Need a bit of support - Cannot escape a break up / contact with the ex.

[KittyKat83]

Hi all,

 

I specifically joined this forum hoping to get some help - or more accurately just a bit of support and words of wisdom. Basically I gotten myself into a bad situation, one where I know I'm fully to blame too: and I know I messed up badly. I entered into a relationship with a colleague at work - despite being married myself. The 'affair' happened for 1 year, and over that time we were in contact daily and very emotionally as well as physically intimate. I never considered myself to be in a unhappy marriage until this relationship with my colleague out of nowhere - but things escalated quickly and before I knew it I had fallen in love. Apparently so had he, although there are still a lot of question marks for me about how he really felt, and whether it was just physical/a fling for him. After about 10 months of a pretty intense relationship; things began to die down on his behalf (apparently due to home commitments, a messy divorce on his side, and just having a lot to deal with, etc) and a few months after that - I found out myself that he in fact had been seeing someone else. He says that it was after the last time we were physical (although I got checked to be sure) - but again, I still had my doubts as to whether he was ever telling the truth about any of the relationship, based on the fact he couldn't be honest with me about his new relationship.

Anyway to get to the point, things broke off about 4 months ago now, but I am still finding it incredibly hard. I know this is mostly due to the fact that I have to work with the guy still, and there is no escape from the emotions. Social media also plays a large role, as we used to use this to communicate regularly outside of work, and to see him leave - basically - love notes to his new gf on his account and see him make new plans etc is extremely painful. I have since axed that level of contact, so I hope things will improve here - it was also concerning me that I was becoming slightly obsessive (nothing threatening) - by checking his comments constantly, etc. As i'm sure a lot of others can testify too - it's made very difficult by the fact that he is obviously not bothered about the break up.

Unfortunately I don't have anyone I can turn to - due to the very nature of the mess I got myself in to. I told 2 very close friends a while back when I was fighting the guilt, but as far as they are aware, I broke things off long ago, and they don't know that i actually fell in love with this guy.

I know this is my cross to bear as a result of the sins I have committed, and I need to work on being a better wife and loving the husband that loves me so much, but I am finding it almost impossible to move on.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be very much appreciated.

[Rainy1030]

Yep it is. Why are you surprised he cheated? He was cheating on his wife, why would he not cheat on you?

 

I get that people get caught up in things, but you screwed up. You cheated. If your husband found out, he'd be devastated. You don't just fall out of love, not like that...no, you make a decision to continue and pursue the affair and you get caught up in it and lose the love for your spouse. Marriages take work, love takes work, and when you chose to stop trying, the love dies out.

 

It may be harsh but you're right, this is your cross to bear. I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for your family because if this ever comes out, it will hurt them. You got to have fun all those months, pretending with him, but now you pay the price-you're stuck seeing him and dealing with the pain. And that is nothing compared to what your husband would feel. The only possible thing I could see you doing is trying to find a new job and possibly seeking counseling.

 

Sorry, but I'm on the other end of it-2 emotional affairs, physical cheating, and being left for the other woman. You have no idea the pain...none...

[96nole]

if you don't want to see what he is posting on Facebook, stop looking at it. Unfriend him. Block him.

 

Why are you pining for a man that doesn't want you? He was married and was cheating on his wife with you and another woman. Wow, sounds like someone you should leave everything for. To him, you are nothing more than another notch on his headboard. If that doesn't help you move on, I don't know what will.

[KittyKat83]

You are both right - and the cheating element is somewhat seperate to the problem I originally posted despite seeing this has moved to this forum (mainly because that is what I considered the most important aspect of getting over this and moving on, and to be perfectly blunt, not to be managed or decided upon on the basis of a forum). The lines on whether we was also unfaithful are also not that straightforward. He was separated and going through a divorce (and still is) - although it is arguable he has little respect for marriage also.

I will not go into trying to excuse my behaviour, but my marriage has suffered in the past from controlling/domineering and somewhat emotionally abusive behaviour in the past - which I know is NEVER an excuse to cheat, but I feel has somewhat contributed to my VERY poor decisions I made.

