CompleteFailure Posted April 9, 2013 Posted April 9, 2013 I'm so depressed. I think about my own problems and can't seem to understand why you won't help me. Why she is unwilling to stand by me. This strong woman that I thought I once knew suddenly turned into the girl she used to mock. I see how she seeks approval for her own self worth, and getting attention drives her desire for more. I can't believe she has moved on so quickly. Our life together has been through tough times but I honestly thought that she indeed loved me. Its crazy how she in just one week turned off everything like I no longer existed. Its crazy to think that all this time she was just using me. All of those smiles, all of those hugs, all of those sweet words and all of those moments. Who is that woman who told me all the things I wanted to hear? Who is that woman who made me fall in love with her only to now rip me apart? Where has she gone to? How has she forgotten herself and become so addicted to this party life? The information she gives me about him makes him sound like a twilight zone version of myself when I first met her. Its eery to think that she fell for a younger version of me that has more money and doesn't know her well enough so they can get to know each other and call it a connection. What about the deep connections we've had together consistently, periodically on our journey, now so easily ignored? Is it really just the chemicals? Is it really mid life crisis? A woman sowing her wild oats getting a taste of as much variety before settling down? Does she get satisfaction knowing what she has done? I envision her with this new guy acting the same way. Happily playing this fake girlfriend to another man. She has no idea the destruction she has put into my life suddenly. The abandonment of losing the only person outside of family that I love with all my heart, soul and being. This woman whom I've treated like my other half and given everything I could possibly give. It only brings back deep rooted issues of being left suddenly by my mother. Its like a double dose of how cruel the world can be. Just when you think you have everything and your life is meaningful and filled with happiness. Just when you start trying to slowly crawl out of the hole you're in to make progress, life gives you a blow so big, so hard to remind you that you aren't anything but scum under someone elses shoes. Than it spits on you, it laughs to your face to make sure you feel low and defeated. It does this so you no longer have any urge to get back up. My eyes weep uncontrollably. No one is here to see me, no one is there to comfort me. I used to look forward everyday to seeing her after work. It would give me peace knowing that such a loving woman was coming home to me and we would share our nights together. A couple, commited to each other through bonds of hardships and happiness. An unwavering union with love and loyalty that all others strive for. I believed in us. Through thick and thin. That was our little secret. Now I only feel anxious and fearful. My stomach going about in turns asking me to vomit. I put on a face so that she doesn't have to deal with grief. This face feels like an empty shell of a man that once existed. No hope left inside for anything. My dreams have died. Now Im hurting, alone. Left with memories of us and imaginations of her new relationship. It kills me inside daily. This mental and emotional torture is unbearable. I'm no longer me, I'm no longer anything. I don't know what is and what isn't. I thought love was strong and it conquers all. I thought lovers cared for one another and took care of each other. I thought she had the same convictions, the same morals. What a cruel joke. To be discarded so easily in the time of ones greatest need. How cruel to just ignorantly go on ignoring the past, trying to bury any happiness with hate because something new and shiny comes along. As tears flow to my eyes, I think to myself, "why don't I just kill myself? I could easily step infront of that train, that car, off that bridge. Would she care? Would it hurt her? Would she realize how much she meant to me? Would it matter to her? Will she ever truly know how difficult this mental life is especially without her and how sudden and far the drop I've fallen?" Or would she go on burying our past to live this fake fantasty of happiness, laughing at the ghost of me, thanking the heavens that I am no longer a part of her life.
Mcnulty Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I hear you man, I hear you. Your life is not hopeless, you're not totally alone, I'm replying and reading for a start. Help is what you need, it's there, your GP, talk to him and tell him how you feel, maybe counselling, maybe something else. I feel a lot of what you are feeling right now, you're not alone. So unsettled and dismayed at the world we live in, it's like life is just a cruel trick....BUT, you're gonna get through this, with help, I guarantee, as am I. PM me if you need support mate. Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
Compromize Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 Most of us on here have had our hearts ripped out of our chest and beaten with it. We are all going through this pain brother. Every day. I lost the love of my life. Shes gone. I wake up everyday to that reality. But what separates the strong from the weak is we keep going. Keep living. There is no getting rid of the pain. It starts to slowly subside but comes back, like an eb and flow until I think you just get numb. Than maybe you start to slowly get feeling back, maybe can love again. But I know I am not there yet, and if I can wake up and face everyday with the reality that the only woman I have ever loved has left me, you can too. Just be strong. In the end we only have ourselves anyway.
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