AlexDP Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 ok, I think some posters didn't read where the OP says they both agree they need to wait until marriage. Well, they shouldn't. If a girl says she wants to wait till marriage, you dump her. Yes, sex is that important. If you wait until marriage, then have sex and it is horrible, you're stuck with it for the rest of your life. It is an awful idea to wait. 1
Mint Sauce Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 It is entirely possible that she's come to the conclusion that he's not interested in putting on the brakes, doesn't really want to wait until marriage, and just wants to see what he can get away with... She's losing respect and trust for him. Agreed, that is possible, but nothing in the OP indicates he has tried to step outside the boundaries of their initial agreement. If the initial agreement was in her opinion to heavily defined by his desires, she should say so out loud, and offer an alternative means to judge sexual compatibility. Perhaps they can agree to only fantasize together about what they'll do once married, and if those sexy talks happen often enough, the prospect of marriage with her may still appeal to him, without anything actually happening before. My gut tells me she won't be up for that. She sounds uncomfortable with sex in general, regardless of her relationship with him.
RedRobin Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Well, they shouldn't. If a girl says she wants to wait till marriage, you dump her. Yes, sex is that important. If you wait until marriage, then have sex and it is horrible, you're stuck with it for the rest of your life. It is an awful idea to wait. Despite the fact that most marriages don't fail because the sex was bad. They fail for lots of other reasons... not that one though. Hmm... 1
USMCHokie Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Why not just go to the courthouse and get married now...?
RedRobin Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Agreed, that is possible, but nothing in the OP indicates he has tried to step outside the boundaries of their initial agreement. If the initial agreement was in her opinion to heavily defined by his desires, she should say so out loud, and offer an alternative means to judge sexual compatibility. Perhaps they can agree to only fantasize together about what they'll do once married, and if those sexy talks happen often enough, the prospect of marriage with her may still appeal to him, without anything actually happening before. My gut tells me she won't be up for that. She sounds uncomfortable with sex in general, regardless of her relationship with him. We don't know any of the above. All we know is that he pressed for more physical intimacy and she went along with it. To me it seems he just keeps pressing for more. He needs to demonstrate that he means what he says and show that he can do more than just keep pressing and putting all of the weight of that burden on her. It's not fair. Especially if she has a high sex drive and is attracted to him. It's putting her in a no-win situation. Lots of men are quick to claim that women who want to wait for any period of time are uncomfortable with sex... as if the only way to show comfort with sex is having it ASAP on demand with any guy who claims to care about her. There are just as many men who are uncomfortable with true intimacy and are unwilling to take steps to create or sustain it. They push for sex because that is what our culture trains men to do as the only way a real 'man' can achieve intimacy. When in reality, they are just immature in their ability to communicate and negotiate. Which is ok... these things take time. There is a middle ground here somewhere. They need help by experienced people who care about them in order to find it.
RedRobin Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Why not just go to the courthouse and get married now...? Yes, I'm curious what is keeping them from making plans to marry.
Mint Sauce Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 All we know is that he pressed for more physical intimacy and she went along with it. I don't see that anywhere in the OP... Apparently she said early on (without pressure?) that some fooling around was ok. Then a dry spell happened. Only then did he start to raise questions, express his frustration. The dry spell does not seem to be related to pressure from his side, imo. In any case: I fully agree that if they want to make it work, they should consult an impartial, experienced 3rd party.
