I broke up with her after she hit me

[michaelc82]

Hey Everyone.. Well I'm back after 2 1/2 years of living drama free (since my last breakup).

 

So here's the deal, I've been with her about 7 months.. In that time we ended up moving in together after about 3 months into a temporary sublet due to financial reasons on both our sides.. After the month long stay in the sublet we both decided to get a place together and bite the bullet considering we already tried living with one another for the month. We definitely moved in too soon, but thought we would try it out.

 

My finances picked up, and I immediately became responsible for lending money, paying for vacations, buying big ticket items like fridges, beds, etc. buying most of the dinners we go out on (we eat out very regularly 4-5 times a week usually). This led to many a argument, which led to arguments about other things.

 

I started to notice the frequency of arguments go up, and also a rise in her anger. For example, I left dishes in the sink over night, which led to a fight where I had my shoes thrown at me and being told how much she hated me.

 

We've lived together for 7 months now, and the fighting happens quite regularly. It's always over trivial things where a fight should not be the outcome. She nagged at me, yelled at me, and said I don't contribute to the household. (I pay for the cleaning lady to come once a week, i pay my half for groceries, I wash dishes, I sweep, I buy all the furniture, and even just bought a new bed I couldn't really afford because she liked it). I could go on and on here.

 

 

The part that has really driven me crazy is all her yelling, and constant nagging leads me to spiral down her path of anger.. I've said some things I'm not proud of, but it's all pretty pg-13 in my opinion. Maybe M.

 

This last week we were fighting all week long (shoes thrown at me, hit with towels and paper). The weekend came and she wanted to make up and have a nice weekend together.. I wanted to go surfing and hang out with my friends 2 hours outside of town, and get some time away from her, and space. Well this made her quite mad at me. I told her we needed some space and that I was going out with friends friday night before I left the next day. She's txting me all night, expecting me to drop what Im doing to come home and see her. Finally I get home at around 2am, go to bed and she is so pissed at me.. Barely talking, and being very blunt. I try to hug her and she tells me not to touch her. Next thing I know she starts yelling at me, going off on all sorts of things, and then calls my friends "douche bags" (which I can safely say they are not).. So I get all mad, and call her a bitch.. Then tell her that her friends are Fashion Whores that only care about spending their guys money and buying the next handbag or shoes. This led her to get up out of bed come over to my side of the bed and punch me 4 times repeatedly in the face. She then picked up 2 candles in jars and smashed them on the ground. She was in such a fit of rage!!!! I txted me friend (shes good friends with his wife) that I needed to come stay the night because of what happend.. She grabbed my phone from me, and was disgusted that I told him she hit me. She then kept my phone hostage while I repeatedly asked her for it back so I could call a cab (my car was parked at his place)

 

 

Next thing I know she offers a ride to his place. During the ride over I broke up with her, and told her it was over and that her behavior has gotten out of control. She's trying to tell me at this point that we need couples therapy, and she's willing to change.. Balling her eyes out telling me how sorry she is. I get to my friends place and she refuses to leave. At this point it's about 4am and they have a baby sleeping inside. She's yelling and screaming at me outside their house, so i run around the corner , jumped in my car and peeled outta town to my friends place 2 hours away.

 

I haven't seen her since, and only responded to 1 email she sent me which was very short.

 

She is telling me how ashamed she is of her actions towards me, and that it will never happen again and also how much she loves me.

 

I'm a little confused here.. A part from her being a crazy fiery woman at times, she really is a sweetheart. When it's good it's soooooo good. Probaby the best i've ever had. But when it's bad.... You get the picture.

 

I still haven't gone home or talked to her. I broke up with her that night, and she wants me back.. I'm still in love with her, but not sure what to do here.

 

Michael

[destroyed4sho]

Well, her punching you is a big red flag...its called being physically abused. Will she get physical again when she is hurting or having a bad day? Probably.

Trust is gone...

She needs to rebuild that trust and express why she is hurting rather than turning physically abusive. She took it to another level and best thing to do is get rid of her at this point.

[stillafool]

You did the right thing to break up with that psycho bi---. Don't ever let anyone disrespect you that way. Thank God you weren't married and with kids to this nut. I hope you don't cave and go back to her for more physical abuse. Go strict NC on this girl - Forever!

[KatZee]

2 hours isn't far enough away from this crazy b.itch. Keep driving. And when you think you're far away enough, get back in the car and keep driving some more.

