I broke up with her after she hit me

[siankat]

On a slightly different note, and i doubt i'm alone but the ONE thing that got me to exit situations that were bad for me above all others (try making respectful good decisions when you don't value yourself was this idea of collective responsibility that i believe we have towards one another as human beings.

 

This means that when someone you love abuses you (and i don't use the term flippantly), you have to 'teach' them it's not ok and that is by getting rid of them from your life. It's starts with physically getting rid of them first, and then what a lot of us linger on here for support in doing is, letting go and ridding them from us emotionally.

 

We owe it to the next person to know that we handled the abuser in such a way that maybe, just maybe they will think about raising a hand the next time when they KNOW it could lead to an arrest, court, a record, and therefore restriction to certain freedoms (perhaps even jail). If you have been abused YOU CANNOT be the one to teach them this by staying.

 

I shall quote the ex i spoke about above (slapped me in 2002). Fast forward to 2006 and i split up with a guy who got violent AFTER the relationship ended because although he had hooked up with the new dishwasher, i had been seen speaking to the new guy and he came from behind and physically assaulted me. I went to the police, reported him to the boss etc This is all in 2006. I told my ex from 2002 about it (cos as i said, we knew each other on and off for 10 years) and i was preparing for my grievance meeting with my boss and a meeting with a detective and my ex kinda looked away with a nervous smile and said, 'i'm glad i am not dating you now'.

 

That says it all.

Edited April 10, 2013 by siankat

[michaelc82]

So an update. I met her at a nuetral place last night and listened to what she had to say. All the typical stuff, "It will never happen again" etc. etc. you're right and I'm wrong. She apologized profusely for treating me the way she has over the last couple months. Ie: making me feel inadequate and like I'm always wrong. And yeah, for hitting me. She told me she started going into therapy this week, and is working on fixing herself. She wanted a resolution from our meeting, and for me to forgive her, but I couldn't give her that. I simply told her she needs to continue to work on herself and continue to fix her behaviour and managing her anger. I also told her she had reset the relationship and that all trust is gone.

 

She was also suggesting we go to couples therapy, but I told her I can't yet... And was completely honset saying she needs further therapy and resolvement of her issues before that's even an option.

 

She's making a concious effort to change and I do respect her for that. I haven't gotten back together with her, and I don't plan to anytime soon.. Just wanted to see her side of the story and confirm that she's not a complete crazy person. This girl has issues and she needs to learn the hardemway and fix them herself (with help).. Then just maybe she'll get another chance.

Edited April 11, 2013 by michaelc82

[geegirl]

I will commend her for taking charge of her alcohol addiction and that she has been sober for 3 years. I have a friend at work that has been sober for 7 years and she makes it a point to attend her AA meetings at least 2-3 times a week, even after 7 years. I attended one of her AA meetings to support her and for most, it's a daily battle.

 

Alongside, with managing her alcohol addiction, she now has anger issues that she needs to find ways to cope with. I don't know you but if you're pretty much stable in most areas of your life, mentally and emotionally, would you want to take this on? Or would you seek a partner that could stand toe to toe with you, more so one who doesn't need fixing and rescuing?

 

I'm not sure how much you would choose to take on because these aren't issues that will go away. My father was a raging alcoholic and physically abusive, but never sought treatment. Your girlfriend on the other hand is trying and while I empathize with her battle, I also wonder if you have it in you to deal with the enormity of alcohol addiction and now another side of her, violence/abuse.

 

You don't need couples therapy because it isn't a breakdown within the relationship but with her emotional and mental make.

 

I think you did the right thing by stepping away and creating boundaries for yourself. This may be a good time to evaluate whether 7 months of dating is worthy of the many years you may possibly risk being with someone that may never change or be the partner that you truly deserve.

[Mack05]

LS community to Michael "if you don't end the relationship with this girl you are heading towards a train crash". Michael to LS community "Yep but at least I am driving towards the crash slowly".

 

She is not the only one that should be in therapy. I am pretty sure you are codependent. If you are not, you are 95% down the road. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's usually a duck. Buy the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie.

 

What you don't get Michael is emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. There are red flags everywhere. You may be proceeding with caution but you are still ignorning them. I can tell you what will happen in the future.

 

You eventually get back together. Do the therapy. You believe everything is better then over only for her to have some sort of relapse. The relationship which has no real foundation because of the issues that were there before you got together, will collapse and the aftermath will be nothing short of devastating.

