Gut Feeling and Suspcions

[ukman78]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am in a bit of turmoil at the moment and wonder if anyone has any advice.

 

I have been with my wife for 10 years and been married for 18 months. She has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 11 years old and we have a 4 year old girl together.

 

We moved house about 6 months ago, but had to move in with her folks while we were doing up the house. This was a 3 month period that was quite stressfull and we moved in just before Christmas.

 

She is constantly on her iPad and phone, which she recently put password locks. I asked her about this and she said it was to stop the kids messing it up, but I rarely saw the kids on her phone, but could see the point of the iPad.

 

About a month ago my wife went out on a company meal for a co-workers 80th birthday party. Usually I am fine with her going out and love her to look her best, but on this occasion I just had an awful gut feeling that something was wrong.

 

She got back after midnight and stayed downstairs. I went down to see where she had been and admit that I was a bit off nad told her it was a bit funny that she was out so late for an 80th party. She had also had a drink so was a bit funny, which annoyed me as she was driving, but she said she only had two drinks.

 

The next day I could not shake the feeling that something was wrong. I then started to snoop which is something that I have never done while we have been together. I found her twitter account that had some flirty tweets to celebrities that annoyed me a bit as she would be pissed if I was to flirt with Megan Fox. I then found another facebook profile that was in her maiden name and had been created in January. This just kept feeding my gut feeling tath was something was wrong.

 

On the saturday we went out but she went home early as she was pissed with me. Her sister then spke to me privately. She said my wife had told her what I had done and that my wife would never cheat on me. When I got home I noticed that my wife was no longer wearing her wedding ring, which has really upset me.

 

That week I couldnt sleep or concentrate and kept noticing her phone going off, her sending messages etc.. and I was driving me insane. The following saturday things had not got any better so I sent out to clear my head and listed down my suspicions.

 

On the thursday she went out for the evening to see another friedn to drop off a cat box and have a chat. Again she didnt get back til midnight.

 

I went home and asked to speak to her about what I had found and why I was acting strangely. She was very unimpressed with my snooping, which hadnt found anything substantial. I ended up moving out to my parents house that saturday and have been there the last 3 weeks.

 

On the following wednesday our daughter had an easter concert. My wife was not going to this as she supposed to go out with her parents. Instead of going out with her parents or the concert she stayed in and tidied up the whole house. I asked her what she was going to do in the evening and she said just cary out tidying. I left, but got a call to pick something up for her. When I got back she was in the shower, which I thought was strange if she was going to carry on tidying as it was only 17:00.

 

During the time I have been away we have been kept up pretenices and went out with friends and the kids, had a family night out at the club and also dinner at the in laws. At all of these events she barely spoke to me and was constanly on her phone, but then again so were the rest of the friends and family.

 

Last weekend I had the kids over and couldnt help but snoop on my stepdaughters phone. I found a conversation between my wife and her that I was very unhappy with that was on the same day my wife had tidied the whole house, including the bedroom. conversation went like this

Stepdaughter: Who is the man downstairs as I can hear a voice.

Wife: It is a film and to go to bed.

Stepdaughter: Is it your new boyfriend? Also no uniform at school tomorrow.

Wife: Ok night night

Stepdaughter: have fun with the man downstairs night, LOL

Wife: Its the TV what you on about.

Stepdaugher: Who is the man mummy I am not joking

Wife: Its a friend dont worry about it

Stepdaughter: whats his name and no jokes, its seems your lying to me and I dont like it

Wife: Please I will talk to you in the monring. Am just watching a film now go to sleep or I will be cross

Stepdaughter: you better mum and I know there is someone with you.

 

After reading this I felt sick, but knew that this was not concrete and I couldnt confront her with this as it is an 11 year olds text messages.

 

I have tried to remain calm and quel my suspicions and think logically. My wife asked me round yesterday to watch a film and see the kids. I went up to our room where my daughter was watching tv. I couldnt help but have a quick look at the bedsheets and found a few yellow stains and assumed they were from sex. As my wife changed the sheets after I had left these couldnt have been mine.

 

I also noticed that our friends cat box is in our bedroom even though we do not need it. I have also found matching bras and knickers in the washing. The knickers appeared quite damp, but with could have been anything.