 

7 months and this is how volatile the relationship is? She has problems. She's unappreciative, she's got clear anger issues, control issues... do you really even want to mess with this for a second longer? If you guys need couples therapy after not even a year together... forget it.

 

She's a toxic and unhealthy person for you. She's abusive emotionally, verbally and now physically. She's not making you a better individual, she's bringing you down. You both seem to bring out the worst in each other.

 

You're playing with fire if you stay with this person. You WILL get burned. It seems she acts all, "It's my way or the highway" and if you don't do exactly what she says, when she says it, she's going to freak out on you.

 

You don't need therapy, SHE needs therapy and she should be getting it for herself. Not because she wants to keep you.

 

I'd say you dodged a huge huge huge bullet here. You're definitely on your way to becoming a battered boyfriend. You think if the rolls were reversed and you were punching her in the face, anyone would advise her to stay? Everyone would in fact be advising her to call the cops to have your a.ss thrown in jail. The situation is no different. She abuses you and when you leave she begs you to stay and that she'll change. You believe this? No abuser changes.

[yessy21]

Damn little man arent you in a pickle.

 

once it escalates to physical violence.... it all goes downhill from there.

 

thats lack of respect.

 

my suggestion is sit down and let her know that if she becomes violent again. it over.

 

NOT ONE MORE TIME.

 

if u let her then theres no knowing how far it will go one day when she suddenly blows up on you.

[geegirl]

I can't even believe you would contemplate the possibility of going back to this.

 

Leaving dishes in the sink and she throws shoes at you. Then tells you she hates you.

 

There is something dark embedded within her core that unleases when she's in that mental state. It's not going to go away, just because you love her. You have to love yourself more to keep from tolerating abuse just because you "love" her.

 

She should seek therapy on her own, find her balance and then seek the possibility of being in a relationship. And that's going to take a lot of time. You can't fix broken. There's more to her than what couples therapy can do for the relationship.

 

You should stay away from a ticking time bomb and do yourself a favor by accepting that while it is love you feel for her, it certainly isn't enough to create a stable and loving relationship with someone with this emotional and mental state.

Edited April 10, 2013 by geegirl

[Mack05]

Michael I broke up with a girl because she hit me. After a year apart (and her really trying) we got back together. She promised to never do it again. I got punched cause I didn't spend enough time talking to her one night. This is despite the fact that I told her I didn't want her to come in to the bar, cause I hadn't seen my mates in 4 years and wouldn't be able to give her my full attention. She came in anyway and caused a HUGE scene. She hated when my spotlight was not directly on her.

 

Outside the bar she punches me and kicks me. A guy walking past thinks I am hitting her, gets the wrong end of the stick and punches me too. I punch him back, pin him to the floor and tell him what happened. He says she is a psycho!!! He was right. She threw every piece of jewellery I ever bought her down the drain the same night. I really should never have taken her back

 

A few years down the line we were at a friends of her's wedding. She was really drunk and insulting me in front of her friends/their partners at the dinner table. She was going through a rough time (her dad was very ill) but I wasn't going to sit there getting abused for no good reason. I hadn't opened my mouth all day. I didn't want a scene so I waited till she went to the bar and went up to the hotel room. I decided to leave the wedding. I was furious. On my way out she starts screaming at me again. I turned to her and said calmly what did I do to deserve this? She then punches me twice in the face.

 

I went back to her a third time after she got teary and apologetic. I excused her behaviour cause her dad was ill. I cannot tell you the effect this had on my life. I stayed 2 years in a severely abusive relationship and just took it cause her dad was sick. I would have felt like a %%^&& if I left her when she needed me. I kept hoping for the sweet girl I loved to come back, but she rarely did.

 

My self esteem changed drastically in those two years. I am only addressing these self esteem issues 7 years later. I finally made a decision to change after leaving another abusive woman (although she never hit me, I believe she is capable of it)..It was emotional and verbal. I made a choice to NEVER allow a woman to abuse me in anyway again. The first sign in future and I am off..The thing is though, people with high self esteem don't gravitate to abusive people. Try remember that..Please do not go back. Don't make the mistakes I made..

Edited April 10, 2013 by Mack05

[Chi townD]

Yep! time to move on. Hitting someone you are supposed to "love" isn't right in ANY gender. You would be surprised at the number of men that are physically abused in a relationship. They just don't report it because of the embarassment.

