Bonesz Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I love my gf to death. I really do. She's the most amazing girl I've ever met, she makes me very very happy and I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. But there's only one thing that bothers me and lately it's just been irritating me a lot. Her family is EXTREMELY possessive of her and she won't stand up for herself. And I understand the whole "You live in my house so you follow me rules" logic, but she's 21 and a lot of the rules her family makes seem to be driven by jealousy. I hardly ever get a chance to see her because she knows that as soon as she tells her family she's going to see me, they instantly get upset. But at the same time, it isn't just me, its whenever she wants to see her friends and stuff also. So a lot of the time I have to see her in secret because she's so afraid of her family getting angry. And when I wanna take her out on a date at night, it drives me crazy to hear "No, my mom's going to get upset". Or even when we DO get some time together, it's usually interrupted by her brother calling her all angry saying that she needs to get home this instant. And she'll tell him "Ok, I'm coming I'm so sorry. I'll be there in 5 minutes"... She doesn't stand up for herself. And the thing is, NONE of them are EVER clear as to why they're upset or why they want her home so bad. She's constantly depressed that she doesn't get any freedom and how she can never do ANYTHING without someone getting angry at her. She tries so hard to please everyone, she'll clean the entire house everyday, help her mom at work, spend as much time with her brother as she can, but no matter what, someone always ends up yelling at her. She told me that she wants to move out as soon as she can, but the way things are right now, it's impossible... And plus it sounds like even if she DOES move out, her family is going to want to follow her and possibly move in with her too. And since she has such a hard time saying no, it's likely she'll agree. ... And I'm starting to feel very guilty for getting upset. It's not her fault and I should realize that. I guess it's just that the instant anyone gets upset, she cowers in the corner and tells them she'll do anything they want. But I don't know what to do. I want to spend time with my gf and I don't want her to feel depressed, but I haven't found a way to break it to her that she shouldn't let people walk all over her. And so now it's starting to irritate me and I guess I get a little upset too :/ It's the only thing we EVER fight about so I wanna get rid of it, but I don't know how :/
Els Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 "You live in my house so you follow me rules" Unfortunately this is true. If she is living in her parents' house, their rules do have to apply. It's plain poor courtesy to live under your parents' roof and insist on doing whatever you want like an independent adult. If she wants to be an independent adult she has to move out. I would not extrapolate her inability to say no to them right now, to her being unable to tell them 'no' when she is financially independent and living by herself. That is just something that most people have to cope with when they are dating in their early 20s or late teens. 2
Author Bonesz Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 But another thing that bothers me is that her brother will take control over her too. And her brother is NOT the boss of her so she shouldn't let him walk all over her either. But she won't tell him anything. She just does whatever he says when he raises his voice
Els Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Uh, yes, that's troublesome. Talked to her about that yet? What is her reason?
TanSan Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 While I agree that living with your parents comes with certain restrictions, it shouldn't make you miserable. It does seem like there is an element of control at play here, and I agree that the ideal situation would be for her to move out, however she may need to learn to stand up for herself as well. That's a skill that is useful in whatever relationship she forms. If she doesn't learn how to, she may be faced with similar situations at work, and even your own relationship eventually. This is not say that you would control her, but she may not feel brave enough to confront you if something doesn't sit well with her. It sounds like, even though it's affecting your relationship, she is probably suffering to a greater extent than you are. Maybe she needs you to support her in finding a way to assert her freedom. This could be an opportunity for you to grow as a couple. Is she telling you everything about her family dynamics? I feel like there is some information you may not have. Have you asked her about how her family relationships work? Who holds the most power/influence?
Treasa Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Unfortunately, short of abuse there is nothing you can do about it. You can offer her advice, but only she can change her own situation. If her brother is that controlling, I really hope she does. 1
Author Bonesz Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Uh, yes, that's troublesome. Talked to her about that yet? What is her reason? She'll usually just tell me that she doesn't want to deal with him and that I don't understand because he won't leave her alone until he gets his way. So I guess she just kinda learned to let him have his way without a fight. While I agree that living with your parents comes with certain restrictions, it shouldn't make you miserable. It does seem like there is an element of control at play here, and I agree that the ideal situation would be for her to move out, however she may need to learn to stand up for herself as well. That's a skill that is useful in whatever relationship she forms. If she doesn't learn how to, she may be faced with similar situations at work, and even your own relationship eventually. This is not say that you would control her, but she may not feel brave enough to confront you if something doesn't sit well with her. It sounds like, even though it's affecting your relationship, she is probably suffering to a greater extent than you are. Maybe she needs you to support her in finding a way to assert her freedom. This could be an opportunity for you to grow as a couple. Is she telling you everything about her family dynamics? I feel like there is some information you may not have. Have you asked her about how her family relationships work? Who holds the most power/influence? She usually tells me everything, but lately I feel like she hasn't because she doesn't want me to hate her family. Her mom holds the most influence. Whenever she gets upset at her, it usually sounds like jealousy. She'll say something like "I'm going to go see a movie with him" and her first response is "Why don't you just stay here and see a movie with me?"
