ozziegal8 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hi I have been dating a divorced guy, (3 years divorced, kids). Treats me really well very affectionate caring. Only negative is that he has a chip on his shoulder about relationships and woman. Thinks they never work out, told me he is scared of getting hurt said he wont put himself in that posistion again. He does talk a lot about the marriage and the wife but also his mates relationships as well. There is also another issue, he is unable to keep an erection up. Has anyone experienced the same deal, not sure what to do or approach this. I brought this up on Sunday after another unsuccesful attempt. he just went to sleep.so i asked why i had to make the first move. he said im too used to young boysmaking the first move? he also helped me move over the weekend which was lovely. He left monday morning and i havent heard since although he does have his 2 kids for school hols.
salparadise Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Divorce can be one of life's most difficult experiences. The amount of time it takes to get through it varies. It sounds like he's still dealing with a lot of pain. He may need to talk more to finish the process. It's the grieving process and it won't resolve just with passing time- it's necessary to talk it out and to be heard. Has he been to therapy? Declaring to you that he'll never take another chance is a bit troublesome I think. If that's true then what's his interest in you- momentary amusement? Therapeutic surrogate? It's pretty easy to logically dispel those irrational b&w statements (that it never works out), but harder to change the underlying belief. Love and heartbreak are opposite sides of the same coin- you can't know love without risking heartbreak, and it's only possible to have one relationship in this life that doesn't end in a breakup, and if you're lucky enough to find that one it necessarily ends in death. That's just how it is, so he needs to perhaps gain some awareness and decide if he really intends to never again open himself to love just to maintain the illusion that one can go through life without experiencing pain. And it is an illusion. Not loving or being loved is also suffering, just of a different variety. You didn't say what you're hoping for in this relationship. The sad thing is that he's not really available to love again until he's moved past the divorce. And on top of that, he's declaring to you that he doesn't intend to open up and take the risk. It would've been better for you to have met him after all of this is resolved. If you stay with him until it is, assuming that it will eventually resolve, there is the possibility that he will leave you as he becomes clear again since this relationship will have been part of his process. You need to decide whether or not you have the strength and desire to help him through it while expecting absolutely nothing in return. Most people wouldn't want to as we mostly expect reciprocity in relationships. I think his erection issues are tied to the unresolved stuff and that it will be ok once he deals with it properly rather than avoiding it. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 ok thanks to everyone, i have been seeing this guy for a month now. now since our 'talk' on sunday night he left monday morning i havent heard from him since, its now thursday. im concerned its over. he does have his kids for holidays and was taking them away for a few days but he did this last week and still sent at least a text a day. can anyone explain the no communication from him, i dont know what to do. i cant call him as he is with his kids and i havent text him either. he did say he likes me otherwise he wouldnt be here but thats his defence to say he is interested and reassure me, its hard to be reassured when he has this problem and wont tell me whats really going on. we have tried now to have sex about 5 times.
PogoStick Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 How old is he, what are his medical issues? Overweight, diabetes, high BP, on antidepressants? How old are you? How important is sex to you? I'm 35 and 3 yrs divorced. Ask away or PM if you want.
Author ozziegal8 Posted April 12, 2013 Author Posted April 12, 2013 well i sent a txt yesterday saying how is your hols going? nothing, i dont get it what have i done wrong?
salparadise Posted April 12, 2013 Posted April 12, 2013 well i sent a txt yesterday saying how is your hols going? nothing, i dont get it what have i done wrong? I don't think you should assume you've done anything wrong. It certainly doesn't sound like you have. This guy has unresolved issues- issues that you can't fix. He told you that he's afraid of getting hurt, and he's probably embarrassed and ashamed about his sexual problem. I think you should just bid him a kind farewell with the understanding that he isn't ready. Don't blame yourself- it's not your fault. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 still no word from him i sent a text last thursday and nothing... i dont know what to do he has my bike as well?
Author ozziegal8 Posted April 16, 2013 Author Posted April 16, 2013 ok i called last night after a week of not hearing from him. i said i was worried. he was actually really cocky with me and talking to me like i was carrying of over nothing. told me to relax. he reckons he had no coverage and forgot his phone charger? hmmm he didnt do that the week before actually in fact he did but he still managed to charge phone in the car. he was kind of laughing as i think he had a mate there, it didnt make me feel very confident. im now worried he has met someone else.
ja123 Posted April 16, 2013 Posted April 16, 2013 He doesn't seem that into you, I'm afraid. Anyhow, I think you could do much better, no? 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted April 18, 2013 Author Posted April 18, 2013 i dont think this guy could be into anyone right now. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted April 20, 2013 Author Posted April 20, 2013 ok finally heard back from him after 10 days with this text; we are 2 different ppl, i think we should call it quits before its gets into a situation where we're both going to say something that's going to disprespect each other. you are a nice person and by no means do i want to say anything bad about you or too you? i hope you understand. hmmm ok why would this guy have a need to say anything about me?