[michaelc82]

Hey Everyone,

 

Thanks for your responses. This combined with speaking to friends and family definitely brings a lot more clarity to situation.

 

A lot of people have told me the same thing "Get out". Some people specificaly woman who I trust including my Mom said to maybe give her another chance if she honestly beleives she was wrong in her actions and is working towards seeking help with anger issues. Basicaly laying down firm boundries, around what is and isn't right.

 

To preface why I think should do this.. She's a recovering alcaholic.. Has been sober for 3 years and attends meetings regularly. I've supported her from day one with this, and completely respected the fact that she has made a concious effort in bettering herself (and has worked quite hard to do so). To non-alcaholics the word can sound crazy, but I've learned enough about it to know it's something that effects a lot of people, some who don't even know they are alcaholics.

 

She admited in an email that I'm right about a lot of the things I've said to her about who she is.. I've been very blunt and to the point on calling out her bull****. And she said she want's to seek help for herself. I know it won't happen overnight, but she is concious of her behavior and looking to rectify it.

 

She hit me, that's that. Trust is broken on my side, and shows me (and herself) she needs help. She want's to talk to me tonight, I'm still not sure I'm ready to talk to her.

 

She really is a good person in so many ways.. It's just unfortunate she has anger management issues.

 

Still unclear on what to do.

Edited April 10, 2013 by michaelc82

[ThatJustHappened]

Hey Everyone,

 

Thanks for your responses. This combined with speaking to friends and family definitely brings a lot more clarity to situation.

 

A lot of people have told me the same thing "Get out". Some people specificaly woman who I trust including my Mom said to maybe give her another chance if she honestly beleives she was wrong in her actions and is working towards seeking help with anger issues. Basicaly laying down firm boundries, around what is and isn't right.

 

To preface why I think should do this.. She's a recovering alcaholic.. Has been sober for 3 years and attends meetings regularly. I've supported her from day one with this, and completely respected the fact that she has made a concious effort in bettering herself (and has worked quite hard to do so). To non-alcaholics the word can sound crazy, but I've learned enough about it to know it's something that effects a lot of people, some who don't even know they are alcaholics.

 

She admited in an email that I'm right about a lot of the things I've said to her about who she is.. I've been very blunt and to the point on calling out her bull****. And she said she want's to seek help for herself. I know it won't happen overnight, but she is concious of her behavior and looking to rectify it.

 

She hit me, that's that. Trust is broken on my side, and shows me (and herself) she needs help. She want's to talk to me tonight, I'm still not sure I'm ready to talk to her.

 

She really is a good person in so many ways.. It's just unfortunate she has anger management issues.

 

Still unclear on what to do.

 

Really? You're still unclear?

 

She is abusive. Unless she's willing to enter an anger management program and therapy, you walk away.

[KatZee]

She really is a good person in so many ways.. It's just unfortunate she has anger management issues.

 

Still unclear on what to do.

 

If you were married to her and had kids I would side with your mother about possibly giving her a second chance to prove to you she could change.

 

But dating 7 months, no obligation to her, no legal bindings to her, no kids? Sorry, get out of there. That's great you've supported her. You're a great person but stop trying to fix what's broken. You can't fix her. Stop looking for "fixer uppers."

 

You're not going to magically be in some wonderful relationship. She's been sober for THREE YEARS. She's had problems. Does this give her the right to treat you like a complete pile of garbage and put her hands on you?

 

Dealbreaker. Done. Anger issues is only ONE of her problems. Get THE F.UCK OUT.

[KatZee]

This just reads like a classic abuser/abusee case.

 

She (abuser) breaks you down emotionally and verbally. You're nothing to her. She hates you. You're a horrible person because you left a dish in the sink. "Why can't you keep house like a partner is supposed to do?!"

 

The verbal abuse escalates until she's in your face punching you with closed fists. Apparently this is all your fault. You pushed her to being this angry with you. She breaks household items.

 

You (abusee) is not yet broken so far down where you see the behavior as acceptable. So you break up with her. Her, being the typical abuser begs and pleads and cries for you not to leave her. She's so wrong! She doesn't know why she does the things she does, but if you give her another chance she'll never hurt you again!

