Need a bit of support - Cannot escape a break up / contact with the ex.

[Jonah]

So nice to see there is a lack of judgement and good advice kindly being supplied by people here. Firstly, thanks to the person who redirect my post to the "correct" thread that was ensure a barrage of attacks - none of which serving any helpful purpose. I only hope that it has in someway served as therapy to those who are obviously redirecting their own pain toward a faceless stranger who was merely looking for help.

 

There are many issues that I have not touched on - purely because it didn't relate to the current issue I'm facing: such as the guilt and anguish, the decision whether to hurt my husband and tell him even though it is already over, or to continue being dishonest and hide it from him. Nor did I see fit to discuss the past controlling behaviour I have experienced from earlier on in my marriage, from hacking my accounts, physically restraining me from leaving the house in knee-length skirts or anything that would "draw attention" to myself, or even his online affairs I have been the 'victim' of myself. I never mentioned this because it has little to no relevance to the issue at hand.

I shall request my account is deactivated - I don't need to be trolled to realize that I have done something very wrong and that I need to atone for those things....just a shame nobody is willing or able to actually help.

I do however wonder why forums like this even exist, when people posting here are obviously leading perfect, faultless and sin-free existences. It must be a very entertaining view on us pond scum from your ivory towers.

 

It's not even that I disagree with the comments and insults: it just amazes me the opportunity and other people's anguish others will stoop to jump on, to stroke their own ego and make themselves feel much better about their own situation.

 

Genuine thanks to you however, LadyGrey - I think you actually 'got' why I was posting, but I disagree that I will find anything of use or help here, other than washer-women gossips and sanctimonious stone-throwers.

 

Your words here show that you are thinking clearly. That you can divide the garbage from the gold, not letting the petty get under your skin shows maturity and common sense. You will work your way out of this. I found it touching that you have a new found appreciation for your husband. Cleave unto that, and him. Be kind unto thy self, cut yourself some slack and learn that the root of all suffering lies in desire. Instead of NC, take a closer look, look all the way down the end of the barrel and understand what the end result would look like. Is that really what you want?

[Guitarjeff]

Sorry, but you CLEARLY told her that it's fine to continue her deception and cruelty to this human being for some undetermined amount of time. YOU COULD NEVER EVER EVER convince me that it is proper to lie and deceive someone FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME FOR ANY REASON, PERIOD!!!

 

The first thing that should have been said to her was to begin at all, SHE MUST STOP THE DECEPTION to her VICTIM that she is practicing THIS VERY DAY!!!!

 

it is NOT YOUR PLACE to advise someone to continue to practice their deception of another person, FOR ANY REASON!!! He may not want to reconcile and he DESERVES the right to not spend a SINGLE DAY being lied to. I am STUNNED that you could try to spin some silly logic in to making yourself give someone advice to CONTINUE TO LIE if you want to until you feel ready to STOP LYING. How on EARTH you could think that this is EVER acceptable for ANY AMOUNT OF TIME is unreal.

 

This women has been practicing her deception for a DAM YEAR and wasting this man's life, and your advice to her is, "Hey, if you want to keep on deceiving for a while, no problem" That is the biggest crock of crap I have ever heard. I don't care what you said in any other post. You FLAT OUT TOLD her it is alright if she feels she wants to continue the cruelty to this man, just unbelievable. You rationalize it any way you want. I think it's very revealing that you decided to stay with your cheater, great for you Please read thepost I just made to Silverman on the thread "Just caught my wife cheating with her best friends husband" for why I think it's revealing.

 

If the husband could speak to you, he would say "HOW DARE YOU tell my wife that it's alright if she wants to continue deceiving me and making me live a lie FOR ANY AMOUNT OF TIME!!! It's not your place to suggest someone continue hurting someone else, for ANY reason you can dream up.

