is she cheating???

[sadGAhubby]

hi everyone I need some advice. About a month ago I found out my wife has been chatting with a friend from work for the last three months. We have been having some marital problems and she says she has been confiding in him and he has been emotionally supportive. I found out that she went out drinking with some friends and over text messages he told her she could stay at his place if she couldn't get home. Not one time has she mentioned his name the entire time they have been friends and I know they still chat. She says that they are friends and she has never had feelings like that for him. My gut tells me there is more, maybe some flirting or talking but nothing physical. Its to the point now that I think every time her phone goes off its a message from him. I don't know what to do can someone give me some advice

[Holyoak]

Your gut is screaming for a reason... Maybe it would be wise to confront her, tell her how this makes you feel, establish some boundaries, and see what she says, but more importantly DOES. Why would he have her stay over, when you should be the one to pick her up and take her to YOUR HOME? Already my spidey senses are coming on strong with this one, and something by you must be done now.

 

They are/they are just friends has resulted in more follow-up threads of confirmed cheating, than about anything else, so be on the lookout and not surprised if she says you are controlling, over reacting, how dare you think I'm cheating, etc... It's called "gaslighting", and it's one of the pillars cheaters build their house of lies, betrayal, and deceit upon, it's straight out of the cheaters handbook, and must be investigated. Remember, people with nothing to hide, hide nothing, she does have a right to privacy, not secrecy, and if she is not working with you to help you feel safe and comfortable, she is against you. Best of luck, and I hope the smoke you may be seeing never gets to fire.

[sadGAhubby]

I have confronted her and she swears it has never been like that with her. I looked at her texts and he has kinda made jokes about parts of her body in which she has basically just ignored or brushed off. She didn't stay at his house that night but did get mad whenever I told her it was inappropriate for him to invite an intoxicated married woman to his house alone. I know he wants more but I don't understand why I never heard mention of the guy before and since we all work together he has never tried to introduce himself to me.

[Darren Steez]

You need to have balls of steel to invite another man's wife to your home knowing she's possibly drunk.

 

You haven't met this friend. You don't know him. Yet he can extend an invitation to your wife to sleep in his house.

 

A very simple way to find out if they are just friends..arrange to meet somewhere for a bite to eat or some drinks, just the three of you. Tell her to tell him, my husband would like to meet you. You want to meet this man who's a friend of your wife, the man he offers her a place to crash, after all you don't just want your wife to crash any damn place do you? If thou protest too much then you know there's something more

 

...not that you already didn't know but it's a litmus test to call her out on her BS

[Jonah]

My call is that she is toying with this particular person. But it is inappropriate and an indicator that would be open for more.

[Steadfast]

..arrange to meet somewhere for a bite to eat or some drinks, just the three of you. Tell her to tell him, my husband would like to meet you. You want to meet this man who's a friend of your wife, the man he offers her a place to crash, after all you don't just want your wife to crash any damn place do you?

 

^^ This.

 

Next step? Insist she find other employment and hire a marriage coach. If she bristles, either seek for signs of cheating or cut bait. I advise the latter.

 

Do you have kids?

[sadGAhubby]

yeah we have a little boy together. From confronting her about his sly remarks and jokes she says she ignores it and lets it go so it doesn't create an awkward work environment. She says she told him that she wanted to be his friend and that if she gave him any kind of an idea she wanted more then she was very sorry. My gut is telling me that he is an opportunist and is just buying time to make a move. I really don't want to believe my wife is flirting with another man

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed and you spent enormous amount of time texting another woman who says you can spend the night at her home if you can't drive home; do you think your wife would be so tolerant of your behavior as you have been for her?

 

In addition, another male should not be making suggestive sexual remarks to your married wife. Finally, the fact that your wife does not say another about these sexual remarks is in fact condoning it and sending a message that she does not mind him making these sexual comments. What is wrong with this picture?

[LeGenDary_Man]

yeah we have a little boy together. From confronting her about his sly remarks and jokes she says she ignores it and lets it go so it doesn't create an awkward work environment. She says she told him that she wanted to be his friend and that if she gave him any kind of an idea she wanted more then she was very sorry. My gut is telling me that he is an opportunist and is just buying time to make a move. I really don't want to believe my wife is flirting with another man

You need to TAKE CHARGE now.

 

You need to inform your wife that you do no want her to be friends with this man. It is obvious from your disclosures that your wife is on the verge of slipping in to an affair with this guy; she is too much accommodating to his attention.

 

Healthy boundaries (at personal level) do not tarnish work environment.

