is she cheating???

[Spark1111]

Maybe women think differently....

 

I would show up unannounced at work and take her to lunch.

 

I would send her flowers at work for no reason.

 

And if nothing changes on her end, I would grab her cell phone and text back, WHO is this? And WHY are you talking of my wife's body parts????

 

My H had almost a 2 year affair with a former D co-worker....and it all starts with attention and flirting and then confiding about the marriage and then sexting, and then meeting for coffee, then dinner with drinks involved, and then......you get the rest.

 

Almost every single one.

 

One of the biggest red flags is hearing a co-workers name mentioned once or twice in glowing terms....and then never hearing it again.

 

That means your spouse knows it is heading in a certain direction, wants it to, and starts to act vague and uncertain when you ask, how is so and so?

 

Sorry Bud but a man who feels comfortable enough to text inappropriate talk of her body parts is already feeling waaaay to comfortable with your wife.

 

What are you going to about it? Do NOT just sit back here. There is only one place this is going to go.

[2sunny]

Walk up to the guy - introduce yourself - and tell him he can have her untrustworthy a$$.

[Spark1111]

Walk up to the guy - introduce yourself - and tell him he can have her untrustworthy a$$.

 

Or threaten to punch him in the nose. Either one should work.

 

These people are cowards afterall and they hate confrontation.

[NervisPervis]

1 - We all know for a fat that this guy wants to bang your wife. Even she does. She's not THAT naive.

 

2 - The question is, does your wife want to bang him? There's the acceptance of sexually charged emails, there's the secrecy. So yes, she wants to bang him too.

 

Now what do two adults, both of whom have MASSIVE boundary issues, do when they both have the hots for each other? Oh, I know. They get together and...

 

Oh. This is not going to end well, is it?

[2sunny]

If she won't take a polygraph test - you know she already had sex with him.

[LeGenDary_Man]

IMO, it's counterproductive to fight for a woman that already committed once. That isn't love, it's dramatic manipulation. No thanks.

 

Obviously, this does not include unwelcome interactions or defending honor.

It isn't counterproductive to fight for your women. Sometimes, you need to take charge of the circumstances when you observe things getting out of the hand.

 

OP should STOP this friendship and let OM know that his behavior is unacceptable. If the flirting continues then maybe it is time for his wife to look for a new job. Her behavior is not healthy for her marriage.

 

If OP will take things lightly now, his wife will never take him seriously. Women do like strong and confident men.

[wifehurtheart]

I have stood up and said my part but she tells me to trust her to handle things like this in her own way because she has to work with these people. I say these people because my wife is very attractive, relaxed, and easy to talk to "one of the guys" type and its a common occurance for men to hit on her at work. She says when they hit on her she changes the subject or ignores them until it stops. I'm not a jealous person and normally her guy friends don't bother me....but something has rubbed me the wrong way about this particular guy offering her a place "to crash". I just have a bad feeling about him and I know enough to know that your first instincts are usually right. I have no problem with them being friends as long as topics stay appropriate. We are in counceling and it is making progress but he is always in the back of my head and I just want to forget about him

 

It has already moved from appropriate to inappropriate. If her discussing your marriage with HIM instead of with you or with an individual counselor or marriage counselor isn't inappropriate, or if him texting her (even if "only" jokingly) about her body parts isn't inappropriate, and if him letting her know she's welcome to sleep at his place if she can't make it home isn't inappropriate, then I guess you have a different definition of the word than most of the rest of us.

 

If she truly wants to work at your marriage she should be doing everything possible to assure you that her "friendship" with this guy means nothing and is over. She doesn't appear to be anywhere near ready to do that.

 

The fact that he invited her to stay at his place rather than to make sure she got to YOUR home safely should tell you everything you need to know about this guy's desires and intentions. I seriously doubt that he would have made the same offer to you if it had been you instead of her out drinking with friends. Ya think??

Edited April 11, 2013 by wifehurtheart

[LeGenDary_Man]

@sadGAhubby

 

You are too much accommodating to your wife concerning her relationships with other men. You need to enforce some restrictions in this regard.

 

The "flirting types" shouldn't be part of your wife's social circle.

 

Seriously, grow some spine and take charge of the situation. Otherwise, you will find your marriage falling apart in the near future. Do you want to be cuckolded?

 

Stop being weak and Man-up.

 

I seldom feel the need to push people in this manner but I am giving a try with you to help you improve your self-esteem.

 

Make it clear to your wife that you will not accept the "flirting OM" in her social circle no matter what.

Edited April 11, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Steadfast]

OP should STOP this friendship and let OM know that his behavior is unacceptable. If the flirting continues then maybe it is time for his wife to look for a new job. Her behavior is not healthy for her marriage.

 

If OP will take things lightly now, his wife will never take him seriously. Women do like strong and confident men.

 

Respectfully, you're only stating the obvious. In addition, your advice treats the symptom, not the cause. Symptom: inappropriate texts, suggestive comments and submissive behavior that undermines the intimacy of their marriage. Cause: The wife. She's allowing it, encouraging it, or whatever.

 

Exactly how is this OP going to stop the friendship? Lock her in her room? Give her a stern lecture about morals and conduct? Threaten? Ultimatums? His wife has a daddy. He's her husband. Even if he's successful in running this one off with threats or punches, does he have the time and energy to deal with every man his wife finds interesting and funny? It's pretty safe to say a new job will introduce yet another batch of horny men on the make.

 

And spark? I love your advice and outlook, but keeping her happy with flowers or on alert with surprise visits won't work for long. That is, if he can afford all those gifts and meals. Maybe she should buy him flowers?