Anyway, back to the social media comment, I don't think I explained properly in my OP, but that now has been nipped in the bud; blocked, deleted etc. which I believe is helping me recover, albeit very slowly.

 

Why are you pining for a man that doesn't want you?

 

^Well, I guess if that was a simple question that could be answered, it would make someone very rich indeed.

To him, you are nothing more than another notch on his headboard.

 

^Probably very close to the truth, and believe me; that is what I am reminding myself regularly to try and help get through this.

 

All in all, I want to get over this and put this firmly behind me so I can work on the more important aspect of being a better wife, and person in general to someone who deserves it.

[Minnie09]

If you're M is salvageable - save it. I don't know if that's what you want though, since you said something in your op along the lines of "I didn't think I was in a bad M until I started the A"..... So which is it? Do you want to be M or not? Love your H? Feel guilt/shame/remorse? If so, good. You'll be able to work on yourself because you have something that's called introspection. First step towards improvement.

 

As to the AP: I don't know who broke it off, you or him, but either way be thankful it is over. You have a lot of time and energy available now that you can direct towards doing the right thing. Your M, your H, your self-esteem, YOU, your personal goals, a separation.

 

Clear your head, get going. Be thankful it is over. It was nothing more than a distraction.*

 

Don't keep your H around if you don't want him anymore. Just because he loves you doesn't mean you should be with him no matter what. What are you feeling towards him? He owes you nothing. Not a relationship, not a friendship, not happiness, not nothing. If YOU want to be with somebody else, and even if that somebody tosses you like yesterday's newspaper, you can't be with your H. It's not fair, just arrogant and self-serving.

[KittyKat83]

Thanks Minnie - I appreciate those words of advice.

While the A was going on, I did think long and hard about whether to leave my marriage, and things were quite unstable for a period.

The break off the the A was pretty much mutual (despite me being the one most greatly affected by it) I honestly think he would have wanted to carry on if I hadn't found out about the 'other', OW and ending it - although it was on the wind down beforehand from his actions.

 

"You have a lot of time and energy available now that you can direct towards doing the right thing. Your M, your H, your self-esteem, YOU, your personal goals, a separation."

 

This brought tears to my eyes, partly because you could not be any more correct, and it really basically boils down to simple common sense. I think it's a verbal 'shake' like that I need.

 

In terms of the marriage - I think the demise of the A has made me value my M and H more. I know that might just sound like lip service, but it makes me think that the underlying problems in the marriage can be worked on, as the positives do out-weight the negatives. Both H and myself had fallen into a comfortable/boring situation where neither of us appreciated each other and took each other for granted....looking back, I was lonely and slightly resentful in my marriage and didn't realise it.

 

The A was definitely not sought after on my side and I was not looking for someone who could 'understand me' or anything close to those cliches - so I'm not using that as an excuse, but I did fail massively in fighting off the advances and temptations. I lacked a basic strength and willpower, and paid the price by allowing myself to fall in love and ultimately get hurt.

 

As I mentioned, I know what I want and need to do to make things right with my marriage, I just think I need to focus on the positives of the A ending and fixing myself emotionally before I can fix the greater issue at hand.

[Guitarjeff]

I agree. I am stunned that several responders never even mentioned or concerned themselves with the fact that the OP is still forcing her husband to live a lie. Not one mention to her to tell her husband so that he has the truth about what has happened to an intimate part of his life so that he can make decisions for his own life based on that truth.

 

Do you that responded really feel this man should be left to live in such a lie?

 

To the OP, when you refuse to give your husband the truth about what is and has happened around his marriage, you rob him of the ability to make decisions for his own future based on the truth around him. That is horrible thing to do to any human being. You don't fix anything by doing him an extra disservice.

 

Not letting him know the truth about his own marriage is a dastardly deed and is as bad as the cheating itself.

 

If you don't tell him then you are robbing him of something very precious, the right to choose, the right to truly be free because of having the truth to base his own choices on. You will be robbing him of the right to choose his own future based on the truth, and if you do this you are a horrible person. Tell him,you know that;s the right thing to do for him, FOR HIM!!!