 

Let your wife know that her actions are making you uncomfortable; that she needs to communicate with you (only) for any potential issues within the relationship, if this is the case. Your wife is likely to find excuses to shut you out but do not let her treat you like a doormat in this scenario.

 

Also, if you feel like it, confront this OM and politely inform him to back-off and refrain from flirting with your wife.

 

B/W Is your wife alcoholic? If yes, then you should pressure her to seek counseling in this aspect.

Edited April 11, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[sadGAhubby]

Bryan I completely agree with you and have also mentioned the fact that her ignoring sends a message of acceptance but she refuses to see my point of view. She told the guy that I know about them being friends and he still has not introduced himself to me which to me is disrespectful. I also mentioned that if he was so concerned about her safety he would have offered a ride home to her but he did not. Is it possible that she really sees him as a friend and he is just playing a role? I have drug myself through hell over the last month to the point of having to be put on Prozac and ambien due to anxiety and panic attacks. I can't eat or sleep and its all I think about. I'm reaching out for a much needed hand.

[sadGAhubby]

You need to TAKE CHARGE now.

 

You need to inform your wife that you do no want her to be friends with this man. It is obvious from your disclosures that your wife is on the verge of slipping in to an affair with this guy; she is too much accommodating to his attention.

 

Healthy boundaries (at personal level) do not tarnish work environment.

 

Let your wife know that her actions are making you uncomfortable; that she needs to communicate with you (only) for any potential issues within the relationship, if this is the case. Your wife is likely to find excuses to shut you out but do not let her treat you like a doormat in this scenario.

 

Also, if you feel like it, confront this OM and politely inform him to back-off and refrain from flirting with your wife.

 

B/W Is your wife alcoholic? If yes, then you should pressure her to seek counseling in this aspect.

 

she isn't an alcoholic. We both have stressful jobs and I have noticed she is drinking wine more but only a glass every few nights opposed to every month or so

[LeGenDary_Man]

she isn't an alcoholic. We both have stressful jobs and I have noticed she is drinking wine more but only a glass every few nights opposed to every month or so

She needs counseling in this aspect then; she should sober-up. Increase in alcoholic consumption is NOT a solution for handling work related stress.

 

Take charge of the situation now as I pointed out above in my previous post. Instead of feeling helpless, pressure your wife in to stop being friends with this guy. And directly inform this guy that you find his flirtations disrespectful and that he should stop.

 

Step up to this situation like a MAN.

Edited April 11, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[Steadfast]

She told the guy that I know about them being friends and he still has not introduced himself to me which to me is disrespectful.

 

This is hard advice. Understand that I know it is not easy. But remember this; you are reading the words of experience. I and others here have faced the exact same situation. I advise you...no, I implore you to consider it.

 

1) Sit her down. Ask her point blank if she feels it is proper and right to have this type of relationship with this, or any man outside of marriage. Forget about this loser; he isn't the problem. The problem is your wife.

 

Any reasonably attractive woman is offered many similar opportunities every month; or every week. A truly loving spouse feels empowered turning them down. A wishy-washy, half-in-half-out wife secretly entertains these offers to learn where they might lead. At your expense.

 

2) If she answer no to the above, hire a marriage coach and attend. If she stammers, dances around the question or accuses you in any way, end the talk. Remain calm and breathe. You can't fix her. Only she can fix her. Don't lash out. Don't play games. Be consistent. Focus on you and your son. From this point on, do not discuss your relationship. Don't follow her, don't ask where she's going or when she'll be back. Let her do what she pleases because she's going to anyway. Remember; you can't control it.

 

3) Contact an attorney and get your financial affairs in order. Prepare a temporary custody agreement. Prepare for the time when she moves out, because you will want her to. BE STRONG. Turn from her tears. Don't fall for it. When pressed, tell her you ask for nothing except for what you're willing to give yourself, that this is not a threat, or a plan to control her in any way. Tell her you are protecting yourself and your rights as a father.

 

4) Ask her to find a place to live. If she gets angry and tells you to leave, remind her that you're not the one interacting inappropriately. Calmly tell her you WILL NOT LIVE THIS LIFE. NOW, OR EVER.

 

Finally, tell her she would have every right to do the same thing if she was in your shoes. Do not allow her to get under your skin. Remember why you are doing this. Do not lay and wait for her next move. Don't hope. Act.

 

5) Throw the drugs in the trash. Eat healthy, exercise and practice focusing on what needs to be focused on at any given moment. This is not easy friend, nor does it come all at once. You must work at it. Practice.

 

You only have a small window. Don't waste it. Put your foot down now. Not to force her to be a good wife and mother, but to live the way you should.

