nanisore Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) How would you feel? I am not a needy person at all. In fact, my boyfriends in the past wanted me to be more needy. If I don't hear from my boyfriend everyday, I am fine. Two days, maybe even three. We all get busy. But in general, I think one text or short phone call every 48 hours or so, is fine. We7ve been dating for a year and we even went on a two week vacation a few months ago together. He even invited me on this vacation, but I didn't think it was good for me to go, work and money wise. So he goes on vacation. I asked him to send me a message letting me know he arrived safely, and one before he leaves. So I know he is safe. But it has been over 18 days and I got neither a safety confirmation or a 'I'm coming home, see you soon" email. And, now that it is the evening of the day that he is to return, I am finally upset. He said he wasn't taking his ipad on vacation, so maybe it's diificult to send a safety confirmation from an internet cafe, or borrowing someone's computer or connection to send a these words, "can't talk. having a good time. (Thinking of you - optional =) , see you later." Just those words would put me at ease. He can tell me about his vacation when he gets back. No need to spend more than two minutes talking to me on his vacation! Ladies? How would you feel? I am really tempted to send a short message to him saying, "let's talk." I am starting to feel neglected. Red flag? Am I over reacting? Edited April 10, 2013 by nanisore
Amelie1980 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 No you're not over reacting. 18 days is a long time. Unless he's in the middle of a war zone he would find a way to.contact you. 1
Author nanisore Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Thank you, Amelie. Even a completely unsappy woman like me would find two minutes within 18 days to send at least one message. I was starting to feel that I was asking too much. Thanks.
Author nanisore Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 No. I met his parents formally two months ago, when he told them he wanted to marry me. At that time, his mother was so happy because he is 30 and never expressed a desire to marry anyone. And no, they have not had any contact with him either. Although, that doesn't surprise me because he doesn't get along with his sister, and rarely talks to his father. His mother, who is talks the most often with, every few days like me, has also not heard from him. I am a bit worried and upset at the same time.
carhill Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 It's good that you and his family are in touch. Perhaps this is an issue which can be resolved upon his return. IMO, since no contact has been consistent, absent foul play, it's a positive sign. You're being treated the same way as his family, since you are long down the road to being his family. Up to you how this style sets with you and what comes next. Tip: Ask about his vacation. Listen. Hold your opinion on his no contact for the moment. The right time will present itself. I'm sure his mother will facilitate it 1
TheGuard13 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Is he on a cruise, specifically an international cruise?
CarrieT Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I would seriously question marrying this person who is so obviously disrespectful of another in this regard. 6
stillafool Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I probably wouldn't be available to him for like 8 days after he returned. If he doesn't make you a priority don't make him one. 1
Author nanisore Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Carhill, Thank you for your answer. It is quite a reasonable deduction. I never had a boyfriend or a fiance that went more than a week without thinking of me enough to send some sort of commication while on vacation. It doesnt sit well with me, but attacking his on it doesnt fit well with me either. I believe you are right, the opportunity will present itself. Thanks for your tip.
Author nanisore Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 ` @CarrieT - I can totally understand that too. I would be lying if his actions have't had an effect on how I feel about us. @Stillafool - Yes, I feel that too. I don't want to be foolish, but I can't ignore that I started to feel this way on day 17. I was worried by day three, but told myself to stay cool, but its a bit much I feel. @TheGuard13 - No, he is visiting a Carribbean island.
carhill Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Some sample communication: 'When you didn't call/contact as we had agreed, I felt very worried and concerned, especially when your family had not heard from you.' Listen. How he addresses your feelings in this matter speaks to his desire and ability to work with you as a team. You're engaged to be married. Big step. Big commitment. 1
TheGuard13 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 No, he is visiting a Carribbean island. Sometimes (not all the time), but sometimes, when you're outside the US and its territories, or in an exotic locale, specifically in the Caribbean, you won't be able to get cell phone reception/service. This happens on a lot of cruises in the area, and kept me from contacting my own fiancee for a week a few years ago, in part because I wasn't going to pay like $10 a minute for their highway robbery internet/phone service. Depending on where he is, I'd think they would have a phone or internet somehow, but you never know. I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet. Talk to him about it for sure, because you'd think there's some way he could contact you, but I'd wait and see what the circumstances are. 1
LittleTiger Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Unless something major has happened which has prevented him from making contact, I would call off the engagement. Personally, I wouldn't want to be married to someone unless they wanted to talk to me every day. I don't consider myself needy, I just think it's normal for people who are engaged or married to want daily contact. We all have different views I suppose but, to me, marriage is about sharing a life together. If you don't speak for days (or in this case weeks) at a time, how is that sharing a life? 1
LeGenDary_Man Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) @nanisore I advice you to wait for his return and then seek clarification from him for NC period. If he haven't contacted even his family members (excluding you) during his vacation then their might be a reason behind it. This disclosure suggests that he is not "intentionally" ignoring you. You mentioned that he visited a "Carribbean island" so this might be the reason for lack of contact. Be rational; not emotional. @CarrieT @stillafool @LittleTiger Seriously? Instead of helping OP, you are advising her to make a premature decision? Focus on her disclosures first before advising her. Edited April 12, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man
CarrieT Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 @CarrieT Seriously? Instead of helping OP, you are advising her to make a premature decision? I did not advise her to make a decision. I stated: "I would seriously question marrying this person who is so obviously disrespectful of another in this regard." That is an investigative maneuver, not a decision-making one. Has anyone asked the basic question: Why is someone who is recently engaged going on an extended vacation alone? 2
wisernow Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 (edited) First off, I hope your guy is okay and nothing bad has happened to him. Secondly, beyond this trip, what is his usual pattern of contact? Has he shown this sort of behavior in the past? I'd be real interested in hearing his reasons for no contact in 18 days. What you asked for ( the message that he'd arrived) was certainly reasonable, and I'm guessing he agreed to do that, and there isn't many places on the globe where you can't find an Internet cafe to send a quick message. So, I guess your stuck waiting to hear his reasons. But if he gets annoyed or angry, I'd say, big red flag and proceed with caution. Edited April 12, 2013 by wisernow
LittleTiger Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 @LittleTiger Seriously? Instead of helping OP, you are advising her to make a premature decision? Focus on her disclosures first before advising her. Ditto, CarrieT's answer to this question. I said what my thoughts on this situation are and what I would do - assuming he turns out to be ok and doesn't have a reasonable explanation for his disappearance. Personally, I would not have waited longer than a couple of days before contacting his family to find out if they heard from him. Never mind 18! I wouldn't want to marry someone who chose to go away on such a long holiday without me unless it was to do something I really wouldn't enjoy. The OPs question was 'how would other ladies feel and was she overreacting?' - and I gave her my answer.
venusianx13 Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 FWIW, I hope everything turned out alright. I must say, I would have definitely reached out to him myself, by now, if I were in your position. I'd be worried sick, in all honesty. Please let us know what happened, as it seems he was due to arrive home yesterday.
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