 

Ask yourself how can a man who has never met you, can be so sure. Cause I have seen this movie a million times. I even played the lead role role. I like you made all the mistakes. I waited a year to take my ex back. I believed we were the exception and not the rule. I believed she had changed.

 

The aftermath of going back to her has been nothing short of devastating for my life. Precious important years wasted. I would give anything to go back. You are making the same mistake I made and like me no one can get through to you..

Edited April 11, 2013 by Mack05

[Keenly]

Dude, she doesn't want YOU back. She wants her gravy train back.

[michaelc82]

LS community to Michael "if you don't end the relationship with this girl you are heading towards a train crash". Michael to LS community "Yep but at least I am driving towards the crash slowly".

 

She is not the only one that should be in therapy. I am pretty sure you are codependent. If you are not, you are 95% down the road. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's usually a duck. Buy the book Codependent no more by Melody Beattie.

 

What you don't get Michael is emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. There are red flags everywhere. You may be proceeding with caution but you are still ignorning them. I can tell you what will happen in the future.

 

You eventually get back together. Do the therapy. You believe everything is better then over only for her to have some sort of relapse. The relationship which has no real foundation because of the issues that were there before you got together, will collapse and the aftermath will be nothing short of devastating.

 

Ask yourself how can a man who has never met you, can be so sure. Cause I have seen this movie a million times. I even played the lead role role. I like you made all the mistakes. I waited a year to take my ex back. I believed we were the exception and not the rule. I believed she had changed.

 

The aftermath of going back to her has been nothing short of devastating for my life. Precious important years wasted. I would give anything to go back. You are making the same mistake I made and like me no one can get through to you..

 

Hey Mack, appreciate the advise.. Just remember, everycase is different. And I'm in no place to be thinking about getting back with her. Here's the big question on my mind, should I kick her out of the house so I can stop sleeping on couches? I'm clearly moving out, just need some time to plan.

[Chi townD]

SHe wants you to forgive her and you know what? You can forgive her as a person, but as a girlfriend? She crossed a line.

[geegirl]

Here's the big question on my mind, should I kick her out of the house so I can stop sleeping on couches? I'm clearly moving out, just need some time to plan.

 

Personally, you two shouldn't be living under the same roof. Time to detach and let her find her own two feet to stand on. And you need the time to step away to think with a sound mind and not one that is emotionally weakened.

 

Depends on the the living arrangement. Is she on the lease? You can have her leave or give up the rental and let her take over and find another place to live.

[Mack05]

Hey Mack, appreciate the advise.. Just remember, everycase is different. And I'm in no place to be thinking about getting back with her. Here's the big question on my mind, should I kick her out of the house so I can stop sleeping on couches? I'm clearly moving out, just need some time to plan.

 

You are correct Michael. Every case, every person, every relationship is different, but the fundamentals behind these relationships remain the same. The saying the 'exception to the rule' is a great statement. The 'exception' gives every person 'hope' in the lives. Hope can be an amazing thing. If two people work towards something and work through the hard times as a team then the exception can happen. I believe in myself as the exception, so I see your point. I hope your belief and optimism are rewarded.

 

BUT the high probability is that this relationship will end up being 'The Rule'. You can't counter many times for what life throws at you both. That is why the bond between a man and a woman (man/man, woman/woman) has to be ROCK solid from the beginning. Anything else and it's a HUGE mountain you both need to climb. Most fail, hence 'The Rule'..

Edited April 11, 2013 by Mack05

[michaelc82]

You are correct Michael. Every case, every person, every relationship is different, but the fundamentals behind these relationships remain the same. The saying the 'exception to the rule' is a great statement. The 'exception' gives every person 'hope' in the lives. Hope can be an amazing thing. If two people work towards something and work through the hard times as a team then the exception can happen. I believe in myself as the exception, so I see your point. I hope your belief and optimism are rewarded.

 

BUT the high probability is that this relationship will end up being 'The Rule'. You can't counter many times for what life throws at you both. That is why the bond between a man and a woman (man/man, woman/woman) has to be ROCK solid from the beginning. Anything else and it's a HUGE mountain you both need to climb. Most fail, hence 'The Rule'..

 

 

Very well said Mack! Relationships like this are comparable to climbing Mt. Everest. Thousands try, few succeed due to circumstances and probabilities that are apparently in front of them.

[michaelc82]

Personally, you two shouldn't be living under the same roof. Time to detach and let her find her own two feet to stand on. And you need the time to step away to think with a sound mind and not one that is emotionally weakened.