[KittyKat83]

So nice to see there is a lack of judgement and good advice kindly being supplied by people here. Firstly, thanks to the person who redirect my post to the "correct" thread that was ensure a barrage of attacks - none of which serving any helpful purpose. I only hope that it has in someway served as therapy to those who are obviously redirecting their own pain toward a faceless stranger who was merely looking for help.

 

There are many issues that I have not touched on - purely because it didn't relate to the current issue I'm facing: such as the guilt and anguish, the decision whether to hurt my husband and tell him even though it is already over, or to continue being dishonest and hide it from him. Nor did I see fit to discuss the past controlling behaviour I have experienced from earlier on in my marriage, from hacking my accounts, physically restraining me from leaving the house in knee-length skirts or anything that would "draw attention" to myself, or even his online affairs I have been the 'victim' of myself. I never mentioned this because it has little to no relevance to the issue at hand.

I shall request my account is deactivated - I don't need to be trolled to realize that I have done something very wrong and that I need to atone for those things....just a shame nobody is willing or able to actually help.

I do however wonder why forums like this even exist, when people posting here are obviously leading perfect, faultless and sin-free existences. It must be a very entertaining view on us pond scum from your ivory towers.

 

It's not even that I disagree with the comments and insults: it just amazes me the opportunity and other people's anguish others will stoop to jump on, to stroke their own ego and make themselves feel much better about their own situation.

 

Genuine thanks to you however, LadyGrey - I think you actually 'got' why I was posting, but I disagree that I will find anything of use or help here, other than washer-women gossips and sanctimonious stone-throwers.

Edited April 16, 2013 by KittyKat83

[BetrayedH]

As for your former affair partner, the straight forward advice on how to detach is quite simply to go "no contact" with him. Every contact you have is a reminder of the affair and a distraction from where you want your mental headspace to dedicated. It's wise to take a much harder look at the potential for a job change. I realize you would like another answer but the fact is that there really is none better than NC. I would recommend also trying to establish a sort of mental no contact as well. When you find yourself musing on the affair or romanticising it, envision a stop sign in your head and force your thoughts into another direction. Perhaps the best idea is to redirect them towards your husband. Spend the next five minutes thinking of what you can do for him. Send him a flirty text, plan a vacation, decide on something nice you can do for him. What a better use of your time than thinking of your AP.

 

As for your own emotional state, I recommend a lot of introspection. Think about "why" you got into this affair. You seem smart enough to avoid the typical surface justifications for the affair (which try to pin the blame on the betrayed spouse or the marriage). That's good. Regardless of your marital problems, you had a choice to fix them or leave. Instead, you chose to uave an extra marital affair. By now you certainly know that this doesn't fix anything. In fact, it typical rains destruction it everyone it touches. It's not a very logical solution but a harmful one. It probably also goes against your own moral and ethical beliefs. So why would you make such an unhealthy, illogical, unethical, and destructive choice that is against your own standards? I recommend a huge focus on this during individual counseling. Do you have an excessive need for external validation? Are you conflict-avoidant? Do you have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement? These kinds of things have a tendency to form during our childhood or are connected to our family of origin. Dig deep to figure out why you chose this path instead of the more obvious choices of fixing your marriage or leaving it.

 

At some point you will need to wrestle with telling your husband. While some of the other posters failed to have tact, their message was correct in that your H deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to live his life. It's time for you to start taking steps to live a honest and authentic life. That doesn't happen with such a huge lie between yourself and your husband. And it's seriously a major impediment to your goal of rebuilding your marriage. Personally, I don't think it needs to be immediate. You need to come to grips with your why and how difficult reconciliation can be. You also need to ensure that you're not staying out of guilt, fear or obligation. I recommend you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, What Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know.

 

I also recommend two books. One is, How To Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair by Linda McDonald. The other is, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The first is a quick and simple read, like 80 pages, and may help you get into the right mindset. The second is an absolutely remarkable book that i consider the infidelity Bible. You have fallen into a trap that many, many prople have fallen into before you. There are absolute patterns that you should recognize. Once you "get it" and this affair fog lifts from your view, you may very well experience the true remorse that it takes to restore your marriage.

