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I know it's rehashing what so many have already written, but it's therapeutic to get my thoughts down. This seemed like the place to do it. I'm about to hit 2 years soon in my situation. Oddly, I went through this circumstance myself 10 years ago and I was the spouse at the time who, when I found out my wife was having an affair was heartbroken. We had a 1 year old together and I was devastated. Never in a million years did I think I'd be the other man. It caught me by surprise. Started as a great friendship, and then boundaries were crossed. It has always been a great friendship, and my only regret (even though I can't say with an honest heart that it's all regret) is that it went further. I never though I'd be okay with my actions. I could go on and on about how she and I are soulmates and how she wishes things were different. I truly believe she does, but I DON'T think it'll ever change because I don't think she has the strength or will to break her marriage. And I don't blame her. I don't want our relationship to start out of that situation. I know wrong from right and I'm in the wrong...as is she. Hard part is I wish we could find a way to continue friendship without a hard break of no communication. I'm just not sure it's possible. I don't consider myself an honest option until she deals with her own issues and demons....nor do I want to be the escape or choice in that way. I feel bad only because I've been the hurt spouse before....but I'll never say I regret loving her or finding the special person. It's helped me in many ways in my own recovery...whether viewed wrong or right. Just taking these next steps is so hard...but I know what I need to do.
Lillyfree Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 In my experience men do not like to have a romance with women that sleep with other men. How do you feel about that? in my experience, women don't either 3
TheOW Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 So what Pierre ?? Most relationships regardless if they are A or not start the bloody same!! Give the man advice and stop giving yourself external validation he doesn't want to hear your "this has been told a million times" crap 3
TheOW Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Zebra Hard cold truth if you continue you will be caught I was and I never thought I would be. Although my circumstance worked out best for myself the hurt, hatred and pain was not worth it. 2 options stay or go - that's it. 1
skywriter Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 zevahc, I know it's rehashing what so many have already written, but it's therapeutic to get my thoughts down. Hello and welcome Z! I understand about writting down your thoughts, I did the same when I began to break away from my AP. I would write emails to my AP and save them so I could read them periodically. I'd go back after a while and reread to gage my progress, or remind myself of reasons not to make contact. It helped alot. As for you having gone through the same situation 10 yrs prior with your exW. I've said, never, say never on LS in the past to be told, "but I know, I'd never...." I do understand that, because anyone who's never been through having an A, would be expected to be a naysayer. On the subject of continuing the friendship....Ay yi yi,....good luck pulling that off. I can only give testimony to what worked for me after ending a full blown A that lasted for 2 months shy of 6 yrs. I suppose for myself, the anger and disappointment, that I experienced was a driving force to stay NC . For me, NC, starts another emotional rollercoaster, but if you can stay on it, eventually it subside. I wish you the best of luck to do whatever you feel you need to. 1
DelusionalOne Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hi Zevahc I could have written your post almost word for word. I was the BS (a couple times over) long before I was the OW. Like you, never in a million years did I expect to find myself in the OW/MM situation. Like you, we had a great friendship that crossed boundaries. For whatever reason, I could not bring myself to allow it to turn into a PA, not that it matters, EA’s can be equally as intense and the feelings just as strong. My guess is, like me, you probably saw the whole thing happening and just didn’t care that it was because it felt so "right". I understand completely, the whole soulmate thing and wishing things were different and how all of this helped in your recovery of being the BS. And I know that every day you are in it, you realize that it isn’t right. But, unlike you, I know what happens at the end. 2.5 months out of mine. You will eventually have a D-Day. Whether it is on her part or yours. You will regret loving her because the pain is going to be so intense that you will wish you never met her. You will not be able to be friends. You will not be able to even talk with each other because 1. It will either prolong the hurt, or 2. You will fall back into the relationship and start the cycle all over again. You will be crushed and devastated because not only will you lose your lover, you will lose your best friend. All of this is hard to see right now because you are currently still involved. I also know, neither one of you are going to end it until you get caught. That can be today, tomorrow or a year from now…. But when it happens it is going to happen suddenly and it is going to be devastating. Because I know you or her is not going to make a decision to just end it, I am going to say this (and I don’t care if half the board rips me apart about it, because at least I am being honest)….. Enjoy the ride while it lasts. Cherish every moment. Because when it ends, and it will, you my friend are in for a boatload of pain. 1
Author zevahc Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 In my experience men do not like to have a romance with women that sleep with other men. How do you feel about that? You're right, I don't like it...but I guess I approach it through a different glass knowing that the situation in general isn't normal. When it first began I don't think they regularly were...(i may be naive). I've always known they did, but I think it was sparse due to lacking in the relationship in general. In other words...what can I really do. I have two choices...be in it or not...and walk away. But no..i don't like it, but I also don't give ultimatums...if she's with me I want it to be because she chooses... Like I said I don't see myself as a choice. I think she has to give her marriage a legitimate shot or work....that's the issue. Right now I don't believe she is...not with me in the picture. I feel like I have to walk away...and I'm trying day by day. If 6 months or a year down the road she's in a different place...then maybe we can be. If she isn't...i want to be happy for her. It doesn't make the pain any less real. It hurts every day, and I love this girl. But I also don't want to do any more damage to myself...or a marriage. I don't truly believe their marriage will ever be great because they lack communication. It's the only advice I give her is to go see a counselor with him and alone and work on that...if they fix it great...if they don't...well, then at least they tried. I know that seems like me throwing in the towel. But it's not...i want what's best for me also...and doing it any other way isn't best. I know that because I went through this 10 years ago.....problems don't go away...they need to be addressed. Nonetheless my heart breaks each day.....i do love her.
