wrongturns Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone, firstly I would like to warn you that this might be a confusing/long story and apologies for making an account and posting a question/essay straight away:bunny: (I must admit I had been lurking on this forum in 2007, then now) A little introduction and history (i'll try to make everything short so please ignore the minimal choice of sentences): I'm female, I turned 27 in feb, am considered attractive (by opinions and reactions of other people) History: the love of my life in question is my high school sweet heart (lets name him "M"), we met when in school we were 16, back in 2003, so 10 years ago. It was love at first sight for me, was interested in no one else before and never had eyes for anyone else again. So back when I was 16, like any optimistic outgoing loved-up girl, I proceeded to chasing M as he was in our circle of friends, (i.e. the usual be extra nice to him, talk to him everyday, let him make fun of me, find chances to be near him or with him) almost everyone at school knew I liked him. My best friend "J" then, decided to go out with him as they were in the same class and met before I met him, and they showed mutual interest in each other. 2 weeks later she broke up with him saying he showed no interest and once again, this all happened at 16 so guess they were too young, and no intimate interactions. (she complained of not even kissing) So as a friend I have always chatted to both of these friends, and after they broke up and J mentioned that she would know for sure (??) if M would kiss her while she was drunk, i passed on the message anyway and he said he was willing to do anything to have her back. Long story short even with the regular weekend bashes at pubs nothing happened and you could almost not call that a relationship. Moving on that was in December 2002, I was still friends with them and all hung around the same groups of friends. I continued my pursue after hearing J had another boyfriend and continued to stay with him for at least 2 months. M finally asked me out on valentines day. Within the first month J broke up with her bf and emailed M saying she regretted it and have always loved him. M told me and showed me the email and said she was the one that took herself out of the picture. We continued our young relationship at 16/17 for another 6 months, but it was clear that I was the one keeping it going as at 6 months he dumped me and basically said that he still loved J. It was a hard NC for 2 months as back then it was mainly msn and we proceeded to block each other on it and I went on a rebound relationship with a regular guy at school on the 2nd month and broke it off within a month as I found out it was unfair on him as I was still in love with M. I unblocked M on MSN and he said he unblocked me as he saw that I have unblocked him (lol) we proceeded to small talk as friends and he said he regretted breaking up with me. We got back together end of the year again and it was a very happy 3 years as he was a complete different person and we were like soul mates, talk about everything and anything, we could laugh at each other jokes before it was told, know what each other was thinking at a glance, had no secrets, a healthy friend circle, fully loyal to each other and only enjoyed each others company, never argued once (well he used to get angry at himself and throw things but I used to let him cool and he would be alright after few mins, I did shout at him once to get his ass into gear and ring for clearing places at uni, and he did, lol). We got on with each others families like our own and even went on holiday together. We both became better people as at first he was aloof and morbid, low self confidence, by year 4 he was a happy ambitious confident person. And I was at my most confident and happy state then. Anyway on year 4 I was working part time more and more along with uni stuff and life stress, we continued our relationship but by then I was more concerned with career and he was the one holding it all together. I broke up with him out of the blue for no reason in July 2006, through a hand written letter ( i know) saying we need a break as tho our relationship was turning more into a friendship and asked for NC. He was heartbroken but respected my wishes. Couple of weeks later I had constant period and found out I miscarried our 2 month old baby due to a womb infection. I was heartbroken and shocked and at 22 I didnt know what to do as we were each other's first partner and it was still during NC, I was very unstable and decided to detatch myself and what happened by hiding the fact that it ever happened. (feedback appreciated as I dont think I was very rational at all the last few months of the relationship) After 3 months of NC I contacted him again to see how he was, because I missed him and regretted how I broke up, he was still very upset and we both met up and watched a film and a meal together, the old feelings kept coming back and pain was unbearable, he tried to hold my hand and I didnt let him. We stayed as friends and met up another time after about a month later and it was almost as if time was turned back and we still were together, we still were soul mates, still knew what each other was saying even before we spoke, it was all light hearted and neither of us brought up about getting back together, but he did mention have I heard of facebook. So I joined facebook and added him as a friend, we stayed as friends but as time went on I was immature and irrational and would ask if he was interested in any of his female friends and colleagues, he would say no but one incident happened and I asked about one female colleague he seemed closer with and thats when he really backed off. Understandably so. This is where I think social media make things alot more complicated but here goes, he would take more photos with that said colleague just so I would get jealous, and ofc I did. We exchanged some angry emails between each other at work and finally I asked him for one last date where we could hold hands. At this point I still never really asked but it was clear he didnt want to, but agreed to the one last date. Another few months went past and I would randomly ask him directions or find opportunities to see or talk to him (stalkerish I know) his family welcomed the idea and he was willing to. At this point the regretting and chasing back had happened for a year and I finally thought there was no hope of us getting back together. So after another half a yr of almost NC just friends on fb I said to him take care and that I was moving back to