 

I spoke with my wife to see how thngs have been. she said she had been doing nothing just staying in. I asked her why not have some one over and she said nobody had been over.

 

I have kept calm and we are talking, but all these things do not add up in my mind. I have now purchased a hidden camera, a voice recorder and a test for semen for our sheets. Although these may or may not give me some answers I feel that this is a negative foundation to build our relationship on. If I find evidence then I can confront her, but if I dont then do my suspicions continue or was I completely wrong?

 

I am confused, upset and unsure of what to do. I whole heartedly love my wife and if someone told me 6 months ago whe would have an affair I would not have believed them, but now I am unsure.

 

Please let me know your thoughts

[GudDude2013]

In a court of law we have a judge and jury, either can be commissioned to find a verdict of guilty or not guilty. This verdict is decided on evidence or a reasonable doubt thereof. However at the preliminary hearing a prosecutor only needs a preponderance of evidence to sent the case to court.

 

I think you have certainly established enough of a preponderance of evidence to establish a case. I would continue gathering indisputable evidence before confronting her. A lot of times when the accused are face with overwhelming evidence they come clean and confess, while others lie to the end.

 

A complete confession leaves no room for doubt and this is y it is the ultimate evidence in a trial. Michael Corleone had to have Carlo's (Brother-in-Law) complete confession in Sonny's murder plot to justify killing his bro n law. Suspicion wasn't enough.

 

Unfortunately with deceitful, and conniving people, honesty not being one of their better qualities, it is very easy for them to lie, and women are some of the best liars. You have those that will give you the honest truth (rare), those who will give you half the truth, those who will lie, and then those still who will take it to the grave. Don't know which one your wife is, but evidence usually always solves the crime, and proves the case ...good luck!

Edited April 10, 2013 by GudDude2013

[BetrayedH]

Yep, you've got plenty of reason to be suspicious and plenty of us have been in your shoes.

 

I have a few suggestions:

 

(1). Continue gathering evidence and play stupid. Go into investigative mode. You must understand that confronting her accomplishes NOTHING. It is ridiculously hard to avoid because you get sick of the lies and "gaslighting." But saying anything to her just helps her to know that she has to take the affair further underground, delete text messages, and so forth. You may have only one chance to get to the truth. Don't screw it up by confronting. On a side note, I used a GPS to catch my wife so that's something else to consider. A PI is another option.

 

(2). Move back home. It's your home. If she's a cheater and you don't care to live with her, ask her to be the one to leave. In fact, I would say that once you've found all of the evidence you need, put her things on the front lawn, change the locks, and call the other man and let him know to come get her stuff because she's moving in.

[yessy21]

GUilty as charged.

 

Im sorry dude.

 

shes totally pulling you in for a ride.

 

usually those gut feelings are always right.

 

take all the evidence you need so you can confront her properly.

[freestyle]

Yep, you've got plenty of reason to be suspicious and plenty of us have been in your shoes.

 

I have a few suggestions:

 

(1). Continue gathering evidence and play stupid. Go into investigative mode. You must understand that confronting her accomplishes NOTHING. It is ridiculously hard to avoid because you get sick of the lies and "gaslighting." But saying anything to her just helps her to know that she has to take the affair further underground, delete text messages, and so forth. You may have only one chance to get to the truth. Don't screw it up by confronting. On a side note, I used a GPS to catch my wife so that's something else to consider. A PI is another option.

 

(2). Move back home. It's your home. If she's a cheater and you don't care to live with her, ask her to be the one to leave. In fact, I would say that once you've found all of the evidence you need, put her things on the front lawn, change the locks, and call the other man and let him know to come get her stuff because she's moving in.

 

 

 

^^^^^^This is spot-on.

 

To catch a fox, you have to think like a fox.

 

Playing dumb now will be to your advantage.

 

There is enough evidence in your story, that I suspect your concerns are legitimate.

 

If she is absolutely cheating, then she's won't blink about lying to you, if/when you confront her. So wait until you have enough hard evidence.

 

 

 

Also--to add to BH's POint #2---you need to return to your home.

You have a legal right to be there.