Author ozziegal8 Posted April 22, 2013 Author Posted April 22, 2013 hmmm ok why would this guy have a need to say anything about me? i phoned him up he said this all started cos of our disagreement on the sunday night he said he feel uncomfortable around me? i.e. cos i dont like him to talking negative about relationships etc i think most woman wouldnt like it? i said there is a sex issue he said no there isnt, he just doesnt feel any connection with me cos i make him feel uncomfortable? i said but we have never had proper sex? could this be true thats the reason why he couldnt do it properly cos of no connection? i dont get it as why would he always be all over me and affectionate, kissing hugging etc? helping me move house?
snowflakes88 Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 He told you he isn't interested. Why doesn't matter. Just try to move on. 1
charlietheginger Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Im 35 divorced 2 yrs. Ill never remarry Ill never live with another woman Ill never trust another woman 100% I like women but just dont want to be emotionally attached This might change later. just how it is. I know if i remarry it will be great at first then comes The nagging bitching complaining moaning then in 7 10 Yrs ill come home to empty house empty bank account Just like my last marriage ended.
dreamingoftigers Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 Im 35 divorced 2 yrs. Ill never remarry Ill never live with another woman Ill never trust another woman 100% I like women but just dont want to be emotionally attached This might change later. just how it is. I know if i remarry it will be great at first then comes The nagging bitching complaining moaning then in 7 10 Yrs ill come home to empty house empty bank account Just like my last marriage ended. If this marriage ends, I'll never remarry either. Risks do not equal the rewards. Ozziegal, seriously, quit finding the most screwed-up emotionally abusive OR pathetically passive guys EVER to date. And get your bike back. Jeez. Don't look for a "fixer-upper" that just needs a "little of this" or an ear to listen or a girlfriend to hide from his wife. Jeez. I've been on here years too. Screen better before heading to bed with these jokers. Get them to chase you. Stop putting all of the work in.
carhill Posted April 23, 2013 Posted April 23, 2013 OP, some people just go whacko when confronting elemental intimacy. That's the best possible scenario, IMO. I can think of plenty of others, much less savory. The good news is that he proactively self-terminated. When women do that to me, and plenty have, I view it as a gift. New moments of life await. Listening to stories like yours have me feeling thankful for post-divorce celibacy and reflection. Anger and hurt is processed and without negative reinforcement from failed interim 'band-aid' relationships. There are risks when dating a divorced man, or woman, perhaps of a different sort than risks dating an never-married person, but all relationships come with risk. Hopefully, you'll take a risk in the future and try again after reflecting upon the lessons learned in this experience. BTW, men can be caring and affectionate when they want sex, just like women can when they want emotional support and intimacy. The key aspect is how they behave once what they want arrives and how they treat the person who has given those valuable gifts to them. Good luck. 1
Author ozziegal8 Posted April 23, 2013 Author Posted April 23, 2013 OP, some people just go whacko when confronting elemental intimacy. That's the best possible scenario, IMO. I can think of plenty of others, much less savory. The good news is that he proactively self-terminated. When women do that to me, and plenty have, I view it as a gift. New moments of life await. Listening to stories like yours have me feeling thankful for post-divorce celibacy and reflection. Anger and hurt is processed and without negative reinforcement from failed interim 'band-aid' relationships. There are risks when dating a divorced man, or woman, perhaps of a different sort than risks dating an never-married person, but all relationships come with risk. Hopefully, you'll take a risk in the future and try again after reflecting upon the lessons learned in this experience. BTW, men can be caring and affectionate when they want sex, just like women can when they want emotional support and intimacy. The key aspect is how they behave once what they want arrives and how they treat the person who has given those valuable gifts to them. Good luck. thankyou carhill, but what is elemental intimacy? i also dont understand your last paragraph? the guy was caring and affectionate but when it came to sex couldnt do it? is he reasoning that there was no connection true? if so why did he keep seeing me and helping me move making plans and being all over me a lot keep happening? it wasnt until i confronted him about the sex that things changed? i also dont know why he waited 14 days to text me to tell all this? he left me suffering for that long and i even called him where he could have told me this on on the phone, still made plans and waited another 4 days to tell me.?
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