 

Guarantee you she'll "change" for 5 seconds until the next time you do something she doesn't like. And because she's already begun to beat you, she'll do it again. This is a cycle. It doesn't just stop. Even with therapy it can continue. There is no magic cure. You're with a seriously broken and mentally ill individual. If you want ANY chance of a happy future and a healthy relationship with a loving, caring, and supportive partner, then get out of this relationship.

 

Loving her is not enough, sorry to say. And if you DO stay, you're going to wind up just like that above poster who became so broken, so insecure and who kept running back to HIS abuser. She will push you so far down that you'll feel worthless and then YOU'RE going to need therapy to understand how you allowed yourself to be abused for so long.

[Mack05]

Katzee speaks the truth...

[geegirl]

I don't think anyone can make you see differently because you will find ways to justify it in your head that she deserves a chance. I can't imagine being with someone that is screaming out on someone's front lawn like a raving lunatic at 4AM. Alongside punching me in the face repeatedly -- an absolute dealbreaker. But if you can take the risk of it not happening again, then step forth and be that person to help her. It's your cross to bear, not ours.

 

Most times, people talk the talk to get their partner securely where they need them to be. For your sake, I hope it's her being reflective, remorseful and determined to make a change, for herself and not a bunch of words to get you back.

 

I don't believe it's just a matter of her inability to control her anger. Hopefully therapy in whatever form will help both of you decide if it's really going to work.

[michaelc82]

Really? You're still unclear?

 

She is abusive. Unless she's willing to enter an anger management program and therapy, you walk away.

 

 

Well I'm definitely clear she's abusive.. I'm just confused, because she claims I'm abusive by saying the stuff I do when I get man. I have high enough esteem to know that being hit is bad, so thats why I left. Now I'm just going through the remnents to see if there's enough left to salvage.

[Mack05]

Michael the girl I was with for 8 years, the girl who punched me on two separate occasions has an AMAZING side to her. For the first 3 years of our relationship she was amazing to be with. Everything a man would look for and then some.

 

When she punched that night, for me everything should have changed. Yes I saw that great girl again for a few years after we got back together, but she did hit me again.

 

No great relationships involve abuse of any nature and I wish I figured that out back then.

[michaelc82]

I don't think anyone can make you see differently because you will find ways to justify it in your head that she deserves a chance. I can't imagine being with someone that is screaming out on someone's front lawn like a raving lunatic at 4AM. Alongside punching me in the face repeatedly -- an absolute dealbreaker. But if you can take the risk of it not happening again, then step forth and be that person to help her. It's your cross to bear, not ours.

 

Most times, people talk the talk to get their partner securely where they need them to be. For your sake, I hope it's her being reflective, remorseful and determined to make a change, for herself and not a bunch of words to get you back.

 

I don't believe it's just a matter of her inability to control her anger. Hopefully therapy in whatever form will help both of you decide if it's really going to work.

 

 

 

The only reason I'm even considering taking her back is all the hard work I've seen her do to battle alcaholism.. She's commited to it, and devoted her life to not drinking.. She's a working professional, successful at what she does, and because of her commitment to stop drinking she's done that. However, other issues are coming up now such as the feelings she has from her father passing away when she was 19 (when the alcaholism started).. She's 30 now and needs to figure her **** out. I definitely don't want to be feeling like I took on an tormented rescue kitten, but I do.

[stillafool]

Basically she sounds just like men who beat their wives. They cry, apologize, beg and promise to never do it again, until - THEY DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

 

I say get out now because like Katzee said, whether you know it or not she is bringing you down. I'm surprised your Mom said to give her another chance. Did you tell your Mom everything?

 

Who knows, she may go back to drinking at some point. She doesn't sound like she'd make a good mother with all of her anger issues. Would you want to expose a child to that?

[KatZee]

Well I'm definitely clear she's abusive.. I'm just confused, because she claims I'm abusive by saying the stuff I do when I get man. I have high enough esteem to know that being hit is bad, so thats why I left. Now I'm just going through the remnents to see if there's enough left to salvage.

 

An abuser is always going to try and put them blame on YOU to make YOU out to be wrong, and to make you believe you're the reason they're behaving that way.

 

Look at any abuser when they say, "if only you wouldn't make me so mad!" "if only you didn't do/say those things I wouldn't have hit you!"

 

Instead of them actually taking a look at the things THEY do, they deflect. They project onto their abusee. It's another trick they use to break you down.