 

By leaving--you may give your W grounds to charge you with abandonment, if she chooses to not play fair. (depending on where you live, divorce laws vary)

[Bryanp]

Her boyfriend spent the night. How much more do you need? Move back to the house immediately. Get checked for STD's and see a lawyer to understand your options. What your wife is doing to you is very cruel. She has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.

[krazikat]

GUilty as charged.

 

Im sorry dude.

 

shes totally pulling you in for a ride.

 

usually those gut feelings are always right.

 

take all the evidence you need so you can confront her properly.

 

My gut feeling was right...but my wh denied denied denied....until i answered his "secret" cell phone one night when he was sleeping. And he still tried to deny, until I flat out told him no more lies, the gig is up, i talked to your little girlfriend.

 

he had lied to me for years...i never had evidence had never talked to tow, until dday. What happened is he got a secret cell phone and continued to lie. do yourself a favor....do not confront until you have the evidence.

[native7two]

The gut instinct usually never lies. Plus the evidence you are gathering. I, along with many others, got the first scent with a betraying spouse coming home from some work-related function an hour or two too late with things just not smelling right. The pieces will click into place with patience on your part. Really sorry for what you're going through. I agree with BetrayedH's advice -- I wish I had taken those steps when I was in your position. I hope you can connect with friends, family, positive support when you get this ball rolling, it's a tough place to be, we've all been there.

[seren]

First off, move back into your house, stay in the spare room if need be, but get back into your house. I would be dammed if I would stay away while my home was used that way. Secondly, I would ask her, tell her you suspect she has had a man around and that will not stay away and allow this to happen. If you need to use the tests you have, then that is your call.

 

TBH, it does sound like she is hiding something. I would say that if you both have no intention of trying to make your marriage work, have the, what do we do now conversation, including selling the house, kids etc. Doing nothing right now is not an option. What do you want to happen? Do you want to work it out, if there is or has been another man, do you think this is a deal breaker for you?

 

Sometimes knowing the ending is the best way to plan the beginning - if that makes any sense at all.

[BetrayedH]

I would say that if you both have no intention of trying to make your marriage work, have the, what do we do now conversation, including selling the house, kids etc.

 

I normally agree with everything Seren has to say but I think selling the kids is a bit extreme.

 

[Cabinet]

If she was texting with her daughter then how could the daughter "hear" another man downstairs?? That's confusing.

[Darren Steez]

If she was texting with her daughter then how could the daughter "hear" another man downstairs?? That's confusing.

 

must be those new speaker text phones..you type the other person speaks..

[2sunny]

There's plenty of reason to think she's up to no good.

 

Why don't you move back home and demand she move out?

 

She wants to play with another dude? She needs to keep it out of the line of your kids eyes!

[Darren Steez]

So were they talking and the phone was transcribing their conversations?

 

What was the man doing so loudly he could be heard upstairs and be confused with being a movie?

 

Something's not sitting right..

[BetrayedH]

Sounds to me like the wife had a man over, was carrying on with him downstairs, and the daughter heard them and instead of coming down to confront, she sent her Mom a text (which was eventually discovered by the H). Seems fairly straight forward. Am I missing something?

[Try]

Stop trying to prove anything to her, because no matter what you say she will lie and disregard any evidence as not enough; common sense is not allowed by cheaters to be applied. You cannot win a debate if you allow the cheater to be the judge, so stop trying to convince her. You know enough to know that she is cheating. The texting messages on the stepdaughter's phone is more than enough. The stains on the sheets prove it even more. You saw this and as the only honest person in the marriage, you are the only one fit to judge. If you want to finally address this, go forward with confidence and do not give a hint of any doubt.

 

When you are alone with your step daughter, calmly tell her that you know for a fact that there was another man over the night of the texting. Then ask her "do you know his name"? Ask this question and shut up. Do not talk no matter how long it stays silent. After you ask the question, the first one to speak is the loser. Out of human nature, she will eventual want to break the silence and give you some sort of answer. She will hopefully either say his name, or tell you that her mother never told her his name. Either way, she would be confirming that he was there. Then ask "when did he leave"? Remain calm throughout.