 

As for LoveShack, it is a remarkable place and I hope you change your mind about leaving. There are posters that are troublesome and may lash out from a place of hurt. There is also a wisdom beyond measure and you will learn some things here that you can't pay for anywhere else. The trick is to take what works for you and leave the rest.

 

Good luck to you.

[TheOW]

I think you need a break from work and your H (if at all possible) go on holiday or a weekend away and sort through your feelings and emotions, you need to get away and work on yourself. Trust me it does the world of good

[TheOW]

As for your former affair partner, the straight forward advice on how to detach is quite simply to go "no contact" with him. Every contact you have is a reminder of the affair and a distraction from where you want your mental headspace to dedicated. It's wise to take a much harder look at the potential for a job change. I realize you would like another answer but the fact is that there really is none better than NC. I would recommend also trying to establish a sort of mental no contact as well. When you find yourself musing on the affair or romanticising it, envision a stop sign in your head and force your thoughts into another direction. Perhaps the best idea is to redirect them towards your husband. Spend the next five minutes thinking of what you can do for him. Send him a flirty text, plan a vacation, decide on something nice you can do for him. What a better use of your time than thinking of your AP.

 

As for your own emotional state, I recommend a lot of introspection. Think about "why" you got into this affair. You seem smart enough to avoid the typical surface justifications for the affair (which try to pin the blame on the betrayed spouse or the marriage). That's good. Regardless of your marital problems, you had a choice to fix them or leave. Instead, you chose to uave an extra marital affair. By now you certainly know that this doesn't fix anything. In fact, it typical rains destruction it everyone it touches. It's not a very logical solution but a harmful one. It probably also goes against your own moral and ethical beliefs. So why would you make such an unhealthy, illogical, unethical, and destructive choice that is against your own standards? I recommend a huge focus on this during individual counseling. Do you have an excessive need for external validation? Are you conflict-avoidant? Do you have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement? These kinds of things have a tendency to form during our childhood or are connected to our family of origin. Dig deep to figure out why you chose this path instead of the more obvious choices of fixing your marriage or leaving it.

 

At some point you will need to wrestle with telling your husband. While some of the other posters failed to have tact, their message was correct in that your H deserves to be able to make an informed decision about how to live his life. It's time for you to start taking steps to live a honest and authentic life. That doesn't happen with such a huge lie between yourself and your husband. And it's seriously a major impediment to your goal of rebuilding your marriage. Personally, I don't think it needs to be immediate. You need to come to grips with your why and how difficult reconciliation can be. You also need to ensure that you're not staying out of guilt, fear or obligation. I recommend you read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, What Every Wayward Spouse Needs to Know.

 

I also recommend two books. One is, How To Help My Spouse Heal From My Affair by Linda McDonald. The other is, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The first is a quick and simple read, like 80 pages, and may help you get into the right mindset. The second is an absolutely remarkable book that i consider the infidelity Bible. You have fallen into a trap that many, many prople have fallen into before you. There are absolute patterns that you should recognize. Once you "get it" and this affair fog lifts from your view, you may very well experience the true remorse that it takes to restore your marriage.

 

As for LoveShack, it is a remarkable place and I hope you change your mind about leaving. There are posters that are troublesome and may lash out from a place of hurt. There is also a wisdom beyond measure and you will learn some things here that you can't pay for anywhere else. The trick is to take what works for you and leave the rest.

 

Good luck to you.

 

This is great advice, stay with us on LS and take what you need from its posters. Some unfortunately are full of hate but you will learn to ignore them or understand their pain.

[BetrayedH]

Yes... but she is that kind of person... I can read it totally from her post... she is not remorseful for deceiving her husband... she is just hurt because her AP deceived her (funny the double standard there...). You can read how she was ready to sing out from the marriage but since it failed now she is willing to work on her marriage.. As you can see her commitment is huge !! (sarcasm).

 

She is just a selfish soul who's unique and only interest is her own well being and satisfaction and the right of her husband to chose is of no importance for her. She will hold him hostage with her lie till he finds out or till she finds another man she can leech in...

 

No hope here... not at all..

 

Is this what you meant by talking to the original poster?

