can i stop a divorce process?

[thomashome]

Hi

 

My husband called police several times already because I disagreed with his opinions. We had arguments often during a marriage. But his reaction to that is destructive and defensive. Now he wants a divorce, because he thinks i have an anger issue. he doesn't seem realize his rigid and controlling personality. He filed a divorce two weeks ago. We both got a family lawyer for the assist. I am not ready to divorce yet, we have a 4 year old boy. I am very concerned about all this happening. Actually I am getting better now though. I felt it was like life threatening situation two weeks ago. I will move out from family home soon due to all his legal action. I am angry at him now but I don't want to divorce. To me, all men are the same, you have to manage him well. I regret that i didn't do well.

 

What can I do for preventing us from a divorce, even though he filed already? Have you seen anyone who stopped a divorce process and got back together?

 

Many thanks!

[Wickedgurl]

My question is:why do you want to say married? Is it out of fear of being alone? You sound like you have a lot of anger issues to address. Maybe you aren't even mad at him? And he sounds like he's got some deep seeded issues as well. This seems like a very toxic relationship and if there are kids involved being apart for a breather may be a good thing for now. You can contest the divorce but get to an attorney soon. Find out your options. Get counseling. Get healthy. Maybe two healthy people will return to the marriage in the end. Good luck.

[tojaz]

 

My husband called police several times already because I disagreed with his opinions.

 

But his reaction to that is destructive and defensive.

 

he doesn't seem realize his rigid and controlling personality.

 

To me, all men are the same, you have to manage him well. I regret that i didn't do well.

 

 

Please elaborate on these statements

[carhill]

can i stop a divorce process?

 

In my jurisdiction, a judge can settle the lawsuit unilaterally, so one person can divorce another without their consent or cooperation. All it takes is one person pressing the suit. The other can contest or not contest and let it go to default, or settle. Up to the parties. Good luck.

[GuyInLimbo]

"To me, all men are the same, you have to manage him well. I regret that i didn't do well."

 

Uh, until you get help to deal with your antiquated feelings, you're going to continue to have problems in your life. This sounds, to me, a very uneducated, ignorant statement of someone who was raised to be very submissive.

 

Was your father very dominant and your mom very passive/submissive?

[marmoset]

Please elaborate on these statements

last time I checked, cops won't come to the house over a 'disagreement'...

[worldgonewrong]

Hi

 

My husband called police several times already because I disagreed with his opinions. We had arguments often during a marriage. But his reaction to that is destructive and defensive. Now he wants a divorce, because he thinks i have an anger issue.

 

Translation: his face keeps walking into my frying pan. Repeatedly.

[thomashome]

Hi

 

Thanks for all your comments. He called five times during five years marriage. I did one. One time, He called over verbal arguments and when police came to our home. I did not expect they were here, I was washing dishes,when cops was coming into house. my husband called cops in another room, after our argument. they came and they just talked to us and left. Why he called police a lot ? since he was advised by a family lawyer to get more police reports for evidences in a divorce case. Make me look bad. He seems believe I am an abuser. He built so much negative thoughts about me inside himself and he never let that go, and never move on. He focused on negatives. I was frustrated on some issues we had, and couldn't discuss with him about that, and I followed his decision most of times maybe because He is a local person in our neighborhood (he was born and raised this area,where we live) and I came from north Asia. Anyway, I sometimes raised my voice while argued, he sees that I was abusing him.

 

I was a devoted mom and wife, working FT job, many of the house work and taking care of my son whenever on my days off.

 

I am very ashamed if neighbors saw that police came to our house

 

Why I said "all men are the same" ? It just imply that everybody has good and bad, we have to manage by ourselves to look at the bright side of the partner. So that you can live with someone functionally. I don't believe the comments "you can find a man much better than your husband after a divorce" by knowing that a marriage is constantly compromising each other, one has to sacrifice half of by oneself.

Edited April 11, 2013 by thomashome

[GuyInLimbo]

Why I said "all men are the same" ? It just imply that everybody has good and bad, we have to manage by ourselves to look at the bright side of the partner. So that you can live with someone functionally. I don't believe the comments "you can find a man much better than your husband after a divorce" by knowing that a marriage is constantly compromising each other, one has to sacrifice half of by oneself.

 

I repeat what I said earlier.

[amaysngrace]

Why would you want to stay married to a man who doesn't want to be married to you?

 

Life's too short to settle on the person you choose to share your life with. You should pick someone who wants you as much as you want them.

 

Your husband is not that guy.

[tojaz]

He called five times during five years marriage. I did one. One time, He called over verbal arguments.....

 

Why did he call the other 4 times? Why did you call?