Poppy fields Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Have you considered that her family just might not like you? If your girlfriend doesn't think they are possessive then it is not your problem to deal with.
clia Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 The way you have described what is happening makes it sound really creepy. Creepy as in -- I'm wondering when David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are going to show up. She told me that she wants to move out as soon as she can, but the way things are right now, it's impossible... And plus it sounds like even if she DOES move out, her family is going to want to follow her and possibly move in with her too. And since she has such a hard time saying no, it's likely she'll agree. What? If she moves out into her own apartment, her entire family is going to move out of the family house (?) and move in with her? This sounds beyond controlling -- it is absolutely, batsh** insanely cuckoo. I don't see this ending well for you -- do you want these people to be related to you someday?
Ninjainpajamas Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Her brother is only doing what the parents have showed him. I knew someone who had to live under ridiculous circumstances at home. She cooked and cleaned everyday, took care of a child that wasn't hers (fed, dressed, took to school, picked up), a disabled grandmother, and worked at the family business full time which took care of mentally ill people and she essentially lived on site there making an hour and half commute back and forth every day and not even living at home, all while going to school full time finishing her masters in her early-mid 20's. And instead of being valued for all of this, she was just made out to feel like she never did enough and was criticized and belittled. It was unbelievable, It was infuriating just knowing about it. I couldn't believe that this was someone's reality, it was shocking. After years and years of this (essentially her entire life), she finally had to choose to pursue a PHD program, or stay home and stop her education because the family didn't even know she had her masters and now she's ex-communicated from the family because she essentially chose to pursue a career, but they say she "abandoned" them. Now they can't sit around and have her do everything. Everyone that knew her and cared for her were obviously pissed off about it, but she was concerned with the grandmother and the child...she stayed for them mostly. She is easily one of the nicest people I've ever met, I couldn't understand why in the world someone would have to live like this, always so concerned and caring for someone else, never complained about her responsibilities or how unfair her life was...I'm an @sshole and complain all the time, I can understand why I got what I got but life definitely isn't fair, I just wish I could've kicked the people responsible for this into outer space because they don't even belong on earth if you ask me, but no of course those who did this to her felt justified and like the victims (gotta love human beings, always the victims even as the abuser) She finally got out of that situation, it's a shame her 20's mostly washed away as a slave while other kids that age were out having fun and being their age. But I could relate to her struggle and despair, I was supportive and heard her out, it was hard hearing her opinion of herself based on the people who kept her down but I tried to encourage her and just be a supportive person instead of venting out my rage and disbelief, I'm such a fighter myself I just wanted to help her out of that situation but It would have only made her life more difficult and stressful so it was best to try and forget about it. But amazingly she was always optimistic and joyful person, I don't understand how she managed to retain that. She lives on campus now and is no longer in that situation...although excommunicated from her family she doesn't spend holidays with them, being the good person she is she always has good people that care about her in her life. I thought that things might never turn around for her, but she earned everything she has, and she made the decision she did for herself at the end of the day and I'm glad for the most part it worked out. As much as it might anger and frustrate you to be with her in this relationship, try to remain supportive and be someone she can talk to and listen, if you just vent out and become angry with her, you'll be just like everyone else. It's understandable if you can't have a relationship this person, but don't punish her or let your frustration overwhelm the situation, that'll just make her feel worse. Some people need help building up that courage and strength, but you can't force it into her, don't perpetuate the cycle, if she could do something about it she likely would...if she knew what to do. Some people respond with force, others with understanding and compassion. 1
ChatroomHero Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 That would be tough to deal with. Personally to me this would be kind of a pain, but maybe you can invite her family out to dinner sometime, head to the movies or a bar and drag her brother along and do things like that for a bit and see what happens. I mean if you took them out to dinner on a Thursday they might not be so jealous if you and her go out on Friday.
dasein Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Have dated women like this, it's a mix. On the one hand, the possessive family is annoying and obnoxious. OTOH, they are a close and not permissive family that is even worse than possessive. Your GF is probably not out running around with whomever doing whatever, and that's a good thing for your relationship if you think about it. No idea of what advice to give other than just adapt to it. Good luck.
dasein Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Well thing is, once she is married or just out of the house, she will have lots more leverage to say what's what and be more demonstrative. It's tough to go against people who aren't being totally tyrannical who own the roof you sleep under.