 

So you wish someone would have told your cheater to keep deceiving you while she found herself, ABSOLUTELY LAUGHABLE. I am not painting you any way at all. I am calling you on YOUR VERY WORDS, so don't tell me how you love exposure and then tell someone else that it's alright to just let the guy live in a false world for some undetermined amount of time.

 

 

No offense Jeff but you don't know me from Adam. If my wife had managed to stop her affair and was being counseled on how to find the courage to confess, that would have been a lightyear's improvement from my reality, one where I chose to reconcile without such a benefit.

 

I do find it somewhat comical that you're somehow trying to paint me in some way as against exposure. My beliefs on exposure are well documented all over this forum. I routinely implore WSs, OPs, BSs, and anyone that knows of affairs to expose to the BS. Not long ago I started a lengthy thread looking to debate any reasons not to tell and came to the conclusion that there really aren't any except perhaps when there's a demonstrable risk of physical harm to someone (and even then I would look for a safe workaround to permit exposure).

 

I would say that my own experience probably colors my view when it comes to advising a wayward to think before they disclose. My wife didn't choose to disclose and reinvest in her marriage. She was busted. The result was a sort of panic on her part - she decided to stay out of fear, guilt, and obligation. She half-assed the R, TT'd, broke NC, etc because there was no introspection before exposure. It was a waste of 8 tortured months. So, would I have preferred for my wife to end her affair and then take six months thinking, reading the books I recommended and talking to people here before a voluntary disclosure? Hell yeah. I might still be married.

[BetrayedH]

Whatevs. I've got plenty of support for my approach with waywards here. I don't need yours.

 

The defense of the BS which you so passionately display is for naught because the wayward is gone. How'd that work out for the BS? He'll certainly have his truth delayed by more than a day now.

 

Regardless, there are people to help out there and I'd prefer to spend my time there than having a pointless argument with you. I suggest you go take a valium.

[Guitarjeff]

Ridiculous. As i thought, not a SINGLE RATIONAL argument of how it is proper to advise someone to continue deceiving someone else, not one. That speaks volumes about what you know.

 

There is no support for this, NONE. It isn't about opinion. There IS NO PROPER OPINION that tells someone else that it's alright to deceive someone else, you and I BOTH KNOW IT, that's why you can't offer a rational argument for it, because THERE IS NONE!!! If so, I am still waiting for it.

 

The Wayward was told that it is fine for her to continue her deception, that's why she's gone, to practice what you preached. You know damn well she wasn't interested in doing the right thing, and all you did was validate for her that it's no problem to continue the lying. Great job.

 

Guess you'll be without worry tonight as this other man lives a lie with your advice and blessing, you should be proud of yourself. Unbelievable.

 

 

Whatevs. I've got plenty of support for my approach with waywards here. I don't need yours.

 

The defense of the BS which you so passionately display is for naught because the wayward is gone. How'd that work out for the BS? He'll certainly have his truth delayed by more than a day now.

 

Regardless, there are people to help out there and I'd prefer to spend my time there than having a pointless argument with you. I suggest you go take a valium.

[JourneyLady]

Just for the record, I am a xBS and I would sooner see OWs and XOWs as well as OM's and XOM's talked WITH, not TO in order to discover how to strengthen their boundaries so as to no longer betray their marriages and not get entangled with other people.

 

The statistics on affairs are horrifying. If, as a society, we are going to change this, we need more understanding on how this happens and why. In most case, it is BAD BOUNDARIES. With the number of people participating in affairs, I don't think we can simply chalk it up to a criminal mindset or some simplistic idea such as that. I don't think people intend to do wrong. I think, as marriage builders says "We are all wired for affairs." and that our boundaries need to be very clear, strengthened and held in order to not cheat.

 

Have our forebears taught us how to do that? Does society encourage that? NO, it does not. Nor does it help enforce those boundaries in recent years, with no fault divorce.