[leonine]

For the rest... I am answering OP and it is the OP thread... if I ever post here and ask for something feel entitled to give your opinion... till then please just keep it for yourself!

 

Let me explain to you how discussion boards work. Someone posts a topic and then people discuss it. All messages in the thread are available to be responded to, even yours. If you want to write a message to someone and not get any commentary from other posters, you should use the private messaging system.

[Act Two]

I am a fWS and got a lot of heat here too, BUT it is worthwhile to stick around. There are many wonderful posters who can help you.

 

I second the advice to read Not Just Friends as a start, and to begin a personal introspective journey into figuring out why you made this decision, which is destructive all around.

 

I understand where you are right now and wish you the very best in recovering your integrity, and if possible, your marriage. A good start is to take a hard and realistic look at what you did. Sometimes reading the pain of the betrayed spouses in this forum is helpful in building empathy for the pain you inflicted, even if your spouse is not yet aware of the affair. You did betray him at the deepest level and you need to face that full on.

 

In the meantime, ignore the attacks that you are hopeless. You are not, and you are worth it to fix yourself and your marriage if you can.

 

P.S. I would look for a new job!

[Act Two]

Ohh I get your point very well... the one that doesn't get my point is you... I don't give a rat on what you have to say about my post... I hope that is clear now!

 

And how are you the expert on infidelity? You aren't a BS, WS or OM? How do you know what it takes to become remorseful?

 

I think it is terrible to run someone off who is trying to figure out how to become a better person. It doesn't mean condoning infidelity, but you don't get to declare someone to be hopeless (or their situation). Who are you to make that judgment?

[BetrayedH]

Here's how I read that post...

 

Hi all,

 

I specifically joined this forum hoping to get some help - or more accurately just a bit of support and words of wisdom. Basically I gotten myself into a bad situation, one where I know I'm fully to blame too: and I know I messed up badly. I entered into a relationship with a colleague at work - despite being married myself...relatively useless details pretty much consistent with all affairs removed...I know this is my cross to bear as a result of the sins I have committed, and I need to work on being a better wife and loving the husband that loves me so much, but I am finding it almost impossible to move on.

Any advice or words of wisdom would be very much appreciated.

[BetrayedH]

Nice...! I kept the fact that she didn't mention the husband just to say that she will commit to him now that the AP has ditched her...

 

Different ways to reading I guess..

 

Nice that you want to help her... to do what if I may ask?

 

I wanted to help her confess to her BS and restore her marriage. I thought I had written a pretty good post to that affect.

 

I have no interest in going toe to toe with you. You can post what you like and the moderators can decide if it is within the terms of service. I just wish we could collectively be smarter about how we deal with one another. I have also lashed out at posters so I won't judge you harshly but it was certainly frustrating to write that post only to discover that she was gone by the time I had hit send (had we even made it to the second page of responses by then?).

[Guitarjeff]

Any suggestion for her to delqay telling her husband was NOT helping her at all. So i completely disagree with BH when he said she could maybe wait to tell him. For starters, she can make no decisions that will really help her marriage because marriage is a TWO WAY street and the husband NEEDS to know what has happened for any recon to happen. So you tell her to think about herself for a while, and then tell the husband, so then he can then decide things for his own life? Why can't they start out DECIDING that tgether with him having the true freedom to make decisions for his own life. BH, you did tell her that he needed to know, but I belive you are FLAT OUT WRONG if you suggest he should be put on hold while she does some introspective thinking, and I saw no rational argument at all why it would be right in any way to delay telling him. He deserves the right to think about his own situation at the VERY SAME time she should be thinking about her self.

 

LG, you say you think AL was being cruel, but if you don't explain to her that she is doing a horrible thing to her husband by making him live a lie, aren't you being "Cruel" to her husband? Is it all just about her and NOT him at all?

 

I would be VERY angry to know that someone has robbed even a SINGLE DAY of my freedom to choose what's best for my own life, and you and BH seem to not be bothered at all about him and his situation. BH at least said he needs to know, and surely you both know that her only working alone inside is meaningless as far as saving their marriage because it will take BOTH to fix it, and it will take TRUTH, and keeping him in the dark and making him live a lie even ONE EXTRA DAY is a horrible thing to do to him in my opinion.

