targaryen Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hi y'all...as maybe some of you will know I've been hanging around for the past couple of months as I went through various phases post the big break up in NC. I've been doing pretty well in terms of maintaining no contact but as I have alluded to a couple of times I'm finding it pretty hard to stop checking the ex's blog, even though she changed the URL, I found it and kept checking up to 5 times daily, i guess in the hope of seeing some mention of me, some indication of regret, or even some news about who she's seeing. I did this knowing it's stupid and that I had to stop eventually. I did manage to go 4 days without checking a couple of weeks back but I started again and this time it was worse....unfortunately blocking the site with all manners of browser extensions didn't work either as these can be very easily uninstalled in a moment of weakness. So, I think that 'eventually' has arrived. Today I re-watched a classic TED talk by Googler Matt Cutts in which he explains that doing something every day for 30 days is a great way to build or subtract a habit. So I decided to try this method with one mission: stop the urge of checking on her blog, which has been derailing the positive results my NC can bring. The goal is to go 30 days STRAIGHT with absolutely no checking. I hope that by doing this by the end of the month I won't even be thinking about it, and if I do, I can shrug and simply say, meh, I haven't checked in ages, I don't have to...hopefully this will be cutting my last tie with the past. The reason I'm posting it here is because I realise that the first 15 days are going to be the toughest, so starting tomorrow, every time I have the urge to check the blog, I will post here instead. Hopefully by knowing that someone MIGHT read the post here will keep me motivated. Let's begin! 2
Damaged23 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hey, great idea. You can do it!! We all belive in you!
Author targaryen Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Thanks Damaged, the problem is I'm not sure enough people will care to read these posts but at least I know there's a higher chance then if I post it on a random blog.... Day 1 has started... I woke up this morning and my immediate reaction was to open my laptop to check. Thankfully I resisted but I need to find a way to remove the browser's uncanny ability to immediately fill the address bar with the blog url whenever I type the first letter. I'm off to work, I hope I can survive the day without checking. If I do, I'll post here whether the posts was related to me or not, that way everyone knows I'll have failed
guysmily25 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Hey, I know the feeling. I used to check my ex's facebook page regularly, just to see if the pictures of us were still there. I was tagged in a friend's post in a picture with another girl, and she deleted me from facebook. At first I was sad, because I felt like that was the only connection to her I had left. Now though, a month later, I realize that not having the ability to check is incredibly healthy for my recovery. If you tell me what internet browser you use I'd be more than happy to post instructions on how you can block that URL from your computer so checking would FORCE you to unblock it, at least giving you time to really consider if you want to break your pledge to yourself to not check for 30 days. Heartbreak is truly one of the worst feelings, but checking that blog won't do you any good.
Author targaryen Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 well here i am...i actually managed to hold off for 24 hours for the first time. not feeling better yet...but proud
Damaged23 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 You can do anything you set your mind to. Look, I was the biggest facebook addict, but decided to deactivate it after the breakup, and haven't logged in since. Think of your peace of mind and it'll be easier to not check the ex's blog. Good Luck
Author targaryen Posted April 13, 2013 Author Posted April 13, 2013 Cheers....I don't have to deactivate Facebook as she blocked me on there; even if I wanted I can't check ... unfortunately Tumblr works differently and it's up to me to avoid typing that url, by sheer force of will. I use Chrome, Internet Explorer 9 and Firefox; I've tried all kinds of extensions but I've found ways around them when I was in my darkest times. Never mind that I have web access on my phone 24/7 as well and I can't find a blocker for Android. Anyway, I think doing this 'because I can' will help me more in the long run. I've been delaying the positive effects of NC by checking her blog for the past two months. I've delayed my healing and moving on. In that sense it hasn't been true NC from my side!! An update.I've completed day 2 relatively easily, and now am starting day 3 of the challenge. Since it's now a Saturday and I have less things to do than I do during a workday I'm finding it much more difficult. I'm now off to my fortnightly therapy session...
