reaver Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) I do not consider myself old. I am about to turn 29. I keep seeing posts here by men saying if they dont have sex by date 3, or at least try, the girl gets "turned off" Im sorry but I think thats a bunch of baloney. It sounds like an excuse so they can get sex early. I know some girls exist that do get physical early, and they usually display many "DTF" signals on dates, so Im not discounting that happens, but not hooking up with a girl early on doesnt necessarily make her not interested in you. If a guy didnt try to do anything physical with me at all during the first few dates Id wonder if hes not interested in me but I wouldnt think that just because we didnt make it to base 3. I had a girls night out last night with 6 other girls and asked them if theyd be turned off if a guy didnt try to do more than kiss them in 3 dates and every single one said no they wouldnt be turned off, if they liked the guy. Many did say at that point they figure out however, if they actually like the guy or not, so if they stop initiating contact/dates/peace out it is usually due to that. Is this a younger generational thing that I am not aware of? It seems younger men feel entitled to sex early and say "if you dont try she will be turned off" Its one of the most ridiculous things Ive ever heard. My friends would be turned OFF by a guy pressuring her to have sex within the first 3 dates because they assume thats all he wants according to them and I agree (and that is usually all that guys in that scenario want...) Interestingly I asked my male friends about this last night too and they said if a girl puts out that easy they doubt shes good girlfriend material and for a girl they really like, they try to not have sex so early. Perhaps its just my social circle and my age. Edited April 10, 2013 by reaver 2
tricolors Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I'm almost 34. I'd tend to agree with you it's a generational thing. That's fine if you're just wanting sex, but I can't see starting off a real relationship like that. I think the entire generation of young people who grew up with the internet from a young age have kooky outlooks on everything... 4
USMCHokie Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I would speculate that this is more a result of online dating. When a woman has such a high number of dating options and actively multi-dates, it usually pays to be sexually aggressive, as sex tends to create a chemically motivated emotional bond (oxytocin). The first penis in "wins," so to speak, and it will help distinguish you from the other suitors. 4
yessy21 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I dont like men who put out to fast. Ill be like.... "damn you eazzzzzyyyy." 3
january2011 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I think that there is something to be said for expressing and maintaining interest in terms of finding the other person attractive, but how that translates into "pushing for sex" is unclear. I suggest that it's a negotiation between the two unique individuals involved and an arbitrary figure of "three dates in" probably does not apply to everyone. Open and honest communication about expectations might help. For the 30s+ crowd, I think it depends if they are returning to the world of dating after a long relationship or if they have been out there dating for quite a while. One would expect that sex would figure earlier for people who have been sexually active for most of their adult life and have had multiple sexual partners. For those thirtysomethings who've come out of a long-term relationship, perhaps they are more likely to have insecurities around sex with a new partner and dating etiquette in general. These people might prefer to establish the relationship first before having sex. Though granted, I've known divorcees who couldn't wait to sleep around before the divorce was finalised. 3
Poppy fields Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I had sex with my husband the first night I met him. We were both really horny! That was 8 years ago, and we are still going strong. Now, in this instance, I made the first move and made my intentions very clear. If he had not made a move on me, I would not have taken that as a sign he was not interested. Even after the 3rd date. I think if the guy is showing initiative by calling and planning dates, then the lack of physical assertiveness is not a sign of not being into you. Why would they keep hanging out if they were not interested? It is probably a matter of respect. 1
Emilia Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I had a girls night out last night with 6 other girls and asked them if theyd be turned off if a guy didnt try to do more than kiss them in 3 dates and every single one said no they wouldnt be turned off, if they liked the guy. Many did say at that point they figure out however, if they actually like the guy or not, so if they stop initiating contact/dates/peace out it is usually due to that. It's possible that they would like him more if he turned them on more though, no? Is this a younger generational thing that I am not aware of? It seems younger men feel entitled to sex early and say "if you dont try she will be turned off" Its one of the most ridiculous things Ive ever heard. My friends would be turned OFF by a guy pressuring her to have sex within the first 3 dates because they assume thats all he wants according to them and I agree (and that is usually all that guys in that scenario want...) Interestingly I asked my male friends about this last night too and they said if a girl puts out that easy they doubt shes good girlfriend material and for a girl they really like, they try to not have sex so early. Perhaps its just my social circle and my age. Not at all. Reading the second part of your post I'd say you move in quite conservative circles. 1