 

Also, reading the original post, man, I have to also agree with AL. I see MOSTLY her upset over her own self being made a fool of, or upset that she has to see this guy, and her OWN FEELINGS, almost NOTHING about her being upset at making her husband live a DAILY LIE in his livce. Nothing about getting help in how to HELP her husband or help in how to tell him what is going on around his life. help on how to make it up to him IF he wants to still be with her AFTER she tells him immediately.

 

So I'm sorry, but if you claim AL is being cruel to her (and i agree it was harsh to say she has no hope, as I believe all people do), I also see a bit of cruelty to her husband coming from you because it doesn't seem you are too interested in seeing him get the truth about this horrible thing hanging over his head.

 

I have seen NOT ONE SINGLE rational argument as to why it would be acceptable for her to wake tomorrow and to allow her husband to live a lie for even a single day. By all means, please, give me that rational argument. I'll even start it for both of you and you can finish it. Here we go.

 

OP, it is fine if you wake tomorrow and let your husband live another day of a lie and to rob him of the truth around him so that he cannot make proper decisions for his own life, BECAUSE.... You finish that statement, will you?

 

I believe if you don't instruct her to do the right thing, THEN YOU ARE NOT BEING KIND TO HER AT ALL!! Don't you see this?

 

so if a husband comes in and admits he is beating and abusing his wife, will you suggest he get in touch with his feelings and go on a journey of self discovery with kindness, and oh, by the way, go on and keep beating your wife while you decide what you want to do with your life?

 

Making her husband live a lie, to me, is the same thing, you are HURTING another human being and there can NEVER be a good reason to continue it another day, another minute.

 

If you look the other way while she continues to hurt another human being, then you are part of causing that pain. She does not have the right to continue hurting him while she tries to discover herself. THAT'S CRUELTY, and anyone who looks the other way while it's happening is also being cruel.

 

I agree with you about being nice to each other here. But I also know that what she is doing to her husband on a daily basis is NOT BEING NICE to him, so is she herself going against your standards of being nice? So AL is being cruel to her, but she isn't actively being cruel to her husband? Or is it that the cruelty she is involved in doesn't disturb you as much as the cruelty AL is showing her? Why would you not find her cruelty just as disturbing as the cruelty AL is showing?

 

The OP asked for help, but what's worse is that her husband CAN'T ASK for help because he is being lied to EVERY DAY, I can't think of anything more cruel heaped upon him, but it appears to me that you think AL is showing more cruelty, or at least a different kind that you find disturbing while not appearing to find the cruelty she is involved in nearly as cruel, for some reason, so we will have to agree to disagree, just my opinion.

[Guitarjeff]

And i also wanted to add, do you really think she left here because AL ran her off? Or did she leave here because she knows she is being called on the cruelty she is practicing on a daily basis against her husband and she has no intention of doing the right thing and doesn't even want to hear about doing the right thing? Come on, I think we both know she couldn't be run off by a few words. I think we all know why she really ran off, her last statement shows her making excuses for her affair. Read her last statement again and tell me you really believe she ran off because of AL, or she ran off because SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR about how cruel she is being to her husband and that she has no intention of doing the right thing so she doesn't even want to hear it.

 

She ran off because she was being called on cruelty she is practicing on a daily basis RIGHT NOW TODAY and she doesn't like feeling guilty about it. I'm sorry, but when I read every post she made I see the VAST MAJORITY of it being self centered and her husband being put in as an after thought to her poor situation.

[BetrayedH]

Just being realistic, gentlemen. Not many waywards go from a taking it to the grave mentality to confessing today, particularly just because they were shamed by random internet posters. It takes time to influence a wayward. My strategy (which always has the interests of the BS in mind) is to be persuasive with logic and reason and yes, even a little empathy. And it's worked on more than one occasion. In this case, I didn't get to make the attempt (she gets to take some of the blame for that one) and I'm not so sure that the shaming approach accomplished anything. As for the BS, I suspect they're still being lied to and it appears that we'll have nothing to do with changing the wayward's mind on it.