 

I believe in change. I believe people can change. But I also know they need assistance and encouragement. Some would rather chase people needing help away with harsh words than be kind but firm. Those people simply have a *compassion* problem and see people as objects. I choose to block those with that mindset myself.

 

I think this person should not have been chased off, but gently and carefully been shown the reality of what she has done and opportunity to change been brought forth. Without that change, there's a good possibility that another family will be broken up and another WS be on the loose instead of being taught to have stronger boundaries.

 

Nice work there GJ and AL. You managed to do the opposite of helping someone not be wayward anymore. You separated them from the possibility of change quite nicely.

 

Men are often (not always, but too often) so much harsher than is necessary or even desirable.

[Guitarjeff]

Sorry, but most of this is nonsense, and that's why you don't want to discuss it. If you have a reasonable point you would have quoted us and then explained where we went wrong. Instead all you have done is DECLARE we are wrong and offer no reasonable debate to back it up.

 

You again say something that is false. As I clearly pointed out AL DID NOT say that the op as an individual person has no hope. He said there is no hope "HERE" in this infidelity forum because she is not interested in stopping the deception and cruelty she is practicing on another human being.

 

I know something was wrong on your end when your cruelty meter jumped bad on AL, but strangely, your cruelty meter short circuited when ti came to the cruelty she is practicing against her VICTIM. Almost as if you are the one with some kind of bitterness and hatred (Maybe for all men?) The fact that you would leap forward with explosive anger at AL while not offering a peep on the cruelty the OP is practicing THIS VERY DAY on another human being speaks volumes, VOLUMES!!!

 

 

Al and Jeff, both of you have this conversation going on between each other in where you have vilified BH and myself quite unfairly, completely twisting what was said and our intentions. I have been quite clear, so has BH, but you both have your own little interpretation of it and anything I say or BH could say, would just be twisted some more, so I'm not going there. And I give apologies often when they are due around here, but this isn't one I owe. I will close with this, cruelty and nastiness will never open someone's heart to a better path, telling someone they have no hope are those two things. It's like parenting, you love the child, but you don't have to love the behaviour, so ideally you are firm but kind in hopes that they put themselves back on the right track. Good parents don't tell the child that they are bad, they tell the child the behaviour was bad. Get the difference?

[Guitarjeff]

Sorry, but more nonsense. There is NEVER EVER EVER a rational, acceptable reason to tell someone it is fine if they want to continue their deception of another human being. The fact that you could actually think that she was here for help to STOP HURTING HER VICTIM instead of looking for broken heart advice while clearly showing her husband to be collateral damage that she can handle later is just mind blowing.

 

No nice way to say it, it is just ridiculous to say that we ran her off instead of admitting that she ran of because she was PRESENTED WITH THE TRUTH ABOUT THE DASTARDLY deed she is practicing RIGHT NOW THIS VERY DAY to another human being. You can't be serious with this nonsense, can you?

 

So let's get this straight. So she was here because she was CONCERNED FOR HER VICTIM, and she wanted to stop hurting her victim, and she wasn't here simply to ease her broken heart over her bang buddy while not caring a hoot about her victim, is this correct? Shall we take apart every single senetence she wrote and you can show us how she was here for help in stopping the cruelty she is practicing against her victim, and NOT FOR HER OWN BROKEN HEART over her screw pal? Do you really want to do this?

 

Unreal, just wow.

 

Just for the record, I am a xBS and I would sooner see OWs and XOWs as well as OM's and XOM's talked WITH, not TO in order to discover how to strengthen their boundaries so as to no longer betray their marriages and not get entangled with other people.

 

The statistics on affairs are horrifying. If, as a society, we are going to change this, we need more understanding on how this happens and why. In most case, it is BAD BOUNDARIES. With the number of people participating in affairs, I don't think we can simply chalk it up to a criminal mindset or some simplistic idea such as that. I don't think people intend to do wrong. I think, as marriage builders says "We are all wired for affairs." and that our boundaries need to be very clear, strengthened and held in order to not cheat.