 

There's only one person in this equation capable of solving the issue; her. She'll do it if she wants to do it. Loving, faithful spouses are loving and faithful by choice. Not because they're forced to be. It isn't possible.

[Silveron]

SadGAHubby,

 

What you are in, is in a child-parent marriage. Think about it. You the father, her the teenage daughter. The more you tell her 'Do this, don't do that', the more she will rebel. If you were to scold your actual teenage daughter, what would she do? Become cold and not listen to you.

 

In her eyes, you are the problem, she knows all. She will do what she pleases, when she pleases.

 

How do I know this? Because my wife is like this. A psychologist told me what I was into and another therapist told me she is emotionally stuck at 16 when her parents divorced and traumic events happened to her.

 

So what do you do? Keep her in counseling! Talk to the counselor privately and talk to them about her. Create clear and defined boundaries! If she crosses them make sure she pays the consequences! Do not threaten without going through with it. No need to 'lay low and watch what happens' because you know what will happen.

 

Let her know that you TRUST her. Also let her know in a clear, calm voice that if this trust is violated that the marriage is over. That you will NOT be disrespected. You will NOT be lied to and you can and will walk away forever if any sort of EA or PA happens.

 

Give her the chance to 'come clean'. Tell her that if she comes forward with all information now that you will not hold it against her. This is her ONE CHANCE to come clean.

 

Then drop it. Don't bring it up everyday. Don't let your imagination get the best of you either. You can't control what she does, however you can control what you do. SHOW CONFIDENCE! Show yourself that you are a better man than what she is treating you. Do NOT let this affect your own self-worth. Let her know that the only way to win at this game is to NOT play it.

[Oberfeldwebel]

You are right in thinking that this Barney just wants in her knickers. He seems so understanding, because she is inadvertently telling him what to say to make her feel validated. She tells him what she dislikes about you and the relationship and he says and acts like the things she wants. It isn't real, it is a fantasy relationship, but it doesn't matter, because he is just trying to get in her knickers. He has nothing to loose and a great prize if he is successful.

 

What I recommend to you is to get you too in counselling. This Barney isn't a licensed counselor and is only validating her position, not fixing the problems in the relationship. She probably would deflect his advances under normal circumstances, but one fight or glass of wine too many can cause folks to do foolish things. GET IN COUNSELING!!!

[LeGenDary_Man]

Respectfully, you're only stating the obvious. In addition, your advice treats the symptom, not the cause. Symptom: inappropriate texts, suggestive comments and submissive behavior that undermines the intimacy of their marriage. Cause: The wife. She's allowing it, encouraging it, or whatever.

 

Exactly how is this OP going to stop the friendship? Lock her in her room? Give her a stern lecture about morals and conduct? Threaten? Ultimatums? His wife has a daddy. He's her husband. Even if he's successful in running this one off with threats or punches, does he have the time and energy to deal with every man his wife finds interesting and funny? It's pretty safe to say a new job will introduce yet another batch of horny men on the make.

The term "taking charge" implies measures/actions to be taken to fix the marriage.

 

These measures may include marriage counseling; paying more attention to wife and her needs; alcoholism addiction treatment; lecturing the wife about Do's and Don'ts and vice versa.

 

Yes, being a little assertive can be beneficial in this kind of situation. It gives the impression that you are serious at preventing your marriage from falling apart.

 

The husband should have a say in which people he finds acceptable in his wife's social circle. By being accommodative to any guy whom his wife may regard as a "friend" is NOT ADVISABLE. This particular OM should be verbally informed that his behavior is unacceptable at minimum. The rest can be discussed with the wife.

 

I am advising OP to take charge and fight to save his marriage; the "fight" word being a metaphor.

 

Your POV to give wife a free hand at carrying on with her activities and taking measures at home for separation (should the need arise) is not enough in my books. Sounds like a defeatist talk; you are advising OP to be prepared for the worst; nothing more. Don't get me wrong; your advice is good but it isn't enough. It is unwise to assume that OP's wife will show total disregard of her husband's feelings and actions; every women is different. OP needs to pay attention to all responses he got in this thread and then decide his course of action, if he haven't already.

 

Also, just because his wife is/has been flirting with one man; doesn't implies that she will do the same with every man who finds her attractive and gives her attention. However, if the wife's activities are put under check now; she might not cross the boundary in the future.

Edited April 13, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Steadfast]

Yes, being a little assertive can be beneficial in this kind of situation. It gives the impression that you are serious at preventing your marriage from falling apart.

 

The husband should have a say in which people he finds acceptable in his wife's social circle.

 

You're saying the same thing using different words. Know what I see? Shoulda, coulda, woulda. If I'm reading it right, the OP has expressed himself very clearly. More than once. Her reply? "Don't worry about it."

 

Also, just because his wife is/has been flirting with one man; doesn't implies that she will do the same with every man who finds her attractive and gives her attention. However, if the wife's activities are put under check now; she might not cross the boundary in the future.

 

Put under check. Hmm...you still haven't explained exactly what that is, besides 'stern' talks with the wife and telling the OM the score. That might look good on television when Barney is laying down the law to Thelma Lou, but it won't cut it in real life. It didn't then either. Only in Hollywood.

 

I'm not interested in an argument. Any thought process directed away from the wife being the center of this problem is bad advice, IMO. You are right about one thing; the OP will decide for himself. That is a given.

 

Me? I'd rather have a wife that seeks and embraces her own integrity and self esteem, not one that needs those traits lectured in. I'd respect that.

[seibert253]

I think OP has left the building. Seems as if OP didn't like the stop taking her crap and man up advice.