Dangraystyle Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 So me and my girlfriend want to be together, but there's just very little way of making it work. We live an hour apart and I am the one who has always gone to her as she lives in a far more interesting London and has her own place. I cant make the effort to go down there anymore because sleeping round hers is very counterproductive for work and uni especially as this is crunch time with assignments having to be handed in over the next 2-5 weeks and I chose this over her. She moves back to her hometown 3 hours away in 3 months and she spends the weekends there too. I suggested she stays here every other weekend to be with me but she says "she misses her friends and family too much". Despite telling me "you're everything I ever wanted in a boyfriend and I don't want to lose you from my life" her actions don't quite tell the same story. Were basically text buddies now and it seems like this is the end... but when I think of her and think of holding her... I just cant bring myself to do it.
siankat Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Circumstances. Tell her how you feel. See what she wants. Try and compromise. Ride it out and if it's unworkable after she moves then you will be happier making a decision knowing you tried. You are looking at if from the perspective of someone who has a lot of deadlines looming. Once they are done you might feel differently. It's kinda like the advice of 'never make a decision when ur angry'.
Author Dangraystyle Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 This is the text she sent me yesterday: "Look I know you want answers from me I just don't know. On one hand your amazing, your all I've ever wanted in a boyfriend your so nice and understanding but then I miss home to much to stay at weekends I no you feel like your making all the effort and you are because if I'm honest after I've been at work the last thing I want to do is make any effort especially to go to essex which I no sounds selfish. And if I don't see you for a week it doesn't bother me but I no it bothers you. But I still want you in my life. I'm just confused I don't know what to say" I think I'll break up with her tomorrow and see if she decides to finally make the effort for me at some point. She told about 3 weeks ago in a drunken text that I mean so much to her and she will never meet someone as good as me. Lets test the validitity of that statement.
Damsel in Distress Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I think she's telling you very honestly that this is what she's able to give to your relationship right now. The relationship sounds a little lopsided (somebody posted a link a few weeks ago about how to tell if your relationship is lopsided and I thought it was very helpful but I can't find it now.) If you aren't happy with what she is able to give, it's not going to help matters to break up with her to try to force her to give more. Breakups aren't a tool for manipulating people. A break up is because you no longer want the relationship. 2
Author Dangraystyle Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 (edited) I think she's telling you very honestly that this is what she's able to give to your relationship right now. The relationship sounds a little lopsided (somebody posted a link a few weeks ago about how to tell if your relationship is lopsided and I thought it was very helpful but I can't find it now.) If you aren't happy with what she is able to give, it's not going to help matters to break up with her to try to force her to give more. Breakups aren't a tool for manipulating people. A break up is because you no longer want the relationship. Good post. Everything is shouting at me that this is not healthy, that I need to breakup with her.... but I still fantasise about being with her. Holding and kissing her etc, I have the power to make that happen if I really wanted to, but at the same time, this girl doesn't want to put in effort for me, despite what she says she thinks of me. Its hard because this is the first relationship I have ever had, and the only girl I've had sex with, so I obviously have great attachment. I know deep down i'll look back on this and wonder why the hell didn't I break up with her sooner and that girls will come and go etc. I'm the one with the power to end it, but its just nice knowing there's someone out there who I can talk to about things, even if its through text. Edited April 11, 2013 by Dangraystyle
Author Dangraystyle Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Im sending this to her: "I've been thinking. Breakups happen because you don't want to be with that person anymore. I do want you and I do care about you and I want you in my life.... But I cant really do you and me anymore. It's just not making sense and I want us both to be happy. You should know that I did love you Danni. X" Any last advice before I pull the plug? We've never said ILY to each other before, but I think I just needed to let her know and put it out there, just for myself, before all was said and done.
Author Dangraystyle Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 OK, I know im not getting much in responses, but theres just something I want to update on: I sent that text above. She was a bit sad but said can we still text each because I still want you in my life, I deliberated it, but I said yes. We text like we normally do about normal stuff the last few days. Today things have been a bit different. We talked about it and we both talked about how were just friends.... Should I just tell that we should just move on from each other and go NC. The thought of going NC is hard, but being just friends with this girl and texting her still is really weird.
Mack05 Posted April 14, 2013 Posted April 14, 2013 NC NC NC NC. Did I say NC? There is a great section in the book Getting past your breakup called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately. There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below.. 1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.. 2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.. 3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours. 4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again. 5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on. 6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it. 7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't. 1
Author Dangraystyle Posted April 14, 2013 Author Posted April 14, 2013 ^^ I haven't read your post yet, but I will, but I have another update from the last few minutes. She said maybe we shouldn't talk anymore and I told her to move on with her life. I guess that's that.
siankat Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 @Mack What do you think about the theory that everyone is exactly where they want to be? My friend said 'we are where it suits us to be' So one could understand from that that if we stay in situations that are bad for us, or with people who treat us less well than we should tolerate...we do it because our low self esteem allows it. It's our view of ourselves that feels ultimately okay with how we are treated and thus we stay, cos it's suits our low self esteem. Thoughts..
siankat Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Also, someone once said 'If it comes to being a choice between loving that person, or loving you, always choose you' Wise words and so simple, but true. how did that one elude me
Am4Real Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Are we where we want to be? One might also use the cliche, you made your bed, now lay in it... Your words are excellent guidance...love thyself first. Best of Monday to you. Also, someone once said 'If it comes to being a choice between loving that person, or loving you, always choose you' Wise words and so simple, but true. how did that one elude me
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