Edited April 11, 2013 by Steadfast

[troubadour]

This is hard advice. Understand that I know it is not easy. But remember this; you are reading the words of experience. I and others here have faced the exact same situation. I advise you...no, I implore you to consider it.

 

1) Sit her down. Ask her point blank if she feels it is proper and right to have this type of relationship with this, or any man outside of marriage. Forget about this loser; he isn't the problem. The problem is your wife.

 

Any reasonably attractive woman is offered many similar opportunities every month; or every week. A truly loving spouse feels empowered turning them down. A wishy-washy, half-in-half-out wife secretly entertains these offers to learn where they might lead. At your expense.

 

2) If she answer no to the above, hire a marriage coach and attend. If she stammers, dances around the question or accuses you in any way, end the talk. Remain calm and breathe. You can't fix her. Only she can fix her. Don't lash out. Don't play games. Be consistent. Focus on you and your son. From this point on, do not discuss your relationship. Don't follow her, don't ask where she's going or when she'll be back. Let her do what she pleases because she's going to anyway. Remember; you can't control it.

 

3) Contact an attorney and get your financial affairs in order. Prepare a temporary custody agreement. Prepare for the time when she moves out, because you will want her to. BE STRONG. Turn from her tears. Don't fall for it. When pressed, tell her you ask for nothing except for what you're willing to give yourself, that this is not a threat, or a plan to control her in any way. Tell her you are protecting yourself and your rights as a father.

 

4) Ask her to find a place to live. If she gets angry and tells you to leave, remind her that you're not the one interacting inappropriately. Calmly tell her you WILL NOT LIVE THIS LIFE. NOW, OR EVER.

 

Finally, tell her she would have every right to do the same thing if she was in your shoes. Do not allow her to get under your skin. Remember why you are doing this. Do not lay and wait for her next move. Don't hope. Act.

 

5) Throw the drugs in the trash. Eat healthy, exercise and practice focusing on what needs to be focused on at any given moment. This is not easy friend, nor does it come all at once. You must work at it. Practice.

 

You only have a small window. Don't waste it. Put your foot down now. Not to force her to be a good wife and mother, but to live the way you should.

 

 

SadGAhubby, you aren't going to get any better advice that the above.

[Try]

From confronting her about his sly remarks and jokes she says she ignores it and lets it go so it doesn't create an awkward work environment. She says she told him that she wanted to be his friend and that if she gave him any kind of an idea she wanted more then she was very sorry. My gut is telling me that he is an opportunist and is just buying time to make a move. I really don't want to believe my wife is flirting with another man

Tell your wife that it does not matter what her intentions are or if she is flirting or not. What does matter is that the other man would like to f*ck your wife if given the opportunity, and that she cannot have someone that wants to f*ck her as a friend. Period. End of story. Tell her that you do not want to be looking over your shoulders every time the two of you have a fight and she is mad at you. Every couple has its ups and downs, but no one in that couple should be keeping other willing options waiting in the wings. Tell her that when you read about predators that prey on married woman, they laugh at how the married woman worry more about being polite to them than they do about their own spouse. Tell her that if she puts your feelings before all other, she should be OK with being awkward putting another man in his place. Tell her that this particular man crossed the line and showed his true colors and that this guy cannot be her friend. She can be polite at work, but no more non-work contact. Edited April 11, 2013 by Try

[Bryanp]

The fact that your wife continues this relationship with a man who continues to make sexual remarks to her and all of this is destroying her husband and making him end up on medication to deal with this; and yet still continues this friendship sends a clear message to YOU. The message is that this OM's friendship is more important to her than the well being of her husband and her marriage. How can you look at it in any other way?

 

My guess is that she continues to do this because she knows you will do nothing so why should she stop? Please remember the old saying: No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

 

She continues to disrespect you and your marriage and is playing mind and word games with you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. Now what are you going to do about it? Good luck.

[2sunny]

The cheating started the minute she shared details of YOUR marriage with another man.

 

That tactic is always designed to build secrecy, intimacy and to have others feel sorry for the one sharing the info.

 

All at YOUR expense!

 

That's why it's called betrayal.

 

Whether she had sex or not is beside the point.

 

But it sure looks like she did.

[Try]

The cheating started the minute she shared details of YOUR marriage with another man.

Good point. That tactic is also designed to tell the other man that she is not happy in her marriage and that he is not wasting his time trying. It also puts the other man in the superior position to you in his conversations with your wife, where he is the good guy and you are the bad guy. If you google "signs of an emotinal affair", the number one indicator is if they are talking about problems in the marriage.

