Why continue to stalk?

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am in agreement with much that has been said here. As an xOW (and a BS), I can see this pretty well from both sides. It has been a very short time for you, so she is definitely hurting (probably from what she believed to be truth from him and ended up being lies) and mourning the loss of this relationship.

 

As far as the social media, I think it's kind of "normal" to want to keep up and get some idea of how you and your husband are doing. Are you happy, etc? What I think is funny about FB is that it is so narcissistic. People put up what they want you to see. I finally got tired of the games and I deleted my FB page two years ago. I hate to say it, but maybe you should do the same? At least for a time. Try to remove as much as you can from the internet. Linkedin is a different situation. I struggle with this one as well (and have had many conversations about this on the site itself) - you can't block anyone from viewing your profile and the worst part is that they can make themselves anonymous as well. This has no place on a business website. But, I can always tell when something is up because I get anonymous views and my bet is it's from my xOW BS or him specifically.

 

I think it's really strange that she's leaving messages (music). I can tell you that is something I would never stoop myself to. I would be so embarrassed. So in my mind it's one of two things:

 

1) Either she is really is struggling with the ending of this relationship and it's kind of pushed her to the edge mentally.

 

2) Someone else is doing it?

 

I can tell you for certain that there was a time right after our final D-Day that we were not in contact and then a period of time that we were until we went NC for now 3 years. Before we went no contact if we wanted to get in touch with the other person we would send anonymous texts to alert them we wanted them to call. Later, during one of the NC periods, my XOM was received a couple of anonymous texts (not from me). One was specifically related to a movie he had seen (he was telling me this AFTER the fact). It was a movie I had not even seen so I had no idea what he was talking about, but whoever sent him a text said in Gaelic "you're with the wrong person". And he got a few more like that. He swears no one else knew of the movie he watched. When I suggested it might have been coming from inside his house, he got a little irritated thinking I was possibly insinuating his own wife was doing it. Also right after D-Day he had a rock thrown through the back of his car while at a trivia night. He had expensive tools, ipod, etc in there and none of that was stolen.

 

Anyway, I am certainly not accusing you, Athens, of that at all, just bringing to light that somebody in this situation (possibly someone close to his BS) was doing this to shed a really bad light on me and although I made some bad mistakes throughout the entire thing, that was something I wasn't capable of doing.

 

People do strange things in emotional situations.

 

I guess my advice would be to just ignore it - it will probably die out on its own. But at the same time, I would keep as much record and evidence because if it does happen to escalate and get worse, you will have proof.

 

The other thing is, I think it might be helpful if your husband did talk to her (with you there). Maybe she really doesn't believe it's over? I know in my case I never got a NC letter, never an "it's over, don't ever contact me again". And my husband has never said that to his xOW. So, sometimes when there's no real finality, there appears to be a crack of hope. Just a thought.

 

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. What drama.

Edited April 10, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[Mimolicious]

Thanks for the response, have to agree...who wants an angry call....as far as blocking, she works at a bank and I can not block 800 numbers on my cell. Social media, I locked down my FB, but can not figure out how to lock down Pinterest or LinkedIn....she likes my pins and resins them, she checks my husbands LinkedIn regularly so she shows us on his activity log. This is the oddest one....calls our cells with a restricted number and plays country music with lyrics I guess are suppose to mean something on our voicemails...it's all so odd...just wondering when it will stop or if there is anything that can be done to make it stop. I feel like legal action just prolongs contact and makes drama, but who knows.....

 

 

Call her husband and then her manager- In that order.

 

Sorry if am coming across as a biotch but for the oldies here (not sure who is still around) don't wait till the nutjob assaults you and authorities, legal case, lawyers and restraining orders have to be involved. Been there done that. Someone this "stalker'ish" irks the crap out of me.

 

Put a stop to it or at least try. Nothing guarantees that she will back-off and learn her lesson. Good luck!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

He's still in her head. I don't know how long they were together, how long it's been etc.

First, he's lying if he says he doesn't know what the songs mean. Either they are break up songs or broken heart songs which would be obvious or the songs have meaning to the two of them.

You can't lock down pinterest or linked in. There's no way.

You CAN disable your acct and start new ones but that's a pita for linked in. Pinterest is pretty easy to just get new pins. Don't deactivate your old acct, get a new acct go pin all your old pins then delete the old acct.

Maybe a little time consuming but not hard.

 

He may be lying. Canuk is 100% right about that.

I already know in the event of a dday exactly what the nc letter will say if he gets to compose it himself. If he doesn't he's signing his name a specific way as a reminder that he loves me and that I shouldn't believe a word of it.

I also know that if he calls me and says any of those things that she's listening or within hearing and that I will just let him talk, tell him I love him and hang up.

He could be playing into what you want. I don't want to say he is...but it's possible.

Or she just honestly can't let go.

 

I'd listen to what the songs say and ask him for an explanation. That's your clue to her motivation. If she's flipped out over losing him it may go on for a while.

