Need a bit of support - Cannot escape a break up / contact with the ex.

[KittyKat83]

Ok ... so I will post again, as it seems of some much interest to many here about my intentions of telling my H. As mentioned, my ex AP was (and still is) a colleague, who I still have to endure working with. One point some people have made (that I don't think I have directly responded to), is to look for another job - which is what I have also been doing the last few months.

I personally feel (although I agree with the 'living a lie' comments) that it would be of no benefit to my H to come clean whilst I am still in the workplace.

Otherwise how on earth will he cope knowing I am in that same situation most of the week - having to trust me around the AP?

Once I have removed myself from the situation completely (in a new job) I feel that would be the most constructive time to address this.

[Act Two]

I would also recommend going over to the Surviving Infidelity forum, which has forums just for WS. I know there is at least one thread devoted to how to recover from pining for your AP and some helpful strategies there, some of which were useful for me.

[BetrayedH]

I would also recommend going over to the Surviving Infidelity forum, which has forums just for WS. I know there is at least one thread devoted to how to recover from pining for your AP and some helpful strategies there, some of which were useful for me.

 

This is a great suggestion and one that I usually give as well. The nice thing there is that you can post with a "stop sign" which means that only other waywards can reply. It keeps you away from some of the vitriol in the early stages of posting. But most eventually will post without the stop sign so that they can get honest feedback from everyone, including betrayed spouses like myself. But honestly, this is the place that gives you the straight dope. I can tell you that waywards aren't the only ones to get tough love here. I was called a doormat and cuckold more times than I could count when I decided to reconcile with my wayward wife. I toughed it out and learned to intellectually defend my positions or acknowledge when they were lacking. As I mentioned before, the trick is to take what works for you and leave the rest. If you ultimately don't want to hear from a particular poster, LS also has a handy "ignore" feature so you don't even see their posts.

 

In the end, I think you'll be surprised at how enlightening most of the dialogue can be and how many supportive posters you'll find from each corner of the triangle.

 

I do have one question for you. But first I wanted to give you some props for your apparent decision to ultimately come clean with your husband. That step takes remarkable courage and I'll applaud you if you follow through. As a side benefit, voluntary disclosure statistically doubles your chances of reconciling as opposed to your affair being discovered. And while you may be confident right now that you've managed to evade detection, about half of affairs are eventually discovered. It may be years down the road but for your H, it will feel like it iust happened and the lie will just have been one that went on for years longer.

 

And (personally) I think you may be wise in your decision to delay disclosure until you've left the job. My wife's affair was with her boss and it took 90 days before he transferred. I can tell you that I lost my fool mind at about 45 days, at least what was left of it. Regardless, I have the utmost respect for the position that others have expressed about telling your H sooner rather than later. He most certainly deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to proceed with his life, even if you want to set the stage for reconciliation.

 

But I mentioned that I had a question. It is about your motivation for reconciling. You obviously had one foot out the door by engaging in an affair. So why would you now want to reconcile? Many waywards initially stay out of fear (your reputation, career, family life, finances, etc. could be ruined), or a sense of guilt/obligation. But these are horrible reasons to stay in a marriage. Good reasons to stay would be true remorse (which is more than guilt, shame, or regret over being caught) and your love for your husband. If your H decides to try to reconcile (which most - about 80% of men - initially do), he is going to need reassurances from you for a LONG time. So your love for him need to be authentic. It takes a good 2-5 years to recover and you need to be determined to do whatever it takes to fix this for the foreseeable future. It ain't fun (although some parts of rebuilding are amazingly rewarding) and so your heart has to be in it.

 

Anyway, enough rambling from me. You got my $.02

[leonine]

KittyKat, there was a point in my life where I could have pretty much written your original post. I'm a fWW and am reconciling with my BH. I know that where you're at is not a fun place to be.

 

I was a total disaster during the death throes of my affair as well as the two months after it ended until I decided to tell my husband about it. I felt terribly guilty about what I was doing/had done and then I missed my xMOM which then added on another layer of guilt on top. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating well, I lost enough weight that when I ran into a friend who I hadn't seen in a while, she expressed concern for me. I know that it can be hard for a BS to hear, but if it was a love relationship, there is often going to be a grieving period for the WS. It's a breakup and breakups suck. It's not fair to the BS, but nothing about affairs are.

 

You know what cleared my head about the xMOM though? Telling my husband. It got me focused on what was actually important going forward. His pain so outweighed what I had been going through before. It's not like that's why I told him - I told him because it was the right thing to do, he's an adult and should be able to make informed decisions about his life. It had the side effect though of helping me get my act together.

 

I get what you're saying about waiting to get a new job, but give yourself a deadline, otherwise it could just go on forever. There's never going to be a perfect time to tell him, so at some point you just need to get it out there, no matter what else is going on. You've put yourself at the start of an obstacle course. At the end you have a chance at happiness, a good, authentic life, etc. It may be with your husband or it may not, but you can get out of it all okay and better than you are today. The obstacle you need to get over first though is telling the truth. The longer you wait to address each issue, the longer it'll take you to get to the end of course.