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How would you react if you found out you were not the only OW/OM?

threelaurels

By threelaurels
in The Other Man / Woman

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threelaurels Established Member

threelaurels

Posted
Posted

This is just a hypothetical situation. I realize it does not apply to most, if any, of you.

 

How would you react if you found out your MM/MW was seeing someone else in addition to you and their spouse?

 

How would you feel about the whole situation?

 

Would you leave, or would you stay and try to work it out?

 

If you choose to stay, would you demand NC with the other OW/OM?

neveragain34 Established Member

neveragain34

Posted
Posted
This is just a hypothetical situation. I realize it does not apply to most, if any, of you.

 

How would you react if you found out your MM/MW was seeing someone else in addition to you and their spouse?

 

How would you feel about the whole situation?

 

Would you leave, or would you stay and try to work it out?

 

If you choose to stay, would you demand NC with the other OW/OM?

 

This did kind of happen to me and I left. If you gave him an ultimatum to drop contact with the OW, how could you really believe he ended it? If he is lying to his wife, he would lie to you as well. You'd drive yourself even crazier than you already have just dealing with the thoughts of the wife. He could easily tell you he has a wife obligation one night and be with the OW.

 

Hypothetically, you should dump him.

  • Like 3
Silly_Girl Established Member

Silly_Girl

Posted
Posted
I would leave because it would be lies and breaking of the promises he made to me. That was never part of our agreemeent.

If he insists on lying to his wife, that's his business, but I have never accepted him lying to me.

 

I would walk away because I know that I would never be able to forgive him and while I would miss him, I'd know that I wouldn't be willing to work on things because I wouldn't be able to get past it.

 

Back in the day, exactly what you said!

Praying4Peace Established Member

Praying4Peace

Posted
Posted

I'd think he was disgusting and damaged and I'd be done.

  • Like 2
veryhappy Established Member

veryhappy

Posted
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Work what out? Being the forth wheel? If I insisted on being an OW, I'd at least go looking to be the one and only. You know...the one who's his first thought in the morning.

 

It all depends on what kind of A it is. For the kind I wanted, very emotionally involved, that was a no on either side. This puzzles BS, but when you are in love there's no space to fall in love with a new other person. If things are mostly physical and very casual, I suppose it's all about how many people someone can juggle, and if the AP can live with that.

  • Like 1
Poppy fields Established Member

Poppy fields

Posted
Posted

When I was an OW I would have not been too surprised if he was playing around on the side. I knew he cared about me, but I had no illusions that I was special enough for him to change his lifestyle for me. I assumed that lifestyle involved going out and at the very least chatting up other ladies. Did I like it? No, but I was ''in love" and nothing could convince me we were not special together. Until his wife found out that is.

  • Like 5
ThatJustHappened Established Member

ThatJustHappened

Posted
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I'd think he was disgusting and damaged and I'd be done.

 

So he's disgusting and damaged for sleeping with another OW outside of his marriage, but not for sleeping with you outside of his marriage? How do you figure that? Is your vagina magical or something?

  • Like 13
canuckprincess Established Member

canuckprincess

Posted
Posted
This is just a hypothetical situation. I realize it does not apply to most, if any, of you.

 

How would you react if you found out your MM/MW was seeing someone else in addition to you and their spouse?

 

How would you feel about the whole situation?

 

Would you leave, or would you stay and try to work it out?

 

If you choose to stay, would you demand NC with the other OW/OM?

 

 

Not that I think my mm would have yet another woman, but if he could handle more woman what he has then all the power to him lol. All kidding aside I know I'm more then enough woman for him.

psm04 Established Member

psm04

Posted
Posted

In my specific A situation, which was very emotionally intense, and my xOMM was very jealous of other males, if I had found out that he was messing around with someone else, I'd have walked away without a single word. Sometimes, silence says it all better than words.

 

Yes, I realize that it is ironic, considering both of us are married (the A is over), but it would still be a breach of trust between he and I if this situation were to happen.

PurpleGal Member

PurpleGal

Posted
Posted
I would leave because it would be lies and breaking of the promises he made to me. That was never part of our agreemeent.

If he insists on lying to his wife, that's his business, but I have never accepted him lying to me.

 

I would walk away because I know that I would never be able to forgive him and while I would miss him, I'd know that I wouldn't be willing to work on things because I wouldn't be able to get past it.

 

Yep. He could be lying about not sleeping with his wife. He could be lying about loving me. But without evidence of this, I'm choosing to believe him. I wouldn't tolerate his lying to me if I discovered it. There's also the STD factor, as he and I are monogamous.