FitChick Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Is this a cultural problem? Is her family from a country where women are routinely mistreated and undervalued? Is she the only daughter?
PogoStick Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 It is her fault for how she handles the situation. If it's such a big issue then she has to move out and take control of her life. If money is an issue and you are seriously crazy for her then you'll have to bust your ass and make it work. If neither of you are willing to do what it takes to make a change then you're not allowed to complain.
tbf Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 The traits you love about your girlfriend, are the same traits that are causing the problems in your relationship. Everyone wants a piece of her because she's so useful, where she's made herself indispensable to everyone. You can't fix her. Being necessary is important to her. If it wasn't, she wouldn't put up with it.
dasein Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 The chance of things being different is so slim you might as well wish upon a star. I disagree, things change a whole lot once the prospect of marriage and grandchildren are in the picture and overly protective parents do soften lots. Remember also that GF is only 21. This suffocating could be part of parents' well laid plan to get her out of the house and independent of them. Have seen it many times before and experienced it myself in the past.
Ruby Slippers Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I had a relationship in my mid-20s with a guy who had a family like this. From what I gather, they're still like this. They interfered in our relationship repeatedly and eventually succeeding in driving me away. I loved this guy like I'd never loved anyone before, but his family was wrecking our peace and happiness. If she changes, it will most likely happen very slowly. I think you're basically going to have to accept the situation as it is, or accept that it's not a match and move on. Her family dynamics are unlikely to change much - and if they do, it will probably take a lot of time for modest change.
Author Bonesz Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 Thank you for all the great advice guys. For this past year, I've been trying to be very supportive of her. I would never get upset, I would just tell her everything is going to be ok and encourage her to speak her mind and not be taken advantage of. But her family can just be so ridiculous sometimes and it makes me angry to think anyone can treat her like that. She's the absolute sweetest girl in the world, and all she ever does is try her hardest to make everyone happy. If they said ANY of this stuff to her in front of me, I'm not sure I'd be able to keep my mouth shut and let them talk to her like that... I guess I've just heard so many of these stories that every time she tells me she can't do something because they'll get mad, I get a little irritated. I guess not so much at her, but at her family. But still, she's the one who sees it and that's wrong. I don't mean to get upset :/ I'm trying really hard to control myself whenever I hear stuff like this :/
dasein Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 There have been too many family conflicts that prove you wrong. Nothing "proves me wrong" where this thread is concerned. You are certainly welcome to your opinion.
veggirl Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 So why doesn't she move out? What does "even if she does move out, her family will want to come too" even mean? They can't move in with her if she doesn't let them. Does she have a job? Can she find roommates? Most people are on their way out of their parents house at 21, what is her exact plan in regards to that? If she truly is upset by how her family acts, I'd expect she has a plan to get out?
carson22 Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Thank you for all the great advice guys. For this past year, I've been trying to be very supportive of her. I would never get upset, I would just tell her everything is going to be ok and encourage her to speak her mind and not be taken advantage of. But her family can just be so ridiculous sometimes and it makes me angry to think anyone can treat her like that. She's the absolute sweetest girl in the world, and all she ever does is try her hardest to make everyone happy. If they said ANY of this stuff to her in front of me, I'm not sure I'd be able to keep my mouth shut and let them talk to her like that... I guess I've just heard so many of these stories that every time she tells me she can't do something because they'll get mad, I get a little irritated. I guess not so much at her, but at her family. But still, she's the one who sees it and that's wrong. I don't mean to get upset :/ I'm trying really hard to control myself whenever I hear stuff like this :/ My ex girlfriend's family was like this (dated for 4 years). She would do mainly everything around the house and both the mother and the two sisters would always shoot her down for not doing anything. This kept going on for 2 years before I intervened in the matter and had a talk with the mother and two daughters. The father sided with me on the situation as well. From then on out, things were great, and the $hit tornado never returned. Irregardless that she is living at her parents house (21yrs old), that does NOT give the family the right to treat her like $hit and always have her on a leash. As far as i'd be concerned, she's 21. Do whatever you want. When I still lived at home I would always tell my parents how late i'd be out. I never had them chase me down.
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