ChatroomHero Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I am just curious what the people supporting the gf would say if the OP told her that she must first prove her worth to him through 9 months of intense sex before he agreed to marriage. I would think if it is ok to ask him to jump through hoops to prove himself it would be ok to ask her to do the same. From the sounds of it OP is in it for a relationship but I am not so sure she is attracted to him. Does she have any burden to prove herself? 1
CryForNoOne Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Despite the fact that most marriages don't fail because the sex was bad. They fail for lots of other reasons... not that one though. Hmm... But I've seen / heard a lot of anecdotal evidence that good sex can cure a lot of relationship ailments. Lets face it- no relationship is perfect but good sex allows you to overlook some of the flaws... 1
RedRobin Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Well, they shouldn't. If a girl says she wants to wait till marriage, you dump her. Yes, sex is that important. If you wait until marriage, then have sex and it is horrible, you're stuck with it for the rest of your life. It is an awful idea to wait. Like I said... There are very few marriages that fail because of sexual incompatibility. Most fail due to communication problems and dishonesty... that frankly, if people spent more time developing and dealing with, would have BETTER sex whether they decide to wait or not. Anyway, I'm not here telling people to wait or not wait. I'm suggesting the OP be consistent in his words and actions and find better ways to communicate. That will only help him in the future. 1
RedRobin Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 But I've seen / heard a lot of anecdotal evidence that good sex can cure a lot of relationship ailments. Lets face it- no relationship is perfect but good sex allows you to overlook some of the flaws... From married people? How long were they married? I'll tell you my experience... I HAVE been married. We had fabulous sex... almost up to the day we signed divorce papers. Didn't fix anything. I come from a family of VERY long-lived marriages... and no, they aren't suffering in silence either. Marriages lasting 50+ years... Most of them married young... without feeling the need to f*ck tons of people in advance, and when issues arose, they worked together to fix them. My parents being one of them. They were both each other's first. They are nearing 70 years old and still enjoy a very happy and fulfilling sex life.
RedRobin Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I am just curious what the people supporting the gf would say if the OP told her that she must first prove her worth to him through 9 months of intense sex before he agreed to marriage. I would think if it is ok to ask him to jump through hoops to prove himself it would be ok to ask her to do the same. From the sounds of it OP is in it for a relationship but I am not so sure she is attracted to him. Does she have any burden to prove herself? No. She stated her boundaries from the beginning... that she wishes to wait until marriage. He agreed to enter a relationship with her based on that. He certainly is welcome to try and change the 'rules' and re-write the contract as it were... ie their agreement to wait until marriage... but not by coercion or manipulation... which it sounds like he is trying to do.
reaver Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 (edited) OP, you are a saint. Ive been told Im prude and conservative today on this site because I think its crazy to sleep with a guy you met online, who is pretty much a stranger, within the first 3 dates. I cant be that conservative because 9 months going as far as the OP has gone with the girl? Thats crazy! If she doesnt want to get physical by now, she wont. 9 months is plleeeeeeeeenty of time. Please correct me if Im wrong bc I know you said you'll save sex until marriage, but youre talking about stuff other than kissing thats not sex, right? Edited April 10, 2013 by reaver 1
hudson701 Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Agree with above - time to bail. Only one life, live it, find someone who is on the same page as you and have fun. You're young and will only regret it later on in life. 9 months is a very long time, you should be very comfortable and well beyond kissing at this point.
CryForNoOne Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 From married people? How long were they married? I'll tell you my experience... I HAVE been married. We had fabulous sex... almost up to the day we signed divorce papers. Didn't fix anything. I come from a family of VERY long-lived marriages... and no, they aren't suffering in silence either. Marriages lasting 50+ years... Most of them married young... without feeling the need to f*ck tons of people in advance, and when issues arose, they worked together to fix them. My parents being one of them. They were both each other's first. They are nearing 70 years old and still enjoy a very happy and fulfilling sex life. I was married too. Also had fabulous sex and it prolonged a relationship that should have ended earlier. And no it doesn't fix anything but it can certainly mask things - which is what I said. Then when the sex ended - the marriage was IMMEDIATELY over. So that's my personal experience... My parents have been together 46 years and are the happiest couple I know. But we live in a different time now and it's not as easy as it used to be to create that kind of relationship - hence you, me and many others are still searching...
zanzi Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 I don't see why being a virgin is something everyone freaks out so much about. I don't understand you say you want to wait till marriage but you wan't to have sex with this girl? She sounds like she has hang ups about her body and lack confidence. If I were you i'd drop her. anyone who says sex isn't integral to a relationship is lying.