[whichwayisup]

hi everyone I need some advice. About a month ago I found out my wife has been chatting with a friend from work for the last three months. We have been having some marital problems and she says she has been confiding in him and he has been emotionally supportive. I found out that she went out drinking with some friends and over text messages he told her she could stay at his place if she couldn't get home. Not one time has she mentioned his name the entire time they have been friends and I know they still chat. She says that they are friends and she has never had feelings like that for him. My gut tells me there is more, maybe some flirting or talking but nothing physical. Its to the point now that I think every time her phone goes off its a message from him. I don't know what to do can someone give me some advice

 

Dig. And watch. Keep an eye on her and pay attention to her moods, how she is with her phone or computer.

 

The guy is scum. He knows full well she is married and is taking advantage of the fact she is confiding in him. Offering her to stay at his place? Using her marital issues with you against her. She shouldn't be discussing your marriage with him!

 

she may not be physically cheating but this guy IS feeding her ego and making her feel good about herself. Sweet words from another man during marital problems can make her feel emotionally attached to him, even if she isn't intentionally doing this, it's happening. Have you met him? If not, why not? You should meet him since they are friends, right? Ask her about this, see how she reacts.

[whichwayisup]

I have confronted her and she swears it has never been like that with her. I looked at her texts and he has kinda made jokes about parts of her body in which she has basically just ignored or brushed off. She didn't stay at his house that night but did get mad whenever I told her it was inappropriate for him to invite an intoxicated married woman to his house alone. I know he wants more but I don't understand why I never heard mention of the guy before and since we all work together he has never tried to introduce himself to me.

 

why did she get mad? DO introduce yourself to him and actually, make it perfectly clear to him that asking your wife to spend the night was ridiculous and so inappropriate, and he needs to back off. Tell your wife to stop confiding in him about you and the marriage. She needs to talk? She can talk to a woman friend or to a therapist. speaking of now, have you two gone to marriage counseling to help fix your issues that are going on?

She told the guy that I know about them being friends and he still has not introduced himself to me which to me is disrespectful.

 

Okay here's something..Why hasn't she introduced you to him? Think about that for a minute. He is her friend so shouldn't she take him over to you to officially meet?

Edited April 11, 2013 by whichwayisup

[LeGenDary_Man]

Member (Steadfast) have offered a good advice. Point 3 is specially very good, IMO. It might be wise to make necessary arrangements for a potential break-up in this kind of scenario, should the worst happen.

 

However, I don't agree with the "not to force the wife part." She is not only a wife but also a mother at this stage; she is expected to be a "role model" for her child. OP (sadGAhubby) married this women; he should not GIVE UP on her so easily. He should also let OM know that his behavior is not acceptable; trust me, sometimes, a little show of bravery pays off. OP's wife may initially resent him for this step but their is a chance that she may realize her mistake by observing that her husband is a "fighter" and is not willing to easily give up on her. Sometimes, women desire their men to take charge for validation purposes or whatever.

 

The example of member (NotCamelot) is very inspiring for BS.

Edited April 11, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man

[sadGAhubby]

I have stood up and said my part but she tells me to trust her to handle things like this in her own way because she has to work with these people. I say these people because my wife is very attractive, relaxed, and easy to talk to "one of the guys" type and its a common occurance for men to hit on her at work. She says when they hit on her she changes the subject or ignores them until it stops. I'm not a jealous person and normally her guy friends don't bother me....but something has rubbed me the wrong way about this particular guy offering her a place "to crash". I just have a bad feeling about him and I know enough to know that your first instincts are usually right. I have no problem with them being friends as long as topics stay appropriate. We are in counceling and it is making progress but he is always in the back of my head and I just want to forget about him

[BetrayedH]

I agree with much of the advice here except that it requires you to confront her. Frankly, I would completely shut the f uck up and go into investigative mode. I would be using a voice activated recorder, a key logger, and a GPS to FIND OUT THE TRUTH. That's my advice.

 

And if you discover that she hasn't been cheating but is permitting inappropriate advances from this guy, then yes, you need to retrieve your balls from your wife's purse and take charge of the situation.

[troubadour]

I just want to forget about him

 

Well, is he going to forget about your wife? She clearly likes attention she has been getting from him.

[Steadfast]

Sometimes, women desire their men to take charge for validation purposes or whatever.

 

IMO, it's counterproductive to fight for a woman that already committed once. That isn't love, it's dramatic manipulation. No thanks.

 

Obviously, this does not include unwelcome interactions or defending honor.