 

As LFH said, him lying to me is not part of our agreement. When I started the affair, I was still living with my husband. I lied left and right to see MM. I didn't enjoy it, but it was necessary to continue the relationship. I didn't, however, lie to MM. As much as some don't want to believe it, not all people who lie to their spouse also lie to their OP. They're discrete relationships.

  • Like 2
2sure Established Member

2sure

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When I received the results of my xH STD test I had to use GROUP email to forward them to OWomen. two surprises in one I guess.

  • Like 13
psm04 Established Member

psm04

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I say this with great curiosity. Why do some cheaters demand fidelity? Why are they indignant and hurt when they are on the receiving side?

 

That is why I said that it was ironic. I don't know why. That is part of being a human, I guess. I'm not perfect. I didn't say that I demanded fidelity. All I said was, if it turned out that my xOMM was also seeing another woman who wasn't his wife, I wouldn't be a part of it. Especially since he was always jealous of me talking to other males, and of my male friends. It might have been different if the whole A was very easy going and based solely on the physical stuff. He demanded explanations from me when I talked with other guys, so it would have been very hypocritical of him to be messing around with another woman at the same time.

 

I'm only speaking in relation to my one and only experience :-)

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threelaurels Established Member

threelaurels

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Not that I think my mm would have yet another woman, but if he could handle more woman what he has then all the power to him lol. All kidding aside I know I'm more then enough woman for him.

 

If you are more than enough for him, I assume he has left his wife for you.

 

 

When I received the results of my xH STD test I had to use GROUP email to forward them to OWomen. two surprises in one I guess.

 

Were they aware that they were not the only ones?

  • Like 7
Lillyfree Established Member

Lillyfree

Posted
Posted

demanding fidelity in a situation based on infidelity is a huge mindf*ck.

 

maybe if i started the PA with him i would mind from the technical point of view - after all, we live in an age of cooties. and that's a big reason why i didn't have sex with him. the thought of sharing a penis with even one other person is off-putting. why would it matter if it's more than one? you're still sharing.

  • Like 5
spice4life Established Member

spice4life

Posted
Posted
This is just a hypothetical situation. I realize it does not apply to most, if any, of you.

 

How would you react if you found out your MM/MW was seeing someone else in addition to you and their spouse?

 

How would you feel about the whole situation?

 

Would you leave, or would you stay and try to work it out?

 

If you choose to stay, would you demand NC with the other OW/OM?

 

I would have absolutely without a single doubt LEFT immediately if I found that out. There would not have been any if ands or buts to be totally honest. An affair is hard enough dealing with one other person in the equation and to have to deal with two?...absolutely not!!!

stevie_23 Established Member

stevie_23

Posted
Posted

Wow. If I found out NOW that my ex-MM had been seeing OW as well as me during our 2 years together, I'd be crushed and I'd then view him as quite a sad human being who I am now lucky not to be with anymore.

 

If I'd found out while we were still together, I'd have been absolutely heartbroken and completely shocked. And I don't honestly think he'd have been able to tell me anything to justify or explain it that would enable me / us to 'work it out'. What's to work out? It's one thing to be married and not be in love his wife and to fall in love with me and want to be with me, but it's another thing entirely to be one of many OW. That would mean he either didn't love me, or that he was incapable of being a normal human being. And either way, what's the point of being with someone like that?

  • Like 1
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)
demanding fidelity in a situation based on infidelity is a huge mindf*ck.

 

maybe if i started the PA with him i would mind from the technical point of view - after all, we live in an age of cooties. and that's a big reason why i didn't have sex with him. the thought of sharing a penis with even one other person is off-putting. why would it matter if it's more than one? you're still sharing.

 

Ditto.

 

I understand why people want it....but the truth is, having such a want or expectation in the context of an A, is still a bit crazy.

 

I think our nature's rarely change, even though we're in twisted scenarios. It is often normal for people not to want to share their SO. In the context of an A, people make the sharing okay in many ways, one of which is by a narrative of specialness ex: they are doing something for this person their spouse isn't and are thus offering something needed and special, the only reason they are doing this is because they are inlove with them and if it wasn't for that they wouldn't be etc. If there is an OOW then one is not that special and you could have been any body, that hurts. This also ties into them accepting the spouse already being there as either some "roommate" or "inconvenience" or fine, even someone he cares about and sleeps with....but add the specialness narrative and it softens the idea of the spouse. However, adding a secret OOW is adding a new variable, less control, less specialness or the illusion of it and simply makes the person a cheater...which isn't too romantic. Likewise, my AP would be upset if I had some secret bf. The point at the end of the day is NO ONE, even cheaters, want to be lied to and bamboozled and given a reality that isn't true. Hence, I find it bizarre how one can admit to hating this for one's self but respect a partner who metes this out to another. I can't respect it. I would hate it if done to me, the MP would hate it if their AP was doing it to them, and that same MP would probably hate it too if their BS was out cheating too...yet somehow their lies to the BS can be excused?