 

Have our forebears taught us how to do that? Does society encourage that? NO, it does not. Nor does it help enforce those boundaries in recent years, with no fault divorce.

 

I believe in change. I believe people can change. But I also know they need assistance and encouragement. Some would rather chase people needing help away with harsh words than be kind but firm. Those people simply have a *compassion* problem and see people as objects. I choose to block those with that mindset myself.

 

I think this person should not have been chased off, but gently and carefully been shown the reality of what she has done and opportunity to change been brought forth. Without that change, there's a good possibility that another family will be broken up and another WS be on the loose instead of being taught to have stronger boundaries.

 

Nice work there GJ and AL. You managed to do the opposite of helping someone not be wayward anymore. You separated them from the possibility of change quite nicely.

 

Men are often (not always, but too often) so much harsher than is necessary or even desirable.

[Guitarjeff]

"You managed to do the opposite of helping someone not be wayward anymore."

 

I just love this one. So let me learn from this great wisdom again. So when we tell her it is wrong to continue to deceive her victim and that she should put a stop to it IMMEDIATELY, well, that would be us helping her to continue to be a wayward, and when BH tells her it's fine to continue to cast her deception to her victim, that's him helping her to stop being a wayward? WOW, JUST WOW. I am blown away, thank you for teaching us this wonderful wisdom.

[Guitarjeff]

More ridiculous nonsense without HINT of a single, rational argument, no quotes and then explanations of where we are wrong, NOTTA, NOTHING of ant substance.

 

AL just posted HER WORDS, and they are filled with selfish statements with almost ZERO concern for her victim. And weren't you a WS? HMMM, no connection, I guess, eh?

 

 

You two have more twisted logic that most ws's or ow's display. I can't hardly believe what I'm reading, it's becoming quite comical, the attempts to discredit BH and twist what he said and worse, going on and on about something he never said. And JourneyLady's post, was reasonable and heartfelt and kind with many excellent points, sad that you couldn't extend the same courtesty to her.

 

Enjoy the good ole boys and pats on the back, you two are exchanging. Carry on.

[Guitarjeff]

Remorseful? really? Now why does that statement just not feel truthful? oh, maybe because you obviously want to coddle those who are hurting others as if they are poor, misunderstood souls (maybe like you?)

 

Come off of it, you know darn well the FIRST advice that should have been given to her was that she needed to STOP the lies she is making her husband live under. Even a simple child-like mind can see that the first thing you do if you want to do the right thing is, uh, STOP CONTINUING THE PAIN you are causing your victim.

 

This is so obvious it's just unbelievable that a grown, adult human being can't figure this simple concept out.

 

 

I'm not going to debate with you, you can't be rational with someone who isn't rational. You two are on your own little mission here and besides I've made myself very clear in my earlier posts, I would just be reiterating what I've already said.

 

Yes I'm remorseful Fow. If that is a problem for you, so be it. If you have something to say about that start a new thread.

[Guitarjeff]

LG, I have no doubt that you are a loving person and a good person. Actually, I have not been a betrayed spouse. I went through a normal divorce (if you can call any divorce normal) and started reading divorce forums and found my way to a few infidelity forums like that.

 

After that I began trying to help others when I had the time to do so, but these days I don't have as much time to help as much as I can.

 

Enough of this back and forth, I hold no anger towards you, in fact, I would guess you are a lovely person Sometimes we have to stop and just say we disagree and we can still respect each other and care for each other. I didn't mean to say anything to hurt your feelings sweetheart and I'm sorry if I have.

 

It just dawned on me how short life is, how fast the years go by. Maybe I am feeling extra protective of the husband because I recently have been pondering life and how fleeting, how delicate it all is. When she said she had been letting her husband live like this for over a year, I guess it just hit me because of how precious the years are, and I just believe that he should be told immediately and then we all could have supported her in HOW to tell him, how to give him the security he will need and such. I was just hoping that maybe we could just help this guy as quickly as possible so that he would have the freedom to get on with his life. Maybe he will choose to stay with her, but that's just the point, he can't choose that until he gets the truth.