 

Depends on the the living arrangement. Is she on the lease? You can have her leave or give up the rental and let her take over and find another place to live.

 

I agree with you here on this one.. She's on the lease, next step is to see who's staying and who's going. I personally have no interest staying in that house.

[geegirl]

I agree with you here on this one.. She's on the lease, next step is to see who's staying and who's going. I personally have no interest staying in that house.

 

I'm sure she's not going to accept that so be ready for the possibility of drama.

[michaelc82]

I'm sure she's not going to accept that so be ready for the possibility of drama.

 

Nah you would be surprised.. She's really looking to better herself here. She's already suggested we alternate our stays at the house for the next couple weeks or so till we figure out the living arrangement.

 

M

[geegirl]

Nah you would be surprised.. She's really looking to better herself here. She's already suggested we alternate our stays at the house for the next couple weeks or so till we figure out the living arrangement.

 

M

 

Surprising, yes. Well, certainly steps in the right direction.

[Mack05]

My ex was on her best behaviour for a year after she hit me. She respected my wish for NC and waited a year to speak to me. When she did speak she promised me the world. I truly believe she believed everything she was telling me. I don't think she was being in anyway malicious. Indeed for the first 12 months she went too much out of her way to make sure I was happy and to know she how sorry she was. Not just for hitting me but for her bitchy behaviour and attitude before the box in the face.

 

The big problem here Michael is, emotionally unhealthy people rarely keep promises. It doesn't make them bad people. It just means it's unwise to be in a relationship with them..She reverted to type eventually. It took 3 years but it happened again, except this time it was so much worse. She was VICIOUS. You are walking down a dangerous path. I know you want to prove to yourself and the world you are right about this girl but at what cost to yourself?

 

IMO there are issues of your own to address. You can't do that, when all your focus is on her.

Edited April 11, 2013 by Mack05

[robaday]

Id cut your losses and run. Let her learn her lesson on this one, hell even stay in touch and hope she sorts herself out, but dont go back to her.

 

My ex assaulted me after a year of us dating, she was apologetic and as up to that point had never shown any signs of anger I let her off. But she had always been very very insecure. Over the years the cute insecurity changed to verbal abuse and insults, "you fxxxn wuss", "you fxxxxn shxxxthead", "you scum bag"...

 

It was slow but gradual progression and it was like i woke up living in a nightmare...are there other warning signs? you say she was never happy? u say she complained all the time? if this was an isolated incident and on the whole she was lovely, id give her a chance to redeem herself, but doesnt look that way

[tbf]

Why are people being so gentle on this woman? If it was a man who assaulted his partner, would you be as tolerant of physical abuse? This is textbook domestic violence where it begins with verbal abuse and ramps up to physical abuse.

[siankat]

Michael, what is it you really want from her? I agree with the other posters and while i know when people have told me the same i always thought that well, they are not me and i will try harder. You can never pick up the slack in someone elses unwillingness/lack of treating you right. I thought if i loved him more, if i took care of myself more etc all the time looking at him and totally losing myself and only existing through him.

 

I wonder if this isn't similar with you?

The reason i ask is because while you otherwise together, you are as mack put it so well, rationalising your way through this and keeping her as an option for the future. (if that helps you move on great). But you seem to be more eager than ever now to 'help her'.

 

I'm sorry to say this but, it seems that you want her, but without the abuse, what you don't seem to get is, it has already happened and cannot be taken back. It will always be there. Maybe you should be looking at why you want to stay with her; the real reasons.

[siankat]

By staying with her you are defining who you are.

 

As i know, and Mack05 has said, there is so much backtracking you have to do yourself once you have taken a lot of crap from someone. It's really hard to undo within yourself the pyschology that made you think it was ok to ever even contemplate going back for more.

[siankat]

And i will tell you something and please believe me on this because i mean it from the bottom of my heart:

 

while she needs to go through therapy and try and work through these issues that lead her to choose to use violence against a person close to her, you need just as much help as she does, to change your thinking that you could ever stay with someone after they had abused you is the REAL Mount Everest you need to climb. You are choosing the easy option entertaining staying with her. That is a piss cloud in comparison to what and where the work actually needs to be put in and a poor excuse not to be dealing with YOU. Some things are final. Abuse is one of them. Sure as where there is life, there is death: where there is abuse, there is no resolution.