 

I think you're entirely justified in speaking up when she's treating you horribly. That doesn't mean you're an abuser. Could you handle things better and bite your tongue? Sure. But the abuser is not you. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

[GorillaTheater]

The only reason I'm even considering taking her back is all the hard work I've seen her do to battle alcaholism.. She's commited to it, and devoted her life to not drinking.. She's a working professional, successful at what she does, and because of her commitment to stop drinking she's done that. However, other issues are coming up now such as the feelings she has from her father passing away when she was 19 (when the alcaholism started).. She's 30 now and needs to figure her **** out. I definitely don't want to be feeling like I took on an tormented rescue kitten, but I do.

 

You want to be a White Knight for a Princess who'll take a mace to the side of your head?

 

I think you need to value yourself more than you apparently do.

[Mack05]

I definitely don't want to be feeling like I took on an tormented rescue kitten, but I do.

 

so she is the recovering alcoholic and you are the codependent in this relationship? The line above is EXACTLY what a codependent person would say.

 

This story gets played out everyday in America and the rest of the world -> Codependency, Alcohol, Drugs, Addiction Freedom, Rehab and Recovery

[GorillaTheater]

so she is the recovering alcoholic and you are the codependent in this relationship? The line above is EXACTLY what a codependent person would say.

 

This story gets played out everyday in America and the rest of the world -> Codependency, Alcohol, Drugs, Addiction Freedom, Rehab and Recovery

 

Ever been to an Al-Anon meeting, Michael? Might do you alot of good.

 

And women outnumber men by about 10 to 1. Just saying.

[tbf]

I'm a woman and are telling you to get out of this abusive situation fraught full of domestic violence. If anything, you should have called the cops on her in order to start a file. For all you know, she may already have a file and your call will add to it.

 

Don't ever let anyone treat you this way again.

[siankat]

Ok i find this topic really interesting because i have been physically abused in relationships and then turned the tables on them so here is my take;

 

1st time, my ex slapped me over the back of the head because during a play fight (in public), we were fighting and howling with laughter trying to get the same can of juice; he was leaning over me, i pushed it out his reach, he hit me I left him that night and after much begging from him over the months i got back with him: i was bored and lonely (because none of us ever really want to get back with someone who has hit us, but we do want the person they are when they are not abusive). I always felt disempowered after that. To regain some balance back (that pretty much ended up being my goal so we could move on), after discussing whether it was a 'tap' or a 'slap' i said 'ok, i'll show you. Not now, but i'll show you ok?' He laughed and agreed. Few minutes later we passed a group of lads and out of the blue i slapped him hard over the back of the head. We kept walking with the lads saying 'ooh u gonna let her get away with that!!' and him saying 'its ok haha its ok'.

 

Fast forward we knew each other for 10 years more and while he never hit me again he never fully acknowledged what he did and in an argument once he admitted he would slap his future wife if she cheated on him. (he slapped his ex for cheating).

 

I never really forgave him, ended up hating him for it, once its done its done, he couldn't take it back and i felt like total crap even trying to equalise things by 'giving one back' as it were. It's not what i wanted. You can find someone who this WILL NEVER EVEN BE AN ISSUE WITH. And that's where you wanna be, not this no man's land of fear and intrepidation. Things in all aspects slide pretty quickly after someone raises a hand anyway. A lot of things in life are a dance, a game, however you want to look at it. Do not play this game.

 

The day you go back with a person who has hit you is the first day of many that you are missing out on the life you are meant to be leading and trust me, the best moments you will EVER HAVE with that person have already been and gone. Cherish the memories, pretend she died, mourn her, and move on. The gal YOU love no longer exists.

[KatZee]

One more thing I have to add here... when I was growing up, as a little girl I would spend time at my grandparents apartment. I don't remember the context of this conversation, or why he even brought this up... but I remember my grandfather telling me that if any guy ever put his hands on me that I should tell him... and he'd find them with a baseball bat and beat the s.hit out of them.

 

I was probably like 4 or 5 when he told me this. I remember these words TO this day and I will never ever forget them. I grew up always knowing that if a guy put his hands on me, he was bad news, and it wouldn't be tolerated.

 

I think it's important that everyone be brought up this way, and when I'm a mother I will tell my children from a very young age the exact same thing. I will break anyone's legs before they think they can put a hand on me, or my future kids.