 

The years of my life are going by so fast. I have two kids and my little girl will be 18 in July and she is leaving for school, and I am dreading it badly, So I have been doing a lot of deep, soul-searching. That just made me think of the song "Someone Like You" by Van Morrison. have a listen to it if you will. I do the song in my show and it has a line about soul-searching that always makes me want to cry.

 

Anyway, because we didn't agree on what advice to give first, I still think you are a beautiful person. Maybe next time we can put our heads together and decide a balanced approach where we both can get out thoughts to the poster without getting in each others way. Fair enough?

 

Jeff, I remember reading your posts when you first came here and I felt so much empathy for you. I understand how infidelity affects people, I have a long history with it starting with my father, a serial cheater. If you are bored you can read my back posts if you are curious as to what my stand is on it. I will not ever be a party to it in any form or fashion, again. I have empathy for other women especially, living the life of a ow or a ws is not a good healthy choice, I seek to shed light on that. This is who I am now. I am not the sum of who I was, what I am now is what matters. I don't want or expect empathy but don't assume that I am something I'm not.

[Act Two]

The fact is that many WS stumble onto this site looking for support, in various states of remorse or non-remorse, and sometimes the first posts are cringeworthy for betrayed spouses, like mine was. In an ideal world, they would post in a perfect state of remorse, looking for ways to repair all of the damage, full of empathy and with a PhD in infidelity, knowing that full disclosure is the only way to reconciliation as much as that runs against the natural desire to self-protect.

 

In an ideal world, there wouldn't be affairs.

 

The fact is, WS have pain too, even while it is self-inflicted. The OP was still grieving her AP, and as ugly and non-PC that is for this forum, it is still a reality and she needs to work through it. She also needs to be guided towards what she needs to do in order to do the right thing by her husband, but she's only at step one.

 

You can't always expect a WS to be at step 10 when they first start posting. Opening their eyes to all of the ways that they've caused damage and helping them back onto the path of integrity is one thing, but saying "there is no hope here" is hugely arrogant, especially from someone with no actual life experience with the subject at hand. That makes my blood boil.

 

When I posted here, all foggy and self-absorbed, with little to no empathy for my husband, it was posters like Betrayed H who said things that stuck in my head for months and months even after I left, here, run off by being attacked to the core by other posters. The helpful words DID help to get further along from ground zero of infidelity.

[Jonah]

Wassa matta kittykat? As soon as I saw your post I knew the barrage of hate would soon show up. I hoped that you would just filter that out and hang out for the useful advice.

I suppose you chose not to decide. That is still a decision don't ya know! Still that's who you are right now so cut yourself some slack. Be ok with who you are. You are doing the best you can and that is ok for today. Might as well enjoy yourself... what the heck. No use fretting over "the right thing to do" if you are stuck anyway. Everything with resolve itself in time but please know that if you help guide the process the outcome would be closer to your desires.

[JourneyLady]

I know some people would like to return to the days of stoning harlots, but an online stoning is still an act of horror. People need to have some compassion for another's mistakes: UNLESS they think themselves perfect.

 

Otherwise you are treating someone as less than human.

 

Usually those who have pain inflicted on them go on to inflict MORE pain on someone else, not less. The pay-it-forward concept made backwards.

Edited April 20, 2013 by JourneyLady
add in

[Jonah]

What about stoning people who don't think alike you? How you guys are not stoning me for what you think is wrong?? Not that I care but I find it so hypocritical...

 

For your information cheating is NOT a mistake! It is a voluntary act of treason against the very person they are supposed to love and protect... and not.. I don't have any compassion for someone who chose to destroy their spouse life to fulfill some selfish needs... non at all... and less if she does not show any remorse for it!