where my mum was living in another country. He said "Take care xxx" 2007-2010 I was in another country, trying to move on with my life but since we were still friends on fb, he would contact me when we see each other on (because of different timezones it was rare) and compliment on my photos (I used to do model shots) and we would talk like old friends, and clearly still cared about each other. During the 2 yrs in foreign lands I dated guys, but I was never able to fully love them as much as I did M and they ended within a yr. In my heart and mind I knew noone matched up to him, because I seemed to go for guys with same trait or trait or something that reminded me of him (afterthought) But as an optimist I always tried my best and gave it my all, same as working in foreign lands too. Anyway after 1 and a half years i started saving up and planning to come back as I didn't like life in foreign lands and I had hoped that one day, in the same country we would have a chance again. At one and a half yrs I did a short trip back and through catching up I mentionned that I would be back for a short holiday, he backed off straight away after saying cool. I had to stay at his parents home for a couple of weeks as they welcomed so and my family home was sold when I went abroad, he was mad at his mum for a long time because of that. Back after the holiday another few months of saving up and working, we got into contact again and he asked when I was coming back, I said when I have saved enough by the end of the yr I definitely will, he said ok. Oct 2010 I moved back and started to rebuild my life, as it wasn't a good one abroad hence coming back but you also had to find a new job place to live etc so it was hard but his mum helped me all the way and after texting him saying im back, and got a brief welcome back I got on with it and moved to wherever I worked as it was easier to travel, we have always been friends on fb and he would seem friendly and comment on things and call me by our pet names, I would also try and be friendly but we kept it civil and friendly. Then suddenly, after the friendship got really friendly as if we were able to talk to each other like we used to again, he suddenly blocked me on fb and we never spoke again. This was 2011, so I moved on again and after being single for nearly 3 years I met another guy in 2012 and went out with him for 9 months. Once again upon breaking up I got over them within few days and realised what I saw in him to begin with was once again a shadow of M. (To set the record straight I always put my 100% into the 2 relationships I had - tho not long) This puts me to present day, I have been single and although not liking being alone I have managed to stay single (not choice but never really met the guy, and after self reflection I may never find the guy again) Question is, I have always wanted to contact him and talk to him face to face about what happened, but it has been 5 years since we last saw each other, and 3 yrs since we last spoke, and a recent whatsapp message to him "Hi, how are you? x" resulted in him having seen the message in the morning, to block me in the evening. There may be friend influence contributing to his reactions too and possibly his pride, which i fully understand, but because I can still cry when I think about him, not missing the times we had but more the way i hurt him and I prayed that he would have a good life, I will always love him and his parent and mine all believe he does still do, as he has been single and still wears a necklace and other things I had bought him. To all the men, what can I do? If anything, as it hurts and I dont want to come to regret it again after another 10 yrs. Edited April 10, 2013 by wrongturns
Infnitysign Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 You screwed up so bad when you broke up with him and didnt hold hands with you. Guys are very simple creatures and we and more in touch with skin than words. You broke his heart and he wont let that happen again. You cant just walk into his life like an old friend you have to be a new friend. Dont Do's -dont bring up the past -dont bring up family his or yours -dont ask about his relationships past or present -dont be depressed around him -dont argue -dont stalk him or constantly check his facebook(this will only hurt you) -dont ask questions, its better to comment or leave a statement when messaging -dont be insecure and weak The best thing to do is find new interests or hobbies and experience new things and have a new routine and maybe one day he'll notice and you might even have common interests. this wont help much but its a start 1
Author wrongturns Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 You screwed up so bad when you broke up with him and didnt hold hands with you. Guys are very simple creatures and we and more in touch with skin than words. You broke his heart and he wont let that happen again. You cant just walk into his life like an old friend you have to be a new friend. Dont Do's -dont bring up the past -dont bring up family his or yours -dont ask about his relationships past or present -dont be depressed around him -dont argue -dont stalk him or constantly check his facebook(this will only hurt you) -dont ask questions, its better to comment or leave a statement when messaging -dont be insecure and weak The best thing to do is find new interests or hobbies and experience new things and have a new routine and maybe one day he'll notice and you might even have common interests. this wont help much but its a start This, thank you so much, I knew I had to take a new approach and tbh I am quite chirpy normally and since I havn't seen him for so long I totally understand we would be totally different and have to meet again as new. I have tried so many new things in life and even moved countries and I believe we have both grew alot as seperate people, it would just be nice to even bump into each other and say hi again Anyway the above things thank you for that, but I don't and won't do those things I haven't even added him as a friend on facebook again as I have deleted mine and since made my account again (because it was deleted a long time lol) I just wonder the usual "if only" i could start talking to him again P.S. thank you for reading all that lol
Infnitysign Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 He seems like a very sweet and genuine guy and maybe you've used up his soft side and he doesn't want to be your emotional tampon anymore. Go ahead and add him to your facebook again and attach a short and sweet message to it and dont make the message a question.