Author zevahc Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I do appreciate the feedback. I don't get offended. I know I'm wrong...doesn't make the feelings any less real. I'm just trying to deal one step at a time. And DelusionalOne...i think I've always known you are right...that's what scares me so much...i don't want it to end that way if I can cut it off now and maybe...somehow maybe resolve even an average friendship down the road. Funny thing is...she thinks her hubby suspects something but just doesn't care...that's one of their major issues...he doesn't seem to care, won't confront her...has even said...if he they could go back in time he wouldn't marry her again. I think they are "roommates" from everything I gather and his background makes him somewhat distant from his parents model.... Again, not trying to rationalize....just saying this is what I gather.
DelusionalOne Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I do appreciate the feedback. I don't get offended. I know I'm wrong...doesn't make the feelings any less real. I'm just trying to deal one step at a time. And DelusionalOne...i think I've always known you are right...that's what scares me so much...i don't want it to end that way if I can cut it off now and maybe...somehow maybe resolve even an average friendship down the road. Funny thing is...she thinks her hubby suspects something but just doesn't care...that's one of their major issues...he doesn't seem to care, won't confront her...has even said...if he they could go back in time he wouldn't marry her again. I think they are "roommates" from everything I gather and his background makes him somewhat distant from his parents model.... Again, not trying to rationalize....just saying this is what I gather. When my xMM started perusing me... I told my H about it every day. He didn't seem to care at all. I'm also sure my H knew about my EA, never confronted me, never seemed to care. I guess I really understand from both sides if your situation. I know you want to remain friends because she feels like you best friend... You have no idea how hard that is going to be. I walked away from my EA 2x before the d-day happened. We tried to be friends... Still talk... Each time we cycled back into an EA that was more intense then the one previous. The only thing that seems to be working now is strict NC. He has thrown me breadcrumb feelers but I do not respond to them. I do not check up on him on any kind of social media and I have deleted all his info. It is not easy. Almost 3 months later I still love him more than I have ever loved any man. I'm just learning to live with it and move on. It's a no win situation for anyone. 3
whichwayisup Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Funny thing is...she thinks her hubby suspects something but just doesn't care...that's one of their major issues...he doesn't seem to care, won't confront her...has even said...if he they could go back in time he wouldn't marry her again. I think they are "roommates" from everything I gather and his background makes him somewhat distant from his parents model.... So this is her telling you this? You've not heard him directly say the above, right? Sorry, but if ANY husband said that to their wives, most husbands would be out on their ass. That one line more or less can end a marriage completely. I do not believe for one second that he's said that to her. Seems she's rewriting some marital history and greatly exaggerating who he is and putting herself in a better light in your eyes by making him the bad guy. WHAT is stopping HER from ending her marriage if things are that bad? Think about this, k. She is saying not so nice stuff about her H to you so she'll look more like a victim in all this. 1
psm04 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hard part is I wish we could find a way to continue friendship without a hard break of no communication. I'm just not sure it's possible. I don't consider myself an honest option until she deals with her own issues and demons....nor do I want to be the escape or choice in that way. I feel bad only because I've been the hurt spouse before....but I'll never say I regret loving her or finding the special person. It's helped me in many ways in my own recovery...whether viewed wrong or right. Just taking these next steps is so hard...but I know what I need to do. Hi, from what you are describing about your feelings, it probably won't be possible to stay friends without you feeling heartbroken all the time. Trust me, I just made that hard decision myself a few weeks ago with my xOMM. We could never be friends. It sucks, and you will feel like you have lost an important part of your daily routine (the chatting etc), but in the long run, it will be better for your emotional health. I didn't think that I could actually stop talking to him, but now that we are going through NC (about a month now), I know that I could never go back to that emotional rollercoaster. Hopefully she will deal with her issues and demons, like you said. And if you truly are soulmates, she will see that, but you guys probably need to be separated in order for her to see things clearly.