crude Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I don't think that many strangers have sex within the first 3 dates. It's a myth like those "rainbow parties" which seem to be an urban legend.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I do not consider myself old. I am about to turn 29. I keep seeing posts here by men saying if they dont have sex by date 3, or at least try, the girl gets "turned off" Im sorry but I think thats a bunch of baloney. It sounds like an excuse so they can get sex early. I know some girls exist that do get physical early, and they usually display many "DTF" signals on dates, so Im not discounting that happens, but not hooking up with a girl early on doesnt necessarily make her not interested in you. If a guy didnt try to do anything physical with me at all during the first few dates Id wonder if hes not interested in me but I wouldnt think that just because we didnt make it to base 3. I had a girls night out last night with 6 other girls and asked them if theyd be turned off if a guy didnt try to do more than kiss them in 3 dates and every single one said no they wouldnt be turned off, if they liked the guy. Many did say at that point they figure out however, if they actually like the guy or not, so if they stop initiating contact/dates/peace out it is usually due to that. Is this a younger generational thing that I am not aware of? It seems younger men feel entitled to sex early and say "if you dont try she will be turned off" Its one of the most ridiculous things Ive ever heard. My friends would be turned OFF by a guy pressuring her to have sex within the first 3 dates because they assume thats all he wants according to them and I agree (and that is usually all that guys in that scenario want...) Interestingly I asked my male friends about this last night too and they said if a girl puts out that easy they doubt shes good girlfriend material and for a girl they really like, they try to not have sex so early. Perhaps its just my social circle and my age. I'm almost the same age as you. I've generally found that if you're not having sex with the girl, someone else is. Of course, not all girls are like this, but many are. I think that's why you see many women complain about guys that are unwilling to commit. Many guys in this generation realize what I stated above and it's hard to commit to a girl like that. 1
Author reaver Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 It's possible that they would like him more if he turned them on more though, no? Not at all. Reading the second part of your post I'd say you move in quite conservative circles. Sure, but not in the first few dates. We hardly know the guy by that point. I wouldnt consider this behavior conservative. I guess my definition is different than yours. I would consider waiting longer than a few months to be conservative. Being promiscuous and sleeping with people before you hardly know them seems to be the social norm now and if youre one of the odd ones who doesnt you are labeled as "prude" "conservative" on this site. If I had this attitude of needing to sleep with a guy early on to prove my interest I would have slept with over 30 guys by now. And then all of the men would be saying my number is too high and im too easy. 1
Emilia Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Sure, but not in the first few dates. We hardly know the guy by that point. I wouldnt consider this behavior conservative. I guess my definition is different than yours. I would consider waiting longer than a few months to be conservative. Being promiscuous and sleeping with people before you hardly know them seems to be the social norm now and if youre one of the odd ones who doesnt you are labeled as "prude" "conservative" on this site. If I had this attitude of needing to sleep with a guy early on to prove my interest I would have slept with over 30 guys by now. And then all of the men would be saying my number is too high and im too easy. This is conservative in my eyes: Interestingly I asked my male friends about this last night too and they said if a girl puts out that easy they doubt shes good girlfriend material and for a girl they really like, they try to not have sex so early. I don't have a definition of how long someone should wait and I certainly don't think you should have sex to prove anything. On the other hand, your saying what your definition of conservative is ('waiting longer than a few months') will put you as conservative in my opinion because you base such a high value on length of wait. By the way I'm 40 BUT I also live in one of the most liberal cities in the world. So I'd imagine it depends on location. Living in smaller towns usually puts constrainst on behaviour for example. Which is also confirmed by this: 'And then all of the men would be saying my number is too high and im too easy.' 1
StanMusial Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I would speculate that this is more a result of online dating. When a woman has such a high number of dating options and actively multi-dates, it usually pays to be sexually aggressive, as sex tends to create a chemically motivated emotional bond (oxytocin). The first penis in "wins," so to speak, and it will help distinguish you from the other suitors. I think this is part of it at least, if you are into OLD. I also think since girls are so much flakier these days, some guys try to get it in real quick. I think in the future relationships will be frowned upon in general and people will just sort of casually hook up here and there. There will be an increasing number of males cut out of the game altogether most likely.
