Is depression a relationship time-bomb?

[zanzi]

I feel like it is.

Ugh. I have flu symptoms from a stupid flu shot and have run out of medication and can't afford more. I feel sick as a dog and slightly effing crazy.

I got pissed at my bf today. But when is that new. I cant seem to even treat him the way he deserves. Before we started to officially date, I even slept with someone else because he pissed me off by telling me he never wanted to be with me officially. So I threw him the finger by doing that, which was lame as crap. The lack of trust he understandably has of me is just another nail in the coffin. Plus the fact I don't deserve him because all I ever do is scream and feel angry and depressed. Sometimes I just want it to be over so I don't have to feel bad about how I treat him. I know a lot of you are going to flame me for my behaviour anyway so I might as well be truthful about it.

 

 

I snap at him a lot more then I like to admit. Which makes me feel like a piece of crap person, no doubt many of you will back that feeling up.

I just have so much crap in my life right now, I need time to myself. I feel like the two of us can be so silly and ridiculous sometimes, arguing about the most tedious stuff. I ended up just saying, look, I'm an effed up person who probably needs a lot of help that Im not getting, you wan't someone without problems just leave me. Cos I can't deal with this.

So despondent and sick today. Would be in bed but don't want to let some stupid vaccination stop me doing the work I have to do and my student flat is about as inviting as puke. (so posting on here isn't work, but still, I deserve a freaking break. Iv'e been at it in the darkroom at uni making print after print, researching studying blah. I'm just ranting.

Whats the freaking point of being all lovey dovey and open with some guy that is going to be gone in a few months or a year at best anyway? eh, nothing lasts. Health crumbles. At best I feel like all my relationships so far have just been lessons in how to not be such a prat to other people but far out, I am so freaking tired of being afraid that everyone will leave.

 

Yet sometimes I feel so freaking smothered I wan't to scream and run away.

 

Because they do. In the end you die alone. Or just lie in your hideously unsanitary student flat feeling like crap alone. Relationships. Your health. They are all doomed.

[Feelin Frisky]

It doesn't have to be if the sufferer sees a doctor and learns how to overcome the patterns with the help of medication. There are also varying degrees of depression as well as a very real truth that most any kind of mental/emotional malady can make your partner unwell if you don't treat it in yourself. It's a responsibility to seek wellness, not deny unwellness.

[zanzi]

I am on meds I saw my doctor just today and I saw a councillor just last week. You can hardly accuse me of not being proactive just because my medication isn't working for me. I cant afford to buy more this week because my student allowance barely covers doctors bills, food, and rent.

 

so Im going to be sitting around with the flu, cackling quietly in a dark flat. Because I am going to lose it.

[zanzi]

at the begging of the post I said " Ive just had a flu shot and it made me sick as a dog"

who gives out flu shots? oh yes thats right, the doctor. The one I spoke to about this **** this morning, last month, a year ago.

[Feelin Frisky]

I am on meds I saw my doctor just today and I saw a councillor just last week. You can hardly accuse me of not being proactive just because my medication isn't working for me. I cant afford to buy more this week because my student allowance barely covers doctors bills, food, and rent.

 

so Im going to be sitting around with the flu, cackling quietly in a dark flat. Because I am going to lose it.

 

Whoa, I was reading until you said something about "accusing you". My statement was to whom it may concerned. And I have been on Prozac for 23 years. Sorry. I meant no accusation. I just didn't read your whole post. It doesn't matter who has the condition--its effect on the partner can be the undoing of a relationship. I didn't have depression that caused my relationship to bust. I worked hard to make something of myself and got involved with someone who had a serious complex called borderline personality I didn't understand. I still take my Prozac because it seems to help me be less temperamental and more objective about everything. It seems to make me "sharper" and that translates sometimes into "smarter"--at least in my decisions.

[zanzi]

I'm just not sure exactly what it is I'm supposed to be doing to get rid of it anymore. I'm going to see a psyche and get re-evaluted soon.

as for the partner, I have made it clear to him that, there will be bad times, I am struggling, and if he can't handle it, he had better leave me alone to do it myself. I always, always feel like the bad guy in the relationship, no matter how much I do to redeem my moodiness. Our mutual friend apparently thinks i'm a giant ho bag for what I have done in the past.

 

Basically, I get sick, I run out of meds, I snap, I feel like a fu**wit for doing it. I go round and round in circles talking with councillors, feeling like the only place i'm getting is nowhere fast...I'm pretty much kissing goodbye to any hope of being a normal functioning person again at this point.

 

as for that bloody doctor, I don't know what he was thinking giving me a jab without mentioning that oh by the way you will get sick as hell. I got no food at home, so I go to get a food grant and they refuse to help me because I brought a burger from macas as we call it in NZ (macdonalds) instead of getting something from the supermarket. I think I am losing my bloody mind.

[dasein]

Bow up! If you aren't satisfied with your behavior stop doing it. Life is not an ocean that you are tossed around on, we have less control than we want, but more than we need to function without making our relationships miserable. If you feel your life is bad, then consider things that could really make it bad, in all likelihood you will realize you are well and truly blessed. This isn't a function of depression IMO, but just letting things happen you should take the reins of. Good luck.

[zanzi]

I cant stop being angry all the time. as someone who was assaulted last month and punched up by my ex flatmate, with no money for meds and people getting smart at me, I do not feel blessed.

 

I'm going to break up with him. If he wants a girl who will kiss his ass all day he's gonna have to go find someone else.