 

Regardless of what the daughter says, immediately leave and go where you are alone, and call each of your wife's parents and siblings. Ask each of them how much they know about the wife's affair. If they say that they do not know about it, tell them to talk to your stepdaughter for details, as you do not want to talk about it to them until they have some idea as to what is going on. This will make your wife very angry, but so what. Cheaters always use anger to try to intimidate their spouses. Turn the anger back at your wife and calmly tell her that you know that she would lie to you so you were just gathering information about her affair and wanted to know who already knew. Tell her the days of her playing you the fool are over. Tell her that as the cheater she has no right to be angry at you for wanting to learn the full truth. Tell her that you would not need to talk to others if she would tell you the truth herself. Tell her that you will not tell her what you know or how you know because then she would only admit to what you already know, and you would then have no way of knowing if she is telling you everything. Then look her in the eye and ask her to tell you about her affair. Again, ask and shut up.

 

It is time to man up and get this over with.

Edited April 10, 2013 by Try

[BetrayedH]

Ugh. If he knows enough already, why involve the step-daughter? Leave the kids out of it.

[Try]

Ugh. If he knows enough already, why involve the step-daughter? Leave the kids out of it.

That ship has sailed, the daughter is already involved. Her mother slept in the martial bed with another man with the daughter in the next room sending her texts about who the other man was, for gosh sakes. He has a right to know just how disrespected he is being treated Edited April 11, 2013 by Try

[BetrayedH]

That ship has sailed, the daughter is already involved. Her mother slept in the martial bed with another man with the daughter in the next room sending her texts about who the other man was, for gosh sakes. He has a right to know just how disrespected he is being treated

 

We can agree to disagree but just because the wife put the daughter in the middle of this doesn't mean the OP needs to do the same. It's a second wrong that doesn't make it right. I would not manipulate a child into exposing her mother. He already knows his wife is cheating and if he wants more proof, there are other ways. I actually find it fortunate that while her phone messages end up being the source of information, she doesn't need to be the one to tell anyone. My $.02

[Try]

We can agree to disagree but just because the wife put the daughter in the middle of this doesn't mean the OP needs to do the same. It's a second wrong that doesn't make it right. I would not manipulate a child into exposing her mother. He already knows his wife is cheating and if he wants more proof, there are other ways. I actually find it fortunate that while her phone messages end up being the source of information, she doesn't need to be the one to tell anyone. My $.02

In all of my prior posts I have never ever recommended getting any children involved. What made this one different for me was the stepdaughter asking the mother "Is it your new boyfriend?". This showed that the step daughter was already in on the secret behind the step father's back that the mother had a boyfriend. This level of disrespect being directed at the husband really ticked me off. That being said, I am not willing to fall on my sword over this as I do not take involving children lightly. If he wants to leave the daughter out of this, then he should still do what I suggested concerning calling her parents and siblings.

[BetrayedH]

In all of my prior posts I have never ever recommended getting any children involved. What made this one different for me was the stepdaughter asking the mother "Is it your new boyfriend?". This showed that the step daughter was already in on the secret behind the step father's back that the mother had a boyfriend. This level of disrespect being directed at the husband really ticked me off. That being said, I am not willing to fall on my sword over this as I do not take involving children lightly. If he wants to leave the daughter out of this, then he should still do what I suggested concerning calling her parents and siblings.

 

Well said.

[ukman78]

Hi All,

 

thanks for your comments although they were all pretty negative and only led one way.

 

One Sunday 14th April I confronted my wife about someone being at the house that I had seen my daughters phone and knew a man had been around 3 days after I left.

 

She denied til she was blue in the face and then started to say it was just a friend, that she was upset about our situation and broke down in front of this man. I asked who it was and she said it didnt matter that he was just a listening post for her problems.

 

This all in all took about 2 hours to get out of her and it all still didnt add up. I asked if she had slept with this person and she told me that it was ridiculous and that he was just a friend. However I still didnt have any concrete proof.

 

Two days later I went round to see the kids. My wife and I started arguing and I pushed her, which is something I had never done before and do not condone. She was very annoyed and told me to leave, I was very upset thinking that I had just ruined everything. When I went downstairs I found my wifes phone on the side and unlocked.

 

I went into the messaging app she uses and the man I suspected was the last person she had messaged. I opened the options and forwarded the whole conversation to myself, which was only 8 days worth.