 

This is very good advice as well. My xMM and I communicated through song lyrics a lot (that was really our biggest connection), so over the past few years if I saw a link to a song (even if it was just an instrumental), I knew EXACTLY what that meant even though it's been 3 years of silence (ie, phone, email, txt, etc). But after awhile you get to the point of "what's the sense in this?" because what good does it do to know that the xMM still loves you? He's making a choice.

[Mimolicious]

Your situation may be different from mine, I just know that some mm will tell the wife what she needs to hear so she stays and those same men may be telling the ow what she needs to hear to keep her in his life as well. I'm not suggesting your husband isn't truly remorseful and is trying to save the marriage. Next time he wants to call her to blast her please allow him to just make sure you sit silently on the line so you know exactly how she responds. Listening to just his end of the conversation may not be accurate. Also, he could blast her on the phone and then the next day call her and say he's sorry and he didn't mean it but he was just trying to throw you off the trail to protect her. Number one rule to remember, cheaters are amazing liars and some lead double lives for years and years. Mines been doing it for over 7 years and I know of others that have done it for 20 plus years.

 

:confused:Sheesh... are you dating my exH??????? LMAO! You described him to the T. This is exactly what he used to do. You ain't kidding. SMH... unreal!

[Mimolicious]

This is very good advice as well. My xMM and I communicated through song lyrics a lot (that was really our biggest connection), so over the past few years if I saw a link to a song (even if it was just an instrumental), I knew EXACTLY what that meant even though it's been 3 years of silence (ie, phone, email, txt, etc). But after awhile you get to the point of "what's the sense in this?" because what good does it do to know that the xMM still loves you? He's making a choice.

 

 

Isn't it unbelievable the energy that people put into cheating and having affairs?! If we were to as much energy & passion into all other aspects and relationships, especially a monogamous one, it would be a peachy world. Some people do and also do yoga and all that stuff. LOL Let me slap myself back to reality.

[Summer Breeze]

Isn't it unbelievable the energy that people put into cheating and having affairs?! If we were to as much energy & passion into all other aspects and relationships, especially a monogamous one, it would be a peachy world. Some people do and also do yoga and all that stuff. LOL Let me slap myself back to reality.

 

I think that's the saddest thing of all to me. DMM and I did CC and there was one moment when it hit him like a bomb. If at some point he had done his best to sweep her off her feet again, gone that extra mile and not LET her ignore his pleas to figure things out then he probably would never have had the time to open up the next business avenue and consequently never come across me. They could still be M. We both cried for completely different reasons but with some help we got through it.

 

As far as stalkers. I couldn't be bothered. When something's done it's done. Even if I miss them like mad I go on my way and that's that. OP I think I'd be tempted to tell her employer so the calls would stop. I might even start answering them and recording them. Let it happen 3 or 4 weeks and go to the bank and ask why you keep getting all of these calls that are so obviously harassing. It's kind of a passive way of doing it but it would probably get the job done. I hope she'll stop. I hope you and your H are able to work past it and keep on the road to recovery.

[Summer Breeze]

I put exactly as much energy and passion into my affair as I would any other relationship. I am monogamous.

I do yoga too.

 

I cycle. Does that count?

[Summer Breeze]

I think I'd answer next time and say "Please stop. If you don't, I'm going to call your boss"

That might be enough and you won't have to expend the energy and if she doesn't then follow through.

 

I would probably do the same to be honest LFH. I never know how another poster feels about doing things so I tried to get the same effect without as much confrontation. I do think that's the route to go though.

[Mimolicious]

I think I'd answer next time and say "Please stop. If you don't, I'm going to call your boss"

That might be enough and you won't have to expend the energy and if she doesn't then follow through.

 

 

YES! Trust me, it can be done. If she reaches her immediate supervisor, they can check her outgoing calls and that is up to HR how to handle it next. Let's be for real... one thing is to get involved with someone's S but to mess with that person's livelihood (I know, contradicting) and sanity is a bit disturbing. Especially if the BS hasn't even started problems for the OP. I went through that. I had a car almost run me over, I was almost stabbed. For what? What did I do? Marry my "HS Sweetheart"? So not worth it.

[Athens]

All good advice and much appreciated. As I said before, I am pretty sure he is not in contact with her as the messages she leaves are begging him for contact. He wants to call her with me in the room to prove to me it ended just as he told her it would...that he never intended the leave me and if push came to shove its me, not her. Kind of sick in my mind that they had those conversations, but you know there is no rhyme or reason to these types of things. I guess she agreed to be in a relationship knowing what the outcome would be and now can not handle it, why people do that to themselves is beyond me. Even my husband has no explanation on why he did something he knew would hurt me so badly and possibly end our marriage, I guess that's what therapy is for, right? I suppose I was looking for the magic bullet to make the intrusions stop, but there are none. For now, I will do a combo of most of the above...go silent on social media, etc...not listen to voicemails I am pretty sure are from her, keep track of everything so I have it if need be and just wait it out a little longer. As far as the songs, I have asked about them and we listened to them and the only meaning I hear is longing...they are break up songs....ugh, I am in my forties, high school was a long time ago.

[Got it]

Athen, it sounds like a plan. Please be prepared that it may not stop any time soon. At some point just have a Plan B prepared in case you need it.