 

Your lack of understanding may stem from the fact that you have yet to suffer an emotional event of enough magnitude to force you into some deep soul searching. Thus your thought patterns remain shallowly superficial at best, your ego in full control of your words and your life. Why are you here?

[Jonah]

 

who are you to tell me if I can or l can't be here?

 

See above posts. No one said that you could or couldn't be here. This is but one example of the delusions that you are suffering. You may not be able to find help for that here but webmd.com has some great forums that could help you.

[Jonah]

What was your purpose when questioning why I was here? If the purpose was not the one I understood I do apologize for that...all my other answers remind valid...

 

Passive- agressive jab taken!

 

Yes AL, I asked you why you were here for two reasons: The first to prompt you into some self reflection, the second is that I am genuinely curious. You hint that you had suffered some unrelated trauma... one would wonder why you wouldn't be more interested in pursuing solutions related to that topic. The coarseness of your posts indicates a deep fear of infidelity... It would be interesting to know why you would have so much fear of something that hasn't touched you. (yet)

[Jonah]

I am working in IC to try to overcome my trauma which I suspect I will never overcome totally...

 

We are all working on our traumas, we all suffer them. I found that the infidelity... something that someone else has done to me, less traumatic than the self inflicted trauma I have caused upon myself - much of that due to my own pride... my learning of compassion is through my own losses. Thus my posts promote tolerance and understanding, advising against intolerance and narrow-mindedness.

 

Fear of infidelity could increase your risks of experiencing it. Understanding that people do have cravings should lead to better communication to diminish that risk.

[Jonah]

 

My advise is you keep your way and I will keep mine.

 

Your strict views are as you see them today. Your ability to "keep them" is laughable. As you live your life, you will surly learn to bend... it's either that or be broken yet again. Even now I question your motives because you seem relatively intelligent so you should realize that life is rarely so black and white. So do you really believe all that you have been saying or is your ego forcing you to stick with it just to save face?

[Jonah]

thing is that everybody is different...

In life not everything is black and white...

 

That's what we've been trying to tell you AL! Good to know that you are beginning to see the light.

 

in the face of my wife (when ever I have one..).

 

That may be a while... if ever. sheesh!

[Jonah]

I have made several good points and questions to you in various of my posts that you have decided to ignore or not answer just to

 

I missed your response posts AL. LS is a big board and yours are the last posts one would pay any attention to. Still, had I noticed them I assure you that I would have responded. You're a good lad. Girlfriend eh? You got a ways to go son. Keep hanging out at loveshack... You can learn good things here.

Edited April 23, 2013 by Jonah

[KittyKat83]

Wow.

I logged on to see whether my account had been deactivated, and obviously saw the massive backlash and continued responses.

I just thought I would clarify a couple of things for some people who have obviously misunderstood from the get-go:

 

Firstly - I DID NOT post this in the infidelity forum. I posted this in the Coping forum, as that was exactly the help and advise I needed. That is why the phrasing and tone of my OP was not to a lot of your specific liking and inclination. Obviously some like-minded 'kindhearted' individual took it upon themselves to relocate this discussion here, where I would be guaranteed to be fed to the dogs. Seems like someone has done a good job of trolling us all here...

That is also the reason why I have posted very little about my husband, my feelings of remorse and guilt and so on. I don't have to justify those feelings that I have to any of you, and there is no advice any of you could give to those very personal and intimate emotions that will solve that issue. Those feelings of remorse and guilt let me know that I'm alive, and that maybe I am not a complete evil piece of work after all. Again, to clarify, that is why I have kept that part of my story separate to the issue I wanted help with.

 

With questions about whether my marriage was in fact happy or not, the previous issues with my husband I listed were to illustrate the point that I am not some manipulative opportunist taking advantage of a sappy, doormat of a husband, but in fact I myself have been on the other side of not-so-nice behavior. That part of our marriage has improved a good deal over the past 2 years (A good 6 months/year before I engaged in the A) - so it is neither an excuse or reason for my wrongdoing, and I have not used it as such.