Author targaryen Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 Another day goes by - that's 3 days without checking ! It's getting harder, but on to day 4.... I think I need someone to acknowledge that what I'm doing is pretty darn difficult and congratulate me for it...pure NC is no easy feat ..but nobody gets it
Author targaryen Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 today i spent some time with friend at the beach..it was hot so i ended up snoozing for 30 mins..in the sleepy warm haze of the afternoon i felt her'presence' near, comforting me..i was sure idf find her there but she was't when I woke up...now ican't help but think that even my dreams are not freeof her, so what i the piont..i want to chck her blog more tha ever
Minneloa Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 Don't do it. You are stronger than you think, and checking her blog only hurts you. Keep moving forward, and congrats on 3 days cold turkey!
burnyourlifedown Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 dont give up! you are doing well. i know how hard nc is. i am still in day 1 and i hope i can survive today too without texting her. my mind makes up so many reasons that i should contact her and beg for forgiveness again when i know she wont ever reply to my messages. anyway, you have to do it. you can do this.
Author targaryen Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 hi guys. thank you for your encouraging words...wow, was I drunk when I wrote that last post? It's atrociously full of errors, haha. NC is hard, even 2 and a half months after the break up, you tend to have these moments of sheer 'need' to call the ex or even turn up at their doorstep! Thankfully I have managed to avoid contact with her since February 2013. Anyway I am happy to say I survived yesterday's difficult moment and now I have full 4 days of no checking the blog under my belt...If I don't check today it will the longest I've gone without checking it since starting NC. I managed because when I got the urge I removed myself from being able to access the internet for 30 minutes (I went for a walk) and then it was easier after that. NC is difficult, even in the 3rd month post break up. What actions can we take to make NC easier? I tend to think that 'hooking up' with a girl will help me feel much better and attractive and it will immediately push me light years ahead in my progress, however I have not been able to put myself in situations to attract girls, since I'm always with the same small group of friends, and the both times I asked someone out I got rejected because I reeked of desperate. I guess I need to stop thinking about it/
JD1977 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Remember, the first part is always the hardest! But you're doing it, so don't give up. Try to change your mindset. Rather than thinking of it as something you can't do, think of it as something you want to do! You want to take that power away from her and use it for yourself! Find a way to reward yourself for each week, or a really hard day that you avoided checking. You're on the right track. Keep going!
Author targaryen Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 I don't know why, but today has been the BEST day since the break up - which happened 77 days ago now....although I started strict NC two weeks after, so 61 days of NC...not sure how to explain it, but this was the 5th day of not checking the blog, and I had a different frame of mind throughout the entire day, I was engaged with my work, motivated, confident, and I still feel like that I think I'm breaking free at last....?? Not sure if this will last or if it's a fluke but I wanted to share this progress
LuckyShades Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 I don't know why, but today has been the BEST day since the break up - which happened 77 days ago now....although I started strict NC two weeks after, so 61 days of NC...not sure how to explain it, but this was the 5th day of not checking the blog, and I had a different frame of mind throughout the entire day, I was engaged with my work, motivated, confident, and I still feel like that I think I'm breaking free at last....?? Not sure if this will last or if it's a fluke but I wanted to share this progress Keep it up. I'm in pretty much the same boat as you. I've been broken up with my ex for about 2 months now, and we decided to go NC as well. However I always give into the urge to check her facebook now and then and it feels like just seeing pictures of her or w.e will set you back a few steps. But that 30 day rule seems like a good idea and I think your thread convinced me to apply it to not checking her fb.
burnyourlifedown Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 im glad to hear that you are doing well! ) i wish i could get there where you are in your progress someday.
Author targaryen Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 My friends, it's all ups and downs. I've had 5 bad days for every good day since NC started! Now it's been 8 days since I last checked her blog and for the past 2 days I've practically only had thoughts relating to her...I still have the urge to contact her,to turn up on her doorstep, even to give her a gift such as flights to Rome (her dream)...so the fact that i'm not checking the blog is making me yearn even more for her...maybe checking the blog was a way to deflect these raw emotions...i don't know what to...as on the other hand checking it will surely delay my healing when i find out for sure she's been with other guys etc
Author targaryen Posted April 19, 2013 Author Posted April 19, 2013 Update...I failed in the 30 day challenge...on the 10th day...I was THIS close to calling her...and instead I checked her blog...I thought it would be preferable to deflect this urge like this...instead found out she is missing me so I feel even more like getting in touch with her... Starting from day zero again tomorrow...
youngnlove89 Posted April 19, 2013 Posted April 19, 2013 Update...I failed in the 30 day challenge...on the 10th day...I was THIS close to calling her...and instead I checked her blog...I thought it would be preferable to deflect this urge like this...instead found out she is missing me so I feel even more like getting in touch with her... Starting from day zero again tomorrow... She is missing you? What did her blog say?