[Guitarjeff]

And that is exactly my point... she didn't want help... has she really wanted help my words would have not run her out of the forum... you can see most of the WS initial posts have to read pretty harsh comments but the ones who really wanted help took the positives and left the negatives...

What frustrates me the most is that as you say no one here seems to realize that the one who really needs help is her husband but the worse of all... he doesn't even know it!

 

And something else. I feel that you are owed an apology, AL. Also going back to your statement, I believe it too was taken out of context. i read it again and you said "NO HOPE HERE", meaning IN THIS SITUATION. You didn't say she AS AN INDIVIDUAL HUMAN BEING doesn't have any hope. You were saying that since she clearly isn't here to get help stopping the lie she is making her husband live, then she is not here for the RIGHT REASONS, not that she doesn't have hope as an individual human being.

 

Then, you were trounced on and I'm sorry LG, but it looks like you are the one that has bitterness and anger. Look at the way that you attacked AL and assumed he was saying she as an individual human has no hope. When i go back and read what he said, CLEARLY he means no hope in this situation because she is NOT HERE to e3nd suffering she is causing another human being, but to ease her own love-pain over her lover and her husband is clearly secondary, collateral damage that can be dealt with later. Sorry, but AL was RIGHT ON THE NOSE about it and saying there is "No hope hear" is saying she is not here for the right reasons and is not looking to end the suffering AND CRUELTY she is inflicting on another human being. She should have taken her posting over to the COPING FORUM for broken hearts, not to the infidelity forum so that she can get some romance help.

 

Had she been here for real help she would have been asking, "How can I break this to my husband, I can't let him live another day in a huge lie like this, I know I have to stop the cruelty I am putting him through, I know it's the right thing to do, but I need help in how to approach him" "I know i can never even begin to fix myself while I am ACTIVELY, KNOWINGLY, hurting another human being"

 

Had she came here in that way then she would have been truly here for the right reasons and there would be HOPE for the situation, HOPE FOR HER HUSBAND AS WELL. The very first bit of advice to her should have been "Don't practice ONE MORE DAY of deception on this other human being. You can't fix ANYTHING while you are actively engaged in daily deception that compromises another human being".

 

Clearly she was here not to end the daily suffering and destruction of the lives she is practicing, she was here for herself and her love problems, in other words, not even close to being here for the right reasons. AL was saying there is no hope in this situation until she actually wants help doing the right thing for the real victim in this situation. So yep, others may not agree with me, but AL, you are owed an apology. Again, just my opinion, but I had to state how I felt.

[BetrayedH]

I honestly have no interests in arguing with you. You may feel that the OP was hopeless and that's your prerogative. My view happens to be that her affair was ended and the longer that NC stayed in place, the more receptive that she would likely be to doing the right thing. I gave her conventional wisdom on maintaining and improving her NC situation with the hopes of then influencing her to come clean with her husband (which I addressed in that same post). I think it was going to take time and yes, perhaps there was little hope when she's stuck in foggy mindedness. But I also suggested two good books to help open her mind to a different thought process. Just by virtue of asking questions here, it gives me some hope that the OP was having a crisis of conscience and was seeking wisdom. I just found it unfortunate that I had no real chance to share it. If there is a real concern for her BS, I think our odds were better keepin her engaged than with her leaving (which again, is ultimately on her).

[Guitarjeff]

While I like some of the advice you gave, I WILL NEVER believe that when you were being cheated on that you would have felt it was proper for someone to be telling your wife that it was fine for her to continue to practice her deception against you. I don't believe that for A SECOND and I don't believe anyone else does either. This poor man has lived a lie for over A YEAR!!!! He has had a year of his life STOLEN from him, and how you, after having been cheated on, could possibly give advice that it's fine to allow this man to continue to live this lie is mind-blowing to me. The husband is the victim and she clearly was not concerned with him and the cruelty she is practicing daily on him.

