elisee8d Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I wasn't exactly sure where to post this question, but I'm having a bit of a dilemma. A little backstory - I was with my ex for two years, his mother and I became pretty close. She always used to tell me she loved me and that I was like a daughter to her. When my ex and I broke up 7 months ago, I was distraught and she let me come over to talk to her about it. She thought my ex and I would get back together, as did I, and it never happened. I left her house that day with her telling me she hoped to see me again soon. 4 months went by, and I texted her on new years eve after the ball dropped to wish her and the family a happy new year, because I know they always have a big celebration at a family member's house. She called me after receiving the text, saying how sweet it was and that she had to call me after seeing that, told me how much she missed me and that like I was like a daughter to her, said she felt like crying and she hoped she could see me again one day, after which I told her maybe we could go out to lunch if that would be alright with my ex, and she said she would call me etc etc.. 2 months go by, and in march I got a call from her that I missed. I called back about an hour later, she didn't answer, so I left a voicemail saying I got her call and to give me a call back when she got the chance, which she never did. I'm not sure if she called me on accident or what, but she always used to leave me a voicemail when she would call. ANYWAYS! Fast forward to now, I'm debating whether or not I should order something from 1-800-flowers to have delivered to her on mother's day. If we had ever gone out to lunch or something, or if she called me back, even if just to say it was an accident, I absolutely would send them. I just feel a little weird that we haven't been in contact, that maybe she called me on accident last month then got my voicemail and didn't want to speak to me which is why she didn't call back? I feel like sending flowers out of the blue would be weird. I haven't spoken to anyone else in the family or my ex since the break up. I can't even predict what the whole family's reaction would be, I'm sure his mom would think it was sweet, but would it would come across as sweet AND creepy? Maybe just a text on the day would suffice? I'm sure I could be reading too much into this, but I'd really just appreciate some opinions! Thanks guys.
ja123 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 It sounds like you two were close. And it's really sad when a break-up means that you might lose your extended family. I think, though, that you'd be putting her in an akward position by remaining in touch. She's your ex-BF's mother, so she's going to have to side with him, I'm afraid, even if she'd wish that you remain in her life. The voice message you left her, was it on her personal phone or the family phone? If if was the latter, then it is possible that she didn't get the message; but, if it was the former, then she's not contacting you, most probably, out of a mother's loyalty to her son. He could be dating someone else now, and things could become awkward. I know it sucks losing her. But I wouldn't send the flowers. I wouldn't contact her even. Sad, isn't it? 1
RachR Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) I wouldn't send her flowers. I think the staying in touch (to an extent) with the ex's parents thing only works and makes sense if you were together long term and/or married, say like 10 years. Or if the couple had kids. Or if the families were family friends before then. Edited April 10, 2013 by RachR
Author elisee8d Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Not sure if this information changes anything, but my ex actually works with my mom. I got him a job while we were dating, so he's constantly around her, as well as my family who go in and out of there for various reasons concerning my mom... he speaks with all of them and talks to my mom about stuff going on with his family, and my mom actually sees his mother when she comes in every so often and they say hello and all that. I also don't believe that he's dating anyone new, but I guess you guys are right... it would put her in an awkward position having to speak to me if she didn't want to. She was ecstatic that I called on New Years though and was super happy to hear from me, so considering that, do you all still think even a text saying something along the lines of wishing her a happy mother's day would be too much? I almost feel rude not doing so... The voicemail was left on her cell, and I have moved on, I actually have a new boyfriend, who's ex is still in contact with HIS mother and they were only together for a little over a year, she'll probably text his mom to say happy mother's day, actually. My ex was my first serious relationship, so I really have no idea how all of this should go. Thank you all for your input!
CC12 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I think sending anyone other than your mother a gift on Mother's Day is pretty weird. Even just saying "Happy Mother's Day" would be kinda weird. I feel like I may have heard before that other regions/cultures treat Mother's Day differently, though, so maybe for you it would be fine? Like, if your sister has a kid, do you do anything for her on Mother's Day? I don't know. If nothing else, it would imply a closeness that I don't think you have with your ex's mother. Why don't you just give her a call sometime, on a random day, just to say hi.
