McDonald Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 hey LS So I have been doing fine alone. Doing fine without my ex in my life. Last quarter I thought I would do terrible in school because she was always pushing me to work hard. Staying up late with me while I finished essays. Made sure i was studying in the library etc. But what do you know? After a terrible start to the quarter, I got the best grades yet!!!!! lol I guess I will actually do better school wise without her. Im going out with my friends now every weekend. Going to parties, etc. I got two phone numbers on sat from two different girls. Had two girls in my room, though nothing happened , but still!!! Im leaving the bubble I put myself in after the break up and better yet, leaving the bubble that I have had all my life. Discovering myself has been the goal right now. Its no longer getting her back, but the goal is to find me. Yet, when I do run into her, I get that chill feeling and my heart drops into my stomach. It still hurts a bit to see her laughing with others, to see her walking with this other guys arm over her. It hurts because it used to be me. But at least everyday I see more and more on how over it really is and how wrong what she did to me was. It makes me feel empty, especially when she just glances at me and then looks away. like what did I do wrong? it should be me looking away!!!!! SO huge improvements have been made... I just want to stop feeling shocked when I see her.
Toddbt12y1 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 (edited) My last post, and I will use it on you. I am glad you are making improvements. Perhaps in time, as you find yourself, more and more(isn't life always a journey?), you will find it possible to never be hurt by even seeing her again. When she looks at you, you will not be hurt. You will have your power back in full. Life requires people to step-out of their bubble; some do and some do not(sometimes to their own peril). As life was meant to be lived, and journeyed. Sure, coming outside of the protection of a bubble, offers us fears; like we might be hurt. Perhaps even rejected. It also offers adventure. Memories are developed in adventures you have taken, past and present, and soon-to-be future, which will be your present and past. You discover new likes. You discover plenty of women...and eventually, one who stands apart from the rest - past and present. Through this, you begin to find excitement in things you never expect; new joys rise from the ashes of old sorrows. When you do find that girl, who stands apart. She will have the eyes of an angel; a moral temperment, that will not fall to the same schemes this old one has. Who will love you, and hang on every word you say. Even her words will be like gold in your ears. Her face like platniumn before your eyes. In this, you may discover real love. The past, though not erased. Will not seem important. Things like cars, money, houses, and all these good things(and they are good), will pale in comparision. With a real lover, you will have more fulfillment in them. On top of this, you will be an educated man. Well capable of taking care of a future family. The prospects can only look-up; even though dark times may come and go. Losses may still be on the horizon; you will prevail. Step out of your bubble indeed: Discover life, indeed. Beware and cautious of bad things, and never allow yourself to step into such a waste. Life will be good in the end. For all things can be fulfilled with the right partner, one who helps you to be more fulfilled then any treasure. With that, good-luck. (I hope your future is a good one!!) Edited April 11, 2013 by Toddbt12y1 4
Author McDonald Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 toddbt12y1, You have some of the best advice. What you say, and how You say it, feels like I should be paying you for this. The bubble, is something I have been trying to leave for years. I thought I was when I met this girl. Yet, I realize I was only surpreasing it. Now, without her, I can see clearly my life. I can reflect on how it has been. What I want to change. College, the perfect time to be who you want to be, and I let the first year pass by. Sure the memories with her were great. Yet, it is time to move on. To forgive her. To not get angry when I see them together. To smile at what was, and be grateful for what the rest of my life has in store. I'm young, and have a lot to learn, but boy have I learned so much in these past months. 2
Author McDonald Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 so i am starting to spin in circles again. It must be the weekend. All the downtime. But for some reason I just want to tell her that I "miss her"-- probably to illicit some response from her which wouldnt be what i would want. But like what the hell. I dont even know IF I do miss her. I dont think I do. I think I just miss having that person around. having someone with you. to text you right before bed, to text you when you wake up. Sadly wanting that,... makes me want her. At least its no longer a need because I have been talking to a large amount of girls these past weekends.
Author McDonald Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 So I think one of my problems is that I'm putting too much pressure on finding a new girl. Even if its a hookup. It's been about 4 months since the last time I had sex. And it's making me crazy lol. But I feel bad when I don't "get" someone for the night. Idk why I'm thinkin like that.