Author zevahc Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 I think you are all right and I truly do appreciate the insights. They aren't honestly anything I'm unaware of or having thought of but in a strange way it helps to hear from others and validate my own thoughts. I'm an insanely analytical person which makes this all that much harder. Do I think she embellishes? Probably...I do however think they have those conversations...and that while he may have said he wouldn't remarry her.....she probably said something also. I don't think it was meant in a mean conversation from what she told me, but I think they both took jabs trying to act like they didn't care that much and have the "control" if you will. All in all I know decisions in her life can't be made with me in the picture...and none of this has been good for my EH. One question...do I talk to her and tell her I'm cutting it off completely...even the EA, or do I just do it? Talking about it almost seems pointless at this point...I think actions speak louder than words. I've quit (for a few weeks now) telling her my feelings and I've noticed same. I don't think she likes it and I think it's obvious....but I think maybe the actions present enough of the attitude that I "won't be bitter", but I have to move on. I want to be cordial...and to be the best of my ability be a friend from a distance...but not have the continued emotional torment. I guess it's baby steps...with a strict set of boundaries.
chaser0195 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 zevahc;4786182]I think you are all right and I truly do appreciate the insights. They aren't honestly anything I'm unaware of or having thought of but in a strange way it helps to hear from others and validate my own thoughts. I'm an insanely analytical person which makes this all that much harder. Do I think she embellishes? Probably...I do however think they have those conversations...and that while he may have said he wouldn't remarry her.....she probably said something also. I don't think it was meant in a mean conversation from what she told me, but I think they both took jabs trying to act like they didn't care that much and have the "control" if you will. All in all I know decisions in her life can't be made with me in the picture...and none of this has been good for my EH. One question...do I talk to her and tell her I'm cutting it off completely...even the EA, or do I just do it? Talking about it almost seems pointless at this point...I think actions speak louder than words. I've quit (for a few weeks now) telling her my feelings and I've noticed same. I don't think she likes it and I think it's obvious....but I think maybe the actions present enough of the attitude that I "won't be bitter", but I have to move on. I want to be cordial...and to be the best of my ability be a friend from a distance...but not have the continued emotional torment. I guess it's baby steps...with a strict set of boundaries I personally think you should tell her. Cutting her off seems kind of cruel. I would want to hear the words " It's over" if it were me. Just the same in normal relationships. It's mean to end it by "ignoring" someone. Plus it leaves the dumpee a glimmer of hope.
DelusionalOne Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 JMHO. If the situation were reversed, how would you want her to handle it? I think the band aid approach is best... Drawing it out and gradually going distant is agonizing and painful. Then someone has a "crisis" and you're there for support and you get sucked back in. When you start to realize you are losing something....human nature is to grasp on harder. If you are determine to end it. Tell her. Don't just fade away to nothing. that is hurtful. Quick and clean. Tell her you need to go NC for the benefit of both of you. I don't know how long you would have to NC before you could be friends... If ever. I don't envy you. I know what's coming and it sucks. Best of luck what ever you do. 1
psm04 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I agree with the others about letting her know what you are going to be doing vs just disappearing. It will give you closure too. Plus, you won't have to deal with texts/emails on where you went or why you aren't talking, etc. It will be clear to her. Just like what DelusionalOne asked, what would you want her to do? I'd think that you would want her to tell you. Most people would want it that way.
psm04 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Of course a clever MOW will say she is about to strat divorce proceedings and keep him on the hook. If she truly loves him though, she will see how hurt he is, and will let him do what he needs to do. Also, if she does start divorce proceedings, that may not necessarily mean that she is lying about that to keep him on the hook. Not all MOPs are bad!! Not all of us are out to get someone or to "keep the other person on the hook". 1
RickFox Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 Hi Zevahc I could have written your post almost word for word. I was the BS (a couple times over) long before I was the OW. Like you, never in a million years did I expect to find myself in the OW/MM situation. Like you, we had a great friendship that crossed boundaries. For whatever reason, I could not bring myself to allow it to turn into a PA, not that it matters, EA’s can be equally as intense and the feelings just as strong. My guess is, like me, you probably saw the whole thing happening and just didn’t care that it was because it felt so "right". I understand completely, the whole soulmate thing and wishing things were different and how all of this helped in your recovery of being the BS. And I know that every day you are in it, you realize that it isn’t right. But, unlike you, I know what happens at the end. 2.5 months out of mine. You will eventually have a D-Day. Whether it is on her part or yours. You will regret loving her because the pain is going to be so intense that you will wish you never met her. You will not be able to be friends. You will not be able to even talk with each other because 1. It will either prolong the hurt, or 2. You will fall back into the relationship and start the cycle all over again. You will be crushed and devastated because not only will you lose your lover, you will lose your best friend. All of this is hard to see right now because you are currently still involved. I also know, neither one of you are going to end it until you get caught. That can be today, tomorrow or a year from now…. But when it happens it is going to happen suddenly and it is going to be devastating. Because I know you or her is not going to make a decision to just end it, I am going to say this (and I don’t care if half the board rips me apart about it, because at least I am being honest)….. Enjoy the ride while it lasts. Cherish every moment. Because when it ends, and it will, you my friend are in for a boatload of pain. Wow. Spot freaking on!
Author zevahc Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 Thank you again everyone. I do tend to agree I should say something in an email, or even face to face. Communication is NOT an issue I have. I guess sometimes I feel like because she is having her cake and eating it too she perhaps doesn't give me the dignity of communication. The reason I considered fading away is only because I feel like actions of friendship are about demonstrating a change...not crossing the boundaries in inappropriate communication etc...and instead of being bitter or dragging emotions through the mud, just letting it die. Perhaps you are all right in that she won't see it that way. Maybe she will wonder. Face to face is probably best with at least a clean break for some time. All in all that was originally what I think needs to happen. It's what I thought about before even my first post.
Recommended Posts