AwptiK Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Sorry, but I agree with everyone else here. It sucks, but losing the friends/relationships you made through a previous relationship, is just part of everything being over. I've always built good relationships with others who were close to my exes, but I haven't kept in touch with any of them after a breakup. What really got me, is my previous ex is a single mother. Her 2 year old stole my heart as much as she did. Fact is: her daughter, her mom, her sister...common theme? HER's.
SuperGeek Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 When the relationship with my ex wife ended, I lost probably 40 great relationships on her side of the family. I had to give up sending them all birthday gifts, flowers, christmas presents, all of it. Breakups are very difficult in that you don't just lose your spouse, but all of the relationships that get established with them by joining families. It can be really really really hard dealing with all those losses at once. Be strong and do not send the flowers. Do not contact your spouse or any of her family. It is called a 'break-up' for a reason. I know it sucks and I know it hurts. Eventually as time passes you will learn to accept it and become indifferent about it. SuperGeek 2
Sugarkane Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I wouldn't bother. Would dumpers do the same for your family? No! People take sides with their own friends and family. It will make you look desperate. It is more weird if you weren't married or had kids together.
HumptyDumpty Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I just feel a little weird that we haven't been in contact, that maybe she called me on accident last month then got my voicemail and didn't want to speak to me which is why she didn't call back? This. I could understand it if you still were very close and in regular contact! However, this call-thingy is just weird. You left her a message and she never replied... I mean, this means, that she either died, her voicemailbox dissappeared in the néant, or she chose not to reply for several reasons. Thing is that it's over between you and your ex and I'd be pretty f'd up if my parents keep in regular contact with my "nice" ex, I'd clearly tell them to either not bother me and keep in contact or start to like my future boyfriends! The latter is the most reasonable choice I think. So, to get back to your question: I'd say no. Huge nono! I find it just comes across desperate! Your ex won't see this friendly gesture sadly because he's your ex and does not want to get back with you and might just have someone new by now who is eating with them on mother's day. Find someone who might appreciate your flowers and your gesture for what is it- friendly, instead Good luck 1
Author elisee8d Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) I think sending anyone other than your mother a gift on Mother's Day is pretty weird. Even just saying "Happy Mother's Day" would be kinda weird. I feel like I may have heard before that other regions/cultures treat Mother's Day differently, though, so maybe for you it would be fine? Like, if your sister has a kid, do you do anything for her on Mother's Day? I don't know. If nothing else, it would imply a closeness that I don't think you have with your ex's mother. Why don't you just give her a call sometime, on a random day, just to say hi. Yes, my sister has kids and I usually get her flowers for mother's day, my other sisters bring her flowers as well as for my mom. I also got my ex's mom flowers for mother's day last year, he wasn't my ex then obviously, but anyways, I was pretty close with her and thought it would be a nice thing to do. I don't find it weird to get flowers for others who aren't your own mother, besides now when these are the circumstances. If we were still together I would have gotten them for her. As far as saying happy mother's day goes, it might just be a cultural difference we have, I would say it to any moms I came in contact with - like friend's mothers, aunts, whoever! Hmm.. then again I guess that makes sense... "CAME IN CONTACT WITH" instead of going out of my way to say it. My sister always got flowers for parent's of ex boyfriends who she remained close with and they always loved it, but I'm not sure how in contact they were after the break up... Anyways, the overwhelming response of "no" from everyone has put this into perspective, it does seem to come off a bit desperate I suppose and I would hate for her to feel forced to talk to me because I sprung this upon her. I like the way you put the part about implying a closeness which we no longer have. It is sad, and I think I'm pretty indifferent about everything... just weird figuring out what to do the first time being out of contact with people I otherwise would have done something for. Glad I posted here before doing anything! Thanks a bunch Edited April 10, 2013 by elisee8d
Sugarkane Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 The ex will probably use it to paint you black even more.
carhill Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Sending the ex's mom flowers for mother's day... yes or no? I admire your sentiments but my vote is no.
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