hockeyfan09 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hello. So long story short.. I was the "other man" and ended up dating my affair partner. Things ended very badly for her relationship, and as a result there was some hesitation early on in our dating. One particular issue was her good male friend/ brother in law, who also happened to be best friends with her ex boyfriend. Now this brother in law decided to pick sides, and he didn't pick hers. He suggested that he would never be okay with us dating and never wanted anything to do with me. He even went as far to call her a slut, and much worse things about me. This put her in a tough position and led to some serious fights on our end as my gf would want to go out to friend get together's and would tell me that I was not allowed to come because it might upset her friend. It also upset me that he would continuously say horrible things about me, wouldn't meet me.. and was very much telling her to end things. After one of our arguments ( I didn't like the fact that I felt disrespected that I was not allowed to attend things out of fear that he would be upset and thought my own gf should consider my feelings as well)... she told this friend that he had to accept that she was an adult and could make her own choices. He needed to accept things and make an attempt to actually meet me and give me a fair chance. If he was ready to meet us both, she'd gladly get together. Fast forward to him disappearing for 4 months and he is back. Complaining that they use to be best friends, and now they never do anything together or never talk. He wants to go back to their weekly dinner dates/ hang outs... without me again. ........................... Now this puts me in a precarious position. I never considered myself a controlling boyfriend and I would never tell anyone who they can and can not hang out with.. but this situation upsets me as it seems to be a no win situation. If I ignore it.. then I have to deal with this split between my girlfriend and I... ie she has a group of friends that Im not allowed to associate with and who constantly make her feel guilty for what happened. They also disrespect me. If I tell her i'm uncomfortable with the negative influence in our life, always making us both feel guilty of our relationship... then I am controlling and make her end a friendship. When we talked about this last week and I said I didn't like his attitude she accused me of not wanting her to have any friends. Right now I've backed away and let her decide how to handle things... but I've asked for advice from several friends and was told everything from.. set up my own private dates with female friends, to tell her that I'm okay with her having friends but I'm looking towards the long term and am not cool with negative people causing problems. not sure what is right.
Author hockeyfan09 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 They aren't negative people causing problems, they are honest people who are expressing they don't want to make friends with someone immoral enough to cheat. You played, now you pay. Don't expect people to cheer lead your crap choices. The only thing that confounds me is these people still hang out with your gf, that is hypocritical. Frankly, I would cut off BOTH cheats, no need to have folks like that in my life. The fact it is males only cutting off YOU and not her tells me they don't want a playboy in their hen house who has already proved he doesn't respect relationship boundaries. Can you really blame them? If I was a guy I wouldn't want you near my chick either considering you already proved you have little honor. The only way out of this is to become a controlling dick (which will blow in your face eventually, because she's an "all about my fun" girl, that she proved with having no self control) or just to face the damn music. Admit to her friends when the conversation comes up you were both selfish pigs and understand why others don't trust you. I would tell you to throw in how you learned from the wreckage, but its clear you haven't, cause you are STILL blaming others instead of yourself which shôws you are no where near earning forgiveness yet. I don't feel good about the outcome of this situation, too many hypocrites for it to work.... this seriously made me laugh. All you have is insults and nothing productive to say? I didn't ask for some judgements.. i asked for opinions. So yes.. she had a bf when I met her. Not like I planned for everything to happen like it did. If you're not mature enough to handle a common real life situation please go post somewhere else. Again.. id like to hear good opinions on how to handle a real life situation,.
Poppy fields Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Why does she want to maintain a friendship with these negative people. They not only hate you, but they turn their hatred of the situation onto her. She is going to have to decide if being with you and dumping these people is more important to her than maintaining those friendships. At this point, for her own sanity, she can't have both. It's you or them, but she has to decide. She can't pick you both and then complain about the abuse she will have to endure in order to be in a relationship with you and also be their friends. Won't work.
Author hockeyfan09 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 It's probably not the best idea to get into a relationship with a girl that cheated on her bf with you. Wait til she gets bored and finds the next guy. I know.. but I've made my bed here. I'm committed so I have to do what ever it takes to make it work.
SmileFace Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I can't evan at the replies. Op this is her problem - let her decide how to handle this and let her decision be the choice for you to move on or not.
runningfar Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Hey now. he made a mistake, she made a mistake. They can't change it now. Back it off. I have an aunt who has been married for 35 very happy years who met quite the way. I'm sure more have that I don't know the backstory. It is not controlling to not want your girlfriend to be around someone bad mouthing you and the relationship. And who wants to be friends with someone who called you a slut? Does she even remember that? She set the rules for him to be in her life before. It included meeting you too. He should abide by them; as should she. That is respecting boundaries and you both need that to move forward.