 

I honestly have no interests in arguing with you. You may feel that the OP was hopeless and that's your prerogative. My view happens to be that her affair was ended and the longer that NC stayed in place, the more receptive that she would likely be to doing the right thing. I gave her conventional wisdom on maintaining and improving her NC situation with the hopes of then influencing her to come clean with her husband (which I addressed in that same post). I think it was going to take time and yes, perhaps there was little hope when she's stuck in foggy mindedness. But I also suggested two good books to help open her mind to a different thought process. Just by virtue of asking questions here, it gives me some hope that the OP was having a crisis of conscience and was seeking wisdom. I just found it unfortunate that I had no real chance to share it. If there is a real concern for her BS, I think our odds were better keepin her engaged than with her leaving (which again, is ultimately on her).

[Guitarjeff]

And imagine how he is going to feel when he realizes that this has been kept from him for an ENTIRE YEAR!! He is going to realize that, "Hey, I could have used that year of my life to set the proper path for me and I would be a year down that new road, whether it was with my wife or in a new life of my choosing".

 

She has STOLEN a year of this persons freedom to choose, a year of his very precious life. He could have already been through the main part of the intense pain he is going to feel, but this lie has postponed his ability to get on with it. He HAS TO BEGIN his pain at a FUTURE TIME of HER choosing, how nice of her. She'll decide when to stop her cruelty to him and she'll decide when he can get on with his life and on with dealing with the pain.

 

No doubt about it, she has ROBBED this human being of a year of progress, a year of his freedom to choose the path of his own life based on the truth, and it doesn't appear she has any intention of letting him get the truth any time soon. To me this is cruelty that's even worse than the infidelity, FAR WORSE. The infidelity comes from human weakness, but to continue to practice her cruelty to this other human being is an ON-GOING crime she is practicing daily and has been practicing for over a year. I can't imagine a more cruel thing to do to another human being.

 

 

Thank you man! I don't need them to apologize (not that they would do that anyway) but is nice to feel that someone can see my point!

 

She didn't want help... she just came to the wrong forum by mistake... but she didn't want help... just commiseration for the loss of her AP...

I of course didn't mean that she as person had no hope... but her case has no hope... I thought that part was clear to be honest with you...

 

Anyway I really got tired to have to explain all those people why I make one or other comment... I come here and I say what comes from my soul, if I think someone is looking for help I will try to help ... If I see someone just looks for commiseration I will do what I did... I still feel a very strong irritation when I think about the BS of this story...he doesn't have a clue of what kind of a person he has at home...

[BetrayedH]

While I like some of the advice you gave, I WILL NEVER believe that when you were being cheated on that you would have felt it was proper for someone to be telling your wife that it was fine for her to continue to practice her deception against you. I don't believe that for A SECOND and I don't believe anyone else does either. This poor man has lived a lie for over A YEAR!!!! He has had a year of his life STOLEN from him, and how you, after having been cheated on, could possibly give advice that it's fine to allow this man to continue to live this lie is mind-blowing to me. The husband is the victim and she clearly was not concerned with him and the cruelty she is practicing daily on him.

 

No offense Jeff but you don't know me from Adam. If my wife had managed to stop her affair and was being counseled on how to find the courage to confess, that would have been a lightyear's improvement from my reality, one where I chose to reconcile without such a benefit.

 

I do find it somewhat comical that you're somehow trying to paint me in some way as against exposure. My beliefs on exposure are well documented all over this forum. I routinely implore WSs, OPs, BSs, and anyone that knows of affairs to expose to the BS. Not long ago I started a lengthy thread looking to debate any reasons not to tell and came to the conclusion that there really aren't any except perhaps when there's a demonstrable risk of physical harm to someone (and even then I would look for a safe workaround to permit exposure).

 

I would say that my own experience probably colors my view when it comes to advising a wayward to think before they disclose. My wife didn't choose to disclose and reinvest in her marriage. She was busted. The result was a sort of panic on her part - she decided to stay out of fear, guilt, and obligation. She half-assed the R, TT'd, broke NC, etc because there was no introspection before exposure. It was a waste of 8 tortured months. So, would I have preferred for my wife to end her affair and then take six months thinking, reading the books I recommended and talking to people here before a voluntary disclosure? Hell yeah. I might still be married.