 

To read the 8 days of messages broke my heart. She was telling him that she only wanted to be with him, that we were over and were not going to get back together and it was obvious they were sleeping together.

 

It was bitter sweet to know that I was not going made and that my gut feeling was right, but it still hurt especially with my wife lying to me to my face for 4 weeks.

 

The next day I confronted her with this at her parents house. She kept saying he was just a friend and then started telling me that I had left and we were not together. As far as I was concerned she wanted space which I was giving her.

 

I had a counselling session booked for that day, but she was not going to turn up as she said she didnt need to. After the confrontation she said she would go.

 

That afternoon she called me to ask what I had said to this other guy and wanted to know if I had been in touch with him. A little bit more of me died as she was concerned about him and didnt apologise about what had happened.

 

During the couselling she lied and said he was just a friend and he was comforting her and they had a few drinks then a kiss and cuddle.

 

From her messages I kenw she had arranged to see him that night so asked if she still would. She said no, but I didnt trust her, why should I?

 

I got up early the next day and waited outside my house. I tought it strange that the landing light was on, but was not sure why. Ay 05:30 my wife came walking down the street, so had obviusly been out to see him and stayed over. The kids had stayed at her parents house.

 

She then sent me a message to say 'if you want to work at the marriage the stalking stuff has to end'. This combined with everyone else gave me my answer to what to do so I called a solicitor and will be proceeding with a divorce.

 

She has now turned into a complete bitch and has blamed me. She said that nothing happened before I lef tthe house, that this guy was just a friend and it only started when I was out of the house. She is doing this to save face because who would like ot admit to their friends and family that they started an affair that broke up a family and caused all this heart break.

 

Any how I checked her twitter account and found that she uses the same password for this. I logged in and found that she and him had been flirting from the 3rd March. He tells her that he fancies her and she tells him the same, but says she is married.

 

She doesnt know I know this, so will wait for her to tell all her friends and family what a **** I was and to paint this image of it only starting after I left, then I will let out this information and show what a calculated self centred liar she really is.

 

It is not nice and I am still very confused as to what happened. I truly loved mygirlfriend, then my fiance and then my wife. However, this person is not that person and has made choices that had turned my life and that of my kids upside down.

 

I have up days and down days. I have had a lot of support from firends and family that has really helped. My brother in law called yesterday to ask what was going on as they had a family party and he said there was a cloud around everyone that could not be discussed. He said his wife (my wifes sister) had told him that I was being off with her and that I was pushing her away.

 

He said that he thought that this didnt add up and there was lots of whispers floating around. I thought **** it tell the truth and let him know. He was gobsmacked and said that he couldnt believe it that she was having an affair yet everyone was acting the way they were just ignoring it.

 

I will not lie and say I am happy with the outcome as I am not. Instead of seeing my kids every night, putting them to bed and brushing their teeth I see them twice a week. Our house may have to be sold as I cannot afford to pay for it while not living there and she definitely cannot afford it. This will devestate our kids as we had only moved in in December.

 

However I need to keep reminding myself that this was not my choice. She could have easily replied to his initial twitter messages that he fancied her by saying. 'Thank you I am flattered, but I am married'. Instead she said she fancied him too and the rest is history

 

Right now I am having to deal with all these choices and it is difficult. Some people have said that it may not be over and we could maybe make up, which is a possibility, but I cannot see how.

 

If you would like to find out what happens further down the line I will post back .

 

Thanks again for all you support.

[yessy21]

UKman78-

 

Dont get back with her.

 

she has disrespected you, her family and the children.

 

After you gave her a house a loving family.

 

thats purely ungreatful.

 

she sounds like she has selfcentered personality.

 

its all about her and her pain and what she feels and her ...her.. her.

 

am i right?

 

thats not the type of behavior or people that you want your children to grow up with.

they tend to imitate their parents you know.

 

this situation has not been fair to you. Keep your head up even if the road is hard dont ever give up.

 

Please save all of these messages that you have... so you wont have to pay alimony to someone so ungreatful. all the evidence should be great in court as to why you have filed for divorce.

 

i wish you and your children the best of luck on this new road and hopefully it will lead you to a very happy place in your future.

[2sunny]

She hasn't had many consequences for her cheating.

