Morr Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hi I'm new to these boards, and to the whole issue of divorce... My story in a nutshell: Been married for 6 years... Got two young kids... Around the time I was pregnant with #2, things began falling apart... Intimacy died, lots of resentment and arguing. He has been out of a job for nearly 4 years.. I work full time, but don't make enough to cover the bills.. I am not in love with him anymore, very resentful and tired of the situation.. Kinda have been sticking around just for the kids hoping things will work out.. But that hasn't been the case.. In one of our arguments, I was told I'm a bad mom who brings only a paycheck, whereas he gives the kids everything else they need.. He says I'm selfish for needing time alone when I get home, for not spending enough time with the kids (as he sees fit), and also being 15lbs overweight than when he first met me (all due to pregnancies). In December I told him I wanted to separate. He agreed. But since he has no income, he stayed in the house with me (my parents own the house we live in). I had planned a trip to see an old close friend of mine across the country. This person also happens to be my ex. We remain good friends to this day, and I needed a break from the stress, so I took 5 days to go see him and hang out, try to relax. I admit, I lied to my [soon to be ex] husband about who I was going to see. Simply bc I didn't feel like dealing with the drama, and bc honestly - we're separated, so I don't owe you an explination... Well, 2 days before I left, he found out the truth and everything exploded. I told him I wanted a divorce. He agreed but said he won't consent until he has a steady secure income due to custody of the kids.. While I was away, he was acting like a jackass. Part of the time he wouldn't let me talk to the kids on the phone; we had a screaming match, he basically accused me of sleeping around. Told me that the best thing I can do for the kids is leave and not come back. My ex and I? We are close friends, we have a history, and an unusual connection. But there is no romantic involvement whatsoever. We did sleep together when I saw him, but I consider myself separate from my husband, and on the road to divorce. Unfortunately, in my state there is no legal separation. So I presume my husband has the opportunity to seek an at fault divorce on grounds of Adultery, though I'm not sure how difficult it would be for him to prove it. Though I can guarentee you, it was not adultery that broke up the marriage.. Marriage has been dead for years. Today I called up a lawyer, and have my initial consultation on Thursday. I feel super stuck, since my husband has no income, no family or friends, nowhere to go. I am very very ready to move on with my life. A bit depressed, and I guess going through the normal ups and downs and emotional stress of a divorce and an uncertain future. Any advice would be great. Thank you.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 We did sleep together when I saw him, but I consider myself separate from my husband, and on the road to divorce. Definitely a mistake and an unnecessary complication to an already complicated situation. You may consider yourself "separate" but you're still married. You've got a lot on your plate and your focus should be on transitioning with your kids. Time for other stuff when you're free and clear. I'd table your worries and just get through the next 48 hours until you meet with your lawyer. Prepare a list of questions and scenarios to be discussed. Most of your concerns can be easily answered... Mr. Lucky
2sunny Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 To go and sleep with an ex before your divorce is final is just so.... Not nice. You want a divorce - file for it! And keep your legs together until its finalized! Spend that time with your kids - they need you. 2
Author Morr Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 Oh believe me, I know it was not a smart move. And a selfish one at that. 1
2sunny Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Oh believe me, I know it was not a smart move. And a selfish one at that. Have you filed for divorce yet? I find it amazing that your response gave very little new info! Are you still in contact with the ex from far away?
Author Morr Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 I'm seeing a lawyer tomorrow. Yes. We talk. He is a close friend.
2sunny Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Is there a reason why your H hasn't worked for 4 years? Not working for that long is on purpose. I'd bet it's hard to respect any man who's not working while his wife works herself to death. 1
Author Morr Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 That's a very good question! I think at some point he gave up, and decided that the only way he will bring income is through writing.... I'm done waiting. It was the first thing that started tearing the marriage apart.. I became more stressed, resentful, and distant from him; and the more stressed I was with work and money problems, the more I just wanted to be alone and relax once I got home.. Which he didn't like bc he claimed I wasn't paying enough attention or spending enough time with my kids. Which is BS... I didn't spend AS MUCH time as he did (hi, he is home all day), but the kids love me. They are not resentful or distant from me in any way, and they know I love them. On top of that, back when I TRIED to sort through this mess, and fix things, he told me it "would be helpful if I got fit"... I am probably sporting about 15lbs more than I should.. For having 2 young kids (the younger a c-section) - I look GREAT.. So that was a big downer on me. It only added to my resentment. He is not the poster boy for health and fitness, lets just say that! At this point, I'm not even interested in counseling. I just want to be done with him romantically. We have 2 kids, so we will always be connected, I don't mind working together with him as parents, but otherwise - I'm done! I think he didn't realize my heart was out for good until recently.
2sure Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I'm not sure which states are "at fault" states , and of those, which accept adultery as fault? I'm in NY.
2sunny Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 If you're done - get the D finalized. Don't date until its final. And quit flirting with the other guy - it's not fair to him since you're still married. On a side note - but relevant - how would you have expected to "feel connected" to your H when you were spending time and energy focused on this OM? Of course the "fantasy man" will always look easier compared to living life struggles with a partner every day...
Author Morr Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 In my state there is at fault divorce. I'all be speaking to a lawyer about it all... The other guy is just a close friend, but ill be keeping some distance from him for a while. Its all actually effecting our friendship. Thanks for the comments. I know I needed some bitch slaps.
2sunny Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 In my state there is at fault divorce. I'all be speaking to a lawyer about it all... The other guy is just a close friend, but ill be keeping some distance from him for a while. Its all actually effecting our friendship. Thanks for the comments. I know I needed some bitch slaps. You had sex with the other guy right? You gave your H ammunition for the D papers. Add to that - that he doesn't earn money - you will end up paying for him to not work. Proper order is key. It wasn't smart to see any man until the D is finalized. Know you will pay the penalty for that.
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