 

I don't think the point is about whether or not every MP lies about everything or not. I think the point is that, being in an A, one is choosing a scenario that already calls into question someone's integrity. Maybe they do not lie to you. Not the point. The point is that, unlike some single person dating their bf/gf and expecting monogamy, as they have no evidence that it is otherwise, a person dating someone who is married and secretly sleeping with them has made themselves A LOT more questionable. This is just logical. As posters say though, they simply choose to believe this person. It's not for me to say if they should or should not. I think due suspicion should exist and trust should be given as earned. However, how a single person earns trust will be a lot more straightforward than a married person lying daily and showing themselves adept at double living. This is also logical.

 

If I plan to go into business and have 2 choices: a business partner who is transparent and who is on the up and up or one who is a good business partner but is swindling another. I'm sorry, my natural logical mind is going to say, you know what...even IF I decide, he won't do it to me, because we're a better business fit and he doesn't have to...I'd still be A LOT more aware that if anyone would swindle me, it would be him and not the other person. I would have been upset if my exAP was having an A with another OW. Who knows if he did? I dunno. But in the end, it would be one of those comedic ironies and it would not be hard to see how that could have happened. I don't think most people will have sympathy for the OW who is cheated on with an OOW. Most people will simply be like...well duh. It still hurts no doubt...but at the end of the day though, people won't respond to the betrayal of A partners in the same way they would the betrayal of a single couple who have no form of secret sharing going on by one or both parties and a third person. Too many cooks spoil the broth they say. One secret OW in a M is already too many cooks in a relationship LOL! But I guess for the OW, it doesn't seem that way until OOW is in the kitchen too.

Edited by MissBee
  • Like 8
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Your posts are always articulate, cover a breadth of perspectives and give much to contemplate. You are one of the best posters on this whole forum

 

:o

 

Thanks Atheist! I appreciate that :).

  • Like 1
spice4life Established Member

spice4life

Posted
Posted (edited)

MissBee, I love reading your posts as well. You always look at things from all sides and with such a nice common sense approach. Thanks for taken the time to so share your thought s so eloquently!

 

But, yes I do have a but on this one. Everything you said was spot on however, I'm standing by what I said in my other post...lol. I know in my head it's totally NOT logical and who knows, he may have had a ton of OW's for all I know, but having that boundary in my mind was the only thing I had any control over in the situation. It's like I had to have something in my court to feel any sense of dignity in a very undignified situation. Does that make sense? He held the cards when it came to the rules so having that boundary (and a few others) helped keep me as sane as I could possibly be in that situation. Even though the possiblilty that there were others was a lot higher than not. I never ever accused him of being with others because I felt I could believe him.

 

If I found there was an OOW I would have been furious and left immediately with no questions asked no matter how illogical it was. Absolutely no buts or ifs! I don't think of myself as crazy for thinking that way. I hated the whole idea of an affair and all that went with it, so it would have been one more thing heaped onto the pile. It's what helped keep me sane actually. :)

Edited by spice4life
Wellington Established Member

Wellington

Posted
Posted

I did catch mine. Long story. He said he only "chatted" with this OP as he felt we were not in the best of places. I chose to believe him at the time and we continued for another year, but yes, every time he became "unavailable" or had to take a day off here and there and couldn't be in contact it always made me think too much. You need to be a priority, not another option.

skywriter Established Member

skywriter

Posted
Posted (edited)
This is just a hypothetical situation. I realize it does not apply to most, if any, of you.

 

How would you react if you found out your MM/MW was seeing someone else in addition to you and their spouse?

 

How would you feel about the whole situation?

 

Would you leave, or would you stay and try to work it out?

 

If you choose to stay, would you demand NC with the other OW/OM?

 

I found out through a girl friend that didn't know I was involved with the MM that he was calling, flirting as well as other inappropriate things with her.

 

It was such a wake up wallop for me, and I felt like the karma bus ran over me, backed up and ran over me again.

 

As if I hadn't been on an emotional roller coaster throughout the A, then I had another emotional rller coaster to deal with.