Author McDonald Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Looked at her fb. Crap why? You know that friends list above the "other friends online" the people who you talk to the most go there I guess. well she is usually there. And I dont check her FB anymore. But when i went online today, I didnt see her name on that list. usually, its there if she is logged on or not. If she isnt, it just says the last time she was logged on. So what did I think? I thought she blocked me after all this. 4 months alter and she blocks me now? So I typed her name in and went to her page and it said we were still friends... but then dun dun dun... Im on her page for the first time in months and what do I do? look through the new pics of her. Didnt really send me back. I just felt a little shocked... hurt maybe... but not defeated. In the end......Im my own downfall.
Am4Real Posted April 13, 2013 Posted April 13, 2013 Be careful of what you learn on FB -- the dreaded evil it is!! Looked at her fb. Crap why? You know that friends list above the "other friends online" the people who you talk to the most go there I guess. well she is usually there. And I dont check her FB anymore. But when i went online today, I didnt see her name on that list. usually, its there if she is logged on or not. If she isnt, it just says the last time she was logged on. So what did I think? I thought she blocked me after all this. 4 months alter and she blocks me now? So I typed her name in and went to her page and it said we were still friends... but then dun dun dun... Im on her page for the first time in months and what do I do? look through the new pics of her. Didnt really send me back. I just felt a little shocked... hurt maybe... but not defeated. In the end......Im my own downfall.
Author McDonald Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Be careful of what you learn on FB -- the dreaded evil it is!! It is the evilest. Especially at the beginning of the BU when she would post pics of the new guy. that time has passed though. yet, there is still pain.
Author McDonald Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Im spinning backwards fast... hitting the ground hard. Mayday mayday MAYDAY! I just re read all the old fb chats.. from he Ill be with you forever bullcrap to the BU. What the hell happened. WHY AM I RELIVING THIS
Author McDonald Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Okay. Now I can't sleep. What a long day. Funny how these things happen. It's all me. Not her. I'm the one doing this. She's out of the equation now. So why can't I just be done with it?
cavalier99 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Wow all that happened because you didnt see her little icon on FB. Lol It all made perfect sense to me....The human mind is amazing! Stop doing this do yourself! Cav ps i saw latina girl for the 3rd night straight! Almost go laid in my car in packed parking lot. We sure put on a show: lol She is wild! No thoughts of ex at all. Wooo hoooo!
Author McDonald Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Wow all that happened because you didnt see her little icon on FB. Lol It all made perfect sense to me....The human mind is amazing! Stop doing this do yourself! Cav ps i saw latina girl for the 3rd night straight! Almost go laid in my car in packed parking lot. We sure put on a show: lol She is wild! No thoughts of ex at all. Wooo hoooo! Yea. All because of the little Facebook icon. And funny thing is after looking at her account I refreshed fb and it was there. So a dumb glitch by Facebook sent me spiraling down. You know, I think I'm very close to being indifferent ... But I'm stopping myself from reaching that. Like, I'm purposely keeping her in my life... If that include pain then it seems so be it. I know, stupid right? Nice cav. You seem pretty into this Latina chick. Good for you. I feel like a big part if this for me is to find another girl. Maybe even a one night stand.
GB25 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Yea. All because of the little Facebook icon. And funny thing is after looking at her account I refreshed fb and it was there. So a dumb glitch by Facebook sent me spiraling down. You know, I think I'm very close to being indifferent ... But I'm stopping myself from reaching that. Like, I'm purposely keeping her in my life... If that include pain then it seems so be it. I know, stupid right? Nice cav. You seem pretty into this Latina chick. Good for you. I feel like a big part if this for me is to find another girl. Maybe even a one night stand. Mcdonald I hear you loud and clear on that point. I am really close to being indiffernt also and its almost like youre brain senses that and then we do something to keep them in the present instead of the past where they belong.