somedude81 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 The big fear of guys for waiting "too long" for sex is that she will make up her mind about him and think of him only as a friend. Personally I don't know if there is any truth to this fear or not. 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 The big fear of guys for waiting "too long" for sex is that she will make up her mind about him and think of him only as a friend. Personally I don't know if there is any truth to this fear or not. I need a guy to show me that he is sexually attracted to me. If he doesn't show me fast, I will assume he is not and move on. Once I move on, I am not able to go back to feeling passionate about someone. 3
somedude81 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I need a guy to show me that he is sexually attracted to me. If he doesn't show me fast, I will assume he is not and move on. Once I move on, I am not able to go back to feeling passionate about someone. Fear confirmed. Thanks ES
ltjg45 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 The big fear of guys for waiting "too long" for sex is that she will make up her mind about him and think of him only as a friend. Personally I don't know if there is any truth to this fear or not. I'm sure there is plenty of truth and why I don't see myself actually succeeding anytime soon. I'm a virgin. In my world, sex doesn't exist. I don't even know how to be interested in her sexually because, outside of a few people I lusted for that I never did approach, I wasn't attracted to her enough that I just want to bed her. Even if I were to do that, don't forget: I'm a virgin. I don't even know a single thing concerning what happens between the sheets outside of what I saw in porn and I don't trust that since it can easily be so degrading to women and I have no need to do that to anyone I be with, if I get with any woman at all. I'm already embarrassed enough that I admitted to watching porn. So I ended up preferring waiting for as long as possible but this ends up killing whatever attraction long before then but if I were to show attraction too soon, I would be considered as a player and the woman in question is wondering what is my real goal to gain out of this. I wish I know what my real goal is outside of just trying to understand you as a person. If I had the choice, I wouldn't get sexual until marriage because making sure we are on the same page as human beings is more important than what kind of chemistry is acquired by making love. Sounds like a "Your are damned if you do, damned if you don't." kind of scenario.
Author reaver Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 I would speculate that this is more a result of online dating. When a woman has such a high number of dating options and actively multi-dates, it usually pays to be sexually aggressive, as sex tends to create a chemically motivated emotional bond (oxytocin). The first penis in "wins," so to speak, and it will help distinguish you from the other suitors. Sounds good in theory. Dont think that always works for a guy's best interest though. EternalSunshine does not represent all women. Just like londonlad (who says he has to pressure a girl for sex early in order for her to stay interested in him) does not represent all men.
TheGuard13 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 It's less about sleeping together soon, and more about displaying sexual interest. Letting your potential partner know that you are interested in them sexually before they move on to someone else who has done so while you were dancing around it. 4
Andy_K Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I don't think that many strangers have sex within the first 3 dates. It's a myth like those "rainbow parties" which seem to be an urban legend. No myth. The vast majority of girls I've slept with have been in 1-3 dates, and were complete strangers beforehand. It's largely an OLD thing. I've never stopped dating a girl because we didn't sleep together soon enough, nor do I 'pressure' for it, but invariably I find if it hasn't happened after 3 dates it doesn't happen at all, because she's just not into me enough. Also, if she's multi-dating, invariably the first guy she sleeps with 'wins', so I find it's best to create opportunities early on and see what happens.