 

There are times the best defense is a good offense.

 

Good luck and I am sure we all wish you the best.

[georgia girl]

Not to be dramatic, but if it doesn't start winding down, I'd make sure your doors were locked on your house and car when you are away from them (even parked in your driveway). I'd also call her husband then her supervisor if it escalates any more.

 

The more desparate she gets, the more likely she will get more dramatic so prepare a bit for that.

 

Between you and your husband you should also draw a hard and fast line. If she crosses that, either to both of you or one of you, you pull the trigger and act as a unit. That gives you the cohesiveness to respond in a way that does no further damage.

 

She's just odd.

[whichwayisup]

Can anyone help me here. My husbands exOW continues to stalk us. Follows us on social media, calls, etc... This board is mainly anon so I am hoping for some real honesty here. I know it's difficult to be honest about something you may not be proud of, but I am looking for insight. Is she hoping he will get mad enough to contact her, is she trying to stay relevant, is she going over the deep end? I know people say if I out her to her husband, she will likely stop, but you know I have a hard time inflicting that type of hurt on someone I do not even know. Your thoughts?

 

Make all your social media private, including twitter, so one has to be in your list to follow you and your H.

 

If you don't tell her H, then get used to being stalked by her. Why should her husband be kept in the dark? She is actively searching for your H online, she calls, she bothers you both. I'm sure her husband would like to know what his wife is doing behind his back. This isn't about hurting him or her, it's about the truth! So if the truth hurts a bit, at least it's based on the truth, not anything else.

[doubled]

I have been going thru the same thing for about 3 years. The OW likes to post affair details or quotes and phrases putting me, my husband, and our marriage down on her my space page. She has called my house and calls his job and hangs up. She sends me messages on my fb page under fake accounts she creates to make sure I see what she posts. I get that she has major issues with the fact that she's stuck in the marriage she was never happy in and he stayed with me. The only way to stop it is close your social media accounts and change your numbers.

[AnotherRound]

Can anyone help me here. My husbands exOW continues to stalk us. Follows us on social media, calls, etc... This board is mainly anon so I am hoping for some real honesty here. I know it's difficult to be honest about something you may not be proud of, but I am looking for insight. Is she hoping he will get mad enough to contact her, is she trying to stay relevant, is she going over the deep end? I know people say if I out her to her husband, she will likely stop, but you know I have a hard time inflicting that type of hurt on someone I do not even know. Your thoughts?

 

I haven't read the whole thread yet, but honestly, nobody here can tell you what her mindset or goals are. We can guess, but that's it.

 

Imo, anyone that "stalks" someone is emotionally unhealthy. I mean, especially if the person stalking has been told that the person they are interested in is not interested. I used to do that as a teenager - stalk, manipulate, etc. - most of us outgrow that and find better coping skills, a better way to self-soothe, more acceptance of things out of our control. Some don't... they kind of get "stuck".

 

If you are seriously being stalked, there are legal resources for that. Keep EVERYTHING. Any communication - and depending on what state you live in, you may be able to record conversations (if there are any) and use those as evidence too.

 

If your H has told the FOW that he is not interested and you two are trying to reconcile - then I would consider the FOW unstable. However, I would also verify that this is the truth, as some WSs seem to go underground (from what I've read on here). If it is the truth - then the FOW has no right to "stalk" you in any way. She is crossing your personal safety boundaries and that is not okay - no matter if she is hurt, angry, frustrated - whatever.

 

People who try to place themselves in someone else's life like that when they are not wanted are usually not stable emotionally. I would collect evidence, press charges, get a RO and continue doing so until she gets the picture or ends up in jail or the hospital. It sucks you have to do these things, but some people just don't get it.

[So happy together]

I was accused of calling my boyfriend's stbxw at work... I didn't even know where she worked. It was not me. I can't even remember what she told my boyfriend the caller said now, but thankfully my boyfriend believed me.

 

Then I began to wonder who knew about us (this was during the affair phase), and what they could possibly be saying. Then, even more I wondered what their stake in the relationship was. Just a really weird thing.

 

I got a little worried not because someone called her work, she could have been making it up. But because if someone was, they knew more about me than I wanted them to know.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I have been going thru the same thing for about 3 years. The OW likes to post affair details or quotes and phrases putting me, my husband, and our marriage down on her my space page. She has called my house and calls his job and hangs up. She sends me messages on my fb page under fake accounts she creates to make sure I see what she posts. I get that she has major issues with the fact that she's stuck in the marriage she was never happy in and he stayed with me. The only way to stop it is close your social media accounts and change your numbers.

 

This is really weird. I don't understand this at all. She puts all of this on a public page and you know it's her??

 

Also, if she is doing this through social media (FB) you need to keep track of the messages - print them all out - then do something about it to stop her.

[So happy together]

I just want to state that I was OW. I would never stalk someone like this. If one party ends things, it's over. The fact that she is still doing these things is a little creepy, even if she feels she's just trying to 'get him back' or 'stay in his life'.

 

It is my opinion that if it doesn't stop soon you need to take action. Sorry this is happening to you.