[reaver]

I think you and Sanitarium have a bright future together.

 

ChessPieceFace, what in the world has made you such a mean, malicious person? This girl is suffering and you make fun of her? WTF is WRONG with you?

 

Sanatarium does not have a disease, so no, they are NOT the same. Depression is a disease. Sanatarium is just crazy- he is not depressed but trolls many different forums on the internet for pure fun. Very different.

[dasein]

Suggest you recover from the flu before making any relationship decisions. Being sick is obviously coloring your judgment, get rest and hope you feel better soon.

[zanzi]

I have improved greatly today. also I just went and sat in a corner and counted to ten, which has stilled my rage for a moment.

 

I don't think it's just now that Iv'e been thinking this relationship is a giant headache for him and me. The time alone has given me great clarity. I'm still pretty immature at age 21 and being single is probably what I need at the moment. Do I love him? sure, plenty. I would lay my life down to protect him. Is it worth feeling like a crap person because I can't control my temper, starting to think no. Could I find someone else when I ready, you betcha.

 

christ.

[ChessPieceFace]

ChessPieceFace, what in the world has made you such a mean, malicious person?

 

Humans.

 

But yes, my comment was not at all helpful.

 

OP, here's the deal - you have serious issues that need to be addressed. I've said this to Sanitarium also. The negativity you feel and express have no basis in reality, can't be defended by anything that happened to you and you need counseling and/or meds. Your multiple death threats toward me show this to an even greater degree. I don't like meds due to most of them having terrible side-effects, but when you readily admit you're sabotaging your relationships and treating your BF like crap, as well as posting horribly negative things and threatening people - obviously something drastic is needed. So you can continue to complain on internet forums and threaten people's lives, or you can actually do something positive for your own life.

 

I would start by looking into bipolar disorder. You may very well have it. It is treatable.

[zanzi]

I also wanted to add that despite the angry posts I am not the huge ***wit that chesspeiceface suggests and I do care about my boyfriend otherwise I wouldn't be thinking of letting him go. I do everything I freaking can to make him happy at other times, rub his feet, back, head when he gets his migraines, bring him his favourite foods, spend heaps of time with him and treat him to nice things that I know he likes whenever possible. I tell him I care but obviously I'm not showing it.

 

I have been to counselling extensively addressing my issue with being verbally abusive with people I am close to. It just seems that in my case, there can never be enough counselling. My own mother wouldn't speak to me for six months when I was a teenager. because I was so severely depressed that I no longer lived in reality and would have screaming and swearing fits and hallucinate that demons were in my house. ( I come from a christian upbringing which screwed me up profoundly.)

[zanzi]

do not.

compare. me to him again.

ever.

I know I have issues. that why I want to break up with him.

On the surface nobody even realises just how bad it is. only my boyfriend has seen it, and look how he reacts. and how I react to how he reacts.

I am just so angry all the time. I know why, my teenage years were f*cked up. I was put into a mental ward because I was raped at age 18 and went up to a multi complex carpark, stood at the top and stood on the ledge behind the barrier.

I sat there with my legs swinging in the air and thought with intense satisfaction about how much it would hurt my mum if I jumped. the one who put me in that flat where I was raped in the first place. Then I called my stepdad and said " I'm on a ledge and I'm getting dizzy and I'm about to fall. can you call someone please."

The police then appeared out of nowhere and dragged me over the barrier.

"what were you doing."

"oh nothing."

 

nothing at all.

[zanzi]

Humans.

 

But yes, my comment was not at all helpful.

 

OP, here's the deal - you have serious issues that need to be addressed. I've said this to Sanitarium also. The negativity you feel and express have no basis in reality, can't be defended by anything that happened to you and you need counseling and/or meds. Your multiple death threats toward me show this to an even greater degree. I don't like meds due to most of them having terrible side-effects, but when you readily admit you're sabotaging your relationships and treating your BF like crap, as well as posting horribly negative things and threatening people - obviously something drastic is needed. So you can continue to complain on internet forums and threaten people's lives, or you can actually do something positive for your own life.

 

I would start by looking into bipolar disorder. You may very well have it. It is treatable.

 

while were pointing fingers and doing diagnoses, Im sure YOU have serious issues too. Im just being 100% honest about mine regardless of how bad the things Iv'e done are and you compare me to some ****wit. Your lucky you can hide behind your computer screen.

[hudson701]

WOW lol...Issues, that's the understatement of the year.

 

Get on the Fluoextine ASAP, I did and it has literally saved my life.

 

Does depression ruin relationships? Absolutely! My depression totally and utterly destroyed my previous relationship with the only girl I have ever been in love with. I am now 30. Pretty sad really.

 

Get it sorted before your mind takes over and it becomes too much. I know the feeling and totally empathise with you. Been there, done that and lost it all. Don't ever wanna go there again.

[zanzi]

well anyones life looks bad if they are as blatantly honest about it as I have been.

 

Half my friends have no idea what I am really like. The other half nervously hover around me not knowing what to do. In truth, my depression often has elements of psychosis.

 

I already know I don't have bipolar, that would require me having highs and I have not an emotional high for seven years.

 

I am on medication at the moment. I feel like the doctors I see either try to blanket the problem with too many meds or they don't prescribe the right or enough drugs. and yet my boyfriend wants me to be "nicer."

huh. I feel it's time to blow this popsicle stand and sort this stuff out without his constant whining about " why can't you be nicer."