 

I also feel it is important message to give as a WS, that very little repair and recovery can be done in my own marriage until I learn how to stop loving my ex AP. I want to be able to devote and focus 100% on my H and the recovery of my marriage, but being stuck in a rut where I am still pining after my ex AP, is preventing this a great deal. Hence in terms of my short term priorities - the original issue I posted is key to resolving this and moving on.

 

To give mention to previous comments about being chased or scared off, I would like to add that that was not entirely the case: merely that I felt I would no longer waste my time reading imbecilic comments from those wishing to score internet points and possibly make themselves feel better about their lot in the process. That being said, I bear no malice or hard feelings toward those that have done so - I believe there is a very good chance those people are working through there own issues and problems, and this particular post has acted as some kind of deferral for them. Each recovery to their own, although I personally think at the expense of others is cruel and foolish.

 

Lastly (and most importantly) thanks to those couple of posters that have posted genuinely and with considered thought. Out of the majority of pointless comments I had to sift through - I found a few helpful, intelligently put comments that have helped me. Unfortunately I still feel it useless to remain a community member here, if for each post I have to sift through countless "you're a horrible person that doesn't deserve happiness" comments to find those rare gems.

 

I guess my original problem posted is something I will have to work through on my own - and so be it. I'm sure I will survive.

[BetrayedH]

Your choice to leave or not. I can tell you that the gems will not be rare should you stay engaged with the posters here. There are countless excellent posters that I am sure chose not to engage in a pointless conversation where the original poster has left the building.

 

But I would appreciate knowing your intent as there are many people to help and I don't care to spend my time writing to someone that will not read it.

 

I also suggest you toughen up your skin a bit. If your husband didn't deserve this, then your discussion with anonymous internet posters will hardly be a practice run compared to facing the actual devastation and emotional rollercoaster to be suffered by your betrayed husband.

 

I hope you go back to read and follow through on my first post to you. If you really intend to try to repair your marriage, it can be done but you have a long way to go and at some point you'll need to accept that a "take it to the grave" mentality means your marriage will always be based on a lie. It doesn't work as a good marriage is built upon communication, respect, and trust. Reconciliation after infidelity can happen but it takes 2-5 years of incredibly hard work; it will never happen if you remain a liar. Do you want to shed that double-life or do you wish to keep it? That's really the key question right now.

[BetrayedH]

By the way, if you want help on maintaining no contact and thoughts of your AP, it might be wise to post a thread in the OM/OW forum. While there are some unremorseful "other" persons there, you'll find a plethora of people in the same boat as you trying to forget their AP and you'll find some extraordinarily wise former OPs that can really help. This Infidelity board also has a remarkable number of brilliant former waywards and reconciled betrayed spouses that are here to help, even if you will hear some "tough love" along the way.

 

Good luck.

[Jonah]

 

feelings of remorse and guilt and so on.

 

other side of not-so-nice behavior. That part of our marriage has improved a good deal over the past 2 years

 

pining after my ex AP, is preventing this a great deal.

 

 

May I suggest that when you have feelings like this, to leave the storyline and find what it is inside of you that is experiencing the emotions. The idea is to find a love for your being and obtaining the ability to find compassion for yourself. The feelings may not go away, or they may fade but come back but you can learn to be ok with that if you can take it steps beyond the storyline, to the base feeling itself and come to love the jewel inside of you that is experiencing life.

 

It is inaccurate to think, "oh I did this bad thing I will never do it again" or "I have this desire I shouldn't have so I must be bad". To have the ability to find where your suffering is coming from will magnify your compassion for all, thus inspire you to tread lighter on this planet, being more careful to protect and nurture yourself and your fellow sentient beings.