 

You say you normally went along with what he said, so I am guessing things changed when you started to assert yourself?

 

If that's the case, you have to give him time to catch up. If you had taken a submissive role and he is used to that, even though becoming more assertive is good and healthy both to you and the marriage, it's still going to seem strange for him to be questioned after going along with him for so long.

 

People get used to how they interact with people, be it healthy or not. So what would be a normal interaction in a more balanced relationship would seem suddenly aggressive to him, just because of the context of your shared past and vice versa, with you wanting to be more assertive, what would have been a typical reaction from him would be seen in a new light.

 

Have I missed the mark?

 

TOJAZ

[Mack05]

I believe everything you say about your husband is true. I am also pretty convinced you do indeed have an anger issue, which you don't seem to want to acknowledge. Police don't get called to a house unless it is a serious domestic disturbance. There is a lot you are not telling us, maybe cause you don't want to look bad?. Unless he accepts his flaws and vows to work on them AND you accept you have an anger issue, it's hard to move forward. You talk about compromise, but I find it hard to see where you two meet in the middle..

[thomashome]

We have been married over five years. We had a very short courtship. I was very independent woman, he seemed attractive to me because of that. We had a honeymoon baby. I guess we became starting fight since we had a baby. I had a normal mild postpartum blue since so many changes in my life at that time (incl hormones). Quitting my job to raise my son and moving, etc. And we got some help from a marriage therapist at tgat time. This is some background

 

On His first call, we yelled each other, while we had a fight maybe some pushed each other. He called police. I was shocked he did--i never got called police in my life before then. They came and understood we were pretty normal person, no physical injury notice. So they asked me to go out to cool off. So I did. But at that time, I just started feeling of insecure and mistrust to my husband that he called police. His personality has strong TJ. And he has a strong righteousness. So I tried to understand him, he could do that way because of his personality. The second call, I did. We fought and we both got emotional, he hit my head with his hand once. I was shocked that he hit me, he never did that to me before, so I called police, but when I saw them to come into my house, I staeted to worry about my family, and his career as a lawyer, my son needed us. So I told them we are fine and didn't say them he hit me. But my husband told the police that everything in detail except his hitting to me. I got arrested but got released a couple of hour later upon my husband request and nothing injured.

 

I am tired to tell this story, but I know I could have done better, I am emotional than he is and raise my voice when I am either excited or angry, my husband was taping a video, whenever we have an argument instead trying to make up. But looking back, We had a good time together, I mostly was happy with my family. And always was proud of having my son and husband.

 

I am so sad that I have to move tomorrow. He is using his all the legal power, so I have to move outfrom my family home.. so sad

[thomashome]

I couldn't continue to pack my stuff for moving tomorrow. All memories of my husband everywhere in the house. I can't believe that tonight will be the last night in our family home.

[Jethro]

Not sure where you live, but there are no places in the US where you can force someone to stay married to you. You can make it real difficult to get divorced by being a massive fuc%tard and basically countersuing your spouse for some made up or possibly factual bull***** resulting in massive lawyer fees and delays in the court, but eventually it all ends the same. If one party wants out, that is all that is needed.

[M30USA]

Something isn't adding up here.

[thomashome]

I live in SF bay area, of course I can't stop a divorce process through the legal action, just maybe make it stretch out time-wise. I just want to convince him to change his mind. Many people think divorce is too easy, and says 50% of married couples get divorced. But when I see my son's class (small class), seems all parents are married. And seems happy at least whenever I see them at school. I can't imagine that my son is raised by a divorced parents and lives in two separate home. That made me heart breaking.

 

I realize my family was the reason I lived. I loved cooking for my son and husband, loved to buy groceries for my family. If I am all by my self, I don't think I would do these thing with the same of enthusiasm. It just got wrong a month ago. We had a very cold each other, I should have noticed quickly before it had gotten wrong.

I regret. I still believe he loves me. He just had so much stress on his own. I was not there for him. Maybe I was immature. He talks about my anger but it is something before it.

 

I love my lawyer. She is very good and trustful, without her, I couldn't have done any, but so far, I got a lot of help and find my right against my husband's all the legal action. I am just worried about all lawyer's fee. But it is worthy so far tho. Hope it just settle down with some agreement soon that way no more high expenses. ;(

 

Sad me.

[thomashome]

Why did he call the other 4 times? Why did you call?

 

You say you normally went along with what he said, so I am guessing things changed when you started to assert yourself?

 

If that's the case, you have to give him time to catch up. If you had taken a submissive role and he is used to that, even though becoming more assertive is good and healthy both to you and the marriage, it's still going to seem strange for him to be questioned after going along with him for so long.

