jwhite Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 TL;DR at BOTTOM. A little over 5 months ago my ex broke up with me after almost 5 years together, suffice it to say it sucked a big one. I used this site to connect with others going through the same thing and found a lot of inspiration, guidance, and consolation. I thank god for this place. Post break up, I made a commitment to myself that I would not worry about girls for 6 months(probably should be more like a year), but I have failed that promise to myself with flying colors. I CANNOT seem to detach myself from the attraction and desire I have for women. I am ALWAYS looking and thinking. Anyway, I have had a few encounters with a couple of girls. The first is long gone and I wasn't attracted to her anyway. The second is a little older than me, and decently attractive. We were in the grounds between acquaintances and friends until we were at an event together. She showed a LOT of interest that day, so much so I honestly thought I would get laid if I tried. We ended up at one of my friends house, I ended up kissing her but fate did not allow more. I can make up excuses but I know that I did not pursue because of my fear of communication/courting performance. We did not exchange numbers or anything. She said something about the kiss to our mutual friend the next day, I know this because our friend texted me about it basically saying that she didn't think I had it in me to do something like that. Fast forward 3 weeks to the planned mutual friend bday party at Universal Studios weekend; I knew she was coming. I did not know how she felt about that night we kissed, but I was prepared for both the positive and the negative. It seemed positive and I was right. We basically hung out and made out the entire night. Woke up the next day to go to universal. This is where the it gets a little iffy. We kissed a couple of times at the park and did some flirting. I was not really paying much attention to her because I fear failure so much. She also said that she couldn't remember after a certain point of the night before, basically that time involved a huge make out session. I said nothing. Another guy starts flirting with her, it seemed like she was not really interested at first, but then it seemed to change....maybe it was just me? They were only walking, talking, goofing and such, but it got to me none the less. One of the mutual friends said something to the effect of "You have a little bit of competition there, he is coming on full on" and yes it was obvious he was. I said nothing and did nothing. I used to be vocally jealous quite some time ago, it was miserable so I let that go. In the end, we had two cars, one of them was mine, as small car with three people already, and the other car of our mutual friend which is larger and she went in the larger car to bring the guy home. I am trying to convince myself that her riding in the other vehicle meant nothing, but for me it really did suck inside. I have not heard much of anything, but that is how my friends and I have always been anyway....we hang out on the weekends, drink, recover, then go back to work. So I just want to know if I am pedestalling again?...she IS much more attractive to me now after all of this. What did she mean by basically omitting a huge portion of Saturday night, even though she was kind of receptive the next day? *** was up with her and that guy? I mean did she notice that I wasn't paying attention to her and she wanted to make me jealous? I just want to have fun, but something in me wants more....I don't want these feelings right now. TL;DR I suck with communication. Not really looking for a relationship before I can heal ME post BU. Met a girl. Not sure where everything stands after her letting another guy flirt with her in front of me. Numbers have NOT been exchanged. Don't know *** the next step is or should be.
Author jwhite Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Is it how I wrote it that does not invoke responses?
salparadise Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) I think the responses are not happening because you haven't posed a clear question. Your post mostly describes how you feel and the events that took place. Clarify exactly the question you want people to address in your own mind, word in a way that will be intriguing, and make that the last sentence of the post. I'll take a shot at what I think you're asking... the uncertainty you have due to the painful breakup is causing you to send mixed signals. If a woman shows interest, she wants your attention and a certain degree of confident, aggressive pursuit. If you're hot and cold she just reads it as some combination of you being unsure of yourself and/or lack of genuine interest in her. She doesn't analyze it much- it's just not what makes her feel sexy and attracted to you. So don't act tentative and then wonder why they walk away. It's just the way they're wired. They're always going to be attracted to confidence. If you spark her urge to merge (flirting, making out, etc.), then start acting unconfident, tentative and inconsistent, you're leaving her wide open to an approach by another guy who is better at playing the game and being the kind of male that flips her switch. When it comes to mate selection, women don't do charity. Edited April 10, 2013 by salparadise 1
Author jwhite Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 So should I get her number and call her to go out or something? 1
reaver Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 If youre not looking for a relationship, please make sure you dont lead girls on and use them for sex. It SUCKS to be a girl looking for something real and to be somebody's rebound. Theres nothing wrong with flirting though, its a good confidence booster. I honestly wouldnt worry too much what women think about you, since you dont want a relationship. Dont use other women to create comfort in order to deal with your BU. Just look at it as dating for fun. Its prob. not what you want to hear though. You focus so much on ladies and attraction because its tied to your self esteem and a coping mechanism...I was like this when I was younger. Its one thing to be secure in yourself and you happen to come across dating a fair amont, its another thing to NEED attention from the opposite sex to feel good about yourself.
Author jwhite Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 The main reason I don't want to get into a relationship is that I don't have a ton of time to devote to it. I don't mind hanging out a couple of times a week and talking on the phone now and then, but talking on the phone everyday is ridiculous. I am busy 5 days a week from sun up to bed time. I have no intention to use her as a rebound or for sex, on the contrary I wish she not use me! She is part of my recouped circle of friends, so using her is not an option. She has been on my mind for the last 72 hours straight. I keep thinking I messed up and I want her to say I didn't. I want to explain things, but not look less confident at the same time. Just knowing she feels the same as I would be completely enough.
dasein Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Agree with what salparadise said. People play jealousy games and people also can react favorably to pursuit, no idea which here. Ask her out and get your answer. Good luck.
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