LeGenDary_Man Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) I would be blunt: you are one messed-up person. You have serious commitment issues. Maybe you are too much "adventurous" for your own good. Here is a mirror: Life is short! Enjoy it but not at the cost of wreaking others emotionally. You have had so many relationship opportunities and you stuck with none! Wonderful. To be honest, I am surprised that why OP's mother even attempts to help you; she cannot understand the pain of her son? I can totally understand why OP had been angry with his mother. As per your own disclosure, OP sounds like a great guy. Question is, I have always wanted to contact him and talk to him face to face about what happened, but it has been 5 years since we last saw each other, and 3 yrs since we last spoke, and a recent whatsapp message to him "Hi, how are you? x" resulted in him having seen the message in the morning, to block me in the evening. There may be friend influence contributing to his reactions too and possibly his pride, which i fully understand, but because I can still cry when I think about him, not missing the times we had but more the way i hurt him and I prayed that he would have a good life, I will always love him and his parent and mine all believe he does still do, as he has been single and still wears a necklace and other things I had bought him. To all the men, what can I do? If anything, as it hurts and I dont want to come to regret it again after another 10 yrs. CLEAR UP your mind; straighten your priorities. Life is not bed of roses; and most importantly, do not mess-up with other people. This is not healthy for you and/or any other person. People have feelings; people get hurt during split-ups. Option 1: If you think that you can live your life as a single individual then avoid getting in to relationships. What you do is that you seem to search for OP's traits in other people which prevents you from committing to anybody. Please understand that everybody is different; that people are not toys; people have emotions; so stop playing with them. Woman-up and stay single. But I must remind you that as a person grows older, the urge for companionship often gets stronger simultaneously; this is a clock like thing; tick; tick; tick. Though some are destined to die single. OR Option 2: If you do not intend to stay single forever and you desire to have a committed relationship; have kids and a stable family life; then plan a meeting with your ex (since you are dangerously infatuated with him) and let him know what you feel about him and you want to settle-down with him for the FINAL. But before you decide to have this meeting; you should be crystal clear about your motives; this shouldn't be some double-minded kind of thing. After you let him know that you are finally ready to commit; if he is able to forgive you for your past neglect, he may decide to give you a last chance. However, he may not decide to give you chance right away; he may want time to think (be patient). But if he says NO; do not judge him and learn and lesson from all this (you earned it). --- THINK REALLY HARD. And excuse my poor English. Edited April 10, 2013 by LeGenDary_Man
Author wrongturns Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Thank you for your insight. I must admit I have made rash decisions in my life but I did not ever intend to hurt people or look for people just so I didn't want to be single, I was quite happily on my own avoiding advances. Maybe I am stuck in the past and have an unrealistic image of him that probably doesn't even remotely resemble how he is now, I have changed, he would have. I have done alot more for this most recent ex than I have ever done with anyone, and personally without motivation and wanting to commit I don't think I would've stuck around, I havn't had thoughts about kids with M but I did have with this recent ex. Maybe age related or a desire to have a family with him as we both had broken families. Maybe I should even try counselling to help with moving on because realistically, M's NC is probably the best answer he could ever give me.
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