Author targaryen Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 "I walked away 3 months ago and I still miss him....Should it be taking so long? I can't seem to get over it..." Quite a short update made a week ago, but it still put me in a different frame of mind, as I was thinking I was the only one feeling like this. Turns out she's going through the same thing. However I think I realise that it doesn't matter if she's missing me or not...she walked away and her blog post is her struggles about moving on. It doesn't have anything to do with wanting me back. Otherwise she would have been in touch. Day 1 of no blog again starts today. I WILL reach 30 days PS: My pride stops me from getting in touch with her, even after seeing this blog, but I have fear deep down that by not contacting her I'm missing my 'window' to get everything back...
LumberJack Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 NC is supposed to put your mind at ease because once you get into it you know that your part is done. You've made it clear to her that you still love her & want her back, and you've also made it clear that you don't wanna be played with. If it's done assertively and with enough dignity it puts you in a position of great power. Even if she's with another guy at the time, she knows you're slowly drifting away and she can't check up on you to see that you're still tied to one of her strings. Also, it shows that you value yourself, and that you've got your shiz under control. Instead of enjoying this peace of mind, you're busy looking for signs. You're still interested in letting her control you. I think deep down you know that even if she came back now and said lets put all this behind us it wouldn't be the same. You'd still have serious trust issues to try & resolve. The great thing about NC is that if she comes back she comes back with a decision - that she wants to really try. I say take comfort in that, and instead of concentrating on the "if she comes back" start concentrating on the "if she doesn't". Make a great life for yourself! 1
Weathergirl Posted April 21, 2013 Posted April 21, 2013 Never a fail. Just a set back. Keep moving forward. It's really hard to distance yourself from habits, I too used Facebook as a means to hang on, and regret it. It just made my pain worse. Wishing you all the very best from sunny England.
Author targaryen Posted April 21, 2013 Author Posted April 21, 2013 Thank you for your replies. Weathergirl Thanks for framing it as a set back rather than a failure, however within the 30 day challenge philosophy, even one mistake negates all the previous days, therefore I have to start from day 0 again in order to reach 30. I often wonder how people manage to use FB to hang out. It's very easy to block someone permanently (both parties need to do it). With a blog, however, it's not that easy. Even after she changed the URL twice at my request (sent through her friend who hopefully didn't tell her why he was suggesting changes) I simply checked my own past posts and found the new address because all previous comments made by her changed name as well :/ Anyway, I've managed to go up to 11 days without checking quite easily so hopefully this time I'll find it easier to push beyond that. I realised that a big mistake I was making was forcing myself to tick a box for every day that went by without checking, and posting here too much. I ended up confusing not checking her blog with 'something I Have to do daily' turning it into a grind. I think it will be far easier if I simply remove myself from accessing the internet for a few minutes every time I have the urge. And as someone said upthread, I need to find ways to reward myself everytime I resist the urges...any ideas how to do that? PS: Sunny England? That's not what most of the tourists that visit my country say about their country..maybe you live in a parallel universe? LumberJack, that's the thing though....I haven't made it clear to her that I still love her and want her back. From her pov, I sent her a couple of texts/emails in the first 10 days (asking for stuff back) after the left me, and then silence for three months. I only told her I want nothing to do with her since she's the one who walked away. So now I see this update and she's missing me, and I think, maybe she believes that I don't and therefore will never come back, making me consider breaking NC.... But yes, it's clear I don't have this peace of mind you're saying. I've been desperately trying to get a casual hookup to feel attractive again but almost 3 months in and I've been failing in the dating arena too. The thing is, I know for a fact she has been struggling to meet people as well. Without asking for reports, I keep hearing things about her through mutual acquantances...things like, hey I saw your girl alone at a party/theatre/art gallery last Friday, what happened with you guys, she looked miserable, oh you broke up, call her back, she's missing you! bla bla bla....so you could say the signs are coming to me :/ But in my mind the risk of getting in touch with her and her not replying is too big, at the end of the day, it won't ever be the same, and the reason she left me will still hang over the whole thing...she's too young to be in a settled relationship; while at 23; I feel all I want is a girl who'll love me for all my life. meh, I'm too much of a romantic.
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