 

It forced me to take him off the pedestal I chose to put him on. I had to admit this wasn't what I wanted to be involved in. I was digusted with myself and him.

 

This friend that told me what he was doing to her, also witnessed him making moves on another friend and shared that information.

 

I brought all this up to him and he denied it and avoided discussing it by making excuses, like, " I can't talk, I'm very busy", and so forth.

 

That was the last straw, it was over in my mind, and I never wanted to see or speak to him again. I brought all that grief on myself and taught myself a lesson about getting involved with MM.

 

On the subject of demands, I don't believe in making demands, even if I am the W. If you have to make demands, you don't have the necessary stability in the relationship anyway.

Edited by skywriter
  • Like 4
lifelesson101 Member

lifelesson101

Posted
Posted

The scenario you describe is more common than you think. :/

 

Most seasoned cheaters do have more than one woman on the string. They may not be sleeping with the other woman, but bet your bottom dollar they have their feelers out there.

 

It is called a contingent plan: When the wife finds out about you and the proverbial craps hits the fan - you get dumped. The dust settles and WH makes nice at home for awhile. When things calm down, WH picks up with one of the other women he has been flirting with. He probably wont go back to you because you are on the wife's radar now and she will be watching you (and him) like a hawk.

  • Like 2
KittyKat83 New Member

KittyKat83

Posted
Posted

Yup, I've had this happen to myself and it was certainly mixed emotions.

 

Mostly I was horrified at how stupid I had been to believe the lies 'he only had eyes for me' and that I was someway special. Maybe because he was actually in the process of divorcing while we were seeing each other - it made me feel it was somehow different.

 

The other side of the coin was the complete lack of honestly I was angry with. We have been very open about our marriages and state of play there. It was more than I wasn't aware he was 'shopping around' rather than the actual cheating that bothered me. I guess nobody likes to feel they've been played for a fool, and sometimes the pride hurts more than the realization.

 

It was like the ... "karma bus ran over me, backed up and ran over me again."

^perfect quote and analogy there for the situation. Ultimately I only had myself to blame, but at least learnt a lessonon what a shady person he really was.

  • Like 3
lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

Posted
Posted (edited)
Wow. If I found out NOW that my ex-MM had been seeing OW as well as me during our 2 years together, I'd be crushed and I'd then view him as quite a sad human being who I am now lucky not to be with anymore.

 

If I'd found out while we were still together, I'd have been absolutely heartbroken and completely shocked. And I don't honestly think he'd have been able to tell me anything to justify or explain it that would enable me / us to 'work it out'. What's to work out? It's one thing to be married and not be in love his wife and to fall in love with me and want to be with me, but it's another thing entirely to be one of many OW. That would mean he either didn't love me, or that he was incapable of being a normal human being. And either way, what's the point of being with someone like that?

 

A big +1.

 

I sometimes wonder now whether I was really his first anyway. He is a salesman and on the road a lot. I remember him telling me once (this was a few years prior to us being in an affair) that his wife thought he was having an affair after their first son was born and he stopped staying overnight on sales trips and making the long trip home so she felt more comfortable. He said that he had such horrible dating experiences that when his wife came along he said "I'll take it" and didn't want to mess that up.

 

I sometimes wonder if he told me that to somehow let me know he had never had an affair. Now I wonder if he really HAD already been unfaithful to her and I wasn't his first. I may never know unless he has some sort of d-day with another woman. He certainly has opportunity being on the road and she would never know.

 

It would make me sad to think that I wasn't the first or even the last (I know, weirdly sick) but in a way I would almost be relieved because it would probably cement in my mind that he was a player and I would probably not think of him very fondly ever again.

 

Plus he is a very good salesman and her total focus has been on me these past few years so she is only concerned about him having contact with me - I'm not sure she wants to think her husband could possibly be a serial cheater and may just be an a$$ and cake eater.

Edited by lilmisscantbewrong
Summer Breeze Established Member

Summer Breeze

Posted
Posted
The scenario you describe is more common than you think. :/

 

Most seasoned cheaters do have more than one woman on the string. They may not be sleeping with the other woman, but bet your bottom dollar they have their feelers out there.

 

It is called a contingent plan: When the wife finds out about you and the proverbial craps hits the fan - you get dumped. The dust settles and WH makes nice at home for awhile. When things calm down, WH picks up with one of the other women he has been flirting with. He probably wont go back to you because you are on the wife's radar now and she will be watching you (and him) like a hawk.

 

And since this thread is for OW and OM to discuss their reaction, exactly how does this pertain to the OP?

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