Am4Real Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Don't destroy another persons hopes and dreams in trying to help you be over your own pain. It's not fair to her unless you fully disclose the circumstances you are working through -- that makes the choice hers -- and the risk of getting involved with you all hers as well. Yea. All because of the little Facebook icon. And funny thing is after looking at her account I refreshed fb and it was there. So a dumb glitch by Facebook sent me spiraling down. You know, I think I'm very close to being indifferent ... But I'm stopping myself from reaching that. Like, I'm purposely keeping her in my life... If that include pain then it seems so be it. I know, stupid right? Nice cav. You seem pretty into this Latina chick. Good for you. I feel like a big part if this for me is to find another girl. Maybe even a one night stand. 1
Author McDonald Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Mcdonald I hear you loud and clear on that point. I am really close to being indiffernt also and its almost like youre brain senses that and then we do something to keep them in the present instead of the past where they belong. Yea. Its like afraid to move on. To say alright Im done with it. But it's time @Am: I have no intention on leading anyone on.
GB25 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Yea. Its like afraid to move on. To say alright Im done with it. But it's time @Am: I have no intention on leading anyone on. It really really is time..I am done with this and I mean that with my whole heart. Its time to move on. Ive been sad for too long over a girl who is not worth it.
Author McDonald Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Funny how I say that I'm done with it. But I'm allowin the thoughts to stay in my head. Actually no, I think at this point, I'm creating the thoughts. Because really she isn't in my head anymore. It's not consistent thoughts. But now it's like in thinking "holy crap. I'm not thinking about her. So I'm moving on?" Then I get afraid.... Because its me letting go finally. So I put thoughts in my head to hold back on. I know. Sounds crazy...
GB25 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 (edited) Funny how I say that I'm done with it. But I'm allowin the thoughts to stay in my head. Actually no, I think at this point, I'm creating the thoughts. Because really she isn't in my head anymore. It's not consistent thoughts. But now it's like in thinking "holy crap. I'm not thinking about her. So I'm moving on?" Then I get afraid.... Because its me letting go finally. So I put thoughts in my head to hold back on. I know. Sounds crazy... I brought this idea up to my therapist who is actually a doctor in psychology, and its not crazy at all as I suffer from this as well. Basically to make this as simple as possible grief has become you're best friend. Its been a part of you since the BU and has not left you're side. Yes, sometimes you forget when youre with youre buddies or doing something but at the end of the day our old pal grief is right there with us. That connection to grief is your ex- so in a way maybe youre using thoughts of her to keep connected to grief bc what we want most subconciously is what we fear the most. By getting happy or indifferent its almost like we are leaving behind our old buddy grief who is uncomfortable but has been with us every step of the way, never let us down..grief is painful on a concious level but subconciously has become a huge part of our life and letting "him" go is hard to do..This grief has become entrenched with us and is what we have felt for months and months. You might be using her to stay connected to the grief..opposite from what you thought. Its like a whole other break up. I know this is some deep shyte but think about it you might be surprised Edited April 15, 2013 by GB25 1
Author McDonald Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 I brought this idea up to my therapist who is actually a doctor in psychology, and its not crazy at all as I suffer from this as well. Basically to make this as simple as possible grief has become you're best friend. Its been a part of you since the BU and has not left you're side. Yes, sometimes you forget when youre with youre buddies or doing something but at the end of the day our old pal grief is right there with us. That connection to grief is your ex- so in a way maybe youre using thoughts of her to keep connected to grief bc what we want most subconciously is what we fear the most. By getting happy or indifferent its almost like we are leaving behind our old buddy grief who is uncomfortable but has been with us every step of the way, never let us down..grief is painful on a concious level but subconciously has become a huge part of our life and letting "him" go is hard to do..This grief has become entrenched with us and is what we have felt for months and months. You might be using her to stay connected to the grief..opposite from what you thought. Its like a whole other break up. I know this is some deep shyte but think about it you might be surprised It makes sense. I feel like I just miss having a person around all the time. And since she was my only girlfriends my first evening... When I think of a relationship. She's the only thing that has made me happy like that. Theres no other girl thwt has made me happy. So when I miss a RS, I miss her. And your rghit about the Grief. I'm just so used to being Hurt. That when I'm not hurt for a few minutes... My mind thinks of her because happiness isn't confortable anymore. Letting go right now is extremely hard. Because I'm right there. Ready to let go and land on my feet. But not thinking about her scares me. Becuase I'm just nt used to it.
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