Author reaver Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) No myth. The vast majority of girls I've slept with have been in 1-3 dates, and were complete strangers beforehand. It's largely an OLD thing. I've never stopped dating a girl because we didn't sleep together soon enough, nor do I 'pressure' for it, but invariably I find if it hasn't happened after 3 dates it doesn't happen at all, because she's just not into me enough. Also, if she's multi-dating, invariably the first guy she sleeps with 'wins', so I find it's best to create opportunities early on and see what happens. It must be my age. None of the couples I know that got together through OLD took things that fast. They all told me they took things slowly. I dont like OLD. I did it for 3 years on and off and I found most of the guys on it pressured me for sex early even when I showed them I was interested and if I didnt give it to them were most likely playing the field and sleeping around. The whole if I dont get it from you, I will sleep with others until you will. Thats kind of...tacky. I generally find guys online dont respect you. I met a few nice ones that didnt work out for other reasons though. One time I met a guy online who had recently got out of a 5 year relationship. We dated 2 months and did everything but sex. He held off on the sex since he said he hadnt only slept with 1 girl and it was a big deal to him. It did not turn me off Why? Because I respect other people and pressuring someone for sex is not cool. Why would I want to sleep with a guy if hes not into it in the back of his mind? We eventually were in a 1 year relationship and the sex was fine. Him holding off on it didnt equal him having a low sex drive or hating sex. In general, I find guys doing OLD to be hard to trust due to that mentality. I take things slower online than I do with meeting people through my social circle. I sure as hell would never sleep with someone online in 3 dates, you hardly know the person and alot of people online lie. If it was someone I have known for quite some time, like a male friend, I might. Edited April 10, 2013 by reaver
Author reaver Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 I'd start believing in it. If I'm trying to date and not just hook up, I try and close within the first two dates. Otherwise she's not interested. Sounds like you just want sex early and are coming up with an excuse to have it early.
Brunettie Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I'm 21 and I don't lose interest if a guy doesn't try for sex early. In fact, I don't want him to. I want to know he's talking to me and going on dates with me to get to know me, not to try to 'score.' If by date 3 there's not been at least a little kiss, I will question his interest though. 1
Quiet Storm Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 My husband got me hooked by tonguing me down with a very passionate kiss on the first date. It was total electricity. I could've kneed him in the balls and never spoken to him again. But he went for the kiss, he knew he wanted me, took a risk and went for it. I liked that he was assertive, decisive, driven, brave. He had a goal in mind and made it happen. Those qualities were very attractive to me, and those traits made for a great husband/father. 22 years later, I still think he's sexy & strong. His assertive nature is also a positive for his career, and his parenting skills. 2
StanMusial Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 My husband got me hooked by tonguing me down with a very passionate kiss on the first date. It was total electricity. I could've kneed him in the balls and never spoken to him again. But he went for the kiss, he knew he wanted me, took a risk and went for it. I liked that he was assertive, decisive, driven, brave. He had a goal in mind and made it happen. Those qualities were very attractive to me, and those traits made for a great husband/father. 22 years later, I still think he's sexy & strong. His assertive nature is also a positive for his career, and his parenting skills. Hmm, sounds like you are being oppressed. Better call your district councilman I mean councilperson and get that sorted out.
Imajerk17 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) A big reason why guys push the physical early on, is exactly as the other guys said: "first dick in wins". As in, if we want a RELATIONSHIP with you, then we better get physical with you soon, before one of the other guys you are seeing does so. It's not about who of the guys you are seeing is the smartest, most successful, or best-looking, it is instead the guy whom you are investing the most of yourself with. And that is the guy you end up sleeping with. Pushing crudely for sex in a way that gets you to end up resisting us isn't the answer, but we as guys do need to be mindful of moving things along physically. I skimmed the thread, but I noticed that your friends who said that they wouldn't mind were speaking from the *hypothetical*. So I'll ask you a question: You're seeing 2 guys, Guy #1 and Guy #2. You think you like Guy #1 a little better, but then you and Guy #2 end up sleeping together on your last date with him. Do you think you would be open to sleeping with Guy #1 the next time you see him? Edited April 10, 2013 by Imajerk17
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