 

People get used to how they interact with people, be it healthy or not. So what would be a normal interaction in a more balanced relationship would seem suddenly aggressive to him, just because of the context of your shared past and vice versa, with you wanting to be more assertive, what would have been a typical reaction from him would be seen in a new light.

 

Have I missed the mark?

 

TOJAZ

 

Hi Tojaz,

 

Thanks for your comment, yes I think I understand your point. My assertiveness became stronger, I try to recall, after having a baby. Well our courtship was very short s well, so to him, he saw me as a calm attractive girl for a short time during that time. But the first two year (or so) of Marriage I was pretty much listen to him. He was like my big brother, teacher, and husband who i can totally trust. I guess, since we bought the house and since I was getting comfortable living as a mom and wife, I think I was getting more assertive. Assertive is good, not arrogant. I think that was not problems

 

But, I think he saw my coldness when I get angry. That is

Problems. I think he saw my evil side of me. His dream of me as an angel flew away. (you have to understand this, kind of konglish, English is my second language) he saw ugly side of me. I guess I express too much of dark side of me. Cold..

 

I need more love inside me. How can I have a big heart?

[ThatJustHappened]

Therapy would be step one.

 

Most marriages do not involve the police.

[thomashome]

Therapy would be step one.

 

Most marriages do not involve the police.

 

I do think that way. The thing is that he think I abused him with anger. He is very defensive now. He wants to punish me then relationships the next.

[tojaz]

Hi Tojaz,

 

Thanks for your comment, yes I think I understand your point. My assertiveness became stronger, I try to recall, after having a baby. Well our courtship was very short s well, so to him, he saw me as a calm attractive girl for a short time during that time. But the first two year (or so) of Marriage I was pretty much listen to him. He was like my big brother, teacher, and husband who i can totally trust. I guess, since we bought the house and since I was getting comfortable living as a mom and wife, I think I was getting more assertive. Assertive is good, not arrogant. I think that was not problems

Assertive is good.... so long as it is healthy and constructive. Assertive for the sake of being assertive gets ugly fast and turns into a fight. As that pattern continues, communication breaks down and all thats really left is a pointless battle of wills.

 

But, I think he saw my coldness when I get angry. That is

Problems. I think he saw my evil side of me. His dream of me as an angel flew away. (you have to understand this, kind of konglish, English is my second language) he saw ugly side of me. I guess I express too much of dark side of me. Cold..

 

I need more love inside me. How can I have a big heart?

 

Therapy would help, if for no other reason then to have a third party to interpret what each of you is trying to convey to the other.

 

Knowing when to stop is also key. Being able to be assertive and holding your own opinions doesn't translate to bludgeoning the other person with them. Its ok to disagree, and to allow differences of opinion to lie.

 

One, if not both of you has to be strong enough (yes i said strong) to know when it's time to back away when things break down. That time needs to be before feelings start getting hurt and long before the police at your door.

 

Now, I don't know what the arguments were about, and I think there's a lot of this story that isn't being told, but a battle of wills has no place in a marriage and when that's what it becomes its a steep and slippery slope.

 

TOJAZ

[thomashome]

My husband filed a restraining order and a divorce a month ago. so I moved out from our family home. This is the second time he filed a RO. My lawyer asked more days for me to stay at the house before moving out so I could accordingly move with all my stuff..it is official separation. I know I have been telling him that I wanted a divorce while fighting. But it was really shocking that he really filed. I felt almost dying when I first heard it from his lawyer (he didn’t tell me about filing at all) His filings and calling polices causes threatening my livelihood. I am crazy now to pay for the three lawyers to handle all my issues he created included my license inquiry. He called the police because I pinched him while we argued. He got small bruise on right arm next day. He sent the police to my work place and I ok got arrested at my work- very humiliated. Thankfully I could return to my job later after taking some time off. I see my son whenever I get my days off from work (he requested my time with my son on my days off on paper, he didn’t want me to hire a nanny for my son) so seeing my son for two to three days of week. But only one night each time.

 

I still want to keep my family even though all this mess, so my lawyer sent an email asking about my thought of reconciliation. (I think he filed a divorce with his anger). His response was "reconciliation is premature" He wants to stabilize the environment to our son and sec, himself, he is not considering reconciliation right now. We will discuss about the settling the RO issue next week to find alternative order and drop the TO from the court my lawyer convinced him how the restraining order impacts my career. Seem they understand after our numerous explaining. I hate my husband lawyer- she is not good I know my friends and lawyer said I just now focus on what I am doing, give my son a lot of love. I still feel my son needs to grow up with both parents, not in two different homes. Feel so guilty. If he doesn’t press a divorce process, my lawyer and I think there is a hope to repair our marriage. I think we have still feeling for each other, but can’t see that now, hope this separation give us cool down and heal some of hurt between us.