 

If you read my above posts i was never brainwashed by the abusive person and always stood up for myself and fought back but by staying, i showed a lot of weakness not strength. When we had time apart, i healed enough so i was 'strong enough' to go back for more. What a cycle. I don't know where my compliance with this behaviour came but i think it does stem from childhood. I am wary now in relationships of signs of an abuser. The sad thing is like many people i gravitate toward the familiar, and for a person used to abuse...well you know what i'm saying. I have to be so careful now that when i'm innocently enjoying my time with a guy and something touches me in a familiar way, i have to painstakingly address to myself whether this is a good familiar or a bad familiar. If i was to meet a good guy, would i even recognise him properly? I hope so. I often thought i have. It is so much more unnecessary work backtracking learned actions, reactions, appraising a situation you have to put in later what you don't learn now. There IS only one lesson to be learned in your situation..

Edited April 11, 2013 by siankat

[michaelc82]

Michael, what is it you really want from her? I agree with the other posters and while i know when people have told me the same i always thought that well, they are not me and i will try harder. You can never pick up the slack in someone elses unwillingness/lack of treating you right. I thought if i loved him more, if i took care of myself more etc all the time looking at him and totally losing myself and only existing through him.

 

I wonder if this isn't similar with you?

The reason i ask is because while you otherwise together, you are as mack put it so well, rationalising your way through this and keeping her as an option for the future. (if that helps you move on great). But you seem to be more eager than ever now to 'help her'.

 

I'm sorry to say this but, it seems that you want her, but without the abuse, what you don't seem to get is, it has already happened and cannot be taken back. It will always be there. Maybe you should be looking at why you want to stay with her; the real reasons.

 

I guess the real reason is this.. I believe in second chances. I've seen her commitment to her other problems, and if she commits herself to these problems that are surfacing after stopping drinking for 3 years, I believe she can change. I'm not hell bent on fixing her, I didn't suggest she should go to therapy and try to gain clarity on the matter... I simply walked out the door and broke up with her. I do respect the fact that she's owning up to her problems, and isn't simply saying "It will never happen again." ... She's working towards fixing herself on her own to make sure it never happens again, not just for me, but for anyone else she may end up in a relationship with.

Edited April 11, 2013 by michaelc82

[Mack05]

Michael I honestly believe you are BOTH in denial. Talking the talk is one thing. Walking the walk, something entirely different. I don't see this ending well..

[siankat]

Michael. I hear what you are saying. And while i will never write anyone off to improve themselves, as far as you and her go, it's already done because of this. Whether she never hits you are anyone else again. Do you not see that?

[Mack05]

Michael. I hear what you are saying. And while i will never write anyone off to improve themselves, as far as you and her go, it's already done because of this. Whether she never hits you are anyone else again. Do you not see that?

 

1000% agree with this. Real change can take place with years of hard work, but it has to take place outside the confines of a relationship. By staying you are 'enabling' her behaviour.

 

By leaving you could make sure she never hits another person again. There is every chance that she could realise her actions have consequences. She may vow to herself to really make the changes that she needs to make in her life. You are actually helping her more by leaving.

 

The problem here Michael is your junkie codependent mind. You think if you stay you are being loyal. That you can help her. That you can be the difference in her life. What you don't understand is codependent people focus on rescuing someone, because they want to avoid dealing with the internal problems they have. They suppress their feelings and emotions. Their focus is on another person when it should strictly be on themselves. You need to work on your issues OUTSIDE the confines of this relationship. Emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people. It's as true as the Earth is round.

 

Mate I've been there. People like her will NEVER appreciate the sacrifice you make for them. They will just suck all the good out of you. They can never be satisfied. It doesn't matter how genuine they are, they can't cash the cheques that they are writing.

 

You are riding blindly into a train wreck that will eventually set you back years. You are choosing short term happiness and long term pain, over short term pain and long term happiness. It is a mistake you will regret for the rest of your life.

Edited April 12, 2013 by Mack05

[siankat]

I agree with Mack. This isn't to gang up, and believe me no one could have told me any different back in the day about anything. I had to learn the hard way because that is what i needed. That is you only option here. Invest and learn the hardest way imaginable or like Mack said, short term pain now and saving yourself so much time in the future.. I never realised i was co-dependant. Since i was 2yrs old my mum said i looked for exclusivity from people and expected a lot. No one is perfect So i am not advising we 'perfect' ourselves before entering relationships but Mack is right in what he said: you want to help her to avoid dealing with you (what is it you are not dealing with? unfullfilled dreams/aspirations?) and emotionally healthy people do not get with emotionally unhealthy people. Your thinking is sliding into the unhealthy and this will only attract more crap to your life.