Noproblem Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 So your way thinking is You prefer to stay with a horrible human being if the sex is good , but you won't tolerate staying with an amazing person that you actually love if the sex wasn't there And you call girls who like handsome guys, shallow? 1
PogoStick Posted April 10, 2013 Posted April 10, 2013 Homie don't play that (bonus points for knowing the reference!). I feel sorry for both of you.
Author Opto Posted April 11, 2013 Author Posted April 11, 2013 (edited) The OP claims he wants to wait until marriage with his WORDS... but then shows with his actions that he prefers otherwise. If he does want to wait until marriage, then he needs to find people to talk to who will support his and their decision... not come to places where people will give him excuses to bully and demean her. Blaming her and demonizing her for HIS lack of initiative or indecision on one or the other is all too typical here. I don't want excuses to bully or demean her nor do I won't to push her into anything. I am simply looking to see if anyone else had this situation and how they handled it. She has told me that she is fine with the stuff we have done in the past (everything but sex) but then recently came out and told me she was uncomfortable with any sexual activity involving gender specific organs below the waist. (We have our fair share of make out sessions). I was unaware that she was upset about this because she kept reassuring mean that it was ok. When I found out that she didn't actually want to do them I told her we would stop. That is where we are currently at and I just need to know what to do from this point. I don't plan on asking her to pick up anytime soon and I have told her don't feel pressured until she is ready. P.S. She is attracted to me. I forgot to mention that I am her first serious boyfriend. She hasn't had any physical intimacy with any other man. I did take it slow and at a pace she was comfortable with. I always asked her if it was ok before I initiated anything. Edited April 11, 2013 by Opto
Emilia Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 but then recently came out and told me she was uncomfortable with any sexual activity involving gender specific organs below the waist. (We have our fair share of make out sessions). I was unaware that she was upset about this because she kept reassuring mean that it was ok. When I found out that she didn't actually want to do them I told her we would stop. That is where we are currently at and I just need to know what to do from this point. I don't plan on asking her to pick up anytime soon and I have told her don't feel pressured until she is ready. P.S. She is attracted to me. I forgot to mention that I am her first serious boyfriend. She hasn't had any physical intimacy with any other man. I did take it slow and at a pace she was comfortable with. I always asked her if it was ok before I initiated anything. She is not only repressed but she is also unable to communicate clearly. Sure a good recipe for long lasting happy sex life... Not OP, the problem with this religious nonsense is that it puts sex on a pedestal and creates some weird notion that it is dirty and should be only performed for reproduction purposes. If you marry this girl, or any other girl who is uncomfortable with something so natural, you will have a very frustrated life. Sex is natural. It's not dirty. It's normal. It should not be on a pedestal. It is how you express love to another human being in a relationship. It is part of being a human being. We are not saints or angels or any other fictional creature that your Bible bashers thought up to control your mind.
ChatroomHero Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 So your way thinking is You prefer to stay with a horrible human being if the sex is good , but you won't tolerate staying with an amazing person that you actually love if the sex wasn't there And you call girls who like handsome guys, shallow? The difference between friends and lovers is intimacy and sex. I would hate to be married for the sake of having a friend/roommate and then having to find the basic human need of sex elsewhere because the need just doesn't go away. And let's face it, you probably know a lot of "amazing" people you are not attracted too, and like attraction sex is important. It doesn't make you any more shallow than if you did not want to marry that amazing 350lb guy or girl. I'm sure Oprah is amazing but I would never marry her. It's not shallow to have needs in a potential mate for life. 1
ChatroomHero Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 I'd marry Oprah and knock her up with the quickness. You do know she would make you sign a pre-nup? 1
Emilia Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 You do know she would make you sign a pre-nup? You mean just in case he is serious?
ChatroomHero Posted April 11, 2013 Posted April 11, 2013 You mean just in case he is serious? Yeah. With her lawyers if he didn't stick he would probably have to pay her child support. 1
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