 

She's still in the house. Probably still has access to credit cards and all the bank accounts. I'd change all that today!

 

I'd also tell the other man's wife what your W and her H have be up to.

 

Start taking your power back instead of handing it all to her cheating, lying a$$. Take control of your life and begin by making her life uncomfortable!

 

She wants to cheat? Ok! But not while you pay her way!

[ukman78]

Hi Guys,

 

thought I would provide a progress report as I havent done so for a while, thought it might help someone else who may find themselves in my shoes.

 

I went to marriage counselling and my wife was inveited, but only attend 3 out of 5 appointments. For the last two she said she didnt need to go as she didnt have a problem.

 

I would recommend couselling to anyone. It feels that your nagging a bit, but tis good to get some pointers and positive feedback. I felt as though I had not tried hard enough, that I should have been better, that I had failed. The counseller was disappointed my wife didnt attend the last two sessions. They had a one to one and she felt my wife was holding back and that the story she was portraying was different from mine and didnt add up. Even though the counselling as completely confidentital she still couldnt tell the truth.

 

The counseller pointed out that I had given her everything, I was the adult in the relationship and that as time moves on I will be the one who will cope the best as I have some sense of realism. My wife does not seem to grasp what will happen, although I think that she is now considering it.

 

 

I have started the divorce proceedings and have had the esate agent around to sell the house. She is constantly asking why the rush, but fails to understnad that I need to move on with my life. I think she now sees that she will need to work more, earn more, and live in the real world.

 

She has left literally everything up to me and its quite shocking at even now how lazy and reliant on others she is. She got angry with me saying she thought I was not telling her the truth about her options over our split and she would seek legal advice. I agreed with her and told her to go see someone and recommended that she does.

 

I believe that others judge yo uby their standards. As she has been decietful and lying she is expecting me to be the same. Whereas I keep expecting her to start telling the truth.

 

She started mentioning her standard of living and that it would be affected by our split as she would not be able to afford the bills. I am not sure how thats gonna wash as our standard of living was pretty **** due to her debts and am not sure how paying bills would be my issue.

 

We were talking on saturday, not shouting but actually talking, and I asked her when she started all this did she think I do not want to be with my husband anymore, I want a divorce. She said she didnt think about it. She said that she is now lonely and isolated as she cant talk to her family because I told them of the affair and I had no right to tell them. I simply told her that if nothing happened then I'd have nothign to tell, and if I didnt tell them who would have?

 

She broke down a bit cried and said she is staying in alone, although she is on dating websites. She said shes doing that for some communication with the outside world, but I have to remeber all the lies she has given so far and take that answer with a pinch of salt.

 

I told her that I felt she was hoping to erase me from her life and move on with the other guy. I said that hes probably fed her a line a stuff in his life, stuff in hers and best they just be friends. She denied this and said that she called an end to it. I didnt say anything but as he was a 'friend' what did she call an end to? My sister checked her twitter account and said all her tweets indicate she has been given the elbow by him.

 

The other guy was not attached, just a scumbag. He treated my family life as a joke, and my wife as a plaything that he has tossed aside. Karma will catch up with him.

 

I feel my wife is now realising that real life is hard. I made it easy for her so she had nothing to worry about. On a few occasions now she has said that over they years I made mistakes and she forgave me, so I feel that she is expecting me to suck it in and get over it. Not gonna happen.

 

I will admit that I have not been the perfect boyfriend stroke husband. My crimes that she brings up are as follows. We had been dating a few months and she went though my phone and ofund a text message sent to a girl friend saying 'its my birthday can I see your boobs'. that was over 9 years ago and I hae apologised loads for it and not done it again. Also she has caught porn on my laptop and phone around 4 times in 10 years. Do these compare to a 3 month affair?

 

In uk divorce works in 3 phases. Issue a divorce petition to the courts. The courts then issue a decree nisi. After a few more weeks apply for a decree absolute. All in all should be completed by October.

 

I feel really bad as its me that is doing all the divorce stuff, but I have no choice. She is now talking and being nice to me, but several months she didnt give a ****.

 

Hope that this helps someone out there. Again thanks for you support and I pray that you dont find yourself in my shoes, but if you do there are people out there that have had it worse and come through so stayt strong and dont be afraid to ask for support!