 

I can’t tell a lot of things here (so many issues we had/have) one of big issues his family are all singles, divorced, never married, widow and live nearby. He is influenced by them a lot - that will be obstacles of getting back together

 

Hope things get better. I just hang in there

Edited April 28, 2013 by thomashome

[aMguilts]

you can whatever you like on here, within the guidelines obviously

 

"one of big issues his family are all singles, divorced, never married, widow and live nearby. He is influenced by them a lot - that will be obstacles of getting back together"

 

forgive me if i`m wrong, but he has sent a clear signal to you , in that he wants a divorce?

and you dont like it??

 

you have anger issues, don`t you?

did he EVER give you a reason TO be angry at him?

 

calling the police on you 4 times is a LOT , in my eyes and, unless he was just `crying wolf` , you have some time to reflect on it and what you really need to do in your life to make it better

 

you admit you both have `serious` issues?

Both?

 

take time out, take a step back,

and then another step back

then look in and see what you want

 

do you really want to carry on with what has been a destructive marriage from the start?

or do you want to be happy?

 

aM

[thomashome]

I can't communicate with him at all due to the TRO, so not sure what he is really wanting now.

 

Good questions that I thought about what was wrong and what was our real issues. We been going counseling for both coupling and myself (not himself) over several years. I now think I have to find really good one.otherwise just wasting money.

 

I know he believes I have anger issues and went to counseling over one year for only anger issue. I changed a lot. But he hasn't. His personality is very strong TJ so very rigid and controlling. Now I am thanking, he couldn't be himself with me. I have many disagreements on parenting issues. He must have very frustrated to not be able to control me. Very difficult compromised things with him

 

I really didn't like him going to his mom's house whenever we argued, along with my son. He said he wouldn't tell things to his mom. But nobody knows since he has been doing so many times. And family members treated him as a single. They just called him last minutes for family photoshot without considering our family schedule. Ended up my husband and my son went but me went to work.

I felt very excluded. Felt no familyship with him. He never put boundaries to his family to have our own familyship.

 

I Feel actually relaxed more now than one month ago since we separated because of no more fighting. But I just want this cool off time for the goodness.

 

.

I saw his email of consultation with his family lawyer a year ago. He advised him how to describe to the police and some tips using some technical words to get me arrested. He wanted to get the RO to kick me out of the house. So he called the police a lot. Many times they left because there are no physical involved.

 

We offered him counseling for each of us and coupling.

[thomashome]

We have been separated for six weeks. Things are getting settled. since getting back to work after taking three weeks off from work (he filed all, restraining order and a divorce), I am living at my own apt now and back to working like before. I am very thanksful having my stabilized life back again even though without my husband, still lots of things I have to deal with though

 

Six weeks ago, when I moved out from my family home I was very sad and felt so bad, but now living all by myself (occasionally with my son) giving me peace of mind without all our arguments we had in the past. I guess I can focus on myself and working on my issues efficiently.

 

I thought I was going to die under so much stress; I arrested at my work after my husband filed a police report with the fact my small pinch his arm(turned a small bruise next day). I regret I did that as a response to his insult. I pinched his arm once-- I really regret I did. But my criminal lawyer even laughed about his small bruise how could this get to a criminal charges. (his cases are mostly heavy). In the end, no any charges at all -happy ending. my family lawyer believes my husband wanted to use the DV case as getting better custody and a division in a divorce case.

 

I still have amvibalance on our marriage problems. I know I did say to him hurtful things. I need to learn how to control emotions (so not hurting others), no yelling/raising my voice when I get upset. these were what my husband didn't like about me. and he believes I have an anger issue. (there are cultural issues between us though) But certainly I could have better communicated with my husband in the past even though he is controlling and rigid personality (he is very strong TJ personality).

 

Now I have my son whenever I gets days off with temporary arrangement through a restaraing order. And my lawyer and I have to discuss about my recent husband's proposal regarding a separation plan next week. My husband is not in a rush to terminate a merital status, but he still wants a division on merital estate. and he has not totally ruled out the possibility of reconciliation. So not sure what would be going to be happened.

 

I think I now have to focus on myself (figured out from my family, my friends and from this forum) and give my son a lot of love whenever I have him (reassure him that none of this is his fault). He was the reason I was going on.

 

Now I need to find a good counseler for my anger issue and communication skills in my area? I don't know who I have to go to see for a counseling. I had one in the past, he was ok, not for me (felt wasted money), so need to find a really good one this time.

Edited May 11, 2013 by thomashome