Courtney28 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hi. Me and my husband have only been married for a little over 2 years. I think I plunged in too quickly. We only have 1 child together and I have a child before he came along. I’m the one always doing everything. I only work part time. I do all of the cleaning around our house, taking the trash out, washing clothes, etc. he complains after work if the house isn’t up to par, but yet doesn’t put in any hand to help clean it. He complains about not having anything to wear, because he’s too lazy to wash his own clothes when they run out. Anytime I want to go hand out with my friends, it’s always a fight, and I end up not going. I never get to do anything. I’m bored sitting at home, so I play on Facebook, he complains about that. So I started reading books. He’s complaining about that now also. After reading 50 shades of grey, I’ve realized I don’t have that love feeling. I feel like I have more of a settlement agreement. We are only intimate with each other maybe once a month, and it’s my fault because that whole feeling is just not there anymore. I don’t have butterflies, I don’t get excited, nothing. I honestly feel that if he told me he wanted to divorce me right now, I’d laugh and say thank God. To me, the marriage is over pretty much. What do you think?
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 We only have 1 child together and I have a child before he came along. I think the fact that you're considering being a single mother of two kids from two different fathers means you should slow down and rethink your priorities. Commitment, fidelity, consideration, respect, companionship, family - those are things that matter and last. Butterflies, "that love feeling" and 50 Shades of Grey - not so much. Let's say you divorce your husband and move on to man #3. Two years in, when you hit the same wall of boredom and routine, what will you do ??? At some point you're going to have to take on the hard work involved in building a lasting relationship. It starts with owning your own faults and determining what you bring to the table... Mr. Lucky 6
Author Courtney28 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Ok so, I completely get what you're saying, trust me. But, on the other hand, I'm suppose to just settle with being unhappy all the time? I can't have anymore children. I fixed that. I don't want anymore. But, my priorities ARE my kids. They shouldn't have to be subjected to me being angry all the time because I'm unhappy. Not angry at them of course. But aggravated all the time because I feel like I'm already a single mother. I'd much rather do it alone, than to have to sit there and watch someone else being lazy as hell while I'm over here doing everything. That's not fair to them at all or me. Consideration, respect, and companionship are 3 of the things he's lacking very much in. If he had all 3 of those things, I wouldn't be typing this right now.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Consideration, respect, and companionship are 3 of the things he's lacking very much in. If he had all 3 of those things, I wouldn't be typing this right now. That's where the hard work comes in to play as you fight to make your marriage work. Have you discussed marriage counseling? If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? Mr. Lucky 1
Wickedgurl Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Your husband sounds extremely controlling to me. My Stbxh was the same way. I worked full time and did most of the housework including mowing etc. but it was never enough. I read a lot. He hated it. I knit and he complained. His idea was for me to concentrate solely on his needs alone and it drove me further away. When he asked for divorce 2 months ago bc he didn't feel I was giving him what he needed (nvm sex 2-3 times a week-still never enough after 20 years) I realized I'll never be enough. I'll never make him happy. And now that he's moved out I am so relieved and FREE. I am an intelligent, independent, attractive woman who was browbeaten for years by a narcissist. If you and your husband can't get to a MC to work out your issues- you will be me in 17 years. Figure out now what you will and won't put up with. Xoxo
Author Courtney28 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 I am 27. Still young I know. He isn't so much "controlling" becuz he knows I won't stand for that, but, I highly doubt he'd even consider a marriage counselor. He's always the first to say "do you just want me to leave?" And every time I'm always so tempted to say yes just get the hell out, but I don't because I don't like the kids seeing us fight. But yeah, it's like if I'm not paying attention to him every 5 minutes he goes into this pissed off mood, I'm tired of his complaining, tired of all the arguing we do, tired of not having a life outside of my house. We don't communicate well at all, if something's bothering me, and I tell him, if its about him not doing something, he goes into this piss poor attitude like I'm upset and mad over nothing.. It's really getting old. I don't know how much more I can honestly take before I really just snap..
ALAACJ Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I would suggest marriage counseling right away before you just shut down completely and decide you don't want it to work.Give it an honest effort too, be willing to admit there are things you can improve (not change) on and he might see the light and become willing to take a long look at himself. i know i always look to improve myself and sometimes i need a little nudge to do it. i also think that 50 shades of grey series is very bad for relationships...it sets expectations which are not ground in reality...my wife read that awhile ago and now she has checked out and has her mind set on other things. 1
carhill Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 What do you think? Are you ready to deal with the divorce process and live alone with your two children? You say you'd 'much rather' but have you considered the reality of that? If your feelings are strong and say 'over', then file. After service, get back to us with the results, both from him and how you feel. It's a long road from filing to 'marriage dissolved'.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 It's a long road from filing to 'marriage dissolved'. And a longer one trying to support yourself on a part-time job. Courtney28, one reason people try so hard is that there's so much at stake. Two young lives that statistically have a much better chance to grow up successfully in an intact household with Mom and Dad. And you're responsible for them. Be careful when you wish for divorce and single life, it has a way of coming true... Mr. Lucky
carhill Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Practically speaking, the court will entertain and enter appropriate orders for support, especially where children are involved. Filing gets the motions in front of the court. The petitioner's job/employment status will be taken into consideration.
analystfromhell Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 It's SO disturbing to me to read these sorts of responses- the notion of child support and the assumption that the woman would have custody of both children is just so victorian and unhealthy. This may not be what you are implying and please accept my apology if this is the case. Support and alimony should be taken out of the factors behind this decision- you have to want to go so badly you would do so regardless. Leaving because you "know" he'd be "obligated" to support you is not a healthy notion and reeks of dependence and self- entitlement. NO husband has any more of an obligation than the woman to financially support the product of two people's decisions and actions.
Act Two Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 First of all, 50 Shades of Grey depicts a horrendous example of a healthy relationship (plus it's crap literature). I cannot for the life of me understand how Christian Gray is any sort of model of a good guy for anyone woman. He's an emotionally unavailable abuser- real hot! That said, as others have said, you have a lot at stake not to put any work in. At least start with marriage counseling and/or IC and make decisions from there. 3
Author Courtney28 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Ok, I respect each persons opinion, I was asking for solid advice, which all of you have greatly given me, thank you. About the whole 50 shades thing, I didn't say I wanted a marriage like Christian Grey's. I was more or less talking about the love part, not everything that went with it in the book, maybe I should have picked a better love story like the notebook, a love like that, but whatever. And about the whole alimony and money thing, I don't know what you are referring to because I never said anything about money or him supporting me if I did in fact ask for a divorce. Trust me, it isn't about money, and if I do decide to divorce him, then that's it, I don't need any other connections to him besides the kids, but, I haven't made that decision yet, or if I'm even going to yet. But thank you for the advice.
M30USA Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I would have LOVED if my ex wife had hobbies. It's very important for 2 people in a marriage to find enjoyment in hobbies.
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