Author hockeyfan09 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 You asked for the truth as people see it, and I gave it to you. What did you honestly expect? For everyone to pin a blue ribbon on your chest for cheating? For everyone to applaud and say: "now this is a guy I can trust!"? Get real: you violate boundaries, you get chastised. You tell me to get mature? I already have. I don't take a crap where everyone is sitting and then get mad they say it stinks. That's what you did: you entered a situation showing how you are willing to back stab and then you wonder why everyone has their eyes on you... You seriously are NOT going up fix this situation with people not trusting to you until you can in the LEAST own up to your behavior. Getting mad at them or me isn't going to help your life in ANY way... Who said I was mad at you or anyone else for that matter? I just dont understand why you are attacking me? I simply asked for advice on my situation... Not for your opinion of me. Good for you for not taking crap from anyone. Ill take that as your advice thank you.
sabre80 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 this seriously made me laugh. All you have is insults and nothing productive to say? I didn't ask for some judgements.. i asked for opinions. So yes.. she had a bf when I met her. Not like I planned for everything to happen like it did. If you're not mature enough to handle a common real life situation please go post somewhere else. Again.. id like to hear good opinions on how to handle a real life situation,. You asked for opinions you got hers. Sorry you feel 'disrespected'. Poor hockeyfan no one wants to associate with him. Calling posters here immature who won't abide by infidelity does not strengthen your case. I am mature enough to handle this real life situation. If you and your gf were my friends you would not be afterwards. I would rather have no friends than dishonorable ones. 2
BluEyeL Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 If you are a committed couple, she should cut back on the friends that reject you, unless they come around and accept you too. She can reason with them, explain that however your relationship started, you are now a couple and she wouldn't attend things without you. I suspect she might actually prefer to hangout without you, needs some "me time" away from the SO?? If she won't insist to include you in all get togethers and you care so much about that and still want to make your relationship work, I'd say the two of you just agree to limit her meetings with these people to perhaps once a month or so, if you're not invited. But otherwise, again, I think in general it's OK for the members of a couple to have separate friendships, but not for the reasons stated here, i.e. you want to be part of, but they reject you. When I was married, I sometimes felt the need to talk to a female friend (I'm female) without my husband around, but being excluded from a group of friends that include male close friends is not the same.
Author hockeyfan09 Posted April 10, 2013 Author Posted April 10, 2013 1) look at your first post to me and tell me how it does not convey anger/annoyance. its CLEAR you werent happy with my response. thats fine, no one is happy when someone points out how their immoral behavior contributed to their own misery. But eventually you have to get over that but thirty and recognize the truth of your contributions if you want to fix your situation. 2) dont take UNWARRANTED crap from people. The crap you are getting is rooted in a circumstance you were part author of. Refusing to own that only causes MORE crap from people. 3) have you asked your gf if the people in this scenario are angry because you cheated? Did you ask if they chastised her for the same thing they are judging you on? Have you asked her if that's why she's embarrassed to defend your relationship or you? When you can determine if its the problem it will be half solved... Its not that I was unhappy with your response... I just was more interested in hearing suggestions on how to deal with this situation. I've owned up to getting involved with a taken woman, but mistakes asside.... Ive been committed to moving things forward. Her family has all accepted me, as mine has accepted hers. My friends who knew the story told me to be careful but were supportive. Most of hers were as well, with exception of this one hold out. I have asked... And this friend is also friends with her ex boyfriend. He feels hes being a bad friend if her associates with me. Truthfully I get his reasons and understand it. I think she was embarassed.. But its been almost a year of dating.. So that has passed now So really my dilenma is how to handle this. The poster who said let her deal with it and decide what to do based on her actions might be right.
dasein Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 OP, try to ignore off-topic berating posts, that goes on here, just a fact of relationship forums. To the topic, especially after the fade and reappear, it is time for this dynamic to stop, and it's up to your GF to lay down the law on it. Either the friend accepts you, accepts your relationship, and her choices, or he has to go. You don't even know how much damage this guy is doing undermining you behind your back. When people get into exclusive relationships, all fake "backburner romantic interest" friends and "hostile to the relationship" friends have to go. The end. It's really that simple or the person who is insisting on maintaining those isn't ready for an exclusive, adult relationship. Now as to how to handle it, avoid the apperance of an ultimatum, even though it technically is. Have no agitation, anger, sarcasm, snidery, none at all, just be matter of fact. Resist "blaming" language and state facts. "The situation with X isn't working for me." "I feel X is disrespectful to you, me and our relationship, and it's overdue that that disrespect ended. It has to end." "I have been patient with this situation, and feel that now, when he is seeking to come into your life again, is a good time to address it once and for all." "If you want to continue this friendship, I will expect to be involved, and will expect X to show signs of accepting and becoming a friend of our relationship. If he refuses to do that, I expect you to sever ties with him." Deflect rationalizations, blameshifting, labelling by ignoring it entirely and repeating the above themes. If she is a reasonable, mature adult, they will sink in, and she will take steps to satisfy your reasonable wishes on this.
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